What does the mommy say to the little one, screaming, angry tears, head flung back, and arms swinging?
“Use your words.”
Great counsel for all ages.
Words are not always easy to come by. In fact, they can become all jumbled in response to the large emotions that demand an answer. This is the right brain/left brain challenge. Our emotions come just ahead of our determination of what they mean…and our “putting into words” that meaning.
Reason and emotion: A Note on Plato, Darwin, and Damasio – Joachim I Krueger Ph.D.
As adults, we have also used silence in place of words, either intentionally to punish or unintentionally because we just did not know what to say.
Using our words is a healthy habit in relationships because it forces us to think through our emotions and process how they apply to any action we take in dealing with them. For example, someone significant to me says I hurt them or didn’t value their effort. I can respond in so many ways. Yet, what if I decided to “take the criticism” as a gift (this is graduate level relationship stuff) and use it to enhance my understanding of that significant other? What if I determined then to hear their pain or disappointment as true? It was definitely true for them.
Is it possible for me to humble myself and first respond to their hurt? Maybe seeking more clarification as to just what happened? Even if it means I sort out my part in that breach between us, confess my part, and offer an apology. Possibly even some sort of restitution. Would that open a path forward? It may very well be that we didn’t intend to hurt but a sincere acknowledgement of their pain (even an apology) is exactly what is needed for the moment.
Whew! A lot to process. If you’re still with me…
Use your words. What matters more than being right? Being in relationship…in community.
Author, pastor Scott Sauls wrote a beautiful endorsement of the book Humility: The Joy of Self-Forgetfulness by Gavin Ortlund.
““Saint Augustine once counseled that the top three virtues of Christianity are ‘Humility, humility, and humility.’ One suspects he said this because when humility is intact, all other fruit of the Spirit fall into place. What Gavin Ortlund has given us in this wonderful book is not only a description of humility but also a pathway that makes the reader desire more of it, for the smaller we become in our own eyes, the bigger Christ becomes to us. I can’t recommend this book highly enough.” – Scott Sauls
Below are 10 practices that Dr. Ortlund presents as means to both grow and express humility in our relationships. In his book, you’ll find commentary on how to work these out in our lives – helping us to use our words well]:
- Work at listening.
- Practice gratitude.
- Learn from criticism.
- Cultivate the enjoyment of life.
- Embrace weakness.
- Laugh at yourself.
- Visit a cemetery.
- Study the universe.
- Meditate on heavenly worship.
- Bathe everything else in humility. – Gavin Ortlund, Humility: The Joy of Self-Forgetfulness
These 10 practices are far from a trite handling of relationship woes. This is the foundation of using our words well.
Words can injure or heal. We all know this. If we want some sort of vindication or revenge, maybe using our words needs schooling. Silence isn’t the answer…it can last far too long. Too long.
If we truly want to restore a relationship or mend a fence with another, taking steps toward that person with true humility and a sincere desire to understand is where we start.
Coming to terms with our own story helps us use our words for healing. Perspective can lessen the sting from painful encounters. When we do the work of sorting out our own emotions related to conflict, then we can hear the other without triggering our own emotions from the past.
In Tyler Staton‘s book, Praying Like Monks, Living Like Fools, he talks about the role of confession in relationship building and rebuilding. Taking responsibility for our part in the conflict, saying it out loud, and asking forgiveness. When we keep silent or we don’t use our words in positive ways, we hide ourselves from the very exposure and vulnerability that confession frees us from. Again, this requires enormous humility…or, at the very least, a willingness to humble ourselves.
Confession is “to excavate down into the layers of your own life, uncovering not just what’s obvious on the surface but the layers of personal history underneath that continue to inform your present.” – Tyler Staton, Praying Like Monks, Living Like Fools
None of this is for the frail of heart…we can keep hiding behind pride, entitlement, hurt, and offense. Our various screens (social media, computers, phones, TVs) have taken our voice. We have, too often, become spectators of relationships, rather than deep in the beauty of being known by and truly knowing the people across the room from us.
Put your phone down, and use your words. Or…pick up that phone, and make the call…begin the process of reconnecting…which could lead to healing.
What are you waiting for?
Good word here – no pun intended ? The maturity to receive criticism graciously and allow it to effect change in our lives and relationships is definitely a graduate level relationship skill – something we should all be working toward though!
Yep…true. If we fall into thinking we don’t deserve criticism…like ever…we lose the humility to hear that “good word” from others. I see you working on those graduate studies, Love. Thanks for commenting.
I tell people I have the “gift of gab.” Is that “using your words” ? 😉 Seriously I do like to talk with people learning their stories. Each person has one. It just takes a little time to hear. My husband used to tell me when we went to the grocery store, “I’ll get the groceries. You talk to the people.”!
I also like to write and have written two books on our years in Saudi Arabia. You could write several books yourself! Marge
I would love to write books. Not sure if it’s my attention issues or that I just don’t have enough words, but books are a great comfort to me. Anyway, you definitely have the gift of encouragement which comes with both words and listening ears. So sorry that your husband is no longer by your side at the grocery store, because those around you still need you to talk to them…love them. God will make a way. I sure am encouraged by you always, Marge.