Category Archives: Critical Thinking

Worship Wednesday – Is Peace Possible? – I Heard the Bells – Casting Crowns

Photo Credit: Roseville Lutheran Church

“Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, goodwill toward men!” – Luke 2:14

For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given, and the government will be upon His shoulders. And He will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of His government and peace there will be no end. He will reign on the throne of David and over his kingdom, to establish and sustain it with justice and righteousness from that time and forevermore. The zeal of the LORD of Hosts will accomplish this.Isaiah 9:6-7

Be angry, and do not sin; ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent. Selah. Offer right sacrifices, and put your trust in the Lord. In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.Psalm 4:4-5, 8

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you. Be not like a horse or a mule, without understanding, which must be curbed with bit and bridle, or it will not stay near you. Many are the sorrows of the wicked, but steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the Lord. Be glad in the Lord, and rejoice, O righteous, and shout for joy, all you upright in heart!Psalm 32:8-11

Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”Romans 12:17-19

[From the Archives: One week ago this morning, I woke to the results of the 2024 US presidential election. Before going to bed in the early hours of today, I prayed, wanting to trust the outcome to Him. Wanting to believe Him for whatever direction our country would go. Affirming that the Scripture validates that He is sovereign, and we are in His care.]

October is near, and in our home, it begins the season of Christmas music. So many beautiful anthems to the glory of God – the month of December is not enough to listen, sing, and meditate on the message of these words written by inspired authors and composers.

As this week has unfolded around our nation, social media and news outlets are filled with a range of both shock and jubilation. Of fear and relief. We continue a nation divided…for now. May the church not be a vessel of division…but an instrument of God’s peace.

In December, 1863, American poet and scholar Henry W. Longfellow received his wounded son home from battle. It was Christmas time, and the U.S. Civil War raged on. Having already lost his wife years earlier, Longfellow nursed his son, Charley, back to health. His own thoughts, in turmoil over all that was happening around him, he poured out in the poem “Christmas Bells”.

“I Heard the Bells” – 2022 film on Longfellow’s life and circumstance of writing this poem

Longfellow clearly took comfort from God as he wrote, ending the poem with this stanza:

“God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
        The Wrong shall fail,
        The Right prevail,
    With peace on earth, good-will to men.”
*

I Heard the Bells is a Christmas carol, not a worship anthem. Yet, given the continuing wars of our day, and the politics surrounding them, we must tend the fires of our hope. God is the “lifter of our heads” (Psalm 3:3). He is the One who gives strength to our “weak hands and shaking knees” (Isaiah 35:3). He will do as He’s promised. He is faithful. When you hear the bells ring where you are in the wake of this past week, and as Christmas looms in weeks ahead, take heart in that. We must continue to pray for His peace on earth. We can be vessels of His good-will toward our neighbors, both near and far away.

Photo Credit: Ullie Kaye Poetry, Facebook

Leaning into “the right [to] prevail” is where we stand, as Christ-followers. Straight and resolute in our understanding of God’s intentions and His movement in our world. We can resist and refuse to add to the noise of hopelessness and cynicism in this world. We bend our hearts to hear the voice of God speak through the chaos…speaking the peace that only He can bring…through our Savior and Lord, Jesus Christ. We can speak that peace to our neighbor – the truth wrapped in His love.

Worship with me…

I heard the bells on Christmas day
Their old familiar carols play
And mild and sweet their songs repeat
Of peace on earth good will to men

And the bells are ringing (Peace on Earth)
Like a choir they’re singing (Peace on Earth)
In my heart I hear them
Peace on earth, good will to men

And in despair I bowed my head
There is no peace on earth I said
For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men

But the bells are ringing (Peace on Earth)
Like a choir singing (Peace on Earth)
Does anybody hear them?
Peace on earth, good will to men

Then rang the bells more loud and deep
God is not dead, nor doth He sleep (Peace on Earth, peace on Earth)
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail
With peace on earth, good will to men

Then ringing singing on its way

The world revolved from night to day
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime
Of peace on earth, good will to men

And the bells they’re ringing (Peace on Earth)
Like a choir they’re singing (Peace on Earth)
And with our hearts we’ll hear them
Peace on earth, good will to men

Do you hear the bells they’re ringing? (Peace on Earth)
The life the angels singing (Peace on Earth)
Open up your heart and hear them (Peace on Earth)
Peace on earth, good will to men

Peace on earth, Peace on earth
Peace on earth, Good will to men*

Photo Credit: Dr. Rex; Jill Jackson Miller

* Lyrics to “I Heard the Bells” – Casting Crowns

YouTube Video – Casting Crowns performing I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day

Christmas Carol Soldier – Story of Charley Appleton Longfellow & the occasion for H. W. Longfellow’s writing of the poem/lyric

The Story Behind I Heard the Bells On Christmas Day – Tom Stewart

*Longfellow’s poem Christmas Bells

YouTube Video – Let There Be Peace on Earth – Jakarta Philharmonic Children’s Choir

YouTube Video – Let There Be Peace on Earth – Vince Gill, Amy Grant, Chet Akins, & Michael McDonald 1993

Monday Morning Moment – Reflecting on Family

[Dave’s Mom, Our Adult Kids, Dave & Me – Not all the grands are on social media – but they begin the next generation of our family.]

I want to write about family…well, this family right here. In fact, I want to write a letter to them. Feel free to read along.

Dear Family,

Yesterday was a sweet time celebrating our September birthday guys – Dave & Nathan. Father & First Son. You both are so dear to all of us.

To you siblings and siblings-in-law, I love you so much. In the early years, I had this wild idea about how, while we live in the same city, we would get together weekly – like for Sunday dinner – like in the TV show Blue Bloods.

[Blue Bloods – read the short piece on how their weekly family gatherings shaped the show and character relationships.]

We don’t get together weekly, and that’s ok. When we do get together, it can be loud and opinionated, just like that TV family. However, it’s always rich – food for thought as well as body. Hope you leave each time, not just with a full tummy but, with the refreshed understanding of how much you are loved. Not just by Dad and me but by your siblings.

[I’m a faithful documenter of people and special events. Always working on their patience. It means a lot when everyone cues up and smiles, but occasionally someone doesn’t feel like it…and that’s ok.]

To our youngest: I know being the baby of the family can get old, especially when you find yourself in your mid-30s. Hopefully you know that your opinions matter to your family. We want to know what you think… always. It made me sad that you were suffering from a headache through most of the meal yesterday. Please take heart that although we all don’t always agree on everything, we are grounded in love for each other. That’s priority and it will never change. Ever. I want to thank you for loving your family, too. You don’t have to show up and yet you do. There is a measure of hard in your life, different from ours, which would be easy for you to stay focused on. It gives us immeasurable joy when you are able to shake off the hard and laugh about “the old days”, tease your siblings and absorb their ribbing, and love on your nieces and nephews. It’s also no small thing how you serve us (me) – baking and straightening.

[Lots of Sibling Love Right Here]

To the married siblings and their spouses: You have incredibly busy lives, and yet for those hours when we are together for the odd special occasion, time slows. You are present. You are engaged. You are yourselves. The flow of conversation is easy and animated. You roll with the skirmishes between little cousins and you parent them all so well. I hope you know how much you are loved. As your Dad (Dad-in-law) and I get older, we are so grateful for how you hang in there with us and each other. Family estrangement is so prevalent in our world today, but so far, we have weathered the storms. Your commitment to our family is something we do NOT take for granted.

[The Guys]

[The Big Sister & the Little Brother]

To any who are reading: all families are different. Within each family, there are tremendous differences in temperaments, preferences, and even worldview. Ruptures can happen and repair is hard to come by. Our Sunday birthday dinner reminded me of things learned over the last few years:

  • We can make a place of safety and security for those we live.
  • When we are only around people who agree with us, we experience an echo chamber of affirmation. When we experience dissonant voices from those who love us, we learn how to better love those different from us.
  • In a rowdy family discussion, we still probably agree more than we disagree. Take an inventory on that from time to time. How do we affirm each other even when we don’t agree?
  • Lead with curiosity and empathy. If contempt is stirred up, recognize it for the destroyer of relationships it is, and take steps against it (see here).
  • Remember life is messy. Family is messy. We may prefer our lives (and families) to “look” a certain way, but it’s healthier for us to be real and honest with each other. “The human mind doesn’t have the capacity to live a life so curated” (convo with friend/counselor Taryn Blocker).
  • Flexibility is a character quality we all need to navigate relationships when people are crossing our boundaries. Flexibility, humility, and forgiveness. It’s going to happen, especially in family. Respecting boundaries goes both ways and takes both self-care and other-care. Or relationships break down.
  • What else? What would you add to those list? Please share in comments.

[The original three & me]

I am very thankful for this family. With all our warts. Not unlike any other family out there. So thankful for the relationships these siblings have with each other, and for the littles with their sibling and cousin relationships. Check out these beautiful reels from Instagram on the topic.

Instagram – Siblings Are One of the Most Important Relationships You Will Ever Have

Instagram – “Who do we call when you’re not around?”…”Each other.”

Finally, I’d like to just mention psychiatrist Dr. Gabor Maté‘s opinion on how all children grow up in different families with different parents. He justifies that thinking about how we, as parents, change and evolve in our thinking on parenting, with each child, and our children are all different from each other. We may even use the same practices but our children react differently to them. The old adage” of “caught or taught” would bring meaning to this as well.

Siblings may grow up in the same house, but that doesn’t mean their childhoods were the same. Not even close.

Same parents? Nope.
Same family? Nope.
Same childhood? Absolutely not.

Parents show up differently for each child depending on the season of their life, their relationship, and even their financial situation.

It’s not about who is loved more.
It’s about how that love is expressed — and how each child experiences it.

If you’ve ever wondered why you and your siblings remember childhood so differently — this is why. – Clip from The Mel Robbins Podcast, Conversation with Dr. Gabor Maté – “Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal”

How Today’s Parents Say their Approach to Parenting Does – or Doesn’t – Match Their Own Upbringing – Pew Research – Kiley Hurst, Dana Braga, Shannon Greenwood, Chris Baronavski, & Michael Keegan

Dr. Gabor Maté Explains His ‘No Two Children HaveThe Same Parents’ Philosophy – Annie Reneau

Then, to those amazing adult children, add spouses, careers, and varied life experiences to the equation, and we continue to have the wonder of family – familiar and yet also new and changing. It makes for a fascinating Sunday dinner experience…and a lifetime of tilling the soil of a safe, secure, and hopefully sacred love for each other.

Monday Morning Moment – Don’t Let Complaining Rewire Your Brain

Photo Credit: Stream

Yesterday, I was taking a break and scrolled through Instagram until it stopped me in my tracks on how complaining can have a chronic negative impact on our health, and, in particular, on our brain. That didn’t surprise me, but I wanted to look further to test out what this influencer was reporting. You can look, too. Do an internet search on “complaining, cortisol, and the brain”. It is startling, but, again, not surprising.

Complaining is extraordinarily detrimental to brain health. In a way, it is also like “second-hand smoke” to those with whom you share it. When we complain, our brain responds by releasing cortisol. We need cortisol, the “stress” hormone, to alert us to possible danger and to stimulate an appropriate (hopefully) response to that danger. The problem with complaining is that it puts stress on a loud speaker when there was no need. Similar to how trauma rewires our brain to expect more trauma.

Why Complaining Is Bad For Your Health – Cindy Tsai, MD

Venting feels good at the moment. It releases the internal pressure that is mentally building up from negative thinking. The dilemma with venting is two-fold – 1) it cements the wiring in the brain in the direction of negative, hopeless thinking, and 2) it activates/re-activates the same process in the caring hearer. Mind you, there is a positive, healthy venting that can take place if it is focused toward hopeful problem-solving and change. This can be life-giving to both persons.

[Side note: We need each other. We were made for community. Talking something out with people who love us is hugely important. There is a difference in lament and grumbling, or complaining and and acknowledging a hard thing, seeking help for forward movement.]

Complaining Won’t Change the World, But Your Actions Can – Susanna Wu-Pong Calvert Ph.D., MAPP, RPh

As one who is getting older and feeling the memory not as sharp and the tendency toward that “cup half empty”, curmudgeonly take on things…I wonder: when and how did it start?

When does analytical become contrarian? When does hopeful turn into doubtful? When does grateful turn into grumbly?

Do we just allow ourselves to turn into different people? Or do we take steps to stay (or become) joyful, engaged, unstoppable humans? People who others love to work with, serve with, spend time with.

A little over a year ago I wrote a blog on how complaining rewires our brains. If you know complaining is a struggle, please take the time to read this one piece (linked below). We may try to eat healthy, exercise, and rest aplenty – maybe there is one more thing we should consider:

Monday Morning Moment – Complaining Rewires Your Brain – How to Curb (Maybe Not Stop) Complaining – Deb Mills

Bottom line: Practice gratitude. Pause your thought process. Resist the urge to complain, rather reframing the complaint into positive action. Surround yourself with people who don’t complain, and, even make you laugh sometimes.

______________________________________________________________________________

When you have more time or you want to consider steps toward positive brain health and a kinder, gentler handling of your life and circumstances, I have excerpted these from my other blogs on complaining and negative thinking:

  1. Complaining Exposed – [From the Archives] When it comes to complaining, we all think of someone else who does it…not us. It is an irritating habit, and it only gets worse if unchecked. Poet writer Anne Peterson talks about complaining and how it flows out of 6 heart attitudes. Complaining reveals that:
  • We feel entitled.
  • We are impatient.
  • We hold on to resentment.
  • We compare ourselves to others.
  • We don’t think life is fair.
  • We are conformed to this world/culture.

Read her article for the particulars. Be prepared to rip the Bandaid (excuses) off your complaining.

What Your Complaints Actually Reveal About Your Heart Anne Peterson

Photo Credit: Gary Vaynerchuk

Entrepreneur Gary Vaynerchuk writes about how his mom and wife seem to be incapable of complaining and it’s one of the things he loves about them: “Complaining has zero value. Looking at the negative, seeing the glass as half empty, and complaining are some of the biggest wastes of time a human being can engage in. Instead, tackle the problem head on. Assess it, see what you can do about it, and then do just that. ‘Woe is me’ is truly one of the biggest things that can stand in the way of success both professionally and personally.”

Gary Vaynerchuk

One of the Few Things I Complain About: Complaining – Gary Vaynerchuk

2. Beyond Grumpiness –[From the Archives] A friend of mine pointed this blog to me today and it bumped its way to the top of my Faves. English professor Alan Jacobs mused about the grumpiness of old people. I don’t know when it happens and why exactly it happens, but it is something that has happened to me of late…and I don’t think I’m old enough yet for it to happen.

Here’s a bit of what Dr. Jacobs says about grumpiness, but you should read his whole piece, especially if you’re finding yourself becoming grumpy (whatever age you are).

“I think the explanation for such widespread grumpiness is fairly simple…It’s not the big foul acts or horribly cruel words that do you in, it’s the slow drip drip drip of little annoyances that become over time a vast sea of frustration. Surely you’ve been there? You become exasperated by someone’s passing comment and when they are genuinely puzzled by your anger over so trivial a matter, you try to explain (apologetically, penitently, I hope) that it wouldn’t be a problem if this thing had happened once but it has happened a thousand times. It’s the repetition that kills you.” [Dr. Jacobs goes on to talk about the divisions on which we’ve taken sides give the sense of being new and revolutionary…and yet they are old divisions revisited.] “You can’t learn from the past if you don’t know what happened in it. So yeah, I’m gradually turning into a grumpy old man. Because nobody learns anything…” [About these things that divide us: We seem to care too much, or too little, or just plain not at all. Dr. Jacobs challenges us that only being truly loving people gives us the right to voice an opinion, and definitely not a shaming one.] “It’s a hard path to walk, this Way of avoiding both indifference and ‘the conscious impotence of rage at human folly.’ But the hard path is the only real Way. (All the others circle back on themselves.) So I try every day to follow it. I don’t think I could manage even that if I did not have an Advocate to accompany me, to encourage me, and to guide me.” – Alan Jacobs, Beyond Grumpiness

Against Stupidity – Alan Jacobs

The Destructive Power of Grumbling and Complaining – Michael Brown

3. Without Grumbling – [From the Archives] Which comes first – anger or grumbling? Or is it a more subtle but growing discontent? When does occasional complaining settle into a set habit of grumbling? What does grumbling communicate to our own minds and to others within hearing?

I’ve written plenty on complaining, grumbling, and negative thinking (see links below). It can absolutely change the wiring in our brains. In my younger years, I always looked for the good and the beautiful in a person/situation…and I found it. Now, as an older person, my temptation is more toward darker thinking. This is NOT where I want to stay.

Photo Credit: QuoteFancy

Below is a beautiful bit of writer Trevin Wax‘s post on grumbling and joy (it is geared toward Christians but there is wisdom for all of life here).

In Philippians 2:6–11, Paul commands the church to adopt the same mind of our risen Lord.  And his first command is, “Don’t grumble.”

“Do all things without grumbling or disputing, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world.” (Philippians 2:14–15)

Why start with grumbling? We might expect an exhortation to spiritual disciplines, or strategies for thriving as pure and faultless people in a sinful world. And yes, Paul does speak about blamelessness and purity and holding firm to the word of life (Philippians 2:16). But this purity in action is somehow connected to the first command to do everything without grumbling. Somehow, grumbling will keep us from faithfulness.

Why start here? Because Paul knows the story of Israel.

Remember the children of Israel? They chose grumbling over gratitude. Grumbling stalled their journey and led to actions that were anything but “blameless and innocent.”

Whether we are given suffering, chains, imprisonment, or worse (Hebrews 11:36–38), or whether we conquer kingdoms, stop the mouths of lions, escape the sword, and put armies to flight (Hebrews 11:33–34), we must know that only joy in and gratitude to Jesus will win the war for our culture…Yes, we may face obstacles, setbacks, and tough days ahead. But in it all, and under it all, we are also joyful. And this cheerful courage comes not from ignoring darkness or looking only for the bright side, but from believing that the Light will overcome the dark.

Do you want to shine like stars? Then do everything without grumbling.” –

Trevin Wax, Facebook, March 27, 2022

Monday Morning Moment – Life & Politics – What If We Refused to Get Angry? – Deb Mills

Monday Morning Moment – Rewiring Your Brain Toward Thinking in the Positive – Deb Mills

Monday Morning Moment – Grumpy Begets Grumpy – Understanding It, Not Reacting, and Turning It Around – Deb Mills

Monday Morning Moment – Them and Us, How Can That Be? Could Them and Us Become a We? – Deb Mills

How Changing This One Bad Habit Changed Our Home for Good – Complaining

4. Breaking Out of Negative Thinking – [From the Archives] I first wrote about negative thinking six years ago (that blog linked below). Since then we have come through COVID 2020, great racial unrest and social upheaval, contentious election cycles, ongoing wars, and a downturn in our economy. Lots to think negatively about with good reason, but if we’re not careful we will begin gearing our thinking in that direction to the detriment of our mental and relational health.

Monday Morning Moment – Rewiring Your Brain Toward Thinking in the Positive – Deb Mills

Photo Credit: Daily Health Post

The team at Daily Health Post focused on complaining as a culprit that can actually cause our brains to default to anxiety and depression. From experience, I know this is true.

They prescribe the following to flip the damaging habit of complaining:

Be grateful: Find something to be grateful for everyday. If you keep a journal, write down 3 things you are grateful for every morning and every night.

If you start to feel anxious or pessimistic, pause a minute and write them down again. If it’s too hard, write down 5 or even 10 new things you’re grateful for. By the end of the exercise, you’ll feel much happier and fulfilled.

Catch yourself: Don’t wait for your friends or family to tell you you’re complaining, pay attention to your thoughts and words.

If you’re complaining, quickly shift your energy to find solutions and lessons to be learned. Afterwards, treat yourself will a nice cup of tea for the effort!

Change your mood: If you feel overwhelmed and negative, remove yourself from whatever you’re doing and shift your state of mind. If you’re home, sit down with your favorite book and cook up a tasty treat. If you’re at work, go to the washroom or break room for a few minutes and listen your favorite song.

Breathe deeply and close your eyes, paying attention to every word. Hold onto that relaxing feeling and carry it with you throughout the day.

Practice wise effort: Wise effort is the practice of letting go of anything that doesn’t serve you. If your worry won’t improve your situation or teach you a lesson, simply let it go and move on.

This is much easier said then done, of course, but if you write it out, ask friends for advice, and take some time to think it through constructively, it really can be done.

Check out the full article below:

How Complaining Physically Rewires Your Brain to Be Anxious and Depressed

Photo Credit: Frank Sonnenberg Online

Why Your Brain is Wired for Pessimism—and What You Can Do to Fix It – Clay Skipper

There should be support groups…or maybe we start some. Peace.

Gratefully yours, Deb

5 Friday Faves – Beyond the Guitar’s “Superman”, Rachel Haack on Hope in Family Estrangement, Illuminators – How to Know a Person, 30 Habits with Massive Returns on Life, 45 Life Lessons

1) Beyond the Guitar’s “Superman” – John Murphy composed the stunning soundtrack for the 2025 big-screen edition of “Superman”. His treatment of the iconic theme (originally composed by John Williams) is absolutely gorgeous. Listen to his version of “Raising the Flag” here.

Photo Credit: YouTube

Then…sit back and listen to Nathan Mills at Beyond the Guitar perform his arrangement of this incredible theme on classical guitar. One instrument. Played with the heart and skill of a musician who does beautiful justice to a magnificent orchestral piece of work. So good!

    2) Rachel Haack on Hope in Family Estrangement – Whether we are in the midst of a family estrangement or we know someone estranged from family members, it’s safe to say that none of us are untouched by family estrangement. It seems a part, an accepted part of our culture today. I just saw the Instagram reel below on therapist Rachel Haack’s page. It gave me hope – hearing sanity in what feels like a crazy hard relational world.

    [Rachel Haack and her family – 5 girls and her husband – Facebook]

    Instagram – Reel describing Rachel Haack’s bold prescription to replace the family member descriptors of “emotionally immature, boomer, toxic, dehumanizaion” with the actions/goals of “respect, compassion, understanding, and collaboration”.

    Setting boundaries in painful relationships may feel like a necessary safety maneuver, but too often those boundaries become deadends. No way forward really and the years go by. I so appreciate Haack’s measured and gentle approach to reconciliation in difficult family situations. Below are excellent resources, including one podcast with Joshua Coleman, author of Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict.

    We’ve Been Subverted and It’s Showing Up in Our Families – Rachel Haack

    When Grandparents Get Cancelled and What to Do About It – YouTube

    Building Healthy Relationships with Adult Children – with Rachel Haack (Audio file)

    Rachel Haack on Facebook

    What’s Behind the Rise of Parent-Child Estrangement? – Podcast With Joshua Coleman

    3) lluminators – How to Know a Person – I bought this book “How to Know a Person” after reading author David Brooks‘ guest blog on Ann Voskamp‘s website (linked below).

    How to Know a Person – and See Them with Jesus’s Eyes – Ann Voskamp – Guest Contributor: David Brooks

    I’m not sure if it was after the 9/11 attacks or exactly when the cultural phenomenon began, but people seem not to look in people’s faces so much. There’s a disinterest, or lack of curiosity, or maybe even guarding. We feel it might be intrusive to ask questions, and for sure there are unhelpful questions. However, to be truly curious about someone, to want to know someone deeply, is a beautiful and honoring thing.

    Below you will find two quotes from Brooks’ book. In the blog above and the book as well, he talks about being illuminators. Shining a light on someone. Not in an negative, exposing way but in a way that draws out who they really are and how amazing they are.

    “When you’re practicing Illuminationism, you’re offering a gaze that says, “I want to get to know you and be known by you.” It’s a gaze that positively answers the question everybody is unconsciously asking themselves when they meet you: “Am I a person to you? Do you care about me? Am I a priority for you?” The answers to those questions are conveyed in your gaze before they are conveyed by your words. It’s a gaze that radiates respect. It’s a gaze that says that every person I meet is unique, unrepeatable, and, yes, superior to me in some way. Every person I meet is fascinating on some topic. If I approach you in this respectful way, I’ll know that you are not a puzzle that can be solved but a mystery that can never be gotten to the bottom of. I’ll do you the honor of suspending judgment and letting you be as you are.”How To Know a Person – The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen – David Brooks

    “The real act of, say, building a friendship or creating a community involves performing a series of small, concrete social actions well: disagreeing without poisoning the relationship; revealing vulnerability at the appropriate pace; being a good listener; knowing how to end a conversation gracefully; knowing how to ask for and offer forgiveness; knowing how to let someone down without breaking their heart; knowing how to sit with someone who is suffering; knowing how to host a gathering where everyone feels embraced; knowing how to see things from another’s point of view.”How To Know a Person – The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen – David Brooks

    Brooks talks about being a witness, about giving attention. I love that!

    He reminds me of psychiatrist Curt Thompson MD who writes and often talks about compassion and curiosity. I’ve written lots about Curt and his wisdom on mental and relational health. He, like David Brooks, encourages us to give our attention to those around us. It’s part of the beauty of life.

    How to Know a Person Quotes – David Brooks – Goodreads

    4) 30 Habits with Massive Returns in Life – I’m all about habit formation. Not saying I’m great at developing healthy habits, but I love the science of habits including New Year’s resolutions. Author Justin Whitmel Earley has written two excellent books on habit formation and a third for children (on sibling relationships) entitled The Big Mess. Earley’s websites (The Common Rule and Habits of the Household) have great free resources as well on habit formation. For today’s Friday Fave, I’m just posting this little graphic on 30 habits with big returns…how many have you already formed? It’s not a race though…choose a habit and begin there.

    Photo Credit: Nikz Bennie, Facebook

    5) 45 Life Lessons – Here is another list, not of habits but life lessons. They are written by author and cancer survivor Regina Brett of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio, and have been widely reprinted.

    “To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I’ve ever written.

    Here is the column once more:

    1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

    2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

    3. Life is too short – enjoy it.

    4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.

    5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

    6. You don’t have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.

    7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.

    8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

    9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

    10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

    11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.

    12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.

    13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

    14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.

    15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye, but don’t worry, God never blinks.

    16.. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

    17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.

    18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.

    19.. It’s never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.

    20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.

    21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

    22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

    23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.

    24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

    25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

    26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’

    27. Always choose life.

    28. Forgive.

    29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

    30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

    31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

    32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

    33. Believe in miracles.

    34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.

    35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

    36. Growing old beats the alternative of dying young.

    37. Your children get only one childhood.

    38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

    39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

    40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.

    41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have, not what you need.

    42. The best is yet to come…

    43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

    44. Yield.

    45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.” – Facebook

    Post in Comments any lessons that you particularly appreciate.

    45 Life Lessons Written by a ’90-year-old” Woman That’ll Put Everything Into Perspective – Stephanie Wong

    Pinterest Variations on These Life Lessons

    Bonuses:

    Instagram – Reel – Jonathan Haidt on slow Dopamine – holding off social media – see his caption screenshot below. [Also below is the full podcast on this topic – Dr. Haidt starts at 8:14.]

    Instagram – 3 Days Off Smartphones and How Our Brains Are Affected – Doc Amen

    Worship Wednesday – Unbelief? – “Believe!” by Blessing Offor

    Photo Credit: Knowing-Jesus

    Yet they did not obey or incline their ear, but walked in their own counsels and in the stubbornness of their evil heart, and went backward and not forward.Jeremiah 7:24

    “They are darkened in their understanding and alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart.” Ephesians 4:18

    For this reason we must pay much closer attention to what we have heard, so that we do not drift away from it. Hebrews 2:1

    “Blessed is the one who always trembles before God, but whoever hardens their heart falls into trouble.” Proverbs 28:14

    Unbelief is a dangerous state of being. Rather than take a disturbing or confusing situation, and dig into prayer, Bible study, and reasoning with other believers…we are tempted to take our own counsel. We are drawn to a lesser gospel which “allows” for us to come out on top or to be right and the other is wrong. We want to be comfortable, justified, without sin.

    Recently, we were blessed to be in a long conversation with a young family member who is struggling with a theological matter. He has studied long on this issue and can’t wrap his mind around it. Is that unbelief? I don’t think so. His heart is earnest toward the Lord. He wants to know what is true, and he wants to believe what God is saying. As we grapple over this, continue to study, and pray, I believe God will give him enough understanding that faith will take him the rest of the way…wherever he lands. He wants to believe and God will reveal what He needs to know.

    What’s scary is those who choose unbelief as their only recourse…their only way forward in our post-Christian culture. Those, even in the church, who refuse to bend to the teaching of Christ…it’s enough to be moral, to be nice, to be ____________ (whatever our culture says is correct).

    I knew a man once, a beloved brother, in the church where I grew up. He stopped coming to church after a long season of perceived faithfulness. His reason? He said he felt so burdened by what he had already learned and known about God that he didn’t want to risk being held responsible for any more knowledge of God!!!!!

    Tragic.

    Yet do we sometimes struggle with that ourselves? Being a part of church but having false beliefs…shutting our ears to what we hope not to have to obey. Or walking away from the church because of the same hardening of heart and refusing to believe.

    “…is true Christianity only to be measured by what I believe, or also by how I live? Functional Christianity is when your confession impacts your way of life — you are functioning in accordance with your confession that Jesus is Lord.  If Jesus is the reigning Lord of heaven and earth, then discipleship (true Christianity) is measured not simply by what I believe, but by how I live my life in relation to the rule of Jesus.  In other words, the gospel should impact every area of my life.” – John H. Armstrong, Functional Christianity

    A hardened heart has lost its desire to obey the Lord. Oh that we would never allow our hearts to be so far from Him as to not be able to hear His voice. He is always calling us back to Himself. Believe Him…trust Him…and obey. What freedom and beauty we have in this life with Him!

    30 Powerful Bible Verses About Hardening of the Heart – Pastor David

    Worship with me to singer/songwriter Blessing Offor‘s heart-gripping call for us to believe. Not just in God’s Word but in His love as well. No matter what.

    So You catch me when I fall, right?
    And You hear me when I call cryin’
    And You fix me when I’m broke, right?
    And that’s all I need to know
    So the storm is gonna break right?
    And the sun is gonna start shining
    And everything is gonna go right
    And that’s all I need to know

    But what if You know something I don’t?
    What if You will something I won’t?
    If You don’t give me what I want
    But You give me what I need
    Is that enough to…

    Believe, believe, believe, believe in Your love?
    Will I still
    Believe, believe, believe, believe in Your love?

    So nothing’s ever going wrong, right?
    And every day I’m gonna be smiling
    Turned my water into good wine
    And let the good times roll

    But what if You know something I don’t?
    What if You will something I won’t?
    If You don’t give me what I want
    But You give me what I need
    Is that enough to…

    Believe, believe, believe, believe in Your love?
    Will I still
    Believe, believe, believe, believe in Your love?
    Believe, believe, believe, believe in Your love
    Will I still
    Believe, believe, believe, believe in Your love?

    Do I want You? Do I want You?
    Do I want You or what You can do for me?
    Do I love You? Do I love You?
    Do I love You or what You can do for me?
    Sometimes I don’t know
    But all I wanna do is

    Believe, believe, believe, believe in Your love (Yes, I do)
    Believe, believe, believe, believe in Your love
    (All I wanna do, all I wanna do is believe)
    Believe, believe, believe, believe in Your love (Yes, I do)
    Believe, believe, believe, believe in Your love
    (Believe in Your love)
    Believe, believe, believe, believe in Your love (Yes, I believe)
    Believe, believe, believe, believe in Your love
    (I believe, I believe, I believe)
    Believe, believe, believe, believe in Your love
    (In Your love, in Your love, in Your love)
    Believe, believe, believe, believe in Your love*

    ““Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!” Mark 9:24b

    “I will give them a heart to know me, that I am the Lord; and they shall be my people, and I will be their God, for they shall return to me with their whole heart.” Jeremiah 24:7

    *Lyrics to “Believe” – Songwriters: Hank Bentley, Blessing Chibueze Offor

    Saturday Short – A Reader Asks Him Questions and Darius Foroux Answers

    Photo Credit: Brady Carlson

    While writing earlier this morning, I clicked on my search engine, and the article below by Darius Foroux popped up as recommended reading. It had been collected by Pocket, this great website that “houses” all sorts of fascinating articles by authors one might not know to search for. Unfortunately (sidebar), Pocket is shutting down later this summer (for reasons not fully revealed), and I will miss it. Anyway, back to 10 Practical Answers to 10 Powerful Questions.

    Darius Foroux, author and entrepreneur, takes the time and thought to answer 10 questions submitted by a reader named Mary. They are great questions. I’m going to list the questions and his answers in brief. Go to his website to read the whole of his answers.

    1. What’s the one quality that everyone must have?

    Persistence, perseverance, determination, grit—call it whatever you want.

    When you give up without a good reason, you’ll never know how your life could end up.

    2. What’s the one book you suggest everyone to read?

    Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky.

    It’s a book about thinking…[it] goes so deep that you can’t help but get touched by Dostoyevsky’s writing.

    3. What’s one powerful piece of advice for living a fulfilling life?

    Get clear on what you want.

    Decide what you want. And be firm with your execution. Don’t deviate from the path.

    4. What’s one piece of important financial advice?

    Don’t try to make money.

    When you try hard to make money, you’ll become unethical and focus on the wrong things. When you focus on providing genuine value, you will be rewarded for your help.

    5. What’s one skill that everyone must have?

    Writing.

    Writing is thinking…when you become a better writer, you’ll also become a better thinker.

    6. What’s one thing that you regret starting late or wished you started earlier?

    Investing.

    I’m talking about adopting the mindset of an investor. I never thought of everything you do in life as investing. Working out, reading, taking classes, spending time with people who matter to you—it’s all investing because these activities have a return.

    7. What’s one thing you learned the hard way?

    Doing something is different than reading about it.

    8. What’s one thing that should never be forgotten?

    You’re never alone.

    Life gets hard sometimes. And for some of us, our natural instinct is to solve everything by ourselves.

    Seek out people who share the same values as you. Become friends. They will help you when the time is right. And vice versa.

    9. What’s one thing we must not think twice on spending?

    This is obvious, but my answer is “books”.

    A few years ago, I acted like a cheapskate when it came to books.

    Do yourself a favor, if you see a book that might help you—buy it.

    10. What’s your definition of life in 50 words?

    No one knows what they are doing.

    That’s life in 7 words. And it’s something I truly believe in. It’s what keeps me sane.

    That’s it. I want to think about these questions more, maybe to come back and answer them myself. Today, I just wanted to introduce you to Darius Foroux, if you didn’t know him. He writes about many things – including stoicism, productivity, health, and generating wealth. He is Dutch, born to Iranian immigrant parents. Faith is a huge part of my life, and I can’t discern from his writing what part it plays in his. However, intelligence, even wisdom, is clearly evident in his writing. I spent part of the day on the rabbit trail of learning from him. Time well-spent.

    P.S. Any thoughts on these questions or his answers? How would you answer? Please share in Comments below.

    Top 10 Best Do It Today Darius Foroux of 2025

    YouTube Video – Why Writing Improves Self-Discipline – Darius Foroux

    Worship Wednesday – Daddy’s DNA – Brandon Lake

    Photo Credit: Brandon Lake, Praisejamzblog

    Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.Genesis 1:26-27

    “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” – Jesus – Matthew 11:28-30

    “Everyone the Father gives me will come to me, and the one who comes to me I will never cast out.” – Jesus – John 6:37

    So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:31-32

    We are created in the image of God. Astounding fact! That means we are hard-wired for goodness and beauty, love and creativity, mercy and justice. Our problem then? Sin. From the beginning, sin has seeded our nature with self-serving and the warped sense that we belong to ourselves not to the God who knows and loves us perfectly. Apart from surrendering ourselves to His lordship, we attempt to live fragmented with bits of His DNA at work in us but far from what He had in mind for us…far from the freedom we can have in Christ’s forgiveness.

    This brings us to the beautiful story Jesus told of the prodigal son. In this parable, Jesus brings into focus the lives and relationships of three men – a father and his two sons. The younger son rejected the life his father had for him and chose to sever himself from him. He asked for his inheritance and his father let him go to what would become a life of debauchery…living loosely on the means he did not earn, except by his lineage from his father. The older son stayed with his father, serving him (and tending his own future) as before. The father was heart-broken, and, although it isn’t written, maybe the older son went looking for the younger son to bring him back home. Or maybe he did not. We don’t know. Once the money ran out, the younger son found himself alone and hungry, without relationship or worth. Shame and regret were his only companions. He decided to return to his father asking for his mercy. Was he truly contrite and repentant – we can’t know his heart. He for sure wanted relief from the constant distress he endured, consequence of his poor choices. As he came, his father recognized him, from far off, as if he never stopped looking for his return. The father came running to receive him, welcoming him back home. The older brother? Not so much. In his own self-righteousness, the older brother did not rejoice, even when it pained his father’s heart that he had such a response. Being a good father has its own anguish, and we should always remember that in our love for God and in our treatment of those He loves.

    The Parable of the Prodigal Son

    Photo Credit: Geoff Thomas, I’ll Be Honest

    The Parable of the Running Father – Geoff Thomas

    What the Prodigal Son’s Father Teaches Us About Love and Truth – John Clark [this piece is written by a Catholic author. For those of us not Catholic, don’t let that put you off from reading a beautiful essay on God’s relationship with us and His desire for us to know Him and walk with Him.]

    Singer, songwriter Brandon Lake just released his latest single “Daddy’s DNA”. It’s a beautiful, honest confession of a prodigal (most likely some of which is Lake’s own story).

    Parable of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-32) – David Gowler

    The Prodigal Son’s Father Shouldn’t Have Run! – Putting Luke 15:11-32 in Context – Matthew Williams

    Worship with me.

    I thought the world had something special I was missing
    My daddy told me not to chase it, I didn’t listen
    I fell downhill a mile a minute
    Before I knew it, I was livin’
    In a pig sty a long, long way from home

    I went runnin’ like a rebel
    Racked up debts I couldn’t pay
    I went dancing with the devil
    With one foot in the grave
    How the Heaven did I get here?
    Went and threw it all away
    All I’ve given You was trouble
    All You’ve given me was grace


    And the freedom I was chasing felt like prison
    Lord, I’ve done so many things, wish I didn’t
    And after all the risky business
    Could I ever be forgiven?
    I’m afraid to even ask to come back home

    ‘Cause I went runnin’ like a rebel
    Racked up debts I couldn’t pay
    I went dancing with the devil
    With one foot in the grave
    How the Heaven did I get here?
    Went and threw it all away
    All I’ve given You was trouble
    All You’ve given me is grace
    Given me was grace

    When I sobered up, and came back to my senses
    I was too far gone to make up all the distance
    I gambled all that I’d been given
    I was broke, alone and wishing
    That I could turn around and go back home
    When I heard the sound of footsteps down the road


    And You came runnin’ like a rebel
    Paid off debts I couldn’t pay
    You went dancing with the devil
    Sent that liar to his grave
    How the Heaven did I get here?
    Where every sin has been erased
    All I’ve given You was trouble
    All You’ve given me is grace


    There was something in the marrow
    Always coursing through my veins
    Buried deeper than the rubble
    Is My Daddy’s DNA*

    I love this song. The bridge (or benediction?) at the end really gave me pause. We do have the Lord’s DNA in us…what we do with that has eternal consequence. Either we think it is really our DNA and we can live our lives for ourselves, our own ambition and pleasure, and our own perceived destinies…or we recognize Whose we are and what we need to do to alter course and take on the life we were meant to have. That is where joy and freedom really lie. To recognize the prodigal nature in all of us and to return Home to a Father who came for us, in Jesus, and continues to come for us through the Holy Spirit at work in our lives.

    My prayer is that His DNA is on beautiful display in all who call Him Father.

    *Lyrics to “Daddy’s DNA” – Songwriters: Brandon Lake, Hank Bentley, Jacob Sooter

    The Birth of Sin

    “Where Are You?” – Genesis 3:7-15 – Lesson 9 – Bible.org

    Worship Wednesday – Faith + Hope = Trust – Brennan Manning

    Photo Credit: Quotefancy

    You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You. Isaiah 26:3

    “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.”Proverbs 3:5-6

    Be anxious about nothing, but in everything, by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

    My word for 2025 is trust. It was a curious choice for me – Holy Spirit inspired – because I rarely use that word. However, just in the last few weeks, I’ve been diving into its meaning to the believer. Author, speaker Brennan Manning, in his book Ruthless Trust: The Ragamuffin’s Path to God has helped me understand it better.

    Mid-way through the book, he proposes a single equation:

    Faith + Hope = Trust.

    Faith and trust are words often used interchangeably. How I see them now is this: Faith focuses on God’s character, His promises, and His power. We have faith in Him because of what He says about Himself and how we have seen Him act in history and in the lives of those around us and in our very own lives. Faith believes “He can.” Hope focuses on what’s coming in the future and how God, based on our faith and experience already, He will act. Hope is positive because we have experienced the movement of God as positive. Then trust relates to the relationship between God and me. I have faith He can do something; I have hope that He is going to do something (good), and I trust, because of His love, He will do that good thing for me. Our trust does extend to others, believing that God’s love and goodness includes others. However, trust is deeply personal and experiential. As we grow in trust, we grow in our understanding of His love. Out of that comes deep gratitude…even in our darkest of times.

    Photo Credit: Quotefancy

    The reality of naked trust is the life of the pilgrim who leaves what is nailed down, obvious, and secure, and walks into the unknown without any rational explanation to justify the decision or guarantee the future. Why? Because God has signaled the movement and offered it his presence and his promise.”
    ― Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust: The Ragamuffin’s Path to God

    “We are only grateful people when we can say thank you to all that has brought us to the present moment. As long as we keep dividing our lives between events and people we would like to remember and those we would rather forget, we cannot claim the fullness of our beings as a gift of God to be grateful for. Let’s not be afraid to look at everything that has brought us to where we are now and trust that we will soon see in it the guiding hand of a loving God.” ― Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust: The Ragamuffin’s Path to God

    Why is Brennan Manning lovable in the eyes of God?  Because on February 8th of 1956, in a shattering, life-changing experience, I committed my life to Jesus.  Does God love me because ever since I was ordained a priest in 1963, I roamed the country and lately all over the world proclaiming the Good News of the gospel of grace?  Does God love me because I tithe to the poor?  Does he love me because back in New Orleans I work on skid row with alcoholics, addicts, and those who suffer with AIDS?  Does God love me because I spend two hours every day in prayer?  If I believe that stuff I’m a Pharisee!  Then I feel I’m entitled to be comfortably close to Christ because of my good works.  The gospel of grace says, “Brennan, you’re lovable for one reason only—because God loves you.  Period.”Brennan Manning

    [Some of my favorite books – Manning’s most famous book The Ragamuffin Gospel is loaned out.]

    [The video below is 3:42 minutes of Brennan Manning’s understanding of God and His love for us. Powerful.]

    Worship with me to Twila Paris“Do I Trust You, Lord?”. This song came out in 1994. I remember many times sitting at the piano singing that song, with tears streaming down my cheeks…feeling His presence even in the grief of those moments…trusting Him.

    Sometimes my little heart can’t understand
    What’s in Your will, what’s in Your plan
    So many times I’m tempted to ask You why
    But I can never forget it for long
    Lord, what You do could not be wrong
    So I believe You, even when I must cry

    Chorus:
    Do I trust You, Lord?
    Does the river flow?
    Do I trust You, Lord?
    Does the north wind blow?
    You can see my heart
    You can read my mind
    And You got to know
    That I would rather die
    Than to lose my faith
    In the One I love
    Do I trust You, Lord?
    Do I trust You?

    I know the answers, I’ve given them all
    But suddenly now, I feel so small
    Shaken down to the cavity in my soul
    I know the doctrine and theology
    But right now they don’t mean much to me
    This time there’s only one thing I’ve got to know

    Chorus:
    Do I trust You, Lord?
    Does the robin sing?
    Do I trust You, Lord?
    Does it rain in spring?
    You can see my heart
    You can read my mind
    And You got to know
    That I would rather die
    Than to lose my faith
    In the One I love

    Do I trust You, Lord?
    Do I trust You?

    I will trust You, Lord, when I don’t know why
    I will trust You, Lord, till the day I die
    I will trust You, Lord, when I’m blind with pain!
    You were God before, and You’ll never change
    I will trust You

    I will trust You
    I will trust You, Lord
    I will trust You*

    Our dear brother Brennan Manning had many dark periods in his life – depression, alcoholism, terrible self-doubt. If you have read any of his books, you will see the beauty of his struggle. God was there with him in the dark. Manning wrote brilliantly and experientially about the love of God, His character and transcendence, and the persevering nature of the Trinity drawing him to Himself…through it all. Another Twila Paris song which I also sang in times of weakness and doubt reminds me of him – “The Warrior Is a Child”. Take time to play it in memory of our brother (died in 2013) and in honor of the God who sees us wherever we are and stays with us in His incomprehensible love.

    The Warrior is a Child – Twila Paris (Orig. 1984 Version) – YouTube

    *Lyrics to “Do I Trust You, Lord?” – Songwriter: Twila Paris

    Monday Morning Moment – Word for the New Year – Trust – the Object of Our Trust Matters – Deb Mills

    Farewell, Brennan – Philip Yancey

    What More Could He Have Done for Us? – Anthony Delaney

    Saint Brennan Manning: A Ragamuffin to the End – Tim Suttle

    The Difference Between, Hope, Faith, and Trust

    Photo Credit: IMG Flip

    Monday Morning Moment – Not Us and Them, But We – Benching Divisiveness

    Photo Credit: His Place

    Too much of life and culture these days is polarizing. It may have always been so. Good guys and bad guys. Heroes and villains. Liberals and conservatives. Secular and religious. The list goes on forever.

    When I woke this morning, many of these ideas and conflicts were bouncing around in my brain. Then the idea came to mind: “Not Us and Them, but We.” What can grow our capacity for civil discourse? How can we nurture curiosity in our thinking, especially in communication with those who have very different ideas than we might have? What moves us toward understanding rather than acting on the motivation to move “them” to think like “us”?

    Often in the last several weeks, in particular, conversations either center on politics, or it’s “the elephant in the room”. Fortunately I have friends who differ from me in some of our political views but they seek to understand, which gives me the same potential for my understanding their views.

    Organizational psychologist and author, Adam Grant, often points to the distractions that keep us divided or on edge with each other. He gives wise counsel.

    Photo Credit: Screenshot, Adam Grant, X

    I also have friends who have pretty much ghosted me over the same views. Conversation is just too emotionally charged. Too anxiety-provoking. I respect that, but I also miss the possibility of learning from them and dialoging together such that both of us can see things from a higher vantage point.

    Writer, leadership coach Scott Sauls posted an article just this weekend that resonates with this very current issue. Without really focusing on politics, he expands the idea of differences to incorporate our stances on all of life…and on people with whom we have conflict. In fact, he points to three identities we may have for ourselves and others, and how those identities keep us divided against each other. Below are quotes from this article – click on the link to read all the wisdom found there. Still a quick read.

    “Family, work, team, tribe, church, community, and nation—every sphere of life has its culture, and in each one, we assign roles. We naturally place people or groups into the categories of victim, villain, or hero to suit our own biases. Sometimes, one person or group is cast in all three roles, as we seek to simplify complex situations and deflect blame away from ourselves.”

    In almost every conflict, we instinctively conclude that someone is hurt, someone is to blame, and someone must intervene to make things right. These roles are common in the stories we read, the movies we watch, the news we consume, and the communities we are part of. But victim, villain, and hero are also the roles we quietly assign to ourselves and others as we navigate difficult relationships and painful experiences.”

    The Peril of Playing the Victim – When we assume the role of victim as our primary identity, we risk trapping ourselves in a story of bitterness and self-pity. We replay the wrongs done to us over and over, feeding a narrative that makes the presumed offender larger than life and ourselves perpetually powerless. Over time, the victim mindset tempts us to believe that others are responsible for our misery and that our healing depends almost entirely on their repentance or punishment.”

    The Peril of Casting Others as Villains – If playing the victim is one danger, the second is casting others as villains. When someone wrongs us, it is easy to reduce them to their very worst moment or season, and to nothing more than the sum of their sins. They are no longer a whole person with complexities, struggles, and good qualities—they are simply “the one who hurt me.” We judge them harshly, as though their worst moment defines their entire character, while conveniently minimizing our own flaws…The labels we assign—especially when shaped by our pain—often obscure the truth.”

    The Peril of Seeing Ourselves or Others as Heroes – Another dangerous role to assume is that of the hero. Heroes see life in black and white—good versus bad, victims versus villains—and position themselves as the ones who can fix it all. Sometimes, this looks like trying to rescue others from pain, taking on burdens that aren’t ours. Other times, it looks like moral superiority: we believe we’re the righteous ones who would never behave like “those people,” and our role is to rescue others from “them.” Still other times, people want to step in as heroes to protect themselves from the wrath of “victims” who are known for punishing and persecuting those who refuse to rescue them from their “villains.””

    Sauls ends his post with the Gospel of Jesus Christ being the better story:

    The gospel dismantles the victim, villain, and hero roles by telling a different story—one where Jesus is the only one who can truly make things right. It teaches us that:

    • If we are in fact victims, we are seen, loved, and cared for by a God who is near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18). But our healing is not dependent on human justice; it is rooted in the grace of God, who works all things together for good (Romans 8:28).
    • As those who have been wronged, we must forgive as we have been forgiven (Ephesians 4:32). Forgiveness does not deny the reality of harm, and it does not grant trust where trust has not been reestablished through repentance, reconciliation, and sincere efforts to repair, but it releases us from the burden of bitterness and entrusts justice to God.
    • As those tempted to self-righteousness and pride, we are reminded that we, too, have sinned and that our salvation is a gift, not a reward (Romans 3:24). Paul’s rhetorical question and subsequent answer—“Are we any better? Absolutely not” (Romans 6:15)!—become relevant for us, as well.

    When we let go of the victim, villain, and hero mindsets, we step into a life shaped by humility, grace, and reconciliation. Humility reminds us that we are all broken and in need of mercy. Grace empowers us to forgive others as we have been forgiven. And reconciliation—where possible—invites us to repair what is broken and pursue peace.” – Scott Sauls

    Overcoming the Victim, Villain, and Hero Trap – How the Gospel Frees Us From Denying, Blaming, and Deflecting – Scott Sauls

    Where do you see yourself in these scenarios? Do we view ourselves as the hero, fighting for others? Or are we the victim and see another (person or party) as the villain?

    Photo Credit: Adam Grant, X

    Thoughtful disagreement doesn’t start with “You’re wrong!” It begins with “I’d love to understand your thinking better.” Attacking conclusions closes minds. Asking about reasoning opens them. Good debates don’t have winners or losers. They leave everyone more informed. Adam Grant, X

    My husband often puts one of his favorite adages – “We are better than me.” – in work conversations, especially those related to drifting into silo thinking. So much better than where we often find ourselves, if we’re not intentional, which is an “us and them” mentalities. Unfortunately, the “us” is too often deemed better than “them”. Whenever we can, let’s work toward getting “the us’s” to talk to “the them’s” with the goal of becoming “a we”. I know this might seem less complicated in a work situation when an employer mandates this sort of action. However, it is also possible in families, friend groups, and communities which have become fractured because of a rift or rupture. We can be hopeful if we’re willing to be humble, forgiving, curious, and full of grace. God will definitely grease the tracks in that direction.

    In It Together – Emma Scrivener

    How Estrangement Has Become an Epidemic in America – Joshua Coleman and Will Johnson

    What Estranged Families Can Teach Us About the Political Divide – Joshua Coleman

    “Seeing every interaction as win-lose isn’t smart. It’s shortsighted. Evidence: People who view others’ gains as their loss see potential allies as hostile and miss out on productive collaborations. In the long run, the best path to success and happiness is striving for win-win.”Adam Grant, X

    Monday Morning Moment – Word for the New Year – Trust – the Object of Our Trust Matters

    Photo Credit: Heartlight, Verse of the Day

    [Adapted from the Archives]

    Following is a brief history of how choosing and exploring a word for the year became a habit for me starting in 2020. If you want, just skip down to the highlighted start of 2025 that takes you to this year.

    In 2020 (the year of COVID), I read Debbie Macomber‘s book One Perfect Word. She tells fascinating stories of persons’ choosing a word to guide their year. Finishing her book and praying a bit, the word compassion became my focus. 2021 was a good year for that as we dealt with so many divisions over COVID, race, politics, etc. Compassion for all on both sides of each issue.

    At first I wasn’t going to do “a word” for 2022, and then a rapid series of “coincidences” drew me to the word: joy. As that year ended, I had become negative and even a bit cynical. Still having faith in God but not so much in humans, including myself. Even after a year of compassion!!

    5 Friday Faves – New Year’s Resolutions, Habit Planner, Year-End Review, Joy – the Word for the Year, and the Last Days of 2021 – Deb Mills

    Then 2023 followed, and I chose the word “wonder”. It was inspired by my study of Dr. Curt Thompson’s books. He encourages a pursuit of mental health and healing including staying “in the path of oncoming beauty”. This focus on wonder – in searching out beauty in the context of community and a loving God – brought me through a year tougher than I imagined it would be.

    Monday Morning Moment – Word for the Year 2023 – Wonder – Deb Mills

    Then at the end of 2023, I’d been lamenting being older (i.e. weaker, more frail). Having lost 2 inches in stature (just in the years of pounding on my vertebra) also made me feel small. I’ve decided to push back against the weakness and seemingly diminished nature of getting older. After all, what does that even mean?! I’m not that old. Right?

    In Joshua 14, Caleb was 85 years old. He gives a beautiful and faith-filled declaration: “I am still as strong today as I was on the day Moses sent me; as my strength was then, so my strength is now, for war and for going out and coming in. Now then, give me this hill country about which the Lord spoke on that day, for you heard on that day that Anakim (giants) were there, with great fortified cities; perhaps the Lord will be with me, and I will drive them out just as the Lord has spoken.” [Joshua 14:11-12.]

    Talking to Dave (that husband of mine), he commented that Caleb had that strength for which I was longing because he had “a different spirit in him” (Numbers 14:24). Whereas the 10 spies and the Israelites influenced by them were driven by a spirit of fear, Caleb was filled by the Spirit of God. In his determination to obey and follow wholeheartedly, his faith emboldened him. He demonstrated strength physically, mentally, and spiritually.

    He would not be defined by age, aptitude, or ability…but by the great and gracious God he sought to serve. That’s what I have longed for in this year soon to be ending. To be strong. In all ways possible. Including strong in my love for God and others. This can only be mine if nested in being filled with the very Spirit of God.

    Ironically, or not so much with the Lord, I have struggled with even more physical weakness (a painful and limiting hip pain) but not without working toward being strong again. Months ago, in choosing “strong” as the word for this year, God knew. In this season still, I am reminded of His goodness. “For when I am weak (and it will happen), then His strength is manifested perfectly and completely!” (2 Corinthians 12:10)

    He keeps His promises.

    Monday Morning Moment – Word for the New Year – Strong (Nested in “Filled” – There’s a Story) – Deb Mills

    Now we stand at the start of 2025.

    These last days of December 2024, I have pondered what word would be a fixed point for this coming year. New Year’s resolutions and habit formation are both great helps for my slightly scattered brain. This Word of the Year exercise (which will span the next year) has also been a tremendous help.

    The word “trust” has come to mind, in my times in the Word, in recent conversations, and in circumstances beyond my control. “Trust” – whew! That word has always been troubling for me. I think we put too much importance on trusting people – we will all disappoint and fail each other. It happens. Will I put that same bias on God, or can I treat Him as He is and as the Trustworthy One He reveals Himself to be?

    Trust – Why Trust matters – Psychology Today – Trusting others and being trustworthy matter, but human trust is flawed and has to be handled with some measure of understanding and grace.

    The object of our trust can’t be on people but on God. He alone will not disappoint. He alone will always keep His promises.

    Praying to trust God more seems to carry the same human-borne threat of praying for patience. Yikes! We want more patience but not the sorts of experiences that will bring it. Is God drawing me to focus on trust in 2025 because I’m going to need it more? No…refusing to think there would be any negative outcome with trusting God more. It is a beautiful thing and He is worthy.

    Just yesterday Dave and I talked about trust and what it means. He defined it as having confidence that someone (including God, of course) will be who he/she says they are and will do what they say they will do. Again, as humans, we don’t always prove to be trust-worthy…and we apply grace, not unforgiveness. But God!!! We can have complete confidence in Him. Complete trust.

    “The biblical definition of trust goes beyond mere belief or reliance. It involves a complete surrender and reliance on God, knowing that He is faithful and will fulfill His promises. Trust, according to biblical definition, is the means of putting aside our own understanding and leaning on God’s wisdom and guidance. It means acknowledging that God’s ways are higher than our ways and trusting that He is in control of all things. Trust requires us to have faith, to believe in the unseen and to confidently depend on God’s faithfulness. It is an unwavering assurance that God is trustworthy and will never fail us. This biblical concept of trust is not just a casual belief, but an active and intentional decision to place our confidence in God alone.”Daniel, Prayer Warrior – Bible Definition Of Trust (How The Lord Defines Trusting Him) – Read the whole article!

    God Is a Way-maker – How to Trust God with the Impossible – Daniel – Prayer Warrior – DailyEffectivePrayer.org

    Photo Credit: Heartlight

    I am going to turn my heart toward trusting God in 2025 for small and big things – for situations only He can move toward healing and wholeness. For the prodigals in my life. For a family rift that continues unchanged since 2020. For salvation for some dear friends (and family) I love deeply (and God loves more). For direction in moment-by-moment turns in life (eyes on Him instead of my own faulty decision-making). For grace to trust He is creating beauty even in and through me. Finally, trusting God for all those previous word lessons He has begun in my life to continue to grow into maturity – compassion, joy, wonder, and strength.

    Photo Credit: Oswald Chambers, image source unknown

    Worship Wednesday – No Matter What I Will Trust in You – Lauren Daigle – Deb Mills

    YouTube Video – Do I Trust You? – Twila Paris – my absolute favorite song on trust

    Top 25 Oswald Chambers Quotes – AZ Quotes

    Photo Credit: X, David J. Harris, Jr.