Tag Archives: words

Valentine’s Day – Making It Ours

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[Adapted from the Archives]

Valentine’s Day, as a holiday, is ripe with all sorts of possibilities… and potential frustrations. It’s a day that picks at our contentment and whispers in our ears, “Is this enough? this love I have? these loves I have?” I say we take this holiday, turn it on its head, and totally own it.

What do you love about Valentine’s Day? Most probably, you are women reading this blog, because men seriously don’t want any more information on how to celebrate this day. We women have this totally lovely day thrust upon us once a year to do with it how we want. ..so let’s get after it.

Here’s what I love about this day:

1) I can be as effusive and gushy as I want on this one day of the year. It’s allowed…tolerated…appreciated even. Cards, phone calls, and social media shouting out to those we love…there’s a lot of relational muscle pumped on this day…wouldn’t hurt to keep this going through the rest of the year. Words. Are. Powerful.Blog - Heart & Love Much

2) It’s a golden opportunity to hang with our best buddies. Not just husbands or boyfriends, but moms, grandmoms, the widow neighbor down the street. Those glorious women in our lives… Valentine’s Day is a fine excuse to have lunch together, cake together, movie night together. Whatever. How thankful I am for the great women in my life…from lots of places in the world.Blog - Morocco friends2014 Phone pics July-December 119

3) This day lends itself to a total indulgence (guilt deferred) of sugary delights. Valentine’s Day blesses all excesses. I don’t eat chocolate these days, but Hershey’s Kisses still speak. Whether I eat those foil-wrapped happy little candies or not, they still generate lovely thoughts for me on this day…as do the other treats that come out especially on this day of the year.Blog - Valentine Goodies

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4) I love how cheery people are toward each other related to Valentine’s Day (kind of back to the gushy/effusive side of this day). Whether it’s decorating a colleague’s cubicle wall or lavishing gifts on your child’s teacher…it can make for a sweet day. Whether there’s a dear man in our lives or not, we can use this day to bless others…just for the fun of it (for them AND for us).Blog - Valentines on a cubicle by Heather TeaterPhoto Credit: Cublical Decorating – Heather Teater2013 Feb Valentine's Day 001

 5) Last thing I love about Valentine’s Day is its celebration of love itself. The history of Valentine’s Day is far from the romance and roses we expect today. Yet, if there is something worthy of setting aside a day, it is love – real, deep, sacrificial and satisfying love. Maybe it’s a stretch to consider that sort of love on a day that’s been riddled with commercialism, but that’s where I would like to end. Today, more than anything I celebrate the God of love who teaches us best how to love. First loving Him and then, because of Him, loving each other as we love ourselves. Blog - Valentine #2

Jesus said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment.  And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” – Matthew 22:37-39

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up;  does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil;   does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;   bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. – 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Happy Valentine’s Day, Friends.Blog - Friends - Valentines #1

The Single Way to do Valentine’s Day – Mandisa

A Tribute to Charlotte Ray – Cal Thomas

Saturday Short – Love Notes – From Mom

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[From the Archives]

Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing. – 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called “Today,” so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. – Hebrews 3:13

Our family has never lived close to the grandparents. This was never easy…for any of us. Before I married, I did live close to home, and my mom was my best friend. She died several years ago, and I often say to people who knew her that “when I grow up, I want to be just like her.” Still working on that.

Mom and I shared a weakness for words…they are probably excessively important to us, delivering both positive and (sometimes) negative weight. She was an amazing encourager. She rarely missed an opportunity to lift another’s spirit or to speak loving truth to someone desperate for God’s touch.

When I moved away to take a teaching job, she and my dad helped me move. New Haven, Connecticut was a 2-day drive from Georgia. It’s the farthest I had ever wandered from home. She stayed a week to help me settle in.  While there, she was such great company. We explored the city together and laughed over a new culture and cried at the missing that was ahead for us.

She filled my freezer with her baking, and, while I was at work, she wrote notes. Then she hid them everywhere. After she flew home, I began finding them. In my coffee mug. Under my pillow. In the pocket of my coat. Among my reference books. Behind my music on the piano. She was with me in the love notes she left, and it made the distance between us…less.IMAG2720 (2)

My mom and I also had a weakness for bits of paper. I kept every one of her notes. These from that move over 30 years ago are fading…red ink on pink paper. There are a lifetime of notes between my mom and me. The tradition she started on that first move has become a life-long tradition for our family. Our visits back and forth, across the US and then the globe, have been papered by these little notes.

Our children, from the time they could write, entered into this tradition much to the joy of their grandparents. Before we would leave again, these three young ones would write of their affection for their grandparents and hide them all over their houses. I delighted in their cooperation in this conspiracy of love.

Mom always wrote notes…not just to us but to so many. She and her Sunday School Class ladies would send cards every week to the sick ones or the sad ones. She had a special burden for the elderly, for widows (including functional widows, deserted by husbands) and for fatherless children (again including those “orphaned” by still-living fathers). She inspired me by her humble ambition .

Pure and undefiled religion before our God and Father is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself unstained by the world. – James 1:27

I am so thankful for my mom’s bits of paper…for her love…and for her perseverance in encouraging and serving others. Her generation is aging, and it is for us to pick up these traditions and pass them on somehow to the next generations…Maybe there won’t be bits of paper or love notes like in the past. I do hope we still take the time to write. Definitely, the call to serve and to encourage is as current as today. My life continues to be rich with those, young and old, who reach out to those around them with words of affirmation and kindness. Written or not, they are love notes to my heart.

Thanks, Mom. Thank God for you.

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The 59 “One Anothers” of the New Testament

5 Friday Faves – Kids in Costume, Infographic for Learners, Words, Eric Metaxas, and Walking to School

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It’s Friday! Another week finished… I’m looking forward to catching up with some family this weekend. How about you? Choosing favorite finds for the week was difficult – lots to choose from, but some were most note-worthy negatively rather than friendly favorites – political commentary, etc. I decided to stay more upbeat with the faves posted. So here they are.

1) Kids in Costume – Don’t you love kids in costume? When our children were preschoolers, we had a toy-chest full of dress-up clothes thanks to grandmothers who made or found fun outfits for them. Some of those costumes ended up overseas with us. [See below.}img_9943With Halloween around the corner, I’m sure we’ll see kids of all ages in their favorite character wear. It’s nice when there are more opportunities to dress-up besides just this one day of the year (like superhero day at school). We didn’t celebrate Halloween when our kids were growing up, but I do love the costumes….well, and the candy (but that’s another topic). There’s sometime transformative when kids put these kinds of duds on… Let the bravado begin!blog-kids-in-costume-bourdoff-familyPhoto Credit: Aaron and Jamie Burdorf

2) Infographic of Usual Tips for All Types of Learners – Two of my favorite things to discover are 1) infographics and 2) helps for various types of learners. Here it’s two-in-one. Design Taxi created a study guide to aid four types of learners – the visual learner, the auditory learner, the read and write learner, and the kinesthetic learner. I’m a blend of visual and read/write learner. Check out the infographic, especially you students out there – could help you change gears through your heavy reading assignments and exams. As an example, a visual learner comprehends more information off a printed page rather than a screen. Highlighting words in my notes also helps me focus on key concepts. Lots of great study hacks.blog-lachlan-brown-infographic-of-useful-tips-twitter

Photo Credit: Lachlan Brown, Twitter

3) Words – Gary Chapman has written several books around the theme of love languages. Here’s one. Chapman defines love languages as the ways we most clearly experience love from a spouse, a friend, a coworker. He lists five love languages – touch, words of affirmation, gifts, time, and acts of service. Words are definitely one of my love languages. I really appreciate when people affirm something they see in me that they love.

My mama was always encouraged by the gift of words.  In 2002, the cancer she had already had for two years was getting worse. She died in November 2002. Some time afterward, I was one of the family responsible for packing up her personal belongings. In the drawers of her computer desk, she had hundreds of cards.img_9942

I just couldn’t throw them away. That day, too near to her dying, I just put them all in a box.  Just this week I pulled them out and went through them. It was a huge and healing experience. All the words – cards chosen by friends and family in the year of her fiercest battle. All the words that they also wrote to her to express their love and to remind her how strong she was…and how big her God was. As I read through card after card, I could feel the deep love between these card writers and my mom. Some of these friends have also died since Mom died. So grateful for the legacy of these words and the love they expressed so beautifully. Thankful for them…and for you who took the time to share them with her.

That era when people sent cards…I miss it. What a blessing to have folks in my life who still write and send cards. Those words fill my heart and lighten the load.

4) Eric Metaxas – Do you know him? His writing and speaking have been excellent company for me this year.  Eric Metaxas is a historian, writer, lecturer, and social commentator. His books include Bonhoeffer, 7 Men, 7 Women, and most recently If You Can Keep It: The Forgotten Promise of American Liberty. Metaxas has been a strong conservative voice in this election year. I have learned from him.President Barack Obama stands with keynote speaker Eric Metaxas as Vice President Joe Biden takes their photo during the National Prayer Breakfast at the Washington Hilton Hotel in Washington, D.C., Feb. 2, 2012. (Official White House Photo by Pete Souza) This official White House photograph is being made available only for publication by news organizations and/or for personal use printing by the subject(s) of the photograph. The photograph may not be manipulated in any way and may not be used in commercial or political materials, advertisements, emails, products, promotions that in any way suggests approval or endorsement of the President, the First Family, or the White House.blog-eric-metaxas-eventbritePhoto Credit: Wikimedia Commons, Eventbrite

What has been especially gratifying for me this year is Metaxas’ take on what is happening in our country. I am ignorant about so many things and he has aided my understanding of some of the cultural changes we are experiencing.

[A sidebar on Metaxas is that he was once a wary and restless intellectual. Then at the age of 25, he had a dream that drew him to a personal faith in God. He describes more about his faith in the I Am Second video. Still a studied intellectual, he is focused, fearless, and empassioned…a Christ-follower and patriot.]

5) Walking to School – This week, on Facebook, I saw a video short entitled School The World: Journey. It compared two children’s very different experiences of getting to school each day. One was a young Guatemalan boy whose trek to school took him 2 1/2 hours.

I then discovered another film by French director Pascal Plisson. This documentary, On the Way to School, follows four children (in Kenya, India, Morocco, and Argentina) on their difficult paths to schools far from their homes. We take easily accessible education so for granted in the West.  Tymm Hoffman, a regular guy, who works for Compassion International decided to do something about this…at least for one community, for now. He and his wife, Laura, spearheaded a great effort called Brighton Their World. One of the goals of this was to fund a school in Ethiopia. Brighton Academy is a reality today, thanks to them and those who help support this great work. By the way, Brighton is the name of one of their children – all of whom were born in Ethiopia, but he died before coming home to them in the States.

On the Way to School – Film Review

Bonus: 16 Personalities – The Myers-Briggs [Personality] Type Indicator(MBTI) is a fascinating look at our differences. It’s not really about putting us in some behavior box; it’s about seeing what our preferences are how we are energized, how we take in information, and how we make decisions. I’ve enjoyed knowing coworkers’ personalities (based on the MBTI)…it’s helped me better understand them and how to communicate to them in ways they prefer. Cuts through a lot… Anyway, here’s a free test with good commentary.  In case you’re interested, I’m an ENFP – a “campaigner”. What is your personality type?

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Photo Credit: Snapcraft

Have a sweet weekend…be safe. Share your favorites with us in the Comments. Thanks!

5 Friday Faves – Words, Trauma Healing, Street Smart Kids, Thunderstorms, #GrowingUpInABlackChurch

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Happy Friday! Another whirlwind week. Ours is to savor the moments and those sweet finds of each day of  life. Below are a few of my favorites from this week. Would love to hear about yours [in Comments].

1) Words – You know when you mean to send that card or make that phone call? Or when you could speak to that downcast stranger or give a shout-out to someone worthy of celebrating…and you didn’t? This is a salute to all you folks out there who use your words for life – to encourage, celebrate, comfort, guide, and lovingly speak the truth. We are bombarded with words. Literally, blasted with words. Some sound so true, we are swayed by them…to find out later, they were not true…and the course of our lives, maybe even our country, was set in a direction we wouldn’t have chosen, if we understood what the words really meant.BLog - WordsPhoto Credit: Pinterest

I’ve been blessed by good friends and colleagues who use words in a life-giving manner. They inspire me to do the same.2016 Phone Pics 2449

2) Trauma Healing – The Trauma Healing Institute is a training and service arm of The American Bible Society. The goal here is to respond at a heart-level to the trauma in people’s lives. When you think of the numbers of people who have endured extreme trauma (1 out of 7 persons globally), it is a good thing to reach out to them with shelter and  supplies but also with listening ears and honoring comfort. This intervention is Bible-based so may not be the go-to training for everyone, but I’m hoping to take it in the Fall. Check here for stories and more info.
Blog - Trauma Healing - THIPhoto Credit: Trauma Healing Institute

3) Street Smart Kids – Earlier this week, I wrote about situational awareness. One of the resources I posted was the blog by Chonce Maddox on 50 Things You Can Do to Make Your Kids Street Smart I wrote this week about situational awareness here. Maddox talks about her reasoning for writing: “As a parent, my worst fear is that I won’t be able to protect my child when he needs it. My second worst fear is that he won’t be able to protect himself and make wise decisions depending on what situation he’s in.” Her list of 50 things are age-specific and are brilliant and easy-to-apply. Whether you have a newborn or a soon-to-be-launched teen, take the time to equip your children in this way.
Schoolchildren embracing happy. Multi cultural racial classroom.

Photo Credit: A Fine Parent

4) Thunderstorms and Heat Lightning  – I love rain and especially thunderstorms. It’s been really hot here in Richmond, Va., the last couple of weeks. Occasionally the lightning has only been heat-related. We had both heat lightning yesterday as well as an amazing thunderstorm last night. My pic below is of the late afternoon sky. The rains that came later were drenching and cooling. No electricity outages – just a glorious and wet light and sound show.Blog - ThunderstormBlog - Heat LightningPhoto Credit: Wunderground

5) #GrowingUpInABlackChurch – Growing up outside Atlanta , in the suburbs, was a pretty homogeneous experience for me, culture-wise. When I finished grad school, my first job was in an innercity hospital in downtown Atlanta. This was my first time experiencing the richness and otherness of predominately African American worship or “church”. In those days, working on an oncology unit, I went to a lot of funerals. Both in those times and regular Sunday services, I discovered a very different way of doing church and community. Sunday morning church is still too often a too-segregated experience, but I’m glad for the opportunities to be in a more racially and culturally diverse worship. What got me thinking about this was the trending hashtag this month which was fun to watch…although, not having the experience of #GrowingUpInABlackChurch, I celebrate it. ALso trending this week: #blackwomendidthat.

Blog - GrowingUpInABlackChurch - hbcuBlog - GrowingUpInABlackChurch - imgurPhoto Credit: HBCU, HBCU

Have a safe and sweet weekend out there. Use the Comments below to post your own favorites from this week. Thanks!

5 Friday Faves – Phone Calls, Egyptians, Parenting, Contemporary Christian Music, and David B. Hart on Politics

Blog - Friday FavesHappy Friday! I woke up this morning to the sound of a summer thunderstorm – a real downpour. Now it’s done and hopefully won’t have discouraged the neighbors I’ll be walking with in just a bit. Hope this finds you off to a peaceful and gratifying end to your work week, or just the beginning of another adventure of the day. My 5 Friday Faves coming at you:

1) Phone Calls – In this season of texting as primary communication, I love a phone call. Even though I start with a text as well most of the time, not wanting to disturb the recipient…still a phone call is so direct and satisfying. I’m not the communicator that I once was. My friends and family, who are callers, are very merciful and their calls mean the world. So grateful to you who call. With our kids, they know if I don’t hear back from a series of texts, I will call. It is incentive of a sort to answer those texts. My preference is to hear their voices and to see their faces (Facetime is the best feature of the iPhone). For you who dread phone calls, consider that some of us really love receiving them. Just consider…Blog - Friday Faves - Phone calls

2) Egyptians – We’ve had great neighbors through the years, and especially in our current neighborhood. In our years of living outside of the US, in Egypt, Tunisia, and Morocco, we have known the best of the best of those cultures. Just yesterday, I ran into an Egyptian student I’ve come to know here because she works in a favorite store. Her welcome is always so warm and gracious, asking about my surgery (remembering that?!). So today, I want to give a shout-out to our Egyptian friends. Known for their hospitality and humor, Egyptians remind me of those most beloved in my life from the South. When we lived in Cairo, our Egyptian friends went out of their way to make us feel welcome in their lives. So generous, and funny, and unpretentious. Dave and I talk about going back some day to live there again. It is probably not going to happen, but it makes me smile just to think of it. So here’s to the people of Egypt – “Om el Donia” – “Mother of the World”.036_36 (2)Blog - Sherine, Debbie, HebaBlog - Egyptians - Debbie & FonFon (2)Blog - Egyptians - Dina and Debbie - June 2016

3) Parenting – Matt Diaz is a former professional baseball player and currently a sports commentator. He is also a dad and coaches TBall (tiny baseball players). He wrote a great blog on parenting little guys and how our parenting changes as our kids get older. Speaking with humility from his own parenting and being parented, he spotlighted two issues worth examining.

Blog - Friday Faves - Parenting - Matt E. DiazBlog - Friday Faves - Parenting - Matt E. Diaz baseballPhoto Credit: Matt E. Diaz, Wikipedia

“We are pushing our young kids too hard.  We are expecting adult like performance from them.  We are frustrating them by asking them to handle things they were not designed to handle.
We are coddling our young adults too much.  Society is accepting way too much childlike behavior from them.  We are allowing them to behave in a manner that they were never designed to behave.”
I loved his illustration of how eagles feather their nests to protect the eggs and tiny eaglets and then remove the feathers to make the nest uncomfortable for the fledgling flyer.

4) Music Critics (Critique)
– Contemporary Christian music is genre that has been inspirational and comforting to me over my adult life. It has come a long, long way from the early years of odd, repeated lines and rounds of songs of the 60’s and 70’s. Still, with some glorious exceptions, the Christian music today is still not like the hymns of yesterday. There is contemporary worship music and Christian pop – very different from each other. In researching for my Worship Wednesday blog, I came across the Faithful Stewardship Blog.

The writer identifies himself as Jorge, from my home state of Georgia. He further describes himself as writing for the sake of his wife and children. On Tuesdays, he posts his critiques of contemporary Christmas music. He pulls from Top 20 lists of this genre and gives approval/disapproval ratings for songs based on how they line up with Scriptural truth. I don’t think he means any ill will at all in his disapprovals; he is focusing on Biblical truth in the lyrics of these songs. Some of my favorites are on his disapproving list, but many are also on his approval list, including For King & Country’s Shoulders.

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Photo Credit: Twitter

I was surprised at some of his takes on songs but actually couldn’t disagree with his analysis.

An article along the same lines is T. David Gordon’s The Imminent Decline of Contemporary Worship Music: Eight Reasons. Blog - Friday Faves - Contemporary Worship Music - secondnaturejournalPhoto Credit: Second Nature Journal

He writes about how the church is embracing contemporary worship music to the exclusion of traditional hymns. His eight reasons that he sees this as a temporary situation are provocative and thought-provoking. This is not just a treatise on preferences. Gordon weighs in heavily on the grandeur of the lyrics and hymn tunes of worship music that has stood the test of time. He is not sure at all that much of what we cherish today will stand that same test. Some will, I believe, but how could we ever let go of such great hymns as Henry Francis Lyte’s Abide With Me, written in 1847? Or Martin Luther’s A Mighty Fortress Is Our God written in 1529? Powerful.

Postscript: Whether all the songs I love in both Christian worship and Christian pop endure for centuries, it matters that they bring joy today. So, just wanted to throw that in, on the tails of this good read.

5) David B. Hart on Politics – a young Eastern Orthodox friend of mine posted a quote from Hart on his Facebook page recently. Hart is also Eastern Orthodox, and a philosopher, writer, theologian, cultural commentator. He is new to me and much too deep for me to understand on some points. His take on American politics in this election year is worth noting. So eloquent. I love when people use words like this…with such clarity, transparency, and skill. Granted (for those who will disagree with his take on this subject) it is just his opinion…but well-spoken.Blog - Friday faves - David Bentley Hart on PoliticsPhoto Credit: Patheos

“Our choices are excruciatingly circumscribed, since the whole process is dominated by two large and self-interested political conglomerates that are far better at gaining power than at exercising it wisely…Yes, I know: there are good and sincere souls who run for office, and some occasionally get in, and a few of those are then able to accomplish something with the position they assume, and some of those even remain faithful to the convictions that got them there. But, lest we forget, those are also the politicians who often create the greatest mischief…If one were to devise a political system from scratch, knowing something of history and a great deal about human nature, the sort of person that one would chiefly want, if possible, to exclude from power would be the sort of person who most desires it, and who is most willing to make a great effort to acquire it. 

Yet our system obliges us to elevate to office precisely those persons who have the ego-besotted effrontery to ask us to do so; it is rather like being compelled to cede the steering wheel to the drunkard in the back seat loudly proclaiming that he knows how to get us there in half the time. More to the point, since our perpetual electoral cycle is now largely a matter of product recognition, advertising, and marketing strategies, we must be content often to vote for persons willing to lie to us with some regularity or, if not that, at least to speak to us evasively and insincerely. In a better, purer world—the world that cannot be—ambition would be an absolute disqualification for political authority.”David B. Hart, First Things

That’s it for me, this week. Hope you have a lovely weekend ahead – longer than usual with our Independence Day celebration on Monday. Please share any of your week’s favorites in Comments below. Thanks for reading my meanderings.

Angry Men – Dealing with Fits of Anger and the Painful Fallout

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Be angry, yet do not sin. Do not let the sun set upon your anger, and do not give the devil a foothold.Ephesians 4:26-27

I’d like to start a conversation about angry men. Not that women don’t get angry; sure we do. For today, though I’d like to think out loud about the frightening, threatening nature of anger in men. As an emotion, anger isn’t necessarily bad. It is a normal response to plenty of situations. We all have good reasons to be angry at times. When we turn up our anger either on ourselves or others then it becomes destructive and sometimes dangerous.

[Disclaimer: I am not an authority on this topic,  but have found the articles by the men who have written and counseled on this topic very helpful – they are linked below.]

Living with someone who strikes out at me in anger is not a daily experience, and for that I’m very thankful. However, there are strong memories of unchecked anger in my past that still sting when they come to mind.

  • I was maybe 5 years old when, one night in our home, all four of us children were sitting, huddled together on a bottom bunk, while my mom, dad and an uncle were having some sort of altercation. Mom and Dad were divorced by then, and he and my uncle were in some sort of row. I remember my dad’s face bleeding and a bloody handkerchief…and lots of frightening yelling…until he finally left our house.
  • My step-dad, who is the only dad I’ve ever really known, has always been so kind to me. He, on the other hand, was sometimes a tough dad with the boys. He struggled with fits of anger, and they were the recipients of it. As the years went by, he managed to get control of his anger for the most part. Still there are memories I wish I didn’t have, and I’m sure my brothers wish they could forget.
  • My oldest brother, who saw much more than I did of our birth father’s selfishness and our step-dad’s temper, also struggled with anger issues through his life. He had an uncanny ability to bait us, as family, into escalating arguments that left us all shaking with emotion. I learned the most about dealing with anger through trying to stay in relationship with him. Two friends, who also loved him, gave me the insight I needed to NOT take the bait and to draw down the negative emotion of our conversations. One friend told me, “Hurt people hurt people.” That one observation helped me the most with my brother. His whole life was full of hurt, some he brought on himself, some he didn’t. Before he died, a few years back, he had begun the process of healing in a lot of those areas. I am so thankful that he finally saw that friendship with family was possible. We became close friends before the end. My only regret for him was that he didn’t have time for all his relationships mended before he died. Learn from this.

[There are some other situations very close to me that are still too fresh and painful to put up here….where people I love have been terribly hurt by angry, vindictive men who were supposed to protect and care for them.]

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I started thinking about this dilemma of “blowing up” anger especially in men after reading Chuck Lawless’ article 10 Steps to Deal with Anger. He offers really good counsel especially to Christian men with anger problems, but anyone would benefit from reading this article. Chuck grew up with a father who lashed out at his family in anger (he wrote about it here). Like my step-dad, his dad would later change, with God’s help…which can give hope to all of us.

Too often we downplay anger. Because it is a normal emotion, we tend to just accept it unless there is violence inflicted.  When fits of anger are typical of how we respond to frustration, disappointment, loss, or not getting our way, we need help.

Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these… But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law...If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit.  Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.Galatians 5:19-26

Kurt Smith posted a gripping piece on his Guy Stuff Counseling blog. Married to an Angry Man – A Wife’s View of Her Husband’s Anger was taken from Kim Barnes’ article With This Rage, I Thee Wed. Her story is real and heart-wrenching. Then the comments and Kurt Smith’s responses to them are also incredibly helpful in understanding what women encounter in their anger-singed relationships.

Dear men with anger issues in our lives, please get the help you need…for your sake and that of those who love you. Often, we hear people walking away from negative relationships, but, except for when violence is present, I would support people staying together and fighting through to healing if at all possible. Still, help from counselors, pastors, or other professionals may be required for a breakthrough.

Tom Elliff wrote a small book entitled The Broken Curse, about lashing out with words and the life-long impact of such words…unless healing takes place. “Hurt people hurt people” and their weapons are sometimes words of contempt, resentment, and intimidation. Men who explode with anger have histories often of being victims of that very same kind of treatment by one who was supposed to have loved and protected them. Both the angry men and the women, children, and other men in their lives all need to examine these life patterns and work together to relate differently to each other.

Helps abound online and through various agencies…when we’re willing to face the hateful, hurtful reality of unleashed anger.

 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. – Ephesians 4:31-32

Kill Anger Before It Kills You or Your Marriage – John Piper – don’t miss this one.

Married to an Angry Man – A Wife’s View of Her Husband’s Anger – posted by Kurt Smith, Counseling Men Blog – Don’t miss the comments – story after story of women and the angry men they have loved – very helpful.

Counseling Men Blog – Guy Stuff Counseling

Brad Hambrick on Anger

Top 7 Bible Verses on Anger – Jack Wellman

7 Ways to Help Men Resolve Anger Issues – Jed Diamond

Battered Person Syndrome – Wikipedia

The Angry Heart – Biblical Counseling CoalitionBlog - Anger - Angry man - Biblical Counseling CoalitionPhoto Credit: Biblical Counseling Coalition

5 Friday Faves – Survivorship Plan, Words in a Marriage, Broadway Musicals, Gentleman Traditions, a Poet for the Present, Plus a Bonus

Blog - Friday Faves

Happy Friday! It’s another gorgeous day in the Commonwealth… before the wilting heat of summer presses in. Here are five of my favorite finds this week. Please share some of yours in Comments at the end. What a wonder to learn new information that empowers, or to discover a thought leader who resonates with our own sensibilities, or to be filled with the delight of joyful sights, sounds, and sweet or savory treats.

1) Survivorship Plan – In my third week post-surgery, and getting better each day. My friend, Kathy, asked me this week if I had considered a survivorship plan. That was new terminology to me. Kathy also shared with me about Kelly A. Turner’s Radical Remission: Surviving Cancer Against All Odds. Turner is a researcher and lecturer in integrative oncology and her focus is on cancer survivors who are out-living their prognoses. In her book, she talks about the nine key factors that she discovered in the study of hundreds of patients. Blog - Cancer Survivorship Plan - Radical RemissionPhoto Credit: Radical Remission by Kelly A. Turner PhD

She continues to research in this field and her website includes story after story of survivors who live cancer-free, in remission despite the dismal statistics of their disease.

Thankfully my cancer was caught early, but recurrence is still an issue, so I am thinking through a survivorship plan for myself. If you know me well, I am not the healthiest eater and taking supplements isn’t something I’ve done well with in the past…but all that just might change. Just so you know, I’m not ever planning to be a drum-beating health crazy…just want to be wiser with this life God has restored to me.Blog - Cancer Survivorship Plan - Turmeric

2) Words in a Marriage – Words in any relationship are either life-giving or life-damaging.   Allie Casazza writes about how our words can create a husband we can’t stand.  We all have sick memories of things we’ve said to our husbands that we wish we could take back (husbands, you may have similar memories of how you’ve talked to your wives). It doesn’t have to be this way. My husband is a “words of affirmation” kind of guy. After so many years of marriage, I understand how words can either cause him to draw back from me or stay close. What a great wisdom, to learn this early in marriage.Blog - Nagging - Words - tolovehonorandvacuumPhoto Credit: To Love Honor and Vacuum

3) Broadway Musicals – This coming Sunday is the 2016 Tony Awards ceremony, saluting the great shows currently on Broadway. The musicals are my favorites. Many years ago, I had several opportunities to visit New York City. When there, Broadway plays were on the agenda. Three shows on my list in those days were A Raisin in the Sun, Your Arms Too Short to Box with God, and Chicago. My absolute favorite musical, which I didn’t see in New York but in another city, was Les Miserables. Maybe, I will make it to a Broadway or off-Broadway show again some day. The video here captures the joy of these musicals for me – belting out favorite lyrics with friends…with all the gusto of an ensemble performing on stage. Blog - Broadway Musicals - Tony Awards - zimbioPhoto Credit: Zimbio

4) Gentleman Traditions
I tried to raise our boys to grow up with gentleman traditions – opening doors for others, greeting all in the room respectfully, good manners at table, giving up a seat for another. Having grown up myself as a daughter of the feminist movement (with the subsequent Equal Rights Amendment in play), I was not sure myself what traditions should be upheld and which were no longer relevant. Kris Wolfe writes a sweet piece on 21 Lost Gentleman Traditions That Still Apply Today. As I read these traditions, I thought some of them may actually feel very awkward in today’s culture. What do you think? When I was a young girl first observing these traditions in the dads and young men in my life, I remember how winsome they were. Which ones do you especially value? Which ones are you teaching your boys and young men?Blog - Gentlemen - refe99Photo Credit: Refe99

5) A Poet for the Present – This week’s news marked a media outcry regarding the sexual assault on a young woman and the very lenient judgment and sentence given the perpetrator. If you search for the phrase “20 minutes of action”, you will see article after article about the young man’s father’s defense of the actions of his son. Very poor choice of words for what this man did that night.  I would like to point you to two blogs in particular, and a poem. John Pavlovitz’s blog To Brock Turner’s Father – From Another Father is one you should read. Also Ann Voskamp’s piece About Those “20 Minutes of Action”: 20 Things we Better Tell Our Sons Right Now About Being Real Men. The poem is by Tymm Hoffman who works with Compassion International, in Colorado Springs, Colorado. He and I don’t know each other, but I found him on Facebook when a friend shared another poem he wrote. Tymm is my poet for the present day culture we live in.

20 MINUTES
In twenty minutes, I can probably shower and shave,
I can run a 5k or waste 1.4% of a day;

I can almost bake a cake, grill a medium sirloin steak,
And let’s be honest – If I smoked – I could take a smoke break;

I could watch a sitcom from the beginning to the end,
And write about 4 emails – spellcheck and then hit send;

I could listen to 5 songs, if they’re short, maybe six,
Or I could share some funny memes from this season of politics;

I could cut my front yard and probably most of the back,
While streaming about half of the “Purple Rain” soundtrack;

I could wash a load of clothes and get them started drying,
I could crack some funny jokes – we’d be laughing til we’re crying;

I could give the kids a bath, help them with their math,
Then chase them round the house like a crazy psychopath;

I could snag a little siesta, ya know, a quick lil’ power nap,
Or write a battle rap while strapped with a shower cap;

There’s a whole lot of things I could do with my twenty minutes,
A whole lot of positive things with lots of happiness in it;

Or I could drink until I’m gone sir, and turn into a monster,
Steal her dignity and honor as I force myself upon her;

Take 1/3 of an hour to strip her of all her power,
Cast a permanent dark shadow over a bright and shining flower;

Let my daddy stand up for me while I take no responsibility,
Claim absolutely no liability, and blame drunken fragility;

And watch the life of a stranger get broken as a reaction,
And realize who’s really paying the price for your “20 minutes of action.”Tymm Hoffman, with permission.

Bonus: Fruit in Season & a Yummy Recipe – Yesterday I had one of those perfect summer lunches with a friend. Fruit in season is like nothing else. Blueberries can be blue and still tart. I don’t often trust them. These blueberries, every single one, were just right in their sweetness. The strawberries, the same. So luscious. My friend’s hot baked chicken salad was so satisfying. Even with my altered appetite post-surgery, I could have eaten the whole thing as the day passed…but didn’t, of course. The recipe follows below.Blog - BLueberries (2)Blog - Fruit in Season - Strawberries - EgyptBlog - Summer Lunch - Fresh Fruit, Blueberries, Salad, Hot Chicken Salad - BeckyRecipe for Hot Baked Chicken Salad - Mrs. DaisysPhoto Credit: Food.com

Happy Weekend, Loves!

5 Friday Faves – Recovering from Surgery: Cheerleaders & Caregivers, Glimpses of Beauty, Words Fitly Spoken, Comfort Foods, and Sports Movie Speeches

Blog - Friday Faves

10 days ago was the last time I posted a blog until right now. It was the day of my surgery. My surgeon decided the time had come to lay to rest exactly what was this little nodule – this incidental finding that has persisted now 6 months. He assured me that it is either “nothing or early”.  Hours later I would discover that it wasn’t nothing but it was early. Stage 1 cancer. He did that “gold standard” surgery to remove what was necessary to lead to cure. Now my job is to heal…from the reality of the diagnosis and the protracted recovery time (from days originally to weeks/months now).

This week’s Friday Faves relate to these days of recovery thus far. It’s an open letter of thanks for the great and many graces of God through all those He brings across our paths in times of pain and weakness. I have been much changed by this experience and by the kindnesses given to one unable to give back. Thank God. Thank God for you.

1) Cheerleaders and Caregivers – What would we do without those persons in our lives who step in, extend a hand, share a truth, or just steady our particular rocking boat? My close nurse friend, Kathy Visneski, coached me through this recovery business, from her vacation on the beach. She didn’t have to…that’s just who she is and what she does. Over the last 10 days, I have had so many strangers, friends, colleagues, neighbors, and family members come near in this experience with me. It’s reminded me of Kara Tippetts‘ book Just Show Up. We all bring different giftings, different strengths into this arena. In particular, Dave, this husband of mine, has juggled well his work, his chores and mine at home, and all the many extra demands that recovery has made on both of us. Thank you, Dave. Thanks, Kathy. Thank you all.Dave April 2016

2) Glimpses of Beauty Beyond the Pain – I’m not a “cut flower” kind of woman. They seem so extravagant…that is, until the day comes, when pain stabs you through the chest and you don’t want to get out of bed. Then a bouquet of irises, roses, and hydrangea show up from a friend states away. She said, in the card, that she knew the irises would remind me of my mom and would be an added comfort. She was right. Other flower arrangements would follow and would turn our living room into a quiet garden where I would begin healing. Beauty to rest my eyes.Blog - Hospital - Irises

3) Words Fitly Spoken – “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.” – Proverbs 25:11 We sometimes silence ourselves for fear of not saying the right thing or not knowing what to say. My bias is that lots of grace should be given those who try to fill the awkward places between people with whatever words they can find. For me, words haven’t come so easily in these days of dealing with a cancer diagnosis, even caught in the earliest of stages. I’ve had some of the kindest words spoken over me in these days. One friend, visiting shortly after I came home, said something like, “Debbie Mills down?! No way!” It was my sentiment and confusion exactly. I’m fairly tough, resilient. This surgery and aftermath have humbled me in such a way as to remember that “when I am weak, God is strong in me”. We want to be able to say that to others in need…living it is a whole other thing. I’m discovering the faithfulness of God in a way I would never have sought out before.

 Along with all the voiced encouragements, I’ve received some beautiful cards. How kind of people to still go out and search for an appropriate card and either take the time to drop it by or send it in the mail to arrive providentially. The card below came on a hard day when recovery seemed to be going very slowly. It was perfect.

2016 June - Greeting Card - Turtle after surgery - Getting There 0012016 June - Greeting Card - Turtle after surgery - Getting There 002

4) Comfort Foods – A side effect of the pain and weakness seems to be this loss of appetite. Never before have I just not wanted to eat anything… Nothing sounded good. Not even my daily cup of coffee delight in the morning. I’ve lost 8 pounds since surgery. Then one night this week a friend brought over a chicken almond casserole. I ate some in a little bowl, nestled in my “sickbed”, and it was actually very good. Since that night, my appetite has been coming around.

Unforgettable Chicken CasserolePhoto Credit: Mr. Food

Yesterday, something made me think of Biscoff cookies, a crisp spice cookie offered to travelers on Delta Airlines. I told my daughter and she remembered some she had in her cupboard, a gift from her mom-in-law. She brought them over, and this morning, I had my first full cup of coffee with two of these lovely cookies. Returning to normal.
Blog - Comfort food - coffee and Biskoff Cookies

5) Sports Movie Speeches –
My normally short attention span is even worse in these days since surgery. Reading the briefest of passages in the Bible or a book is about all I can handle. Except for TV. It is definitely a medium that can be taken in completely passively (not that I recommend it because of that). In these days of moving from loveseat to sofa to recliner, with my phone and TV remote tucked under my pillow, watching movies has helped me to be occasionally distracted from my situation. This week, I saw the 2004 football film Friday Night Lights. Near the end of the film, Coach Gaines, gives the most inspiring half-time speech to his weary, busted-up team, two quarters away from winning or losing their state championship. See the clip here. Blog - Friday Night Lights - sports movie speech - fanspeakPhoto Credit: FanSpeak

There is another YouTube video of the Top 10 Sports Movie Speeches. Sure these speeches aren’t always full of truth and all are colored by the pop culture of that film setting. Still, when you are down and not sure what it will take to get up again, inspiration is a very good thing. [Honestly the most inspirational, deeply resonate “speeches” were spoken by Jesus to his followers in strange and stretching situations. I am one of those…inspired by Him now.].

Well…that’s my Friday Faves – being posted on a Saturday. The first time I’ve written since before the surgery 10 days ago. I hope to write more about what this surgery and diagnosis are teaching me but all that is in process right now.  If you have any stories, links to inspiring speeches, recipes for comfort foods, or whatever you’re stirred to share, please do so below in the comments. ,Thank you for showing up here…in this time of my life. You encourage me…and one day, maybe I will have the opportunity to encourage you. It is my desire…Blog - Debbie - Home from the Hospital

One day….the beach.

Blog - Ocean, Sky, Sun - Kathryn VisneskiPhoto Credit: Kathryn Visneski

Just Breathe – Writing as Solace and More

Blog - Writing as Solace - writetodonePhoto Credit: Write to Done

Too much to do, and no time to write. Not a fan of these kinds of days. Still…it is what it is, and my time in front of a screen or blank page is limited by necessity today. And the next few days.

Just breathe.

As Maugham puts it, “Writing is the supreme solace.” I wouldn’t go that far, because prayer and community take writing down the list to #3. I do miss it when it can’t fit into the day.

Writing brings order to my thoughts. As an extrovert leaning toward introversion as I get older, the thoughts pinging around in my brain don’t seem always to make sense until they’re out in conversation or writing. Even in conversation, I’m not sure if it does justice to those thoughts.

So I write.

Today there is no time. The “real world” presses in and I welcome it…with its women and children, and errands, and laundry. If I don’t see my neighbor’s backyard azaleas today, they will be gone. My friend whose son is having surgery may need me later, so I must keep space in the day for her.

Small and large things keep me from writing today…even from thinking deeply…so I leave you now. Life, instead of writing about life, is the order of the day. Thank you for spending these moments with me, Reader Friend. You must understand about words.Blog - Spring Flowers Flowering Trees

Hope and Solace: Advice for Writers

Quotes on Solace – GoodReads

Why I Write – Jessica Morrell

YouTube Video – Breathe by Johnny Diaz with Lyrics

Love Notes – A Family Tradition – Started by Our Mom

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From the Archives

[On the eve of what would have been my Mom’s 89th birthday, I want to look back a bit to one of the sweetest customs she had – leaving love notes hidden to encourage us in her absence. She still encourages us…even in her absence. Love you, Mom.]Blog - Mom

Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing.1 Thessalonians 5:11

Encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called “Today,” so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.Hebrews 3:13

Our family has never lived close to the grandparents. This was never easy…for any of us. Before I married, I did live close to home, and my mom was my best friend. She died several years ago, and I often say to people who knew her that “when I grow up, I want to be just like her.” Still working on that.

Mom and I shared a weakness for words…they are probably excessively important to us, delivering both positive and (sometimes) negative weight. She was an amazing encourager. She rarely missed an opportunity to lift another’s spirit or to speak loving truth to someone desperate for God’s touch.

When I moved away to take a teaching job, she and my dad helped me move. New Haven, Connecticut was a 2-day drive from Georgia. It’s the farthest I had ever wandered from home. She stayed a week to help me settle in.  While there, she was such great company. We explored the city together and laughed over a new culture and cried at the missing that was ahead for us.

She filled my freezer with her baking, and, while I was at work, she wrote notes. Then she hid them everywhere. After she flew home, I began finding them. In my coffee mug. Under my pillow. In the pocket of my coat. Among my reference books. Behind my music on the piano. She was with me in the love notes she left, and it made the distance between us…less.

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My mom and I also had a weakness for bits of paper. I kept every one of her notes. These from that move over 30 years ago are fading…red ink on pink paper. There are a lifetime of notes between my mom and me. The tradition she started on that first move has become a life-long tradition for our family. Our visits back and forth, across the US and then the globe, have been papered by these little notes.

Our children, from the time they could write, entered into this tradition much to the joy of their grandparents. Before we would leave again, these three young ones would write of their affection for their grandparents and hide them all over their houses. I delighted in their cooperation in this conspiracy of love.

Mom always wrote notes…not just to us but to so many. She and her Sunday School Class ladies would send cards every week to the sick ones or the sad ones. She had a special burden for the elderly, for widows (including functional widows, deserted by husbands) and for fatherless children (again including those “orphaned” by still-living fathers). She inspired me by her humble ambition .

Pure and undefiled religion before our God and Father is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself unstained by the world. – James 1:27

I am so thankful for my mom’s bits of paper…for her love…and for her perseverance in encouraging and serving others. Her generation is aging, and it is for us to pick up these traditions and pass them on somehow to the next generations…Maybe there won’t be bits of paper or love notes like in the past. I do hope we still take the time to write. Definitely, the call to serve and to encourage is as current as today. My life continues to be rich with those, young and old, who reach out to those around them with words of affirmation and kindness. Written or not, they are love notes to my heart.

Thanks, Mom. Thank God for you.

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The 59 “One Anothers” of the New Testament

Blog - Mom and nathan