American Independence Day (4th of July) commemorates our declaration of freedom (July 4, 1776) from the rule of Britain. We declared our own freedom. On July 4, we celebrate the freedom we continue to have as Americans because of the many wars fought to hold onto or to obtain freedom.
How much more transforming when the Lord Himself declares us free!
Some time ago, we were in Dave’s family’s home church – Grace Church in Seaford, Delaware. One of their pastors was teaching a sermon series on Avoiding Colossal Mistakes. That Sunday’s sermon centered on the cross of Christ (podcast here).
During the worship service before the sermon, this lyric really penetrated my heart:
“You gave Your life To give me mine You say that I am free.”
When you were dead in trespasses and in the uncircumcision of your flesh, he made you alive with him and forgave us all our trespasses. He erased the certificate of debt, with its obligations, that was against us and opposed to us, and has taken it away by nailing it to the cross. – Colossians 2:13-14
As we celebrate our Independence Day, we have a far greater celebration in the cross of Christ. Apart from receiving His death for our sin, His righteousness for our own unrighteousness, we would be dead in our sins today. Still in bondage, enslaved.
We, in the US, have a dark history of slavery. No matter how deeply we are grieved by it, the stain of that great sin is forever a part of our nation’s fabric. Try as we may, we cannot wash that stain out.
Those who lived as slaves in this country, like those who are enslaved today through human trafficking, did not bring their bondage on themselves. It was/is a wrong done to them.
Many anti-trafficking organizations have a key strategy:
Reach, Rescue, & Restore
This is exactly what Jesus has done for us. In our sinful state, He reached out to us. He rescued us through the cross, and He restored us to Himself.
As we think about the freedom we have in Christ and the freedom we have as Americans, I pray we don’t forget our own bondage, or that of others – spiritual bondage, and for some…the physical bondage of being trafficked, forced into slavery even today.
I am guilty Ashamed of what I’ve done, what I’ve become These hands are dirty I dare not lift them up to the Holy one
You plead my cause You right my wrongs You break my chains You overcome You gave Your life To give me mine You say that I am free How can it be How can it be
I’ve been hiding Afraid I’ve let You down, inside I doubt That You could love me But in Your eyes there’s only grace now
You plead my cause You right my wrongs You break my chains You overcome You gave Your life To give me mine You say that I am free How can it be How can it be
Though I fall, You can make me new From this death I will rise with You Oh the grace reaching out for me How can it be How can it be
You plead my cause You right my wrongs You break my chains You overcome You gave Your life To give me mine You say that I am free How can it be How can it be*
He himself [Jesus Christ] is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours, but also for those of the whole world.– 1 John 2:2
So then, just as you have received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, being rooted and built up in him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, and overflowing with gratitude. – Colossians 2:6-7
Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one...praying at all times. – Ephesians 6:11-16, 18
He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress; My God, in Him I will trust.” …His truth shall be your shield and buckler…Because you have made the Lord, who is my refuge, even the Most High, your dwelling place, no evil shall befall you…for He shall give His angels charge over you, to keep you in all your ways. “Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him; I will set him on high, because he has known My name. He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him and honor him.” – Psalm 91:1-2, 4b, 9-11, 14-15
From the Creation story to present day, we are confronted by lies. Through the world’s influence, in our own fallen flesh, and from Satan and his emissaries. Maybe we don’t think much about it, because lies just become part of our worldview if we aren’t on guard. Weighing truth against what seems true or what might be true. Just yesterday, my son told me about his 8 y/o’s troubling thought that he didn’t really love God. What I know of the Holy Spirit, that thought did not come from Him. Satan is the father of lies and the accuser of believers. My son was able to comfort our grandson with the truth, both about God and how this precious child’s thoughts can wrongly condemn him. The talk about our enemy, the Devil, will come later.
Much is written about spiritual warfare, and too often, it is as if it’s us, rather me, against Satan. God is our victor. The battle is truly His, and Satan is no match for the Creator. The Scripture is full of encouragements for us to be strong and courageous, to stand against our enemies, and to trust the Lord. The battle does not depend on our winning, it is God’s to win. However, God calls us to plant our feet on the truth of who He is, who we are, and what He intends for our lives (John Mark Comer, Live No Lies).
In recent days, I’ve been digging into John Mark Comer‘s and Henri Nouwen‘s writings. “Beloved” is a small volume calling us to recognize our identity in Christ and to draw near to Him in prayer, away from what we think is the busyness of a significant life. Comer’s book’s Live No Lies is a substantial and serious read on recognizing and resisting the same temptations Jesus endured in the wilderness, at the beginning of His public ministry. Both authors refer to this experience as common to all of us.
“Jesus had three temptations in the desert [Matthew 4:1-11]: to be relevant – turning stones into bread; to be popular – jumping from the tower and have angels catch Him; to have power to possess all the land. Jesus refused all that because He didn’t have to prove to anybody that He was loveable. He was already the beloved. That’s precisely what the Spirit revealed to Him after He was baptised in the Jordan. The voice came and said, ‘You are My beloved son, on You My favour rests’. That’s who you are; you are the beloved, so you don’t have to be busy proving it. You don’t have to run around. Immediately, that same Spirit who revealed to Him that He was the beloved sent Him into the desert to be tested….Solitude is listening to the voice who calls you the beloved. It is being alone with the One who says, ‘You are My beloved, I want to be with you’...Solitude is the place where we go in order to hear the truth about ourselves. – Henri Nouwen, “Beloved”
“The devil’s goal is to first isolate us, then implant in our minds deceitful ideas that play to our disordered desires, which we feel comfortable with because they are normalized by the status quo of our society. Specifically, he lies about who God is, who we are, and what the good life is, with an aim to undermine our trust in God’s love and wisdom. His intent is to get us to seize autonomy from God and redefine good and evil for ourselves, thereby leading to the ruin of our souls and society.” – John Mark Comer, Live No Lies: Recognize and Resist the Three Enemies That Sabotage Your Peace
We are probably all familiar with Jesus’ 40 days in the wilderness and Satan’s tempting Him. The Evil One has not changed his ways of beguiling since the beginning, when he similarly tempted Eve to distrust God. Ours is to follow and practice the way Jesus dealt with lies and with the accuser. With quiet prayer (in solitude), with seeking the truth (Scripture), with fasting. And in community. Satan attacks most when we are isolated from God and one another.
With the Spirit of God ruling in our hearts and lives, we need never fear. The battle is real, but God is present with us. We stand in His strength. Although our enemies are real and the world seems hostile to us, we have a greater Overcomer.
Singer/songwriter David Crowder tells this story in his rocking anthem Unstoppable. It puts in perspective that our God is invincible, and because we are in Him, we have the confidence and privilege of tasting His victory. Hallelujah!
Devil’s playing fiddle Demons coming like a missile To my left, to my right But I ain’t be dancing with ’em I got angels watching over me Fighting all my enemies Wear ’em out, knock ’em down ‘Bout to taste that victory
Hey, hey They can try to slow me Thinking that they own me They be thinking crazy Hey Welcome to the showdown They about to find out
When I got You, I am unstoppable When I got You, nothing’s impossible No way I lose, I am unbeatable, powerful Stronger than invincible I feel bulletproof when I got You When I got You
See these arrows in my quiver Winner, winner, chicken dinner If I’m bitten by the serpent He’ll be sucking out the venom I got someone watching over me Fighting all my enemies See that smile on my face ‘Bout to taste that victory
Hey, hey They can try to slow me Thinking that they own me They be thinking crazy Hey Welcome to the showdown They about to find out A-a-amen
When I got You, I am unstoppable When I got You, nothing’s impossible No way I lose, I am unbeatable, powerful Stronger than invincible I feel bulletproof when I got You When I got You
When I got You When I got You
That’s my dad, I’m His son He’s gonna make that Devil run That’s my dad, that’s my dad That’s my dad, I’m His son Watch him make that Devil run That’s my dad, that’s my dad
That’s my dad, and I’m His son He’s gonna make that Devil run That’s my dad, that’s my dad That’s my dad, I’m His son He’s gonna make that Devil run That’s my dad, yeah, that’s my dad
When I got You, I am unstoppable When I got You When I got You, nothing’s impossible When I got You No way I lose, I am unbeatable, powerful No way I lose Stronger than invincible I feel bulletproof when I got You When I got You
We all have our favorite artists, creators, personalities. This guy is at the top of my list. Forget that I’m his mom. If you’re like me, you go after details about a person’s life who you respect or who intrigues you – with his or her talent, worldview, or way of life. We search out and devour details of celebrity lives. I’m not saying that’s a healthy thing, especially if taken too far. It can, however, just be for fun. Like yesterday, I was at a baby girl shower for a friend who’s a great fan of Taylor Swift’s. She received the usual great essentials for the baby coming in a few weeks, and she also received some sweet surprises. Like 3 copies of the Taylor Swift Little Golden Book – one for home, one for the car, and one to keep for when Baby Girl becomes a fan.
I used to feature Nathan’s latest arrangements/originals on my Friday Faves blogs. As much as I loved writing those, these days they are rare, with life pouring into other things. That’s one of the reasons I decided to take this Monday for a reflection on this favorite artist of mine. Not to give you those personal details (deep sigh of relief from Nathan, I’m sure)…but to point to where you can find more of the person behind the guitar.
Just this weekend, a vlog, featuring Beyond the Guitar, was posted by guitarist Josh Garofolo. He is an excellent musician himself, self-taught, and you can give a listen to him on his YouTube channel. What he brings uniquely for folks like us fascinated by favorite artists is a podcast where he does walk-arounds with guitarists, in their towns and studios. He did a couple of those with Nathan, here and here. Josh asks great questions and, given they are both musicians, his own passion for music and life makes an easy stage for Nathan to share deeply about the things that matter to him. Guitar, business, family, teaching, mindset, and way more.
I watched both conversations with Josh and Nathan…like a total fan. Because I am. Even as close as we are, it’s a pleasure to be “in the room” with an artist talking about how he got where he is, and what he’s learned along the way. Not just about the craft but about life. This artist happens to be one of our kids, but he has his own large life to balance. One sweet gift he gave us recently (especially his dad) was to arrange and perform one of our favorite songs which we knew would be just amazing with him playing. Here it is:
I know you get me on discovering something about the heart of an artist – if you really love Taylor Swift, for instance, you want to know her heart. Or maybe, like sports fans, the numbers are enough. I still don’t understand how my husband, and other guys like him, can pull forward the most obscure (or seemingly obscure) stats on athletes and teams. My friends from the baby shower yesterday can happily talk on and on about Taylor Swift because she is, after all, a rock star. I get it!
For me, it’s Nathan Mills… Now if you want to hear about our other two great kids, I can help you out with that as well. For more on Beyond the Guitar: “subscribe, like, and comment”. Not here but on his channels.
Let everything that has breath praise the LORD. Praise the LORD! – Psalm 150:6
Rejoice in the LORD, O righteous ones; it is fitting for the upright to praise Him. – Psalm 33:1
The Lord is faithful to all His words and merciful toward all He has made. The Lord lifts up all who fall, and He supports all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look eagerly to You, and You give them their food at the proper time. He opens his hand, and He satisfies the desire of every living thing. The Lord is righteous in all His ways and merciful toward all that He has made. The Lord is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth. He grants the desire of those who fear Him. He hears their cry and saves them. The Lord watches over all who love Him, but He will destroy all the wicked. My mouth will speak the praise of the Lord. Let all flesh bless his holy name forever and ever. – Psalm 145:13-21
Then I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and on the sea, and all that is in them saying, “To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be praise and honor and glory and power, for ever and ever!” – Revelation 5:13
Praise is a completely natural response to both the character of God and His marvelous works.
On a phone call earlier today, my mom-in-law was going down her prayer list, asking me the status of different ones for whom she has been praying. Over and over, she would say, “Answered prayer!” It was true. As we pause our lives and consider God, we can take hope, even rejoice, in all that He is doing in our lives and around us. This world feels broken, but He isn’t finished…not nearly so.
We may all have different ways we praise God and different preferences as to the setting of praise. In the expansive out of doors or inside in a “quiet time” chair. In the living room of a house church or a huge worship space. Alone or with others.
The point is that we keep praise a priority in our daily lives. Even in valley experiences or a season of suffering, when we look for it, we will find reason upon reason to praise the Lord. A dear friend of mine finishes her cancer treatment this week. We are praising God for how He walked with her through this time such that she made it through a hard regimen and will ring the bell on Friday to celebrate the last day of treatment. We are also praising God as another friend is getting prepared to start cancer treatment; her cancer was found before she started having symptoms. We are trusting God for good outcomes for both. Praise. Praise. Praise. He is worthy.
Several months ago, I went with a friend to a concert that turned out to be so much more than just great music. It was church. Worship with a few hundred folks we didn’t know but shared a love for Jesus that would bring us to our feet, hands in the air, singing along with singer/songwriter Brandon Lake.
There is something about Brandon Lake that reminds me of King David in 2 Samuel 6:14-22 when he was dancing in the streets at the return of the Ark of the Lord. He could not contain his joy and had no care for what others might have thought of him. Praising God, dancing before Him, taking great comfort in this moment of feeling God’s pleasure and provision.
God is worthy of praise, with complete abandon, our minds riveted on Him, both alone and in the company of the saints.
Worship with me…and Brandon. Stand on up. You will be in good company. Sometimes you’ve gotta dance through the darkness Sing through the fire, praise when it don’t make sense Sometimes you’ve gotta stare down the giant Worship from the lion’s den
Sometimes you’ve gotta shout it from the mountain Louder in the valley, trusting that He’s gonna get you there Sometimes you’ve gotta welcome the wonder Wait for the answer, worship with your hands in the air I’ll praise You anywhеre
Praise, give Him praisе, give Him praise in the highest Praise, give Him praise, give Him praise in the highest He is worthy, yes, He is worthy of all of the praise
Sometimes you’ve gotta praise in the prison Cry out to heaven, shout it ’til the doors swing wide Sometimes you’ve gotta stand on your shackles Brave in the battle, worship with your hands held high I’ll praise You anywhere
Praise, give Him praise, give Him praise in the highest Praise, give Him praise, give Him praise in the highest He is worthy, yes, He is worthy of all of the Praise, give Him praise, give Him praise in the highest Praise, give Him praise, give Him praise in the highest He is worthy, yes, He is worthy of all of the praise
Faithful all my life, blessings day and night Countless reasons why I’ll praise You anywhere Every promise kept, goodness every step Each and every breath, I’ll praise You anywhere Faithful all my life, blessings day and night Countless reasons why I’ll praise You anywhere Every promise kept, goodness every step Each and every breath, I’ll praise You anywhere
Praise, give Him praise, give Him praise in the highest Praise, give Him praise, give Him praise in the highest He is worthy, yes, He is worthy of all of the praise
Oh, I’ll praise you anywhere Oh, mountain or valley, I know that You’re with me there I’ll praise You anywhere*
We’re not done! Years ago, when we lived overseas, in Cairo, Egypt, we would attend a monthly praise event called “The Cutting Edge” at Maadi Community Church. Our kids were young and just cutting their teeth on corporate worship. Those evenings, in the cool of hot days, we gathered in the courtyard of this international church and sang together – with other believers from many nations, all having different worship styles and preferences. It didn’t matter. What a grace to focus on Jesus and sing our hearts out!
One more song on this Worship Wednesday – “Praise” with Brandon Lake, Chris Brown & Chandler Moore. Somehow I had missed this song until a few days ago…we have so many reasons to praise the Lord. Let’s get after it!
Let’s go, 1, 2, hey Let everything that has breath Praise the Lord (You got it), praise the Lord Let everything, let everything that has breath Praise the Lord, praise the Lord (Let everything) Let everything (Hey) that has breath (Hey)
[Verse 1: Brandon Lake] I’ll praise in the valley, praise on the mountain (Yeah) I’ll praise when I’m sure, praise when I’m doubting I’ll praise when outnumbered, praise when surrounded ‘Cause praise is the waters my enemies drown in
[Chorus: Brandon Lake & Chandler Moore, Both] As long as I’m breathing I’ve got a reason to Praise the Lord, oh my soul Praise the Lord, oh my soul
[Verse 2: Chris Brown & Chandler Moore] I’ll praise when I feel it, and I’ll praise when I don’t (Yeah) I’ll praise ’cause I know You’re still in control ‘Cause my praise is a weapon, it’s more than a sound (More than a sound) Oh, my praise is the shout that brings Jericho down (Yeah)
[Chorus: Brandon Lake & Chandler Moore, Both] As long as I’m breathing I’ve got a reason to Praise the Lord (C’mon), oh my soul Praise the Lord, oh my soul I won’t be quiet, my God is alive How could I keep it inside? (I gotta) Praise the Lord, oh my soul (Yeah, praise the Lord)
[Interlude: Brandon Lake] C’mon let me see a dance, put a dance on it tonight (Yeah) If you’re grateful, c’mon Hey, hey, yeah
[Bridge: Brandon Lake & Chris Brown] I’ll praise ’cause You’re sovereign, praise ’cause You reign Praise ’cause You rose and defeated the grave I’ll praise ’cause You’re faithful, praise ’cause You’re true Praise ’cause there’s nobody greater than You I’ll praise ’cause You’re sovereign, praise ’cause You reign (You reign) Praise ’cause You rose and defeated the grave I’ll praise ’cause You’re faithful, praise ’cause You’re true Praise ’cause there’s nobody greater than You
[Chorus: Chris Brown, Brandon Lake & Chandler Moore, All] Praise the Lord, oh my soul (C’mon, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon) (I gotta) Praise the Lord, oh my soul (Praise the Lord, oh my soul) Praise the Lord, oh my soul Praise the Lord, oh my soul I won’t be quiet, my God is alive How could I keep it inside? (How could I) I won’t be quiet, my God is alive How could I keep it inside? (I won’t keep quiet) I won’t be quiet, my God is alive How could I keep it inside? (I gotta) Praise the Lord, oh my soul
[Outro: Chandler Moore] Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump Let everything that has breath Praise the Lord (Hey, hey), praise the Lord Let everything, let everything that has breath (C’mon, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon) Praise the Lord (C’mon, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon) Praise the Lord (C’mon, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon) (Let everything), Let everything that has breath Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, praise the Lord (Let everything), Let everything that has breath (Praise the Lord) Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, praise the Lord**
Ah…contempt. It is defined as a strong negative emotion that joins disgust and disrespect. We have all experienced contempt, either for someone else, or a group of someones…or the contempt of another towards us.
Contempt is a harsh response…a cold killer of hearts and relationships.
It became more real than ever when I experienced it myself recently. Not toward me personally maybe but because of an association/affiliation I have that is viewed by some as contemptible. When we express contempt, it is usually in conversation with those who agree with us. Rarely do we have the person(s) toward which we feel contempt in front of us. We don’t engage them as much as we complain about them. We hold some in contempt because of their beliefs or actions, and our temptation is to have nothing to do with them. We may view this as a strength, but (as I’ve heard said), “an unguarded strength is a double weakness.”
“Knowing our weakness, dividing leaders on both the left and right seek power and fame by setting American against American, brother against brother, compatriot against compatriot. These leaders assert that we must choose sides, then argue that the other side is wicked—not worthy of any consideration—rather than challenging them to listen to others with kindness and respect. They foster a culture of contempt.” – Arthur C. Brooks, Love Your Enemies: How Decent People Can Save Our Country From the Culture of Contempt
Contempt is something I’d like to annihilate in my own thinking, and thankfully there are helps. Below you will find two thought leaders who have worked to expose contempt for what it truly is and does to us, and who have given us counsel on how to recognize it and rid ourselves of it. Author and academician Arthur Brooks and clinical psychologist John Gottman.
How do we confront contempt?
Arthur Brooks’5 Rules to Counter Contempt
1. Refuse to be used by the powerful. – “The accurate image of a powerful manipulator is someone on your side of the debate: a media figure who always affirms your views, a politician who always says what you think, or a professor who never challenges your biases. They declare the other side is terrible, irredeemable, unintelligent or anything else that expresses contempt — and they say you should think these things as well.” Brooks encourages us to tune out that person “on our side” who seeks to manipulate us, whatever the reason. Then (this is the harder part), we are to call out contemptuous behavior among those with whom we agree (our friends and maybe family). Contempt tears us down, and we don’t want that for ourselves or those we love.
2. Escape your bubble. – “The culture of contempt is sustained by polarization and separation. It is easy to express contempt for those with whom we disagree when we view them as “them” or never see them at all. Contempt is much harder to express when we see one another as fellow human beings, as “us.”” We do well to make opportunities to share space and conversation with people not like us. Seek to understand and look for ways we are alike.
3. Treat others with love and respect, even when it’s difficult. – “Never treat others with contempt, even if you believe they deserve it. First, your contempt makes persuasion impossible, because no one has ever been insulted into agreement. Second, you may be wrong to assume that certain people are beyond reason. There are many examples of people forming unlikely bonds precisely because they didn’t treat each other with contempt.” Sometimes we are the ones toward which contempt is aimed. If we have offended, then we can apologize. Raising an issue higher than the value of the person doesn’t take us anywhere positive.
4. Be part of a healthy competition of ideas. – “I believe disagreement is good because competition is good. As in politics and economics, competition — bounded by rule of law and morality — brings excellence. In the world of ideas, competition is called “disagreement.” Disagreement helps us innovate, improve, correct and find the truth. Of course, disagreement — like free markets and free elections — requires proper behavior to function.” The goal is not to disagree less but to disagree better, notes Brooks.
5. Disconnect from unproductive debates. – “Get rid of curated social media feeds. Unfollow public figures who foment contempt. Want to get really radical? Stop talking and thinking about politics for a little while. Do a politics cleanse. For two weeks — maybe during your next vacation — resolve not to read, watch or listen to anything about politics. Don’t discuss politics with anyone. This will be hard to do but not impossible.” This exercise will reveal how much of your life and mental energy is wasted, allowing you to refocus on people you truly love and work/play that matter more than those things you probably won’t be able to change. – Arthur Brooks, Sick of the Culture of Contempt? Here are 5 Ways You Can Subvert It
Another exceptional thinker and clinician is Dr. John Gottman, psychologist and professor. His focus is primarily on marriages and individual mental health within relationships. The Four Horsemen is a metaphor pointing toward end-times. Dr. Gottman uses the same metaphor in describing four elements of communication, any one of which can predict the demise of a marriage (or any other relationship). These elements are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Each has an antidote.
Contempt is much more mean-spirited than criticism. It communicates a measure of cold superiority over the one being criticized. Gottman isn’t talking about a political stand or a point of contention over culture or morality. He is concentrating on the relationship between two people, usually being a married couple.
“Contempt, simply put, says, “I’m better than you. And you are lesser than me.” [It] is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about one’s partner, and it arises in the form of an attack on someone’s sense of self. Inevitably, contempt leads to more conflict—particularly dangerous and destructive forms of conflict—rather than to reconciliation. It’s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message that you’re disgusted with them and that you’re condescending and acting as their superior.”
Gottman prescribes two antidotes for contempt in the marriage relationship – one short-term and the other more long-term:
First, the person feeling contempt toward the other would do well to name the emotions that rise to the top during a conflict. Express these emotions to your spouse without blaming, and appeal for help with a solution. “I am sad that we don’t have friends over. Could we talk about a way forward on this?” Or “I get worried when the bills pile up. Can we talk about what we can do to stay within budget?”
Second, Gottman suggests establishing (or re-building) a home culture of fondness and admiration for each other. This is a discipline that may take some strong determination, but it is doable. In fact, I have go-to Bible verses (Revelation 2:4-5) that help me immensely during those dry times in my own marriage. It speaks about what to do when we have lost our first love (for God and each other). Essentially, the instruction is to remember how it was in the beginning, repent/return, and repeat the actions/emotions/intentions that came naturally when the relationship was new. We don’t have to feel the fondness or admiration at first, but as we practice them, they can be restored. Among many tools, Dr. Gottman uses the instrument below to kick-start the process as the spouse chooses three descriptors and then gives examples of those to the other person.
Contempt is deceptive. It feels so good to think we are right, and yet in the practice of contempt, we become more isolated and less engaged in real community. Only preferring people who think like we do. At some point, our competencies will be impacted because our problem-solving shrinks down to just judging others and determining they aren’t worth our time. We miss learning from them, and we miss the possibility of genuinely understanding them, even loving them.
Having faced contempt myself in the last week, It has brought me to a “come to Jesus” moment. I don’t want to hold contempt for anyone, no matter how different they are, no matter what wrongs they have done. I want to figure out how to stay engaged with people…such that “if [I] can’t move mountains, [maybe I can] move a stone”.*
We all have fathers – whether very present, present but distant, or long-time absent. Some of you may be fathers. Some of you may have wanted to be fathers but are not able to be…for whatever reasons.
This day of commemoration usually means a good meal and some sort of gifting or pampering for you dads. For all of you, with or without children, you can be influencers…and we need you. My biological father was absent long before my parents divorced.
Thankfully I have had a rich heritage of good fathers through the rest of my life – my step-dad, brothers, uncles, husband, father-in-law, son/son-in-law, brother-in-law, nephews, and loving, empowering male friends and colleagues. Most of these good fathers in my life were spiritual fathers…but fathers nonetheless.
The father of my own children used to travel with his work. He and I had a parting ritual. He runs through the “in case something happens” list [let me know if you want particulars of that – it is helpful to know]. Then, we did sort of a “Thanks for marrying me” farewell…and finally that wonderful, “If I don’t see you here, I’ll see you THERE.” When this man wasn’t present with us, he still was.
Fathering, like mothering, is not an easy job. So much dying to self. So much responsibility. What a delight for us when the men in our lives take fathering on their shoulders as they might a sleeping child. Surrendering themselves to the serving of those younger than them. I thank God for men who humble themselves in prayer for their children and who go to work every day to support their families. Working, studying, and life-long learning passed on to their children and others.
Photo Credit: Calvin & Hobbs from the blog of Kenneth Reeds
These dads are too-often taken for granted in the shadow of fathering that falls short. The absent, neglectful and downright abusive fathers cut wounds so deep that decent fathers are sometimes judged by the same measure. We watch for “the sins of the fathers to be revisited on their children” (Numbers 14:18).
Today, let’s reflect on the good fathers. Those who were present at our births, or those who came later in life to us, or those who father us out of their own great hearts. Imperfect, sure. All of us are. Yet, there are those men who go many more than second miles for us, and we are grateful. – Deb Mills
…and finally let’s live in hope that those fathers who struggle to be present or loving may one day gather themselves together, awaken to what was left behind, and reach out to the treasures they missed along the way…and may they find us within reach.
“As to my children, you are now to be left fatherless, which I hope will be an inducement to you all to seek a Father who will never fail you.” – Jonathan Edwards, his last words to his children, as he lay dying
Do you not know? Have you not heard?… He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth…. He stretches out the heavens like a canopy…. Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these?…. Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. – Isaiah 40:21-22,26,28
Thus says the LORD, “I made the earth and created man on it: it was my hands that stretched out the heavens, and I commanded all their host”…This is what the Lord says—He who created the heavens, He is God; He who fashioned and made the earth, He founded it; He did not create it to be empty, but formed it to be inhabited—He says: “I am the Lord, and there is no other.” – Isaiah 45:12,18
When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, the moon and the stars, which You have set in place, what is man that You are mindful of him, and the son of man that You care for him? You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned him with glory and honor. – Psalm 8:3-5
Wherever your thoughts are taking you right now…open the door, first chance you get, and walk outside. The world is so much larger than we are. Take it in. The sights, the sounds. Breathe in. From the expansive heavens above us to the packed earth under our feet. Teeming with life we can’t even see but must appreciate. This world…was made for us…and we were made for God and each other.
A dear friend of mine is going through cancer treatment. It is the hard, “going for cure” kind of treatment. Every day, my friend faces new struggle, and yet she remembers God, her Maker. Even in her searching, she always lands here…God is good; He loves her and He will make a way for her.
When we are in the throes of struggle whatever the situation may be, we may question the goodness of God. Even when He told us to expect trouble, we think it will land somewhere else. In John 16:33, Jesus told his disciples, on the night before he died, “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
Jesus had to take courage Himself that night – wrestling with the will of God. Yet, as He prayed, His peace was restored. He remembered the goodness of His Father. He knew a battle for our souls was in front of Him, and He faced it triumphantly.
This beautiful God – the Maker of this universe and the Lover of our souls – is the focus of singer, songwriter Chris August‘s anthem. If your circumstances have hit hard, and you are struggling with seeing God as Victor in your life, I pray you let the words of this song wash over you. You are so loved…and will be forever. Take heart, Dear One. He is faithful.
I see You in the sunrise I see You in the rain I see You in the laughter I feel You through the pain.
Everything that You have made is beautiful Oh, my God, I can’t believe my eyes But in all of this to think that You Would think of me Makes my heart come alive.
Your love is like a mighty fire Deep inside my bones I feel like I could climb a thousand mountains All at once And I never have to wonder If somebody cares for me I love the Maker And the Maker loves me.
I see You You are creation I see the grandness of Your majesty The universe is singing all Your glory I can’t believe You live inside of me.
Everything that You have made is beautiful Oh, my God, I can’t believe my eyes But in all of this to think that You would think of me Makes my heart come alive.
Your love is like a mighty fire Deep inside my bones I feel like I could climb a thousand mountains All at once And I never have to wonder If somebody cares for me I love the Maker And the Maker loves me.
More than just some words upon a page You’ve shown me in a million ways But there is one that stands above them all Hands of creation on a cross.
Your love is like a mighty fire Deep inside my bones I feel like I could climb a thousand mountains All at once And I never have to wonder If somebody cares for me I love the Maker And the Maker loves me.*
“Even in your old age I AM he, and to gray hairs I will carry you. I have made, and I will bear; I will carry and I will save.” – Isaiah 46:4
What can we learn about leadership from a priest? A priest who spent his potentially most influential years as pastor of L’Arche – a community for mentally handicapped persons? What? Plenty!
Henri J. M. Nouwen was a renowned scholar, writer, professor, and a Dutch Catholic priest. He taught for many years at such prestigious universities as Notre Dame, Yale, and Harvard. His writings were prolific and his personality was winsome.
Whether you are Christian or not, you will profit from the tiny book (81 pages) he wrote on leadership – “In the Name of Jesus: Reflections on Christian Leadership”. I read this book yesterday afternoon and was spellbound by his wisdom. Having read many texts on leadership over the years, both secular and Christian, I was captivated by Nouwen’s take on leadership…and his willingness to confront the pitfalls that can occur along the way. In a clear and succinct way, he exposed the temptations we have in leading others and the way we can extinguish them through applying certain disciplines or habits.
Nouwen points out three temptations leaders are apt to succumb to, and then he offers three disciplines to counter (and gain freedom from) them. Christian readers, you will appreciate his direction. He refers to Scripture for his teaching – two passages in particular: 1) Jesus’ questioning a repentant Peter after he had denied the Lord three times (John 21:15-19), and 2) the temptations of Jesus in the wilderness (Luke 4:1-13). I will list the temptations below and examples from my own life where they crept in:
To Be Relevant – In recent years this has actually been a longing of mine, before the Lord. After retiring from a full and satisfying ministry life, with all our children grown and on their own, my days got very quiet. I didn’t know what to do with them. The calls to join this team or lead that work just didn’t come in. Somehow I had made relevance an idol. Thankfully God was working away at that temptation in my life. He is still at work, because I still struggle…but not like before. Earlier today, I was sitting in the waiting room while an Afghan grandmother in my care was having dental work done. It’s been my least favorite activity on the refugee resettlement team of our church. The appointments are three hours long (for the dental students’ learning), and even with books, phone, and hallways to do steps, I bristled at times at the servitude of this activity. After reading Nouwen’s book, he pointed the way to resist. Contemplative prayer is the answer. Recognizing that I don’t need to be going here or there because it is I who am needed in those situations. To use the time of seeming irrelevance to participate in a grander work than I could have ever imagined. To simply be, humbled and grateful, with God, and to have a quiet many would love to know. To remember that the work, whatever it is, came from Him to begin with. I don’t own work, or ministry, or service of any kind. It is an opportunity to show up for a greater good, in a quieter state, where I am surrendered, making myself available, to love others more than myself – “in the name of Jesus”.
“I’m telling you all this because I am deeply convinced that the Christian leader of the future is called to be completely irrelevant and to stand in this world with nothing to offer but his or her own vulnerable self. That is the way Jesus came to reveal God’s love…God loves us not because of what we do or accomplish, but because God has created and redeemed us in love and has chosen us to proclaim that love as the true source of all human life.” – Henri Nouwen
2. To Be Popular (Spectacular even) – What a temptation this is. It is stealthy. We sometimes aren’t even aware that we experience it. Until we are. Sigh… Leadership lends itself to singular popularity (even in situations where people love to hate you…it’s still a superlative position of a sort). When we rise through the ranks, through experience mixed with education, it can be a very individualistic journey. “Lonely at the top”. However, there is a head trip attached where we become prone to thinking that we are the ones to call, or to consult, or to give opinion, or have the last decision. This temptation to want to be “the one” is fortunately tempered by doing work/life/church in community. By taking someone along. By sharing decision-making. By including those most affected in the conversation. Making room around the table. Nouwen, in regards to this temptation, calls the reader to Confession and Forgiveness. When is the last time you heard a leader confess a weakness or struggle? When did she or he ask forgiveness for a decision that turned out poorly or for a moral failure exposed? Being willing to remove the cape of the hero, and step off the pedestal, takes a humility that allows for, mutual confession and forgiveness within the larger community.
3. To Be Powerful – What a temptation!! To believe that we could actually have power over other people’s lives. To be in a position of making sweeping decisions with little restraint. To be surrounded by those who (dealing with their own temptations) would go along with the decisions out of their own need for popularity and power. It’s messed-up. In fact, what we think is our leading is really being led (by our own preferences, or the pressures of that vaunted position). What’s the solution? Now, each of these temptations so far has had a spiritual response – prayer, confession and forgiveness. What is the way forward when power has taken the driver’s seat? Theological Reflection. Nouwen is NOT talking about the answers that may be debated in the seminary classroom. It goes far deeper…to actually look for the truth in the background…and seeking to act on what is true…not for the sake of relevance or popularity or to hold onto power.
“Christian leaders have the arduous task of responding to personal struggles, family conflicts, national calamities, and international tensions with an articulate faith in God’s real presence. They have to say ‘no’ to every form of fatalism, defeatism, accidentalism or incidentalism which make people believe that statistics are telling us the truth. They have to say ‘no’ to every form of despair in which human life is seen as a pure matter of good or bad luck. They have to say ‘no’ to sentimental attempts to make people develop a spirit of resignation or stoic indifference in the face of the unavoidability of pain, suffering, and death…Theological reflection is reflecting on the painful and joyful realities of every day with the mind of Jesus and thereby raising human consciousness to the knowledge of God’s gentle guidance.” – Henri Nouwen
Henri Nouwen left the lofty academic environment to join in community with those who would not incline to be impressed with his credentials. Yet, in the setting of L’Arche, Nouwen dug deep into how to lead in gentler and more loving ways, with the example of the life of Jesus, and the nearness of God and community.
The beauty of his life laid down has given me pause to look differently at leadership and the possibility of being led…by a God who loves us first, in servant mode, in community with others…in the name of Jesus.
This has been days in the writing. When I saw the quote below just scrolling through Instagram, it stopped me in my tracks. Withholding (as defined here) goes way past “not knowing what to say” or “placing boundaries” or any measure of shyness or introversion. Withholding is actually an act of aggression…a display of power. One in which any of us can find ourselves if we don’t practicing checking our hearts or intentions regarding certain people or situations.
My Mom was the most significant influence in my life growing up. Now, I didn’t have the vocabulary for a lot of what she taught me, in word and deed, until recent years. Much of what she modeled came through her love of Scripture. She wasn’t a practicing Christian in my early childhood, but still she had made some decisions as a young person (while churched or otherwise influenced) that she practiced throughout her life. She became more mature and even more compassionate in these rules of life as she patterned her life more and more like Jesus.
I said all this to say that she was the opposite of a withholding sort of person. Even as an introvert.
Maybe growing up in a home with an alcoholic father and a timid mother influenced her willingness to show up for people – her brothers, her friends, her children, and strangers she met day-to-day. She did not withhold herself from others – all sorts of others – and it made for a beautiful life. This from a woman who worked full-time, raised four kids, and dealt with a cancer that would take her life too soon. Well, it didn’t take her life. Her life was finished at 75 to the glory of God. Even in her last hours and experiencing pain and increasing weakness, she was encouraging all of us around her. She even woke up from a coma that had silenced her to say “I love you” in response to one of her little grandchildren’s goodbyes to her.
This woman. Now you can understand why this issue of withholding feels so wrong to me. I understand people needing boundaries in toxic relationships, however, the practice of withholding can take boundaries up several notches. This probably isn’t a winsome topic because we don’t think what we’re doing is mean-spirited…it’s just because we are busy, or shy, or can’t do one more thing, or (fill in the reason).
Withholding can have different faces depending on what our intent or inclination is. It can be withholding of:
We have all experienced withholding – either as the one holding out on others or the one experiencing that neglect (whether intended personally or just in the wake of not being chosen for any of the above).
What do we do with this issue? If you’re reading this, you are already on the path to solutions. Those who don’t read this sort of piece don’t see this as a problem. Certainly, none of us are necessarily entitled to whatever is sensed as being withheld. However, if we don’t want to be on the giving end of withholding, we can note it and practice the opposite – a humility, intentionality, watchfulness, and graciousness can move us toward an openness and willingness to be there, even when others are not.
Parenting is a long season where withholding can become a habit – when we as parents get exasperated with our children’s choices and when we are shaken in our sense of who we are and how we’re doing. An example is well-communicated below by Youth Dynamics of Montana. If we have struggled with parenting or have been harmed by our own parents’ withholding, our temptation is to extend that same experience back, over time, either with our kids or our parents.
For me, it’s a daily battle to be like my Mom, but one I want to come out winning, or at least fighting. To be that person who works to catch the eye of people, to engage and encourage, to be courteous and deferent, to include, to give where there is opportunity, to serve when I know I can, to share information that would help, to let people in and to show up for others. All of this models good for our children and is a blessing to those around us. Choosing not to withhold myself, my people, and my resources by tightly circling the wagons.
There’s a great call to action by the Prophet Isaiah on what can happen (if I could interject) when we don’t withhold. When we show up, God shows up in exponentially greater ways. Is that your experience?
Strengthen the weak hands, and make firm the feeble knees. Say to those who have an anxious heart, “Be strong; fear not! Behold, your God will come with vengeance, with the recompense of God. He will come and save you.”
Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened, and the ears of the deaf unstopped; then shall the lame man leap like a deer, and the tongue of the mute sing for joy. For waters break forth in the wilderness, and streams in the desert… – Isaiah 35:3-6
10 years writing this blog. I started 10 years ago this very month. The reason, in particular, was because I felt my memory clouding some, and there were memories and counsel I wanted to make sure were left for my children. As writing does, the blog cut its course through many topics – God, life, marriage, parenting, beauty, friendship, work, meaning, purpose, and reflections of all sorts. Now 10 years out, my memory is still hanging in there, and for that I’m thankful. Also for the having of words to share with those I love.
Our friend Clyde Meador started a blog himself 3 years ago this month. He may have had similar hopes – to leave something for his children and for the sake of a greater work.
Leadership was a topic that I studied for years (posting in my Monday Morning Moment). I learned so much from great leaders in my life, as well as some leaders who could have used some mentoring by our friend Clyde. That may not have been kind, but good leaders matter – in our lives and in the futures of organizations.
In the first year of Clyde’s blog, he wrote a series of posts entitled 6 Sacrifices of Leadership. The topics were:
Loss of Constant Firsthand Involvement
Too Much Negative Knowledge
Constant Criticism
Leaving
Sacrifice, Isolation, Ostracism
Impact on Family Ties Due to Travel and Workload
Take the time to study those posts to learn from Clyde. In a recent tribute to him, a friend and colleague, Charles Clark wrote a brief summary of Clyde’s six sacrifices, their dangers and rewards. You find them in the image below:
In April 2024, Clyde Meador, this wise, humble, and insightful leader friend of ours, died, at 70 years of age. Complications of a long battle with cancer. He leaves a big hole, for his family, but also for the many people who have known him and loved him through the years. However, he would say something along the lines of God doesn’t leave holes.
We all have stories with Clyde in them – his lessons on life and leading. His legacy is that he never wavered in his faith walk, his love for his family, or his determination to do excellence in the work God had given him. He and Elaine have been a picture of constancy in our lives. Leading and loving.
In July of 2023, life and cancer treatment got in the way of Clyde continuing his blog. What turned out to be his last blog is so appropriate and beautiful. “To Those Who Come After Us”. Here are the last paragraphs.
“I will sing of the steadfast love of the Lord, forever; with my mouth I will make known your faithfulness to all generations.” (Psalm 89:1, ESV) “We will not hide them from their children, but tell to the coming generation the glorious deeds of the Lord, and His might, and the wonders that He has done.” (Psalm 78:4, ESV) This commitment of faithful followers of the Lord must be our commitment, also.
“So even to old age and gray hairs, O God, do not forsake me, until I proclaim your might to another generation, your power to all those to come.” (Psalm 71:18, ESV) I am grateful that I have reached old age and gray hair, and pray that I will faithfully do all I can to communicate the truth of the Gospel to those who come after me.
Of all those things which we teach our children and those who come after them, nothing is more important, more urgent than the truth of the Gospel. I have a less-than-perfect record of success in this endeavor, yet I seek to faithfully persist in sharing the Truth. I challenge each of us to a major focus on sharing all we know about our Lord and Savior with the next generations! – Clyde Meador, To Those Who Come After Us
[Dave & Clyde, a few weeks before Clyde went to be with the Lord. So grateful. What a humble and wise mentor he was to so many.]
