{"id":29904,"date":"2022-03-20T21:29:37","date_gmt":"2022-03-21T01:29:37","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/debmillswriter.com\/?p=29904"},"modified":"2024-03-18T18:15:39","modified_gmt":"2024-03-18T22:15:39","slug":"5-friday-faves-beyond-grumpiness-the-coming-of-spring-shame-as-our-personal-assistant-vulnerability-and-great-marriage-advice","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/debmillswriter.com\/?p=29904","title":{"rendered":"5 Friday Faves – Beyond Grumpiness, the Coming of Spring, Shame as Our Personal Assistant, Vulnerability, and Great Marriage Advice"},"content":{"rendered":"

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Friday Faves – Go!<\/strong><\/p>\n

1) Beyond Grumpiness –<\/strong>A friend of mine pointed this blog<\/a> to me today and it bumped its way to the top of my Faves. English professor Alan Jacobs<\/a> mused about the grumpiness of old people. I don’t know when it happens and why exactly it happens, but it is something that has happened to me of late…and I don’t think I’m old enough yet for it to happen.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Photo Credit: Stream<\/a><\/p>\n

Here’s a bit of what Dr. Jacobs says about grumpiness, but you should read his whole piece, especially if you’re finding yourself becoming grumpy (whatever age you are).
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“I think the explanation for such widespread grumpiness is fairly simple…It\u2019s not the big foul acts or horribly cruel words that do you in, it\u2019s the slow drip drip drip of little annoyances that become over time a vast sea of frustration. Surely you\u2019ve been there? You become exasperated by someone\u2019s passing comment and when they are genuinely puzzled by your anger over so trivial a matter, you try to explain (apologetically, penitently, I hope) that it wouldn\u2019t be a problem if this thing had happened once but it has happened a thousand times. It\u2019s the repetition that kills you.”<\/em> [Dr. Jacobs goes on to talk about the divisions on which we’ve taken sides give the sense of being new and revolutionary…and yet they are old divisions revisited.] “You can\u2019t learn from the past if you don\u2019t know what happened in it. So yeah, I\u2019m gradually turning into a grumpy old man. Because nobody learns anything…”<\/em> [About these things that divide us: We seem to care too much, or too little, or just plain not at all. Dr. Jacobs challenges us that only being truly loving people gives us the right to voice an opinion, and definitely not a shaming one.] “It\u2019s a hard path to walk, this Way of avoiding both indifference and ‘the conscious impotence of rage \/ At human folly.’ But the hard path is the only real Way. (All the others circle back on themselves.) So I try every day to follow it. I don\u2019t think I could manage even that if I did not have an Advocate to accompany me, to encourage me, and to guide me.” – <\/em>Alan Jacobs, Beyond Grumpiness<\/em> <\/a><\/p>\n

Against Stupidity<\/em> – Alan Jacobs<\/a><\/p>\n

The Destructive Power of Grumbling and Complaining<\/em> – Michael Brown<\/a><\/p>\n

2) The Coming of Spring –<\/strong>March weather – “In like a lion, out like a lamb”<\/em><\/a>. Of course, we’re only mid-way through March, but we have no more predictions of snow. Daffodils bloomed in snow last week, but the winds of March have blown all the rough weather away for now. I’m not rushing Spring, but it is such a beautiful and refreshing time of the year. Here are some pics of our March so far.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Photo Credit: Kathryn Visneski<\/a> (East Tennessee; we had this same snow but no captures of red cardinals in it.)<\/p>\n

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3) Shame as our Personal Assistant<\/strong> – In Dr. Curt Thompson<\/a>‘s excellent book The Soul of Shame: Retelling Stories We Believe About Ourselves<\/em><\/a>, we find the intriguing term shame assistant<\/em>.<\/p>\n

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Imagine having a personal assistant who means us only evil. Whispers in our ear of how we’re not prepared enough, not attractive enough, not smart enough…just not enough.<\/p>\n

It’s hard not to believe what seems to be coming out of our own reasoned thinking. Maybe…just maybe…we’re not enough.<\/p>\n

To defend ourselves, without consciously being aware, we armor up against those thoughts…protecting ourselves from being too exposed to others. Isolating ourselves. This hiding keeps us from community which we need the most in dealing with shame.<\/p>\n

At times, we strike out against the shame. Either by punishing ourselves or by blaming someone else for the pain we feel. Again, this further isolates us from others…leaving us alone with the shame attendant of our lives.<\/p>\n

There’s good news, though, Friend. See #4.<\/p>\n

Shame: Your Inner Attendant<\/em> – Katelyn Entz<\/a><\/p>\n

Toxic Shame Has Its Own Neurobiology. The Gospel Offers a Cure<\/em> – Werner Mischke<\/a><\/p>\n

4) Vulnerability – <\/strong>Curt Thompson spends a chapter in his book on the remedy for shame. It is vulnerability<\/strong>. How do we convince ourselves, all armored up against being exposed that the path to healing is dropping the armor? Here’s the thing: armor or no, we are vulnerable. Period. Full stop. We can’t keep shame at a distance. It crouches at our mind’s door, ready at a moment’s notice, to destroy our peace…and diminish our relationships.
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\"\"<\/a>Photo Credit: Curt Thompson MD, Instagram<\/a><\/p>\n

“To be vulnerable is not first something we choose. It is something we are.”*<\/em><\/strong> We are vulnerable. It is our state of being. We spend an enormous amount of energy protecting it. We can be free of this.<\/p>\n

*Being Known Podcast – Vulnerability<\/em> – Season 1, Episode 3<\/a><\/p>\n

You know how we teach little ones to say, “Please” and “Thank you”? These aren’t just practices of good manners. They are actually acknowledgements of our vulnerability from an early age. Little ones have to ask for what they can’t get on their own, and then they express gratitude that their need was seen and responded to.<\/p>\n

Our willingness to be openly vulnerable within community moves us toward intimacy. “Vulnerability creates opportunity for connection.”<\/em> When we don’t avail ourselves to these opportunities, we just stay in our protective armor. Opening up to a trusted friend or small group emboldens us to tell our stories and recognize that the stinging words of shame don’t belong to us. We matter. We are enough. Being able to share such things with people who will NOT leave the room gives us the courage to then be more vulnerable with others – like our boss, or professor, or estranged family member.<\/p>\n

Dr. Thompson also talks about the other side of being vulnerable – when we are the ones others are being vulnerable with. We may want to move away from the awkwardness of that kind of disclosure. Or we may want to try to fix it which early on is more to help ourselves dealing with the discomfort than the one sharing. “What they most need from us is our empathic presence…”<\/em> To lean in, to demonstrate that they are being seen, and to connect with them, and validate what they are feeling, to see them in whatever the hard is for them in being vulnerable. In the end, we may ask how we can be helpful but we don’t go right there in the immediate of their telling their story.<\/p>\n

This is vulnerability and it moves us to healing, to community, and to joy.<\/p>\n

5) Great Marriage Advice – <\/strong>Marriage…whew! Earlier in my adult life, I always cringed at the observation that marriage is work<\/em>. It didn’t look like work, and having the opportunity to share life with your special person seemed more joy than labor. Then I got married.<\/p>\n

It is joy and it is work…not in the dull, redundant sort of work we may have from time to time…but the challenging, invigorating, problem-solving, “in it to win it” kind of work.<\/p>\n

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I happened across a sweet thread on Jane Lewis’ Twitter page<\/a>. She reached out to her followers for marriage wisdom. Lots of response!<\/p>\n

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Married women, I do not care if you\u2019ve been married for six minutes or 60 years\u2026 Impart your wisdom on this thread for a future bride. \u263a\ufe0f\u2728<\/p>\n

— Jane (@janeelisabethh) March 19, 2022<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n