Tag Archives: narcissism

5 Friday Faves – Theme from Howl’s Moving Castle, Fathers, Best Bits of the Republican National Convention, Dealing with a Narcissistic Boss, and the Late Summer Garden

Hello, Weekend! Here are some of this week’s favorite finds. Enjoy!

1) Theme from Howl’s Moving Castle – When a theme for a movie goes beyond the scope of the film’s story, it’s intriguing and all the more beautiful. The Merry-Go-Round of Life” was composed by Joe Hisaishi as part of the score for the film Howl’s Moving Castle. Classical guitarist Nathan Mills (Beyond the Guitar) has winsomely arranged this piece for guitar.

I’m not a musician nor have I ever been a fan of instrumental (even classical music) until Nathan began playing. His music has given all who know (or have discovered) him. Even within his preferred genre (arranging covers of movie, TV, and video game themes), he has opened up musical worlds that I might never have discovered.

This piece exactly does that. This lovely theme from a Japanese animated film would have been lost to me except for Nathan’s music.

His podcast, in its own right, does the same thing – drawing our attention to pop and arts culture and what we can learn both for disciplines in life and musicianship, as well as the joy in the journey.

The Free Solo Mindset – Lessons Guitarists Can Learn From Elite Rock Climbers – Beyond the Guitar Podcast

2) Fathers – Fathers are a great benefit to children. We all celebrate our mothers and their role in nurturing us through our growing up years. Fathers, too, make a huge difference. For whatever reasons they are absent, hopefully we look to men in our extended family or friend group, or teachers, neighbors, and city leaders.

Today is the 57th anniversary of the March on Washington when Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. delivered his famous I Have a Dream speech.  Photo Credit: Flickr, March on Washington, August 28, 1963

Dr. King was the father of four. He died too young (from an assassin’s bullet at the age of 39). His children were still very young, but they have the legacy of his public life and whatever private lessons he taught his children. We have all certainly learned from him. His speech on this day 57 years ago resonates today.

“Let us not wallow in the valley of despair, I say to you today, my friends.

And so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: ‘We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.’

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today!” – Martin Luther King, Jr., August 28, 1963

This week I discovered two other fathers expressing excellent, somewhat counter-cultural counsel to the younger people in their lives and in our country.

One is a Tennessee resident and representative in his state legislature – John Deberry, Jr. A recent speech he made was highlighted by thought leader Coleman Hughes. You can watch it below.

YouTube Video – Rep. John DeBerry

His bold and straight talk had a cost for him, but he would not stand down from the imperative to speak for the sake of those he represented.

The last father I’d like to feature here is Dr. Glenn Loury. He is a Brown University professor in social studies and economics. His commentary on the YouTube channel Blogging Heads has really opened up my thinking on many varied topics. He talks on a recent podcast about the issue of race and agency (how we make decisions and take personal action). This part of his talk begins at 42 minutes.

His “father talk” emphasizes taking up our own battles, not depending on another group of people for our future (equality), push ourselves toward success, avoid victimhood, get an education and needed training, take care of our families.

“Take responsibility for your life. No one is coming to save you. It’s not anybody else’s job to raise your children…Take responsibility for your life. It’s not fair…Life is full of tragedy and atrocity and barbarity…it’s not fair, but it’s the way of the world…Equality of dignity, equality of standing and respect, equality of feeling secure in your position in society, equality of being able to command the respect of others…something you have to wrest with hard work, with your bare hands. You have to make yourself equal. No one can make you equal.” – Dr. Glenn Loury

We depend on our fathers to tell us the hard things…but the true things. Our fathers, like our mothers but different, can empower us to know our value and our possibilities.

African-American Family Structure

3) Best Bits of the Republican National Convention – Okay, so I watched both the Democratic National Convention (last week) and the Republican National Convention (this week). I wish, from the beginning, that I had jotted down the speakers that were especially gripping. Only recorded some of this week’s favorites. Most of them were not even on the published schedule. Sweet surprises. So forgive the candidate endorsement or laments if you can…just enjoy some of their stories. Both conventions showcased the lives of many Black Americans. In these days, it was a step toward healing.

Photo Credit: Flickr

  • Herschel Walker – retired NFL football player, from my home state of Georgia, 37 years of friendship with Donald Trump
  • Daniel Cameron – first African-American attorney general of the state of Kentucky
  • Senator Tim Scott – U.S. senator from South Carolina. His grandfather died in his 90s and Senator Scott said, “from cotton to Congress in one lifetime”.  That’s his story.
  • Rep. Vernon Jones – state representative in Georgia. Right-leaning Democrat
  • Andrew Pollock – father of Parkland High School shooting victim, Meadow. He is an activist for school safety. A School Safety Commission was appointed after this school shooting.
  • Maximo Alvarez – (CEO, Sunshine Gasoline Distributors). Immigrant from Cuba. He loves America. As he watches the rioting, he said, “I hear echoes of the former life that I never wanted to hear again”.
  • Jon Ponder – former felon and founder of the re-entry program “Hope for Prisoners”
  • Jack Brewer – former NFL football player, founder of Black Voices for Trump
  • Clarence Henderson – civil rights activist; president of the North Carolina chapter of the Frederick Douglass Foundation
  • Ja’Ron Smith – assistant to the President and advisor on domestic policy
  • Sean Reyes – attorney general, Utah
  • Ann Dorn – widow of Capt. David Dorn, retired police captain, killed in St. Louis riots
  • Carl and Marsha Mueller – parents of daughter Kayla, kidnapped and killed by ISIS in 2015
  • Alice Marie Johnson – first-time non-violent offender sentenced to life in prison plus 25 years. Received clemency after 22 years by President Trump

Again, these were from the Republican National Convention. Just a few voices on the side of one political party. It was odd that many of their brushes with the current President’s administration were unknown to me.

There were inspiring speakers at both conventions. Who were some of your favorites at DNC or RNC?

Takeaways From the Democratic National Convention – Caroline Linton, Kathryn Watson, Grace Segers

4) Handling a Narcissistic Boss – Volumes have been written on narcissism. One definition that fits here is: selfishness, involving a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration, as characterizing a personality type.

Leadership consultant Lolly Daskal gives a 10-point list of actions to help us work effectively with narcissistic bosses. I’m just posting the points but her commentary on each is definitely worth your read.

  1. Understand the source.
  2. Respond, don’t react.
  3. Set clear boundaries.
  4. Don’t allow them to get under your skin.
  5. Don’t feed the beast.
  6. Don’t empower those who don’t deserve it.
  7. Fact check everything.
  8. Don’t argue. 
  9. Don’t be provoked.
  10. Stay focused on what’s important. 

Read the rest of Daskal’s article. Narcissistic people can be in positions of authority and influence. Knowing how to “get along” can mean the difference in impact, work gains, and quality of life. It’s worth the effort…if this is your situation.

5) Late Summer Garden – My husband’s garden is winding down for the summer…and it is still beautiful and fruitful. Here’s a look-see:[Three goldfinches feeding on seeds, I’m supposing, on this little petunia plant.]

Plants for Feeding Birds – Marie Iannotti

Hope you have a peace-filled weekend. Hope also you find grace for the losses of this week, with shootings, violence in the streets, and hurricanes. Trying times, but we are not alone in them.

Bonuses:

A dear friend, Barb Suiter, has published her first book – out this week – Whispers on the Journey – A Practical Guide using the ABCs in Prayer and Praise. Check it out.

If you can keep your head when all about you
    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
    But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
    Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
    And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise…

“If” – Rudyard Kipling

These Small Acts Of Kindness Made The World A Better Place

How Long Does it Take to Build Muscle? – Amanda Capritto

[An image of moms and children gathered for a playdate. I miss those pre-COVID days – a good memory and one we’ll make again.]

Loneliness During Pandemic Can Lead to Memory Loss – Christina Ianzito

Photo Credit: Richmond Justice Initiative, Facebook

Pal Barger, the founder of Pal’s Sudden Service, had his 90th birthday this past week. Best birthday cake ever for this dear man.

Photo Credit: Helen Elizabeth Phillips, Facebook

Monday Morning Moment – Thriving Under a Narcissistic Boss and a Not-so-random Inspiring Other Story

If you can spell narcissism, then you have made a study of it somewhere along the way. Possibly trying to figure out how to work successfully with a narcissistic colleague or boss…

[Hard topic for a Monday morning but you will have a sweet story at the end.]

Many years ago, in nursing school, the term narcissistic personality disorder came to my awareness during our coursework on mental health. It is defined as “a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.”

Someone can be narcissistic in temperament and behavior without having a full-on personality disorder.

10 Signs Your Boss or Manager Is a Narcissist – Preston Ni

The experience of having a narcissistic boss or coworker is not mine personally. In fact, this dark topic isn’t one I’d prefer to cover…except for an interesting happenstance this past week. So…here we go.

One favorite podcaster you have seen referenced here in the past is Carey Nieuwhof. Last week he published a leadership podcast which showcased a conversation he had with Erwin McManus.

Carey Nieuwhof Leadership Podcast 212: Erwin McManus on How to Spot a Narcissist in Leadership, Overcoming the Need for Approval, and What He Experienced at the Global Leadership Summit 2018

McManus (starting at minute 35 in the podcast) talks about the high incidence of narcissism in top-tier leaders (CEOs, etc). His focus is on megachurch pastors and the battle against pride. His observations were spot-on in many ways. “Humility is best-expressed in a willingness to decentralize power. The more decisions you make, the less humble you are. You can never know you are humble; you can know if you do humble things.”

In Nieuwhof’s shownotes, he highlighted these points by McManus:

A Narcissist has:

A high need for praise because the world needs to be about him.

A view that there is no one in the world who can do something better than she can.

A Narcissist doesn’t:

Ask for help because he doesn’t believe anyone else could ever solve a problem that he can’t solve.

Take risks because if she fails it will completely violate her identity.

Accept responsibility for failure, because in his mind the failure was someone else’s fault.

McManus’ take on narcissism was so insightful, I did something rare – publishing a comment on the podcast. Somehow that comment, commending Carey for such an insightful interview on narcissism, got swallowed up in other comments on how hurtful their associations with Mr. McManus had been. Where my original comment went is a mystery, but as others commented, bouncing off my own, I was drawn into their pain.

Whether or not Mr. McManus struggles himself with narcissism is not the focal point here. As I listened to the podcast again, he never denies his own particular bent. I don’t know him so I can’t say. As a successful mega-church pastor, he, like others, has had his critics (covered in another Nieuwhof podcast).

What is clear, in this interview and the comments below, is the huge emotional cost to those who come under such a leader.

5 Signs You Might Be a “Christian Narcissist”

Leadership coach Lolly Daskal has written an empowering piece for those who work for a narcissistic boss. Daskal poses two options for those employees – either quit or “stay and deal”.  Here’s how to stay, in 10 points of action, according to Daskal:

  1. Understand the source – Quite probably your boss is not going to improve. You have to start with that understanding.
  2. Respond, don’t react. Don’t allow yourself to be drawn into a conflict. The narcissistic boss has skills on how to stay on top of any situation. Learn to respond in a way that “keeps you in control of options and choices. If you feel yourself reacting, step away and regain back your control.”
  3. Set clear boundaries. These are for your own benefit. They are a reminder to you of what is right and reasonable in terms of your own operations. Boundaries are essential. You set them for yourself.
  4. Don’t allow them to get under your skin. “Use emotional intelligence to manage your thoughts and actions…remember that any cruel behavior and words reflect badly on the narcissist, not you.”
  5. Don’t feed the beast. “The more you feed the bad behavior the worse it will become. Narcissists surround themselves with only two types of people: those who enable them and those who bite their tongue. Anyone who doesn’t fit into one of these two categories will certainly be fired or banished.”
  6. Don’t empower those who don’t deserve it. “Refuse to follow those you don’t admire, those you don’t trust, and those who lie. Just do your job to the best of your ability and with respect, honor and integrity.”
  7. Fact check everything. Wisdom is to always confirm the facts… especially as far as your work and your work relationships are concerned. No matter what your boss tells you about a situation or a coworker or other work team, as much as you can, be sure you have the facts…before you go too far in your own assessment or putting together a solution.
  8. Don’t argue. The last thing you want to do is argue with a narcissist, because everything you say and do will be held against you. Don’t argue or engage but instead make them invisible–the last thing a narcissist wants.”
  9. Don’t be provoked. Keep your cool. Stay calm.
  10. Stay focused on what’s important. “Working with a narcissist boss means a constant pull to play by their rules and for everything to revolve around them, with no accountability or responsibility when things go wrong. It’s easy to feel angry and frustrated. That’s when you have to take a step back and reconnect with your purpose in being there.” – Lolly Daskal

A Mild Case of Narcissism? – Dana Robert Hicks

As a writer, topics can almost force themselves to be written. I wrestled with this one because maybe it isn’t relevant to most of you….which would be a very good thing. Unfortunately, this topic wouldn’t let go. Then last night, I came across a piece written sometime ago by Joni Eareckson Tada, an advocate worldwide for persons with disabilities. At 17, she became a quadriplegic after a diving accident. That was over 50 years ago.Photo Credit: CBN News

This incredibly gifted and giving woman is the epitome of a person without a bent toward narcissism. She ever points to God and others … empowers others…gives others a voice. She has an accurate understanding of herself, honest about her strengths, weaknesses, and limits. She is diligent and determined to have a positive impact on the lives of those around her.*

[*See article by Carey Nieuwhof below.]

If you’re struggling with figuring out how to thrive under a narcissistic boss, either get out or figure it out. Lolly Daskal’s advice and that of others can help…as well as the refreshing stories of folks like Joni. The light of a life well-lived, no matter the circumstance, can break through any dark place we find ourselves. We can all aim for a life well-lived whatever our work situation, for sure.

Postscript:

“If I were to nail down suffering’s main purpose, I’d say it’s the textbook that teaches me who I really am.” – Joni Eareckson Tada

Whatever our struggle with a difficult boss, we can take that struggle and let it shine a light on our own issues; our own bent and character. If you feel blocked at work somehow, you can respond in bitterness or betterment. You can take heart that learning what being blocked does to your heart and mindset moves you to an understanding of how to grow in ways that no one can block.

Reflections on the 50th Anniversary of My Diving AccidentJoni Eareckson Tada

Joni Eareckson Tada

Joni and Friends

Joni’s Favorite Quotes on Suffering (We would do well to make copies of these and put them at eye-level at our work stations. Perspective.)

What Self-Aware Leaders Know that Others Don’t – Carey Nieuwhof

5 Friday Faves – Replacing Your To-Do List, Unsung Heroes, Legacy, Gaslighting, and Emotional Intelligence in Conflict

Here’s to another Friday. As the heat of summer fades slowly into the cooler shorter days of fall, at least some of us welcome the change. This, like so many weeks, has had its unexpected joys and challenges. I so appreciate the wisdom, helps, and encouragements that lift and help us to stay in our lanes.

Below you’ll find my 5 Friday Faves for this week plus as many bonuses at the end. It was a rich week…hope yours was as well. Also, please share any of your finds in the Comments section. We all can happily learn from each other.

1) Replacing Your To-Do List – Leadership coach Tony Stubblebine has posted a brilliant piece on doing away with our to-do lists. He prescribes a problem-solver, thinker model of interstitial journaling. This makes productive use of the space between completing one project and starting the next. It entails jotting a few sentences in a journal (electronic or paper) – summarizing what we finished and jumpstarting our thinking on what is before us. This takes our to-do lists to a whole new level of getting things done.

Replace Your To-Do List With Interstitial Journaling to Increase Productivity

Photo Credit: The Inner Sage Australia

“We weren’t built for multi-tasking, so transitions between projects are very tough. We end up getting lost in procrastination. Even when we manage to transition quickly into our next project, our brain is still thinking about the last project. That means our second project suffers from partial attention. The science of multi-tasking says partial attention can mean a 40% or more reduction in cognitive performance. The Interstitial Journaling tactic solves all of these normal problems. It kills procrastination, empties our brain of the last project, and then gives us space to formulate an optimal strategy for our next project.”Tony Stubblebine

This article is hosted on Medium which offers Members Only reading (free membership) but it should allow you to read it on a first-time link click. That’s how I found Medium…and lots of helpful reading through it.

Tony Stubblebine – Productivity, Habits & Life iPhone App

2) Unsung Heroes – As I write this week’s Friday Faves, we have just finished our remembrance of the 9-11 terror attack and losses of 2001. Reading again about so many courageous victims and families, first responders and a nation in shock and grief helps in sorting out afresh what happened that day.

We don’t know what was the intended target of hijacked Flight 93 but we do know that several of the passengers heroically charged the cockpit. Among them were  Todd Beamer  and Mark Bingham. What courage!

“Let’s roll.” – The Real Story of Flight 93 – Ed Vulliamy

Another man I didn’t know about until this year was Rick Rescorla. He was the director of security for a very large company in the South Tower of the World Trade Center. After the first plane crashed in the North Tower, the building occupants were advised to stay at their desks, but he knew better. Rescorla got them all out as quickly as possible and returned to the building to make sure that everyone was out. He never got out with the collapse of the South Tower.

This running into danger instead of away is what we’ve come to expect of first responders, but we should never stop remembering them…or the cost they often pay.

3) Legacy – This week, seminary professor Chuck Lawless posted a thought-provoking piece on leaving a legacy – What Kind of Shadow Are You Leaving Behind?  He listed 14 possible “shadows” we cast for our children, colleagues, and friends. They include: Unbounded Love, Continual Selfishness, Material Idolatry, Genuine Faith, Committed Parent.Photo Credit: Pixabay

We cast shadows whether we plan them or not. They happen over time. Better for all of us to decide and intentionally establish what kind of shadow, what kind of legacy, we leave for those we love.

After you read his list, what would you add? If you comment, I’ll also share the ones that came to mind not on the list.

4) Gaslighting  – Have you ever heard this term? I had this extraordinary Aha moment this week when this term came across my Twitter feed. If you’ve had this experience you will find these definitions familiar:

“Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or members of a group, hoping to make targets question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, it attempts to destabilize the target and delegitimize the target’s belief.” – Wikipedia

“Gaslighting is a colloquial term that describes a type of psychological abuse in which the abuser denies the victim’s reality, causing him/her to question him/herself, his/her memory, or his/her perceptions. The term gaslighting is also sometimes used to apply to the use of inflammatory behavior or language that provokes someone to behave in an uncharacteristic way.” – TheGoodTherapy.org Team

Gaslighting often happens in relationships when one person uses a sometimes subtle manipulation to cause the other to think maybe she/he misunderstood or over-reacted to something the former did or said. In this unhealthy situation repeated over the course of the relationship, the one being “gaslighted” can begin to distrust her/himself and even go as far as to question their sanity.

I have had this experience and it is highly unsettling.

Think of how brutal this can be for a twosome, family, or work team.

Read psychologist Stephanie Sarkis‘ two pieces below. Very helpful.

11 Signs of Gaslighting in a Relationship

Are Gaslighters Aware of What They Do? – Stephanie Sarkis

Photo Credit: Wikipedia

You’re Not Going Crazy: 15 Signs You’re a Victim of Gaslighting – Aletheia Luna

5) Emotional Intelligence in Conflict – Even people with strong emotional intelligence can find themselves off-balance when in conflict with someone. Leadership writer Marcel Schwantes gives counsel for this in 7 Brilliant Things Emotionally Intelligent People Do When Their Buttons Are Pushed.Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons

Schwantes encourages us to respond rather than react in a conflict situation. His seven action points follow (read more of his article for his commentary on each one).

  1. Get perspective.
  2. Take a 6-second pause.
  3. Stay humble.
  4. Try empathy.
  5. Ask the most conflict-diffusing question. [“Are you ok?” What’s going on?”….what else would you think would diffuse the situation?]
  6. Speak from your authentic self.
  7. Be the first to reach out after conflict.

Don’t miss the brief video at the end of Schwantes’ piece on 3 Simple Questions to Improve Your Emotional Intelligence.

Okay, Friends…let’s have a safe weekend, enjoy the weather, and be kind to those along the way.

Bonuses – Fascinating and worthy of their own Friday Faves slot – it was a rich week of learning and savoring what others bring to the table.

You Went to a Funeral and Then You Went Home – Courtney

Ryan JonYouTube Video – I’ve Never Met My Biological Mother

A Child’s Brain Develops Faster with Exposure to Music EducationAnita Nee

YouTube Video – The Clothing Industry Wants to Make Us Shop – More Waste – Opposing Views or Opposing Views’ Facebook page

How America’s Health Care System Got So Jacked Up – and How We Can Fix It – Jonathan Clark