The great transitions of life, as we get older, stagger us at times. This week we have experienced the death of a friend and the retirement of a faithful worker. It has given pause to reflect on their lives and remember how valuable life, work, and relationships are.
Our friend who died earlier this week is also part of our family, being the dad to our sweet daughter-in-law. His parting was too sudden, the result of cancer that took an aggressive turn just in a matter of weeks. We share grandchildren with him. He is dear to them, and, thusly, dear to us.
We are thankful for the time we have had with him but wanted more. He longed for more time with these little grands, but what he had would have to suffice. He had a generous heart and they knew him that way. They prayed for him every day which moved us to pray better for him.
His passing is still shocking for us, happening so quickly, but we take comfort in this Bible verse: “Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6)
The other transition in life that was halting to us was the retirement of a long-time friend. Over 30 years in international work. He and his amazing wife have been so faithful and focused in the work that God gave them. No “looking back over the plow” (Luke 9:62) for these two. Retirement will definitely advance differently in this friend’s life. His boss even said, on his retirement, “The Energizer bunny only has an on/off switch”. No real slow down for this one until God says (way, way down the road hopefully) “Well done, good and faithful servant”.
[On one of his many adventures some call work]
[Our “retiring friend” and his awesome wife who is his counterpart – strong, kind, and loving – a true partner in the work]
Ullie Kaye Poetry has been a constant read for me this week in grieving and celebrating. She clearly knows the experience of grieving, and of celebrating people we love, and of honoring the God who “carries mountains”.
[This friend and our daughter who has known his influence]
These two men – different and yet similar – loved and appreciated. We will miss the one until Heaven. We will miss the other as they move away to another work. We hold both in our hearts and will never forget what we have learned and gained from each. God is good…all the time.
Processing thoughts on the difficult subject of offending and being offended, a song drifts into my hearing from Dave’s office. He is riding his bike (on a trainer) to a playlist that matches his ride (slow/fast/slow). This particular song pounding into my head is rock band The Eagles‘ Get Over It. [Dave will also pull that song up on the occasion he recognizes he’s having a pity party.]
I’ve had some great friends in my life who have spoken reason to me in times when something said or done to me (or to someone I cared about) offended. “Get over it!” was actually a helpful “slap” into reality for me. Reminds me of that old commercial, “Thanks! I needed that.”
The motivation for this piece is walking alongside people I love who have been deeply offended and don’t see a way to get past it. Offenses are hard, especially if they seem intentional.
We still have a choice. We can choose not to be offended…whether it felt the seeming offense was directed toward us or we are tempted to take up offensefor another.
Author Desirée M. Mondesir writes a “slap to the face” piece on our culture’s move to looking for and taking up offense. It’s especially fascinating to me because she refers to a student revolt at Yale University. Having taught there years ago, I can see this gradual evolution from reason to riot. It’s a stunning change in society and we are none immune to it.
Mondesir refers to this cultural shift as being a sign of end times.
“And then many will be offended, will betray one another, and will hate one another. Then many false prophets will rise up and deceive many. And because lawlessness will abound, the love of many will grow cold. But he who endures to the end shall be saved.” – Jesus – Matthew 24:10-13
Sure sounds like today’s culture, in the US anyway.
Writer and counselor John Bevere has written a fascinating book on offense entitled The Bait of Satan: Living Free From the Deadly Trap of Offense. The title put me off at first but in reading it, the whole issue of offense is highlighted as something that turns us inward and keeps us from healthy relationships with one another and with God. When you think about it, Eve, in the first pages of the Torah/Old Testament [Genesis 3:2-7], was the first of humankind to act in offense. In her conversation with the Serpent tempter, she reacted to the Serpent’s suggestion, questioning the instruction (and the goodness) of God. To me, it demonstrates her taking offense that she would be drawn into Satan’s ruse. Even acting in rebellion, presuming God didn’t mean good toward her. She decided for herself to eat from the tree (the one tree God had forbidden), and the consequences of her choosing continue to today.
What could Eve have done differently? She could have trusted God’s heart toward her. If she fell into doubt (through Satan’s cunning argument), she could have sought out the Creator first before she acted on a lie.
When Eve acted in this way, and took the bait, we can see how we, too, can be drawn in – becoming disoriented by someone’s words or deeds, and forgetting what is really the truth of the matter. Our emotions fly away with us, and we bind ourselves in the chains of offense.
“Someone else cannot “offend” you – however, you can choosewhether or not to take offense at something someone says or does.
Someone else cannot make you mad, happy, sad, or offended – you, and you alone can control how you react to the world around you.
Learn and apply that one relatively simple lesson, and you’ll be much happier in life.”
We may not be able to choose our immediate emotion over a word or action perceived as against us, but we can develop a habit or discipline to determine NOT to take offense.
Currently, the news media is having a hey-day with sound-bytes and interviews hand-picked to incite offense.
As for personal situations, people who offend do not always mean to offend. [I don’t say this lightly. Of course, there are those who do. I also am not talking about abuse here. That is a whole other topic, but the principles still apply.] No one knows truly what’s inside us that gives us struggle, not even ourselves. Like the Mcgill quote states, it’s only in our response that we discover that which is still unresolved. Reacting in self-defense or in counter-attack mode brings more hurt. “Hurt people hurt people.” With practice, I can determine not to carry hurt away from a conversation or interaction.
In situations between two people, we can choose not to be offended, but how do we deal with the offense?
The offender communicates disrespect. A social violation occurs. Two people are involved and the resolution of that interaction requires input from both of them. When the one offended determines to engage in good faith, trying to seek understanding and rebuild trust, s/he may actually discover the intent of the offending person. A misunderstanding or an action following a perceived threat on the part of the offender may be the issue rather than an intent to hurt.
On the side of the one offended, this is not a social situation. It is deeply personal. Only the one offended knows the extent of the offending words/actions. For this reason, the offended person can refuse to think ill of the offender…and not take offense. Then take steps toward reconciliation or, if that’s not possible, make a personal decision not to be hurt by that person. This is not easy…especially at first in training one’s responses.
“The answer is a little paradoxical: We should strive not to offend or disrespect others. At the same time, we should also strive to not feel offended, or disrespected, for long. In other words, we should strive to be kind socially, and to feel free psychologically.”
Forgiveness opens the door wide to reconciliation. Forgiveness can defuse the hurt. Boundaries may come into play, but if the boundaries are built out of fear, dread, anger, or hatred, we are still not free from offense.
My biological father abandoned us long before my mom left him (before my sixth birthday). I saw him only twice after that. For years, I wrote him letters with no response, and then I stopped. My love for him grew cold. If he had any sense of needing forgiveness or asking for forgiveness, I don’t know. He died before I told him I forgave him. Every time this comes to mind, forgiving him is revisited. That’s a regret for me. However, I know the beautiful experience of forgiving a long-played offense from my older brother. Robert, who had deep pain of his own, struck out at others. My response for years was being offended at him or taking up an offense for other family members. It wasn’t pretty. Then, thanks to the wisdom and honesty of friends, I came to my senses on his offenses and my reactions. No more taking up an offense when Robert attacked…and the attacks died. He and I became closer than we had ever been over our lives. In fact, he gentled in his relationship with our siblings also. Those brief years (which could have been more if I had understood sooner) were great blessings (hopefully to both of us). When he died suddenly in his 60s, I carried no regrets. #Unoffendable #Forgiveness – I forgave him and he forgave me…without the words but walking out forgiveness with each other. So much grace in that.
[Dave’s Mom, Our Adult Kids, Dave & Me – Not all the grands are on social media – but they begin the next generation of our family.]
I want to write about family…well, this family right here. In fact, I want to write a letter to them. Feel free to read along.
Dear Family,
Yesterday was a sweet time celebrating our September birthday guys – Dave & Nathan. Father & First Son. You both are so dear to all of us.
To you siblings and siblings-in-law, I love you so much. In the early years, I had this wild idea about how, while we live in the same city, we would get together weekly – like for Sunday dinner – like in the TV show Blue Bloods.
[Blue Bloods – read the short piece on how their weekly family gatherings shaped the show and character relationships.]
We don’t get together weekly, and that’s ok. When we do get together, it can be loud and opinionated, just like that TV family. However, it’s always rich – food for thought as well as body. Hope you leave each time, not just with a full tummy but, with the refreshed understanding of how much you are loved. Not just by Dad and me but by your siblings.
[I’m a faithful documenter of people and special events. Always working on their patience. It means a lot when everyone cues up and smiles, but occasionally someone doesn’t feel like it…and that’s ok.]
To our youngest: I know being the baby of the family can get old, especially when you find yourself in your mid-30s. Hopefully you know that your opinions matter to your family. We want to know what you think… always. It made me sad that you were suffering from a headache through most of the meal yesterday. Please take heart that although we all don’t always agree on everything, we are grounded in love for each other. That’s priority and it will never change. Ever. I want to thank you for loving your family, too. You don’t have to show up and yet you do. There is a measure of hard in your life, different from ours, which would be easy for you to stay focused on. It gives us immeasurable joy when you are able to shake off the hard and laugh about “the old days”, tease your siblings and absorb their ribbing, and love on your nieces and nephews. It’s also no small thing how you serve us (me) – baking and straightening.
[Lots of Sibling Love Right Here]
To the married siblings and their spouses: You have incredibly busy lives, and yet for those hours when we are together for the odd special occasion, time slows. You are present. You are engaged. You are yourselves. The flow of conversation is easy and animated. You roll with the skirmishes between little cousins and you parent them all so well. I hope you know how much you are loved. As your Dad (Dad-in-law) and I get older, we are so grateful for how you hang in there with us and each other. Family estrangement is so prevalent in our world today, but so far, we have weathered the storms. Your commitment to our family is something we do NOT take for granted.
[The Guys]
[The Big Sister & the Little Brother]
To any who are reading: all families are different. Within each family, there are tremendous differences in temperaments, preferences, and even worldview. Ruptures can happen and repair is hard to come by. Our Sunday birthday dinner reminded me of things learned over the last few years:
We can make a place of safety and security for those we live.
When we are only around people who agree with us, we experience an echo chamber of affirmation. When we experience dissonant voices from those who love us, we learn how to better love those different from us.
In a rowdy family discussion, we still probably agree more than we disagree. Take an inventory on that from time to time. How do we affirm each other even when we don’t agree?
Lead with curiosity and empathy. If contempt is stirred up, recognize it for the destroyer of relationships it is, and take steps against it (see here).
Remember life is messy. Family is messy. We may prefer our lives (and families) to “look” a certain way, but it’s healthier for us to be real and honest with each other. “The human mind doesn’t have the capacity to live a life so curated” (convo with friend/counselor Taryn Blocker).
Flexibility is a character quality we all need to navigate relationships when people are crossing our boundaries. Flexibility, humility, and forgiveness. It’s going to happen, especially in family. Respecting boundaries goes both ways and takes both self-care and other-care. Or relationships break down.
What else? What would you add to those list? Please share in comments.
[The original three & me]
I am very thankful for this family. With all our warts. Not unlike any other family out there. So thankful for the relationships these siblings have with each other, and for the littles with their sibling and cousin relationships. Check out these beautiful reels from Instagram on the topic.
Finally, I’d like to just mention psychiatrist Dr. Gabor Maté‘s opinion on how all children grow up in different families with different parents. He justifies that thinking about how we, as parents, change and evolve in our thinking on parenting, with each child, and our children are all different from each other. We may even use the same practices but our children react differently to them. The old adage” of “caught or taught” would bring meaning to this as well.
“Siblings may grow up in the same house, but that doesn’t mean their childhoods were the same. Not even close.
Same parents? Nope. Same family? Nope. Same childhood? Absolutely not.
Parents show up differently for each child depending on the season of their life, their relationship, and even their financial situation.
It’s not about who is loved more. It’s about how that love is expressed — and how each child experiences it.
Then, to those amazing adult children, add spouses, careers, and varied life experiences to the equation, and we continue to have the wonder of family – familiar and yet also new and changing. It makes for a fascinating Sunday dinner experience…and a lifetime of tilling the soil of a safe, secure, and hopefully sacred love for each other.
Brothers – I have three. Never had had sisters and always wanted one. Fortunately, I do have two sisters-in-law married to two of those brothers who have given me that sweet experience of sisters for life. [Another amazing sister-in-law thanks to my husband’s brother].
Now, back to my brothers.
[L to R; Dwane, Wade, and Robert]
One died too young, and we miss him. Our older brother, Robert, died of a “shredded aorta”. The surgeon who operated for hours to save his life told our family they were able to repair the aorta but couldn’t get him off bypass. He was just too tired.
Today is his birthday. He would have been 79 but died at 61.
Life was hard for my brother, Robert, twice divorced and struggling with health issues that diminished him. He coped not well by blaming the hard on others. His siblings took some of the brunt of it…his children and parents also. However, we learned especially from our mom’s example that loving him mattered. Two friends of mine, in separate conversations, gave me excellent advice: “Hurt people hurt people… deflect the attacks and lean in anyway.” I learned what the buttons were that Robert pushed for me and “deactivated” them. I wanted our relationship to survive. Somehow, when I didn’t react to his put-downs or temper outbursts, he just stopped trying to engage in that way. What if I had walked away and given up on him, on us. Thankfully, we had time…not as much as we would have liked, but time…to be close, to laugh over memories, to share the daily small victories, to long together for better days, to make plans for those days. I learned so much from him on dealing with challenge and not giving up.
One day I will tell him.
My two “little brothers”, Dwane and Wade, have benefited from what we learned from our older brother. We three have always had strong opinions like our big brother, but less argumentative and more gentle. Now that our parents are gone, we hold together, somewhat imperfectly. Not any of us living in the same state has made closeness more challenging. However, I can’t imagine any disagreement ever separating us from each other. We are family and I am so thankful for them.
How about you?
Sometimes we lose a parent (or both) through divorce or death. We are with our siblings for most all of our lives. They help shape us for life. They know us differently than any one else in the world.
My extended family lives far from me. Every trip to gather, every phone call and text message mean the world.
Let’s celebrate our families while we have them. None are perfect. Some are exceptionally difficult. We have much to learn – from our original families – to live well in our own next families…and to love well, even through the hard.
Remembering Robert today. His passion, his joy in the simple things, his longing for family closeness, his persevering in the hard. He had a temper, too, but it calmed as he got older and nearer to death (although he didn’t know it was coming). So thankful for the life we shared and the time we had. I will never forget. So grateful that his faith in God was restored in the end and we will see each other in Heaven. Until then…
[Robert and his tiny granddaughter][Robert & his little niece Christie, all grown-up now][Robert with his daughter Stephanie and grandchildren Stephen and Erica][Robert with our good friend, Heba, who saw his heart and helped us not to miss it]
Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. – Genesis 1:26-27
“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” – Jesus – Matthew 11:28-30
“Everyone the Father gives me will come to me, and the one who comes to me I will never cast out.” – Jesus – John 6:37
So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” – John 8:31-32
We are created in the image of God. Astounding fact! That means we are hard-wired for goodness and beauty, love and creativity, mercy and justice. Our problem then? Sin. From the beginning, sin has seeded our nature with self-serving and the warped sense that we belong to ourselves not to the God who knows and loves us perfectly. Apart from surrendering ourselves to His lordship, we attempt to live fragmented with bits of His DNA at work in us but far from what He had in mind for us…far from the freedom we can have in Christ’s forgiveness.
This brings us to the beautiful story Jesus told of the prodigal son. In this parable, Jesus brings into focus the lives and relationships of three men – a father and his two sons. The younger son rejected the life his father had for him and chose to sever himself from him. He asked for his inheritance and his father let him go to what would become a life of debauchery…living loosely on the means he did not earn, except by his lineage from his father. The older son stayed with his father, serving him (and tending his own future) as before. The father was heart-broken, and, although it isn’t written, maybe the older son went looking for the younger son to bring him back home. Or maybe he did not. We don’t know. Once the money ran out, the younger son found himself alone and hungry, without relationship or worth. Shame and regret were his only companions. He decided to return to his father asking for his mercy. Was he truly contrite and repentant – we can’t know his heart. He for sure wanted relief from the constant distress he endured, consequence of his poor choices. As he came, his father recognized him, from far off, as if he never stopped looking for his return. The father came running to receive him, welcoming him back home. The older brother? Not so much. In his own self-righteousness, the older brother did not rejoice, even when it pained his father’s heart that he had such a response. Being a good father has its own anguish, and we should always remember that in our love for God and in our treatment of those He loves.
Singer, songwriter Brandon Lake just released his latest single “Daddy’s DNA”. It’s a beautiful, honest confession of a prodigal (most likely some of which is Lake’s own story).
I thought the world had something special I was missing My daddy told me not to chase it, I didn’t listen I fell downhill a mile a minute Before I knew it, I was livin’ In a pig sty a long, long way from home
I went runnin’ like a rebel Racked up debts I couldn’t pay I went dancing with the devil With one foot in the grave How the Heaven did I get here? Went and threw it all away All I’ve given You was trouble All You’ve given me was grace
And the freedom I was chasing felt like prison Lord, I’ve done so many things, wish I didn’t And after all the risky business Could I ever be forgiven? I’m afraid to even ask to come back home
‘Cause I went runnin’ like a rebel Racked up debts I couldn’t pay I went dancing with the devil With one foot in the grave How the Heaven did I get here? Went and threw it all away All I’ve given You was trouble All You’ve given me is grace Given me was grace
When I sobered up, and came back to my senses I was too far gone to make up all the distance I gambled all that I’d been given I was broke, alone and wishing That I could turn around and go back home When I heard the sound of footsteps down the road
And You came runnin’ like a rebel Paid off debts I couldn’t pay You went dancing with the devil Sent that liar to his grave How the Heaven did I get here? Where every sin has been erased All I’ve given You was trouble All You’ve given me is grace
There was something in the marrow Always coursing through my veins Buried deeper than the rubble Is My Daddy’s DNA*
I love this song. The bridge (or benediction?) at the end really gave me pause. We do have the Lord’s DNA in us…what we do with that has eternal consequence. Either we think it is really our DNA and we can live our lives for ourselves, our own ambition and pleasure, and our own perceived destinies…or we recognize Whose we are and what we need to do to alter course and take on the life we were meant to have. That is where joy and freedom really lie. To recognize the prodigal nature in all of us and to return Home to a Father who came for us, in Jesus, and continues to come for us through the Holy Spirit at work in our lives.
My prayer is that His DNA is on beautiful display in all who call Him Father.
“Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or in dread of them [your enemies], for the LORD your God is the One who is going with you. He will not desert you or abandon you.” – Deuteronomy 31:6
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, “For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. – Romans 8:35-39
Thanks to a good friend whose husband had to work, I had the joy of attending the Brandon Lake “Coat of Many Colors” tour. The whole night was a worshipful, joy-infused, God-glorifying experience, shared with hundreds of other folks. I am a new follower of Brandon Lake’s music and thank God for him, the lyrics he writes, and his sheer delight performing on stage. No…performing isn’t the word. More leading worship. He told us that night, “You’ve come to church!” It was a beautiful and awe-inspiring time.
He brought along fellow singer/songwriter Leeland who brought the song Waymaker to the world’s attention.Sinach, a Nigerian singer/worship leader had written the song, and Leeland recognized the important message this song. So fun to sing this song with him that night (only thing that would have been better would have been Sinach being there herself).
The other singer Brandon brought to us was the northern Irish singer/songwriter Benjamin William Hastings. Now, this points to Brandon’s lack of ego in sharing the stage with so much talent. He wanted us all to be able to worship the Lord without personalities getting in the way.
I didn’t know Benjamin W. Hastings, thinking Brandon was giving him an introduction to an American audience. I was so wrong. [Have a listen to this playlist.] He was one of the songwriters on “So Will I”.
All that to say, it was an incredible night of worship – full of beauty, joy, amazement, humility, and God at the absolute center.
Now back to “abandoned”. We think of it in the negative, right? So thankful God will never abandon His children. Hastings uses this word in a different way:
“Abandoned” was actually written by Brandon Lake. He and Hastings swapped a couple of songs, both of which will be released in 2024. You will hear Brandon’s heart in this song, but you will also hear Benjamin’s. You can imagine what it was like to be there that night…a brand-new song, one with which we had no emotional attachment (yet). A song we immediately bonded to because of Jesus.
The message of this song is my heart-cry. So grateful for the indescribable gift of Christ. The unspeakably precious gift we have from God – Jesus Christ. Hallelujah!
Worship with me [a clip from one of the Coat of Many Colors concerts – song isn’t released until 2024]:
Look, something isn’t adding up This wild exchange you offer us
I gave my worst, you gave Your blood Seems hard to believe So You’re telling me you chose the cross You’re telling me I’m worth that much And if that’s the measure of Your love How else would I see
[Chorus] But completely, deeply, sold-out, sincerely abandoned I’m completely, freely, hands-to-the-ceiling enamored My one-life endeavor To match Your surrender To mirror not my will but Yours I’m completely, deeply, don’t-carе-who-sees-me abandoned
[Interlude] I surrendеr all
[Verse 2] Oh, only You’d have thought it up This wild arithmetic of love ‘Cause none but You would count the cost And find us worth the pain One final breath upon the cross Until the one that woke You up So now I’ll breathe with every breath I’ve got ‘Cause like the air in the grave
[Chorus] I’m completely, deeply, sold-out, sincerely abandoned I’m completely, freely, hands-to-the-ceiling enamored My one-life endeavor to match Your surrender To mirror not my will but Yours I’m completely, deeply, I-don’t-care-who-sees-me abandoned
[Interlude] Oh, I surrender all I surrender all Oh, I surrender all Oh
[Bridge] All of my heart The best of my soul This phase of my life This breath in my lungs Consider it Yours, Lord Consider it Yours, Lord
The failures I hide The victories I don’t The battles I fight Each crown that I hoard Consider it Yours, Lord Consider it Yours, Lord
The plans that I’ve made These dreams of my own Take the best of my will But if one will be done Consider it Yours, Lord Consider it Yours, Lord
The glory forever The grave that You won The praise of the heavens The kingdom to come Consider it Yours, Lord Consider it Yours
[Chorus] ‘Cause I’m completely, deeply, sold-out, sincerely abandoned I’m completely, freely, hands-to-the ceiling enamored My one-life endeavor to match Your surrender To mirror not my will but Yours I’m completely, deeply, I-don’t-care-who-sees-me abandoned
[Interlude] Oh, I surrender all
[Chorus] My one-life endeavor To match your surrender To mirror not my will but Yours I’m completely, deeply, sold-out, sincerely abandoned
Whatever your faith base is or even if you have none to speak of, the parables of Jesus are magnificent stories that call us to deep thinking about life…and the choices we make.
The parable reflected in Rembrandt’s extraordinary painting above is one such story. In brief, you see a father and his older son (both in red robes) and a younger prodigal son, returning home, repentant.
“The Parable of the Lost Son” is found in only one of the Gospels – Luke 15:11-32 (the whole of his story is found in the link, within the larger context of Luke 15 – read that here). Jesus was responding to the questioning and contempt of the religious leaders of his day. Their problem with Jesus was the two opposing facts that he was a religious authority himself and yet he took company with sinners.
In Jesus’ response to them, he spoke of loss and our reaction. We go after what is lost, and we rejoice when it is found.
His story tells how a younger son wants his freedom and asks his father for his inheritance. He wanted something that would not normally come to him until his father’s death, but he demanded it still. The father then divided his estate between his two sons. The one left home to spend his wealth on folly, and the other, the older son, stayed, out of duty or love (we don’t really know).
The younger son’s foolishness quickly leads to a wasted, impoverished life. He longs for the life he once knew in his father’s house. He finally “came to his senses”, remembering his good father and how well even the hired workers in his household lived. He determined to return home and ask his father’s forgiveness – not to be restored as his son but in hopes of becoming one of those workers.
Jesus’ story goes on to show the father’s deep and loving character – seeing the son approaching from a distance, he ran to him. Receiving him back to himself, in joyous celebration.
This was part 1 of Jesus’ parable of the lost sons. Part 2 begins here with the older brother. He had been working out in the fields as always, and, returning at day’s end, he hears the noise of a party. When he asked a servant what was going on, he was told the younger brother had returned home and their father had ordered a celebration. Here, we find the other lost son’s response…
…he became angry and didn’t want to go in. So his father came out and pleaded with him.
But he replied to his father, ‘Look, I have been slaving many years for you, and I have never disobeyed your orders, yet you never gave me a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends.
But when this son of yours came, who has devoured your assets with prostitutes, you slaughtered the fattened calf for him.’
” ‘Son,’ [the father] said to him, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and rejoice, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ ” – Luke 15:28-32
Again, we capture the beauty of the father’s character. He loved both sons. He was generous with them both, and he invited both into his merciful love.
Jesus shared this story (as well as the story of the lost coin and lost sheep) with religious leaders who questioned his care for sinners. In a way, these religious ones were much like the older son.
Do you identify with one of these sons? One is reckless and searching – allowing his self-indulgent longings to take him far from home. The other is dutiful and obedient. Accepting the responsibilities of life to shape his character…and his subsequent lack of care for both his father and brother.
[My husband preached a sermon on this story years ago and I am often reminded of his reflection on it – how the elder brother must have thought he was pleasing his father because he stayed at the plow. What if that older brother would have come to the father and said, “Hey, Dad, would it be all right if I go and look for my brother?” If he truly knew the heart of his father, he would have left home, at some point, to search for that lost brother and bring him back to their dad.]
The father in this story is reflective of God. He is home. Whether that is your belief or not, we are place-oriented as humans. What (or who) we regard as home has a huge impact on how we do life.
I take heart in both of these brothers…my life has taken me far from home in both these ways. Wanting popularity and the stuff of this world as well as longing to do what is right and the influence that comes with that. Neither extreme brings us the joy we can have in being known and loved for who we are…and loving others the same.
Here are a few of Nouwen’s observations on Jesus’ story:
“Anger, resentment, jealousy, desire for revenge, lust, greed, antagonisms, and rivalries are the obvious signs that I have left home.”
“I am the prodigal son every time I search for unconditional love where it cannot be found.”
“…the question is not “How am I to love God?” but “How am I to let myself be loved by God?” God is looking into the distance for me, trying to find me, and longing to bring me home.”
“There are many elder sons and elder daughters who are lost while still at home.”
“The more I reflect on the elder son in me, the more I realize how deeply rooted this form of lostness really is and how hard it is to return home from there. Returning home from a lustful escapade seems so much easier than returning home from a cold anger that has rooted itself in the deepest corners of my being. ..Isn’t it good to be obedient, dutiful, law-abiding, hardworking, and self-sacrificing? And still it seems that my resentments and complaints are mysteriously tied to such praiseworthy attitudes… It seems that wherever my virtuous self is, there also is the resentful complainer.”
“In all three of the parables which Jesus tells to explain why he eats with sinners, God rejoices and invites others to rejoice with him. “Rejoice with me,” the shepherd says, “I have found my sheep that was lost.” “Rejoice with me,” the woman says, “I have found the drachma I lost.” “Rejoice with me,” the father says, “this son of mine was lost and is found.” All these voices are the voices of God.”
In closing, I would love to hear your thoughts in the Comment section of this blog. What struggle do you have in coming home? Or thinking of yourself as never having left, do you still feel alienated even at home? The best part of this story is that whether we feel more like the older brother or the younger brother, Jesus communicated that we can come home. A loving father is watching for us.
[Below are two sermons that got me thinking again about this great story – one of many Jesus told to those with “ears to hear”.]
We all have fathers – whether very present, present but distant, or long-time absent. Some of you may be fathers. Some of you may have wanted to be fathers but are not able to be…for whatever reasons.
This day of commemoration usually means a good meal and some sort of gifting or pampering for you dads. For all of you, with or without children, you can be influencers…and we need you. My biological father was absent long before my parents divorced.
Thankfully I have had a rich heritage of good fathers through the rest of my life – my step-dad, brothers, uncles, husband, father-in-law, son/son-in-law, and loving, empowering male friends and colleagues. Most of these good fathers in my life were spiritual fathers…but fathers nonetheless.
The father of my own children used to travel with his work. He and I had a parting ritual. He runs through the “in case something happens” list [let me know if you want particulars of that – it is helpful to know]. Then, we did sort of a “Thanks for marrying me” farewell…and finally that wonderful, “If I don’t see you here, I’ll see you THERE.” When this man wasn’t present with us, he still was.
Fathering, like mothering, is not an easy job. So much dying to self. So much responsibility. What a delight for us when the men in our lives take fathering on their shoulders as they might a sleeping child. Surrendering themselves to the serving of those younger than them. I thank God for men who humble themselves in prayer for their children and who go to work every day to support their families. Working, studying, and life-long learning passed on to their children and others.
These dads are too-often taken for granted in the shadow of fathering that falls short. The absent, neglectful and downright abusive fathers cut wounds so deep that decent fathers are sometimes judged by the same measure. We watch for “the sins of the fathers to be revisited on their children” (Numbers 14:18).
Today, let’s reflect on the good fathers. Those who were present at our births, or those who came later in life to us, or those who father us out of their own great hearts. Imperfect, sure. All of us are. Yet, there are those men who go many more than second miles for us, and we are grateful. – Deb Mills
…and finally let’s live in hope that those fathers who struggle to be present or loving may one day gather themselves together, awaken to what was left behind, and reach out to the treasures they missed along the way…and may they find us within reach.
Photo Credit: Calvin & Hobbs from the blog of Kenneth Reeds
“As to my children, you are now to be left fatherless, which I hope will be an inducement to you all to seek a Father who will never fail you.” – Jonathan Edwards, his last words to his children, as he lay dying
I want to celebrate her here. The girl and the understanding of friendship she has brought to her mom and to those who have known her best.
She was born on a windy March morning. Our first-born. I have brothers, and my Mom had all brothers. Having a daughter as our first was a complete joy and wonder to me, as my Mom tells me I was for her in the midst of all boys.
She would be my sidekick for many of our early adventures together. Welcoming two brothers during her preschool years. Enjoying the friendship of neighbors and church family. Homeschooling in East Tennessee.
I will never forget the Spring when she came home from Jack and Barbara Lavender’s Sunday School class with two tiny cups of growing seedlings. We planted them in her daddy’s garden and they grew an enormous bed of Cushaw squash. From those two little seeds. Sweet memories of friends who invested in our girl’s life.
Then there was the terrible time when she got desperately ill with what we would, over too many days, finally discover to be a ruptured appendix. This girl has always had a high threshold of pain, and it took four trips to the pediatrician’s office before I was taken seriously. She ended up with big surgery and 10 days on IV nutrition. This image shows her having her first meal over a week after her surgery (pillowcase from our friend, Kay – she still has this pillowcase).
Then our travels outside East Tennessee began.
For this quiet girl, having her life, and childhood friendships, disrupted was hard. Despite the incredible experiences of many moves across four countries, she learned resilience the hard way.
In those days, before smartphones, we carried our memories of people and places in tangible ways. Photo albums. This girl would often go deeper with new people in her life by introducing them to her previous life…through these cherished photo albums.
Everywhere we went, everywhere we lived, we have the photo memories of the sweet parts of those years. They are a treasure.
Friendships were not always easy for this girl…most probably related to adjusting to all the changes imposed on her by her parents’ many work moves. She was not the life-of-the-party, center-of-attention, making things happen, people magnet sort of girl. She loved books and they were often her friend -in the reality of multiple moves and too many goodbyes.
She did have two constant friends who went through all those moves with her. Her two brothers. They are still close. Remembering all the good, all the tears, and all the big sister times with her [calling her “Auntie” when she observed and advised where they preferred to be left to their own devices].
As this girl grew up, she learned how to recognize mean girls and not to take them personally nor to become one…which can easily happen for any of us in strained situations. She learned to embrace the new and sift for where she belonged in the different. And could even make a difference.[Her tiny Senior class, 2005, Casablanca, Morocco]
[Noor, a dear friend from high school, knowing the experience and also understanding what it’s like to move places and countries with your family]
[Maria, a fellow student and enduring friend as they both tackled teaching together. Different schools but similar challenges.]
Besides her brothers, this girl had two men she knew she could count on. Her Dad…and in time, her beloved whom she would marry. I love to catch snippets of conversations she and her Dad have on visits home. For two introverts, their words pour out with each other…safe people, safe places.
[This girl and her boy who would capture her heart and parent two little ones by her side – no pics of the littles – this girl’s preference and I honor it]
In this season of making a home and family, she has grown into this beautiful woman (OK…if you’re still reading, you either love her or the idea of her or you have such a her in your own lives). I am in awe of this girl. Not because she is anything of celebrity but because of how she handles today’s bumps. Also how she has taken both the bad and the beautiful of her growing up years and turned them into her own story.
This sweet girl has recommended Sally Clarkson to me often in the last years as a mom and mentor in life. In the book above, Sally’s daughter Sarah writes a chapter entitled Saturday Mornings: The Girls’ Club Prototype. In this chapter, she describes “five progressive actions…central to the powerful cultivation of friendship”. They are:
Invite – Reach out and bring in a new someone to an adventure and your life.
Plan – Work out the logistics of an event, a meetup, an outing. Make it a welcome ritual or routine.
Provide – Show love, Sarah says, by preparing the table, so to speak. Whether it is the physical space itself (your home, for instance) or your own “mind and heart” to wholly receive the new friend.
Stay – This is huge! Whether distance or circumstance separate you, be a continual presence in the life of a friend. Be there. Show up. This takes effort and intentionality, and it’s not easy. It requires both forgiveness and faithfulness…no matter what.
Pray – When we remember that every single person we meet is an image-bearer of God, we are reminded of the value there. Even those “mean girls” in our lives didn’t get mean in a vacuum. “Hurt people hurt people”. They have God’s imprint like every other imperfect person… When we recognize our own frailty and that of others, we are drawn to pray. For our own hearts to love like Jesus. For eyes to see how God sees people…and to reach out in love…as only He has made us to do so.
I’ve watched this girl executing all the above. She has commented that making (and nurturing) friendships as an adult has had its own challenges, maybe because of all the other pieces of life that need our attention. However, I rejoice with her that she has settled into a life fairly full of friends with littles and some without (including me).
I’ll close this “Happy Birthday” piece on this note: our girl has a fierce faith in God that brought her through the hard so far in her life. I’m confident that whatever lies ahead – joys and sorrows – she will lean into God to sustain her. She will be there for those whom God has placed in her life – family, friends, and friends-to-be.
Like her, I will leave you with a few last images of life we’ve enjoyed together. Hope your day is filled with joys familiar and joys anew. Happy Birthday, Sweet Girl.[Learning to make biscuits with Memaw – my Mom, the master cook]
God put me in the middle of boys with a mom who loved us completely and a father of whom I have little memory. His relationship with us was not one of outright abuse but neglect and eventual abandonment. When I was five, my exhausted mom divorced this never-working man. She would later explain that action as simply “just one less mouth to feed”. She soon after came back to faith in Christ and brought us with her (unchurched until then). Our dad had long since disappeared from our lives.
Fast forward to the present: married to a man who deeply loves the Lord and loves us well also. We have three adult children and two added by marriage, and now four precious grandchildren.
All our parents (including a beloved step-dad) are gone except for Dave’s exquisite praying mom.
Sandwiched between adult kids and older parents is where we are, and I’m grateful. In fact, I think about our kids and their littles (and some of you) now in this same season, just a different generation.
The room is delightfully crowded (not without challenge) with multiple generations – each bringing extended families of their own. So many faces and so many voices.
Every family member (and each of us in that family) has great value to God. His desire for us is to bear the fruit of His love (Galatians 5:22-23) – making it beautifully tangible to others. He is with us in this.
What if our parents made life hard for us either by trauma or, as adults, by intrusion or neglect? Or what if we find ourselves in awkward places in our adult children’s lives? These “what if’s” make us want to pull ourselves out of obedience to God, as we feel justified by our pain to distance ourselves from some in our family. The ripple effect of pulling away is wide-reaching in a family. Wider than we can imagine.
Even when relationships are healthy, the heavy responsibility of parenting young children puts its strain on our precious adult children. We feel the pull – torn between kiddos and our olders or others (sibling families, too). We also model for next generations what family looks like. How we handle the hard is quite probably how they will handle the hard.
We all choose, consciously or not, from among four ways to engage with or disengage from our families.
Embrace. We can trust God with the families He has given us. We can love them well. We forgive and seek forgiveness. We spend time with each other and attune to how God sees them. We who share adult space try to find the balance of loving each other well without our own preferences getting in the way. The older ones will only be with us for a moment. They have stories and history and lives that matter. Our younger ones also grow up and have their own families and life pressures. We extend ourselves in both directions – up and down.
Debase/Disgrace. Sometimes members of our family wrong us or another beloved family member. We “triangle” talking about them with others, without them being present. Their behavior may warrant our disdain. We are tempted to debase them privately or disgrace them publicly. However, God is not finished with them or they wouldn’t still be here. Wisdom is to take our sorrows to God and appeal for Him to help us love these hard-to-love ones. He is able. It helps to remember we may also be the ones not so easy to love. [I forget that sometimes.]
Replace. We are tempted to completely replace hard family members with friends. Adult friendships are such a gift from God. They fill in empty places in our hearts. They can actually help empower us to love and live like Jesus with these family members. Or they can usurp their place in our lives. Friends, help bolster our resolve, as we choose to “stay in the room” with family members. Let’s be that one who is not going anywhere – that picture of Christ for these.
Give Grace. This is similar to “Embrace” but with God-guided boundaries in place. The Word is full of instruction, like Colossians 3:12-14. Living between olders and youngers, I want to be that one who gives grace both ways. Speaking love often and always. Not judging or applying pressure. We can choose to honor one another, which, in turn, honors God. Giving grace includes giving grace to ourselves.
[One last pic – my mom, our youngest son, and me sandwiched between them & behind the camera – wishing I could roll back the years to when she was still here. Embrace & give grace. The years rush by.]
