Photo Credit: The Joy Within, Kyle Greenfield
Could I be complaining about complaining? Not at all. Having already written about it twice before (and not counting my pieces on negative thinking), why revisit it?
Here’s why.
Complaining is bad for us. It actually rewires the brain into thinking our complaints are current reality. Whatever has riled us up in the recent (or not so recent) past stirs up cortisol excretion (a stress hormone). Then as we process our complaint with a sympathetic listener, we actually then get a hit of dopamine. This positive effect of complaining is the pathway to habit. In fact, the brain will default to complaining in the future, rather than positive problem-solving or exercising gratitude for the good over the bad.
If, however, our processing a complicated or stressful situation helps us to get to a positive solution, the brain responds accordingly. This should be much more satisfying than habitual complaining which is personally depressing as well as depressing to others. There are rewards in complaining if it engenders sympathy maybe or gets us out of responsibilities, but those “rewards” turn into negatives when complaining becomes habitual and drives people away. This is not to say complaining should be silenced. We need to process hard things. The problem with complaining is when it becomes the end-goal.
The Psychological Harm of Complaining – Bence Nanay Ph.D.
It is quite sobering actually to consider all that’s written these days (see below) about the neurological changes that can come from repetitive behaviors, such as complaining. Fortunately, reversing this is possible.
High Focus Centers are treatment programs across multiple US states. Their focus is out-patient care for substance abuse and psychiatric disorders/issues. The following is a substantive excerpt from their article on the addictive nature of complaining, its physiological and relational harm, and the benefit of shifting complaining to a healthier mindset in 5 steps. 5 steps! Worth the read and your consideration, if you struggle with complaining or love someone who does.
“The purpose of the complaint often isn’t to fix anything…It’s about drawing attention—maybe to feel seen, validated or pitied. Over time, this loop of discomfort → complaint → attention can become addictive, providing a false sense of control, significance or identity…Victim mentality is a pattern of thinking where a person sees themselves as perpetually wronged by others or by life itself. They may believe they are ‘good’ or ‘right,’ and that any problem in their life is caused by other people who are ‘bad’ or ‘wrong.’..At its core, victim mentality keeps someone trapped in blame. It externalizes every challenge and prevents personal growth, because it shifts responsibility away from the self.”
“Just like substance use or compulsive behaviors, complaining can offer short-term relief. It may feel good to vent, to be validated or to be the center of concern. But over time, this habitual negativity can actually rewire the brain, reinforcing pessimism, resentment and passivity.
Photo Credit: ThinkLink
Here’s why complaining can feel addictive:
- Dopamine hits: When someone receives sympathy or attention after complaining, it can activate the brain’s reward system.
- Identity reinforcement: Constantly viewing oneself as the victim can create a strong sense of self—though unhealthy, it’s familiar and consistent.
- Avoidance of responsibility: Complaining and blaming protect someone from having to make changes, take risks or face uncomfortable truths.
- Social bonding: In some circles, shared complaining becomes a social glue—even though it reinforces negativity.
Unfortunately, these perceived ‘benefits’ come at a high cost: chronic stress, broken relationships, low self-esteem and an inability to build lasting inner peace.”
Shifting from Complaining to Empowerment
“Escaping the cycle of complaining and victimhood begins with awareness. If you find yourself constantly focused on what’s wrong—without seeking solutions—it may be time to ask: What am I hoping to gain from this?
Here are some strategies to begin shifting your mindset:
- Notice the Pattern
Start by tracking your complaints. What triggers them? Are you seeking connection, pity or a sense of righteousness?
- Ask: “Can I fix this?”
If the answer is yes, take action. If the answer is no, explore acceptance. Complaining about things you can’t or won’t change is a drain on your energy.
- Reframe, Don’t Deny
You don’t have to pretend everything is fine. But try reframing: instead of “I hate this heat,” say, “This heat is uncomfortable—maybe I’ll get a fan or find some shade.”
- Practice Gratitude
Gratitude is the antidote to victimhood. Regularly recognizing what’s going well helps train your brain to seek out the positive.
- Get Support
If complaining and blame feel like your default mode, it may be time to explore why. Often, these patterns are rooted in trauma, insecurity or learned helplessness. Working with a therapist can help uncover those roots and replace them with healthier coping tools.“
Bottom line: Complaining is bad for you and can become habitual. It can become relational second-hand smoke, harming you and those around you. Ironically, this habit can be transformed, like any other, with great positive impact on your brain. Let’s get after it!
Monday Morning Moment – Don’t Let Complaining Rewire Your Brain – Deb Mills
How Complaining Rewires Your Brain Toward Negativity – ThinkLink – Super quick read and super helpful as well!
How Complaining Rewires Your Brain – Brain Performance
Chronic Complaining: Examining Its Relationship to Mental Health
The Truth About Complaining – Kyle Greenfield
Is Complaining Good for You? Therapists Explain [The Answer Is Surprising] – Brina Patel
Complaining and Your Brain: 4 Surprising Effects
Why Complaining is Addictive – Dr. Gloria Lee
How Negative Thinking Destroys Your Relationship – Dr. Gloria Lee
Why Do I Complain So Much? Understanding the Psychology of Negativity
The Pros and Cons of Complaining – Barbara Frazier
Photo Credit: QuoteFancy