{"id":33819,"date":"2025-08-11T08:05:14","date_gmt":"2025-08-11T12:05:14","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/debmillswriter.com\/?p=33819"},"modified":"2025-08-11T08:05:35","modified_gmt":"2025-08-11T12:05:35","slug":"monday-morning-moment-contempt-revisited","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/debmillswriter.com\/?p=33819","title":{"rendered":"Monday Morning Moment – Contempt – Revisited"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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Photo Credit: Armstrong Economics<\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Adapted from the Archives<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

[Just a bit over a year ago, I wrote a blog entitled “Contempt \u2013 the Cold Killer of Hearts and Humanity”<\/a><\/em>. It is such a prevalent emotion\/thought process these days, I wanted to update that piece and re-post.]<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ah\u2026contempt. It is defined<\/a> as a strong negative emotion that joins disgust and disrespect. If we are honest, we have all experienced contempt, either for someone else, or a group of someones\u2026or we’ve experienced the contempt of another towards us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Contempt is a harsh response\u2026a cold killer of hearts and relationships.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

When we express contempt, it is usually in conversation with those who agree with us…about someone else. Rarely do we have the person(s) toward which we feel contempt in front of us. We don\u2019t engage them as much as we complain about them. We hold some in contempt because of their beliefs or actions, and our temptation is to have nothing to do with them. We may view this as a strength, but (as I\u2019ve heard said<\/a>), \u201can unguarded strength is a double weakness.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In a quick summary on contempt (in case you don’t want to read more in depth below), we would never think of ourselves as having contempt of another (or a group of people), but the signs are in our speech and attitudes. No matter how much we think we cover it, others can tell we lack love and respect (even exhibiting hatred). Contempt not only separates us from others but also makes it hard to reconcile. The dark thoughts of condemnation, suspicion, and mistrust are present under the surface. To remove the force of contempt, we must check our hearts. Acknowledge that any compassion we may have is conditional…we withhold love based on the other’s behavior. It is a lose-lose situation. How we can move toward actual reconciliation, or at least stepping toward a more healthy relationship is to be humble. We have a part in any contemptuous relationship. We each have a part. When we lean in, without expectation of the other person, and show curiosity as to how they are, we give grace. We make space for that person to lean in, as well. Refusing to think ill of another person, no matter what happened in the past, opens the door to genuine caring. It can be the start of healing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Guarding Against Contempt <\/em>– Bible Hub<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

What Does the Bible Say About Contempt?<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

What follows comes from my blog of a year ago. It speaks volumes on how to avoid contempt in two main areas: politics and marriage. However, the counsel given could be applied broadly to families, neighbors, coworkers, etc. There is wisdom here…in any situation where we feel the cold, hate-birthing emotion of contempt…which does harm to our relationships and our own heart.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cKnowing our weakness, dividing leaders on both the left and right seek power and fame by setting American against American, brother against brother, compatriot against compatriot. These leaders assert that we must choose sides, then argue that the other side is wicked\u2014not worthy of any consideration\u2014rather than challenging them to listen to others with kindness and respect. They foster a culture of contempt.\u201d <\/em>\u2013 Arthur C. Brooks, Love Your Enemies<\/em><\/a>: How Decent People Can Save Our Country From the Culture of Contempt<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Contempt is something I\u2019d like to annihilate in my own thinking, and thankfully there are helps. Below you will find two thought leaders who have worked to expose contempt for what it truly is and does to us, and who have given us counsel on how to recognize it and rid ourselves of it. Author and academician Arthur Brooks<\/a> and clinical psychologist John Gottman<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How do we confront contempt?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Arthur Brooks\u2019<\/strong> 5 Rules to Counter Contempt<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. Refuse to be used by the powerful.<\/strong> \u2013 \u201cThe accurate image of a powerful manipulator is someone on your side of the debate: a media figure who always affirms your views, a politician who always says what you think, or a professor who never challenges your biases. They declare the other side is terrible, irredeemable, unintelligent or anything else that expresses contempt \u2014 and they say you should think these things as well.\u201d<\/em> Brooks encourages us to tune out that person \u201con our side\u201d who seeks to manipulate us, whatever the reason. Then (this is the harder part), we are to call out contemptuous behavior among those with whom we agree (our friends and maybe family). Contempt tears us down, and we don\u2019t want that for ourselves or those we love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. Escape your bubble.<\/strong> \u2013 \u201cThe culture of contempt is sustained by polarization and separation. It is easy to express contempt for those with whom we disagree when we view them as \u201cthem\u201d or never see them at all. Contempt is much harder to express when we see one another as fellow human beings, as \u201cus.\u201d\u201d<\/em> We do well to make opportunities to share space and conversation with people not like us. Seek to understand and look for ways we are alike.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. Treat others with love and respect, even when it\u2019s difficult.<\/strong> \u2013 \u201cNever treat others with contempt, even if you believe they deserve it. First, your contempt makes persuasion impossible, because no one has ever been insulted into agreement. Second, you may be wrong to assume that certain people are beyond reason. There are many examples of people forming unlikely bonds precisely because they didn\u2019t treat each other with contempt.\u201d<\/em> Sometimes we are the ones toward which contempt is aimed. If we have offended, then we can apologize. Raising an issue higher than the value of the person doesn\u2019t take us anywhere positive.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

4. Be part of a healthy competition of ideas.<\/strong> \u2013 \u201cI believe disagreement is good because competition is good. As in politics and economics, competition \u2014 bounded by rule of law and morality \u2014 brings excellence. In the world of ideas, competition is called \u201cdisagreement.\u201d Disagreement helps us innovate, improve, correct and find the truth. Of course, disagreement \u2014 like free markets and free elections \u2014 requires proper behavior to function.\u201d<\/em> The goal is not to disagree less but to disagree better, notes Brooks.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

5. Disconnect from unproductive debates.<\/strong> \u2013 \u201cGet rid of curated social media feeds. Unfollow public figures who foment contempt. Want to get really radical? Stop talking and thinking about politics for a little while. Do a politics cleanse. For two weeks \u2014 maybe during your next vacation \u2014 resolve not to read, watch or listen to anything about politics. Don\u2019t discuss politics with anyone. This will be hard to do but not impossible.\u201d<\/em> This exercise will reveal how much of your life and mental energy is wasted, allowing you to refocus on people you truly love and work\/play that matter more than those things you probably won\u2019t be able to change. \u2013 Arthur Brooks, Sick of the Culture of Contempt? Here are 5 Ways You Can Subvert It<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

One last quote from Albert Brooks: \u201cWe should be careful to note that love and agreement are not the same thing. There are ideas and actions that are worthy of our contempt. But while some ideas and actions are worthy of contempt, we should always remember that no person is.<\/strong>\u201d<\/em> \u2013 Defusing a Culture of Contempt: Arthur Brooks on How to \u2018Disagree Better\u2019<\/em> \u2013 Joan Frawley Desmond<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Another exceptional thinker and clinician is Dr. John Gottman<\/a>, psychologist and professor. His focus is primarily on marriages and individual mental health within relationships. The Four Horsemen<\/a><\/em> is a metaphor pointing toward end-times. Dr. Gottman uses the same metaphor in describing four elements of communication<\/a>, any one of which can predict the demise of a marriage (or any other relationship). These elements are criticism<\/a>, contempt<\/a>, defensiveness<\/a>, and stonewalling<\/a>. Each has an antidote.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Photo Credit: John Gottman, Gottman Institute, Instagram<\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling<\/em> \u2013 Ellie Lisitsa<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Contempt is much more mean-spirited than criticism. It communicates a measure of cold superiority over the one being criticized.<\/strong> Gottman isn\u2019t talking about a political stand or a point of contention over culture or morality. He is concentrating on the relationship between two people, usually being a married couple.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cContempt, simply put, says, \u201cI\u2019m better than you. And you are lesser than me.\u201d [It] is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about one\u2019s partner, and it arises in the form of an attack on someone\u2019s sense of self. <\/strong>Inevitably, contempt leads to more conflict\u2014particularly dangerous and destructive forms of conflict\u2014rather than to reconciliation.\u00a0It\u2019s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message that you\u2019re disgusted with them and that you\u2019re condescending and acting as their superior.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gottman prescribes two antidotes for contempt in the marriage relationship \u2013 one short-term and the other more long-term:<\/p>\n\n\n\n