Category Archives: Lessons Learned

Addictions, Addictive Personality, Attending or Focus, Attitude, Conversations, Critical Thinking, Decision-making, Emotions, Finishing Strong, fresh start, Grace, Habits, Lessons Learned, Life Skills, Monday Morning, Monday Morning Moment, Recovery, Redeeming & Restoring, Relationships, Resilience, Thanksgiving or Gratefulness, Words

Monday Morning Moment – The Addictive Nature of Complaining and Breaking the Cycle

May 11, 2026 admindeb Leave a comment

Photo Credit: The Joy Within, Kyle Greenfield

Could I be complaining about complaining? Not at all. Having already written about it twice before (and not counting my pieces on negative thinking), why revisit it?

Here’s why.

Complaining is bad for us. It actually rewires the brain into thinking our complaints are current reality. Whatever has riled us up in the recent (or not so recent) past stirs up cortisol excretion (a stress hormone). Then as we process our complaint with a sympathetic listener, we actually then get a hit of dopamine. This positive effect of complaining is the pathway to habit. In fact, the brain will default to complaining in the future, rather than positive problem-solving or exercising gratitude for the good over the bad.

If, however, our processing a complicated or stressful situation helps us to get to a positive solution, the brain responds accordingly. This should be much more satisfying than habitual complaining which is personally depressing as well as depressing to others. There are rewards in complaining if it engenders sympathy maybe or gets us out of responsibilities, but those “rewards” turn into negatives when complaining becomes habitual and drives people away. This is not to say complaining should be silenced. We need to process hard things. The problem with complaining is when it becomes the end-goal.

The Psychological Harm of Complaining – Bence Nanay Ph.D.

It is quite sobering actually to consider all that’s written these days (see below) about the neurological changes that can come from repetitive behaviors, such as complaining. Fortunately, reversing this is possible.

High Focus Centers are treatment programs across multiple US states. Their focus is out-patient care for substance abuse and psychiatric disorders/issues. The following is a substantive excerpt from their article on the addictive nature of complaining, its physiological and relational harm, and the benefit of shifting complaining to a healthier mindset in 5 steps. 5 steps! Worth the read and your consideration, if you struggle with complaining or love someone who does.

“The purpose of the complaint often isn’t to fix anything…It’s about drawing attention—maybe to feel seen, validated or pitied. Over time, this loop of discomfort → complaint → attention can become addictive, providing a false sense of control, significance or identity…Victim mentality is a pattern of thinking where a person sees themselves as perpetually wronged by others or by life itself. They may believe they are ‘good’ or ‘right,’ and that any problem in their life is caused by other people who are ‘bad’ or ‘wrong.’..At its core, victim mentality keeps someone trapped in blame. It externalizes every challenge and prevents personal growth, because it shifts responsibility away from the self.”

“Just like substance use or compulsive behaviors, complaining can offer short-term relief. It may feel good to vent, to be validated or to be the center of concern. But over time, this habitual negativity can actually rewire the brain, reinforcing pessimism, resentment and passivity.

Photo Credit: ThinkLink

Here’s why complaining can feel addictive:

Dopamine hits: When someone receives sympathy or attention after complaining, it can activate the brain’s reward system.
Identity reinforcement: Constantly viewing oneself as the victim can create a strong sense of self—though unhealthy, it’s familiar and consistent.
Avoidance of responsibility: Complaining and blaming protect someone from having to make changes, take risks or face uncomfortable truths.
Social bonding: In some circles, shared complaining becomes a social glue—even though it reinforces negativity.

Unfortunately, these perceived ‘benefits’ come at a high cost: chronic stress, broken relationships, low self-esteem and an inability to build lasting inner peace.”

Is Complaining an Addiction? Understanding the Trap of Victim Mentality – High Focus Treatment Centers

Shifting from Complaining to Empowerment

“Escaping the cycle of complaining and victimhood begins with awareness. If you find yourself constantly focused on what’s wrong—without seeking solutions—it may be time to ask: What am I hoping to gain from this?

Here are some strategies to begin shifting your mindset:

Notice the Pattern

Start by tracking your complaints. What triggers them? Are you seeking connection, pity or a sense of righteousness?

Ask: “Can I fix this?”

If the answer is yes, take action. If the answer is no, explore acceptance. Complaining about things you can’t or won’t change is a drain on your energy.

Reframe, Don’t Deny

You don’t have to pretend everything is fine. But try reframing: instead of “I hate this heat,” say, “This heat is uncomfortable—maybe I’ll get a fan or find some shade.”

Practice Gratitude

Gratitude is the antidote to victimhood. Regularly recognizing what’s going well helps train your brain to seek out the positive.

Get Support

If complaining and blame feel like your default mode, it may be time to explore why. Often, these patterns are rooted in trauma, insecurity or learned helplessness. Working with a therapist can help uncover those roots and replace them with healthier coping tools.“

Is Complaining an Addiction? Understanding the Trap of Victim Mentality – High Focus Treatment Centers

Bottom line: Complaining is bad for you and can become habitual. It can become relational second-hand smoke, harming you and those around you. Ironically, this habit can be transformed, like any other, with great positive impact on your brain. Let’s get after it!

Monday Morning Moment – Don’t Let Complaining Rewire Your Brain – Deb Mills

Monday Morning Moment – Complaining Rewires Your Brain – How to Curb (Maybe Not Stop) Complaining – Deb Mills

How Complaining Rewires Your Brain Toward Negativity – ThinkLink – Super quick read and super helpful as well!

How Complaining Rewires Your Brain – Brain Performance

Chronic Complaining: Examining Its Relationship to Mental Health

The Truth About Complaining – Kyle Greenfield

Is Complaining Good for You? Therapists Explain [The Answer Is Surprising] – Brina Patel

Complaining and Your Brain: 4 Surprising Effects

Why Complaining is Addictive – Dr. Gloria Lee

How Negative Thinking Destroys Your Relationship – Dr. Gloria Lee

Is Complaining an Addiction? Find Out! Take the One-Day “Abstain from Complain” Challenge – Dr. Michael Ceely

Why Do I Complain So Much? Understanding the Psychology of Negativity

The Pros and Cons of Complaining – Barbara Frazier

Photo Credit: QuoteFancy

America, Attending or Focus, Attitude, Character, Church, Community, Conversations, Culture & Religion, Faithfulness, Fear, Finishing Strong, Forgiveness, fresh start, Glory of God, God, God the Father, Gospel, Grace, Healing, Inspired, Jesus, Lessons Learned, Lives Full of God, Love Your Neighbor, Music, Obedience, Pray, Reconciliation/Forgiveness, Walk with God, Wednesday Worship, Worship

Worship Wednesday – National Day of Prayer – “If My People”

May 7, 2026 admindeb Leave a comment

Photo Credit: The Grace Blog, Jason White

“If My people who are called by My name humble themselves, and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land.” – 2 Chronicles 7:14

On May 7, U. S. churches and Christian organizations (even some in our government and among other religions) will set aside time to observe the National Day of Prayer. We are called to put our political and ethnic differences aside and to seek God’s healing of our country.

National Day of Prayer – Prayer Guide (pdf) – The Shepherd’s Church

The verse above from 2 Chronicles is often quoted. It’s a beautiful promise, conditioned on the response of the people of Israel in ancient times. Does it apply today to believers in America?

Below find commentary by two theologians answering this question. Their answers surprised me a bit, the fact being I am NOT a theologian. However, as you read their answers, remember that God speaks to all of us through all of His Word. As He led His people then, He leads His people now. He calls us to humble ourselves, to pray, to seek Him, and to repent from our evil doing. We can’t rest on our political leanings; we can’t trust in human guardians of our nation’s well-being (over the Sovereign keeping of God Himself); we can’t carry hatred or pride in our hearts without thought of the consequences. We who follow Christ aim to submit to His ways and His word on all things…with His help.

“In context, 2 Chronicles 7:14 is a promise to ancient Israel (and perhaps even modern-day Israel) that, if they will repent and return to the Lord, He will rescue them. However, many Christians in the United States have taken this verse as a rallying cry for America. (Perhaps Christians in other countries have done so as well.) In this interpretation, Christians are the people who are called by God’s name. If Christians will humble themselves, pray, seek God’s face, and repent, then God will heal their land—often a moral and political healing is in view as well as economic healing. The question is whether or not this is a proper interpretation/application.

The United States does not have the same covenant relationship with God that ancient Israel enjoyed. The covenant with Israel was unique and exclusive. The terms that applied to Israel simply did not apply to any other nation, and it is improper for these terms to be co-opted and applied to a different nation. When 2 Chronicles 7:14 is applied to Christians in the U.S. or any other modern nation, it is usually with the understanding that the Christians in that nation—the true believers in Jesus Christ who have been born again by the Spirit of God—will comprise the righteous remnant. God never promised that if a righteous remnant repents and prays for their nation, that the nation will be saved. Perhaps if national repentance occurred, then God would spare a modern nation as He spared Nineveh at the preaching of Jonah (see Jonah 3)—but that is a different issue.

Having said that, it is never wrong to confess our sins and pray—in fact, it is our duty as believers to continuously confess and forsake our sins so that they will not hinder us (Hebrews 12:1) and to pray for our nation and those in authority (1 Timothy 2:1–2). It may be that God in His grace will bless our nation as a result—but there is no guarantee of national deliverance. Even if God did use our efforts to bring about national repentance and revival, there is no guarantee that the nation would be politically or economically saved. As believers, we are guaranteed personal salvation in Christ (Romans 8:1), and we are also guaranteed that God will use us to accomplish His purposes, whatever they may be. It is our duty as believers to live holy lives, seek God, pray, and share the gospel knowing that all who believe will be saved, but the Bible does not guarantee the political, cultural, or economic salvation of our nation.” – Got Questions

Worship with me. We have God’s Word and His wisdom leading us into repentance, for our good and His glory. If God chooses, He may heal our land, but most importantly, for us, is our joyful and hopeful submission to His rule and reign in our lives. Still…this beautiful Imperials rendition of 2 Chronicles 7:14 is a call to prayer and repentance for us Christ followers, no matter the outcome. [I’ve loved this song for many years and still get goosebumps, singing along with the Imperials. Enjoy.]

If My people
Which are called by My name
Shall humble themselves
Shall humble themselves and pray
If My people
Which are called by My name
Shall seek My face
And turn from their wicked ways

Then will I hear from heaven
Then will I hear from heaven
Then will I hear and will forgive
Forgive their sin

If My people
Which are called by My name
Shall humble themselves
Shall humble themselves and pray
I will forgive their sin
I will forgive their sin
I will forgive their sin
And heal their land

If My people
Which are called by My name
Shall humble themselves
Shall humble themselves
Shall humble themselves and pray*

“If there was ever anyone who had humbled themselves, prayed, sought the Lord, and turned from their wicked ways, it was the disciples and the early church. But did they receive healing for their land? No, they received persecution. They were threatened, and some were even thrown in jail for their faith. Eventually most were even scattered from their land (Acts 8:1-3).

But despite all these terrible situations and circumstances in their lives, they were blessed with every spiritual blessing (Ephesians 1:3). They had the peace and abundant life of Christ. And this is the promise for all who believe. We don’t have to find economic and political healing in our land to enjoy God’s blessings. Our blessings are found in a Person.

Does that mean we shouldn’t pray for our country and hope things get better?

Absolutely not! We can love our country and be thankful we get to live here. We can be grateful for the men and women who sacrificed their lives to protect our freedom. We can pray for our country and hope things get better. But as we pray for our country, our ultimate hope is not that our lives get more comfortable through prosperity but that more people come to know Jesus and the abundant life that can only be found in Him.” – Jason White

*Lyrics to “If My People” – Songwriter: Jimmy Owens, as sung by The Imperials

What Is the Meaning of 2 Chronicles 7:14? – Got Questions

Anxiety, Attending or Focus, Books, Community, Courage, Cross-Cultural, Crucifixion, Culture & Religion, Easter and Lent, Emotions, Fear, Finishing Strong, Forgiveness, God the Father, Grace, Grief and Loss, Holidays, Jesus, Lamb of God, Legacy, Lessons Learned, Lives Full of God, Love, Music, Obedience, Reconciliation/Forgiveness, Remembering, Thanksgiving or Gratefulness, Transformational, Walk with God, Worship

Jesus and Holy Week – Day 7 – Black Saturday – the Silent Tomb

April 4, 2026 admindeb Leave a comment

http://debmillswriter.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/Blog-Holy-Week-Black-Saturday.jpg

Photo Credit: Catholiclane.com – Garden Tomb, Jerusalem

[Adapted from the Archives]

This is the morning of exhausted grief. Jesus, the Messiah, God’s Sent One; His Only Son lay dead in a tomb. Dead. How is this possible?

The disciples, his family, those followers whose lives were completely transformed must have been numb with the stark reality that he was not with them…not on that Saturday. What would they do without him? What would happen to them? What? What?…Why?

There is only one scriptural reference to this day and it related to the threat of Jesus’ power and influence, even in death:

The next day, that is, after the day of Preparation, the chief priests and the Pharisees gathered before Pilate and said, “Sir, we remember how that impostor said, while he was still alive, ‘After three days I will rise.’ Therefore order the tomb to be made secure until the third day, lest his disciples go and steal him away and tell the people, ‘He has risen from the dead,’ and the last fraud will be worse than the first.” Pilate said to them, “You have a guard of soldiers. Go, make it as secure as you can.” So they went and made the tomb secure by sealing the stone and setting a guard. – Matthew 27:62-66

For the Jews, days begin and end at sundown. Most probably this visit with Pilate occurred Friday night. At his command, guards were placed. The tomb was sealed. Jesus would be no more trouble…or so they thought, in their ignorance.

He is dead: this man from Nazareth, the Messiah of Israel, the Lord of the world.

With His dying breaths, He spoke words of forgiveness, finality, and faith.

But now the breathing has ceased, and the lungs that exhaled forgiveness are deflated. My Jesus – dead.* – Trevin Wax

Read the rest of his poem here.

[Inserting here a talk done on Good Friday by a friend of ours – her topic was “What does the cross change?” – fitting for today – then after her talk, I will close on Black Saturday.]

“What does the cross change?

“Everything” is perhaps our knee jerk reaction. The cross changes everything. But that can’t be right when we worship an unchanging God. God did not change at the cross. He was perfectly just before the cross and remains perfectly just today and will be perfectly just forever. He was perfectly loving before the cross, he remains perfectly loving, and he will be perfectly loving forever. He was sovereign, is sovereign, and will be sovereign forever. God did not change at the cross.

I think to see what changed we have to go back much earlier than Jesus’ lifetime. We have to go back to Eden. God created a perfect garden with a man and a woman and plants and animals. It was an oasis, idyllic, peaceful. And by peaceful I don’t mean free from worry or stress. I mean the hearts of Adam and Eve were at peace with God. It’s hard to imagine that. Hard to imagine no shame, fear, uncertainty. Hard to imagine walking and talking with God, completely vulnerable, knowing you were free from any sort of culpability. Adam and Eve were at peace with God, each other, and themselves.

Then they went to war with God. And each of us makes that same decision, to go to war with God, to sin against him and against our nature as image-bearers. We do not choose peace or freedom, we choose war and shame, darkness and loneliness. When I say war I mean we declare that there must be bloodshed. There must be death. Sin is a declaration that we will not live as God intended. God intended perfect peace. He intended that we all walk with Him, unashamed, in the light. We sin and we disrupt that plan. We may not desire the outcome of that sin, which is death, but the outcome is unavoidable.

So Adam and Eve sinned and that perfect peace was shattered and the cross became inevitable. As we read through the Old Testament, the cross feels like it’s in every story. We see God using men and women to foreshadow what is to come, the perfect prophet, priest, judge, shepherd, and king. We read the Old Testament and we see all the plans God set in motion to reach the cross. What we see also is imperfection. Imperfect prophets, judges, shepherds, and kings. Imperfect sacrifices leading to imperfect relationships. God is with His people but they cannot be at peace with him like they were in the Garden.

So, does the cross take us backward, to Eden? No. There’s no going back to Eden. That’s not the plan.

The cross is the culmination of the battle that started in Eden. We declared war in the garden and Jesus Christ declared victory at the cross. Oh death, where is your sting? We can ask that because the battle is over. Jesus Christ conquered death and we who believe have the promise of eternal life, starting today.

It’s strange though. It doesn’t feel over. I don’t feel at peace. Not with God, or others, or myself. It feels like the battle is very much ongoing and it often feels like I’m losing. So, what has the cross really changed?

I’m reminded of my favorite passage in the Bible, which is where Jesus is walking on water and Peter calls out to Him and Jesus says come. It’s an amazing story in so many ways but I’m always struck by the fact that Peter sinks and, it seems, is going to drown. Even with Jesus standing right there, standing on water exhibiting power over nature, declaring he is God, Peter is sinking under the waves. Jesus saves him, of course. But I imagine Peter, while grateful, was a bit unnerved by the sinking part. I’m reminded of this story because the reality of this Earth is that, while God is sovereign and He has won the battle over death, we do not live in Eden. We do not live in the new heaven and new Earth. We are waiting for Jesus Christ to return and while we wait, we will struggle. We’ll perhaps almost drown as we try to walk with God. But because of the cross, we will walk as freely as Adam and Eve walked with God. Death no longer has a hold on us.

So, we have victory over death because of the cross, which is our hope for the future. But what do we cling to in this daily battle? What else does the cross give us today?

I’d like to talk about just one thing.

When God looked at His Son, He was pleased. It’s such an amazing thought. That God looked from heaven at a man and was pleased. Picture it. Jesus is a man on Earth and God looks at him and addresses him and says He is pleased with him. That’s what the cross changes for us. When God looks at you who believe, He does not see your sin, He sees Christ’s holiness. He sees you, an individual He created in your mother’s womb whom He has loved from the beginning of time. But instead of your sin, He sees Christ’s holiness. And He says, this is my daughter, in whom I am well pleased. This is my son, in whom I am well pleased. Imagine it. The sight of you pleases God. The cross means that we no longer have a broken and distorted relationship with God because we, unlike any person living before the cross, are holy in God’s eyes. No matter how putrid our sin is, no matter how many times we have declared war with God. For those who believe and repent, we can walk in the light, free from the burden of our sin. Like Adam and Eve, we walk with God in peace. Like Jesus, God looks at us and is pleased. I pray you can feel that today. Feel that God knows you, knows your name and your face and sees you and is as pleased to see you as He is to see His own Son. Not because you’re obedient or you are bursting with the fruit of the spirit. To believe that your good deeds can make up for putting Jesus Christ on the cross with your sin is folly. Our sin led to the death of God’s one and only begotten Son. We cannot make up for that with our good behavior. To try and do so is to deny Christ’s sacrifice.

The cross takes that burden away and replaces it with freedom. We are free to walk in peace with God and to know and feel that God is pleased with us because of the cross.

So what does the cross change? Us.” – Amanda, Good Friday reading, Sideris Church

We have the great knowledge of the risen Christ, but his followers, on that Saturday, only had dim recollection of his words of promise. Shrouded in grief, they found themselves quite “in between” – in between the death of their Savior and the life of his glorious promises.

Another dear friend of ours, Beth, shared this message by John Ortberg from a conference where he spoke on Black Saturday, well, “Saturdays” in general. He describes so well this day in between.

“Saturday – the day between the crucifixion and the resurrection. What do you think the disciples were doing on Saturday? Here they have seen their friend and their Master killed the day before but also have this vague promise, which probably seemed ludicrous at the time that he would rise again. Most of life is Saturday…It`s waiting in faith and hanging onto the promise that God is going to come through for us in spite of how bad things look. Most of life is Saturday. — I don`t know where you are this Holy Week. Maybe you`re in a Palm Sunday kind of mood wanting God to get on board with an agenda and maybe he will, but if he doesn’t, know that his plans are always good…Maundy Thursday means that God loves us no matter how dirty our uniform gets from the game of life. Maybe you`re in a Saturday kind of place – between a hard time and a promise you only half believe. Know this for sure that God`s Easter irony is still at work, and he can use even the worst tragedies for good, and he always has at least one more move left. No matter how bleak and dark Saturday gets, Sunday`s coming, and it`s coming sooner than you think. “ – John Ortberg

Photo Credit: IMB Resources

Saturday is the “in between day”. Did those who loved Jesus most remember this? Was their grief so consuming, so deafening to His promises, so numbing there was no room for hope? We have the great experience of knowing, for sure, that Sunday is coming!

Today is the waiting day.

We wait like schoolchildren for the final bell.

We wait with tapping foot, huffing breath, rolling eyes.

We wait like a mother for the gushing of birth water.

We wait like branches holding pink petaled secrets.

We wait with tears of frustration or eyes filled with anger.

We wait with tears of joy or eyes wide with wonder.

In the waiting rooms of life, our hope is mixed, our longings more so. But still, we wait. Forgive us for our impatience, Lord. We believe, help our unbelief.

We carry the sorrow of loss even as we hold on to hope of gain. We watch and we wait for your resurrection life. Even though we may not see the evidence, we wait with hope.

Because today is the waiting day. – Emily P. Freeman

The Day Jesus Stayed Dead – Waiting in the Heartache of Holy Saturday – Gerrit Scott Dawson, Desiring God

YouTube Video of John Ortberg on “Saturdays” – American Association of Christian Counselors Conference, October 2011 – So good!!! (starting 5 minutes in)

*My Jesus – Dead by Trevin Wax

On This Holy Saturday: Here at the End of All Things (Triduum Series) – Tea with Tolkien

YouTube Video – Jesus Paid It All (lyric video) – Fernando Ortega

YouTube Video – How Deep the Father’s Love For Us written by Stuart Townend – with David Wesley

YouTube Video with lyrics – In Christ Alone written by Stuart Townend & Keith Getty

Addictions, America, Attending or Focus, Attitude, Character, Community, Conversations, Courage, Critical Thinking, Cross-Cultural, Culture & Religion, Decision-making, Disciplines, Emotions, Fear, Finishing Strong, Forgiveness, Inspired, Jesus, Leadership, Lessons Learned, Lifelong Learning, Love Your Neighbor, Monday Morning, Monday Morning Moment, Pray, Reconciliation/Forgiveness, Transformational, Walk with God

Monday Moment Morning – How Can We Keep From Hating?

January 19, 2026 admindeb 1 Comment

Photo Credit: Heartlight

This weekend, we in the State of Virginia had our governor’s inauguration. It was another occasion of either relief and elation or concern and consternation. Our state and nation remains polarized in so many ways.

Can we disagree politically, philosophically, or ideologically…without hating each other?

We are in a season of hating or aligning with whole people groups. Maybe, in all of history, we have such seasons. A season where, if we aren’t careful, we hate a whole group of people or we love that same group, thereby putting us in grave opposition to the “haters”. At least, the news and social media platforms are telling us this is the case.

Whole people groups – be they Somalis, Afghans, Republicans, Democrats, Jews, Evangelical Christians. Whole people groups.

How can we keep from hating?

Maybe an even more core question: do we even want to keep from hating? What do we think is gained by hating another or a group of others?

Oddly, hating people can feel good. We feel justified in hating. Even morally superior. The dilemma here is that hating begets hating. Neuroplasticity is the process in our brain where negative thoughts, and resulting actions, become hard-wired, having a negative impact on our physical and mental health over time.

The Neuroscience of Hate: Why It Feels Good to Be Angry

The Power of Hate and Its Consequences – Andrew Mathews

I don’t want to simplify or downplay the reasons one might have to hate, but the devastating effects of it in our culture, community, families (and in our own brains) are worth taking a step back and considering.

Briefly, here are some actions to consider:

Call to mind the possibility that I hate someone/some peoples. “Check your heart” is a common refrain in my life. If I’m honest, are there persons/people whose actions, or personalities, offend me? Do my speech and attitude betray my hatred? Does this hatred feel justified? If so, do I give myself a pass for feeling such a strong negative emotion?
Consider what is below the surface of my hatred. Do I consider what I feel to be righteous anger? Is it righteous if it moves me toward hatred? In defending the rights of one group of people against another, am I committing the same injustice toward “the offending group” as I see being directed to the one I care more about? Or is fear what stirs me to hate? Or unfairness? We can have any number of reasons to hate. Addressing those reasons (with help, if necessary), brings our hatred more into the light. It doesn’t mean that we don’t seek change in the culture, but with greater care, compassion, and even empathy.
Seek understanding by leaning in to persons whose groups we are tempted to hate. Real, flesh-and-blood, face-to-face conversations can soften our tendency to hate. Asking questions, listening with care, resisting the temptation to argue, leaving the door open for understanding. This is a huge step toward stopping the hate. For those who pray, beginning to pray for that person can grease the tracks for you to love them – pray for her/his needs to be met, for protection and peace, for paths forward that don’t further divide us.

Photo Credit: QuoteFancy, Margaret Walker

8 Ideas for Managing Hatred – Michael Karson, Ph.D., J.D. – Psychology Today

4. Recognize that hating what is evil is different than hating people. Hatred dehumanizes people. Remember the persons with whom we disagree have children, parents, jobs, their own hopes, fears and strivings – just like us. They may even have a faith similar to ours…but the issue has overcome us/them and has pushed itself into paramount position. Extinguishing civility. We may actually agree on a wrong, if we acknowledge that we’re all trying to sort out the right path forward.

Photo Credit: Heartlight

5. For those of us who are believers, we have no leave to hate. For Christians, we are called by Christ Jesus to love even our enemies (Matthew 5:44). When hating becomes a habit, especially of a particular people group, we lose our way. Thinking it is almost our duty to hate. We have to guard against self-deceit.

Photo Credit: Heartlight

Peter D. Kaufman, brilliant and highly successful businessman, gives wise counsel in this for all of us: “Go positive and go first, and be constant in doing it.” Determine to love, resist hating, don’t wait for the other person, and in every conversation and encounter, be constant in this effort.

The Multi-disciplinary Approach to Thinking – Peter Kaufman

Young businessman, world-changer Mitchell Wilson recalls Kaufman’s use of the phrase mirrored reciprocation. How this applies is when we engage others with love, listening as we seek understanding, being gentle where we disagree, we often get the same responses in return.

Wilson writes: “Peter doesn’t go into this in his speech [above], but I can’t help but think of Jesus’s core teachings that relate to the principle of mirrored reciprocation:

Love your neighbor as yourself
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you
Forgive those who trespass against you
Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy
Turn the other cheek”

Mirrored Reciprocation: Peter Kaufman’s Profoundly Simple Insight That Helps You Achieve An Enjoyable Life | Blog

6. Don’t give up on developing the habit of loving instead of hating. This is definitely a spiritual disciple and a habit worthy of pursuing. Peter Kaufman also has counsel, from his talk above The most powerful force that could be potentially harnessed is dogged incremental constant progress over a very long time frame. We are going to have to fight against hating, especially if we have allowed it to take up real estate in our minds. However, as with anything worth mastering, the work needed to keep from hating will yield its fruit…if we don’t give up.

Photo Credit: Heartlight

[This blog was inspired by recent, terrible events in our country and also by the sermon at Movement Church yesterday. Our pastor Cliff unpacked Matthew 5:38-42 (YouTube video linked; image below) about showing radical love by resisting retaliation. Can’t wait for his sermon next week on “Love your Enemies” which may end up inspiring a Part 2 on this topic. Hope you stay with me for that one.]

Photo Credit: Heartlight

All Good Gifts, Brothers, Courage, Faithfulness, Fathers, Finishing Strong, Heaven, Inspired, Leadership, Legacy, Lessons Learned, Lifelong Learning, Memories, Relationships, Remembering, Thanksgiving or Gratefulness, Wednesday Worship, work, Worship

Worship Wednesday – Grieving and Celebrating – with the Help of Ullie Kaye Poetry

January 15, 2026 admindeb 4 Comments

Photo Credit: Heartlight

[Names withheld for privacy’s sake ]

The great transitions of life, as we get older, stagger us at times. This week we have experienced the death of a friend and the retirement of a faithful worker. It has given pause to reflect on their lives and remember how valuable life, work, and relationships are.

Our friend who died earlier this week is also part of our family, being the dad to our sweet daughter-in-law. His parting was too sudden, the result of cancer that took an aggressive turn just in a matter of weeks. We share grandchildren with him. He is dear to them, and, thusly, dear to us.

We are thankful for the time we have had with him but wanted more. He longed for more time with these little grands, but what he had would have to suffice. He had a generous heart and they knew him that way. They prayed for him every day which moved us to pray better for him.

His passing is still shocking for us, happening so quickly, but we take comfort in this Bible verse: “Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6)

Photo Credit: Ullie Kaye Poetry, Facebook

[Grandpa and his two precious grands]

[Dad, beloved Daughter & Son-in-law]

Photo Credit: Ullie Kaye Poetry, Facebook

Photo Credit: Scars in Heaven, Deb Mills Writer

The other transition in life that was halting to us was the retirement of a long-time friend. Over 30 years in international work. He and his amazing wife have been so faithful and focused in the work that God gave them. No “looking back over the plow” (Luke 9:62) for these two. Retirement will definitely advance differently in this friend’s life. His boss even said, on his retirement, “The Energizer bunny only has an on/off switch”. No real slow down for this one until God says (way, way down the road hopefully) “Well done, good and faithful servant”.

[On one of his many adventures some call work]

[Our “retiring friend” and his awesome wife who is his counterpart – strong, kind, and loving – a true partner in the work]

Photo Credit: Ullie Kaye Poetry, Facebook

Ullie Kaye Poetry has been a constant read for me this week in grieving and celebrating. She clearly knows the experience of grieving, and of celebrating people we love, and of honoring the God who “carries mountains”.

[This friend and our daughter who has known his influence]

[Friends & Family celebrating his life’s work]

Photo Credit: Ullie Kaye Poetry, Facebook

These two men – different and yet similar – loved and appreciated. We will miss the one until Heaven. We will miss the other as they move away to another work. We hold both in our hearts and will never forget what we have learned and gained from each. God is good…all the time.

Photo Credit: Ullie Kaye Poetry, Facebook

Abuse, All Good Gifts, Anger, Attending or Focus, Attitude, Books, Brothers, Communication, Conversations, Courage, Critical Thinking, Culture & Religion, Decision-making, Faithfulness, Fathers, Finishing Strong, Forgiveness, fresh start, Grace, Healing, Inspired, Jesus, Kindness, Lessons Learned, Lifelong Learning, Lives Full of God, Love, Love Your Neighbor, Monday Morning, Monday Morning Moment, Pray, Reconciliation/Forgiveness, Redeeming & Restoring, Relationships

Monday Morning Moment – Offense Revisited

January 12, 2026 admindeb Leave a comment

[Adapted from the Archives – Monday Morning Moment – Offense, Being Offended, and Taking Up Offense]

Processing thoughts on the difficult subject of offending and being offended, a song drifts into my hearing from Dave’s office. He is riding his bike (on a trainer) to a playlist that matches his ride (slow/fast/slow). This particular song pounding into my head is rock band The Eagles‘ Get Over It. [Dave will also pull that song up on the occasion he recognizes he’s having a pity party.]

I’ve had some great friends in my life who have spoken reason to me in times when something said or done to me (or to someone I cared about) offended. “Get over it!” was actually a helpful “slap” into reality for me. Reminds me of that old commercial, “Thanks! I needed that.”

The motivation for this piece is walking alongside people I love who have been deeply offended and don’t see a way to get past it. Offenses are hard, especially if they seem intentional.

We still have a choice. We can choose not to be offended…whether it felt the seeming offense was directed toward us or we are tempted to take up offense for another.

Author Desirée M. Mondesir writes a “slap to the face” piece on our culture’s move to looking for and taking up offense. It’s especially fascinating to me because she refers to a student revolt at Yale University. Having taught there years ago, I can see this gradual evolution from reason to riot. It’s a stunning change in society and we are none immune to it.

A Sign of the Last Days – Offense – Desirée M. Mondesir

Mondesir refers to this cultural shift as being a sign of end times.

“And then many will be offended, will betray one another, and will hate one another. Then many false prophets will rise up and deceive many. And because lawlessness will abound, the love of many will grow cold. But he who endures to the end shall be saved.” – Jesus – Matthew 24:10-13

Sure sounds like today’s culture, in the US anyway.

Writer and counselor John Bevere has written a fascinating book on offense entitled The Bait of Satan: Living Free From the Deadly Trap of Offense. The title put me off at first but in reading it, the whole issue of offense is highlighted as something that turns us inward and keeps us from healthy relationships with one another and with God. When you think about it, Eve, in the first pages of the Torah/Old Testament [Genesis 3:2-7], was the first of humankind to act in offense. In her conversation with the Serpent tempter, she reacted to the Serpent’s suggestion, questioning the instruction (and the goodness) of God. To me, it demonstrates her taking offense that she would be drawn into Satan’s ruse. Even acting in rebellion, presuming God didn’t mean good toward her. She decided for herself to eat from the tree (the one tree God had forbidden), and the consequences of her choosing continue to today.

What could Eve have done differently? She could have trusted God’s heart toward her. If she fell into doubt (through Satan’s cunning argument), she could have sought out the Creator first before she acted on a lie.

When Eve acted in this way, and took the bait, we can see how we, too, can be drawn in – becoming disoriented by someone’s words or deeds, and forgetting what is really the truth of the matter. Our emotions fly away with us, and we bind ourselves in the chains of offense.

Joe Levi puts it this way:

“Someone else cannot “offend” you – however, you can choose whether or not to take offense at something someone says or does.

Someone else cannot make you mad, happy, sad, or offended – you, and you alone can control how you react to the world around you.

Learn and apply that one relatively simple lesson, and you’ll be much happier in life.”

We may not be able to choose our immediate emotion over a word or action perceived as against us, but we can develop a habit or discipline to determine NOT to take offense.

Currently, the news media is having a hey-day with sound-bytes and interviews hand-picked to incite offense.

We can choose not to take the bait.

Photo Credit: Quote Fancy, Bryant Mcgill

As for personal situations, people who offend do not always mean to offend. [I don’t say this lightly. Of course, there are those who do. I also am not talking about abuse here. That is a whole other topic, but the principles still apply.] No one knows truly what’s inside us that gives us struggle, not even ourselves. Like the Mcgill quote states, it’s only in our response that we discover that which is still unresolved. Reacting in self-defense or in counter-attack mode brings more hurt. “Hurt people hurt people.” With practice, I can determine not to carry hurt away from a conversation or interaction.

In situations between two people, we can choose not to be offended, but how do we deal with the offense?

Advisor Charles H. Green describes the offender and the offended. He gives excellent counsel in his article Being Offensive vs. Being Offended – and Trust:

The offender communicates disrespect. A social violation occurs. Two people are involved and the resolution of that interaction requires input from both of them. When the one offended determines to engage in good faith, trying to seek understanding and rebuild trust, s/he may actually discover the intent of the offending person. A misunderstanding or an action following a perceived threat on the part of the offender may be the issue rather than an intent to hurt.
On the side of the one offended, this is not a social situation. It is deeply personal. Only the one offended knows the extent of the offending words/actions. For this reason, the offended person can refuse to think ill of the offender…and not take offense. Then take steps toward reconciliation or, if that’s not possible, make a personal decision not to be hurt by that person. This is not easy…especially at first in training one’s responses.
“The answer is a little paradoxical: We should strive not to offend or disrespect others. At the same time, we should also strive to not feel offended, or disrespected, for long. In other words, we should strive to be kind socially, and to feel free psychologically.”
Forgiveness opens the door wide to reconciliation. Forgiveness can defuse the hurt. Boundaries may come into play, but if the boundaries are built out of fear, dread, anger, or hatred, we are still not free from offense.

My biological father abandoned us long before my mom left him (before my sixth birthday). I saw him only twice after that. For years, I wrote him letters with no response, and then I stopped. My love for him grew cold. If he had any sense of needing forgiveness or asking for forgiveness, I don’t know. He died before I told him I forgave him. Every time this comes to mind, forgiving him is revisited. That’s a regret for me. However, I know the beautiful experience of forgiving a long-played offense from my older brother. Robert, who had deep pain of his own, struck out at others. My response for years was being offended at him or taking up an offense for other family members. It wasn’t pretty. Then, thanks to the wisdom and honesty of friends, I came to my senses on his offenses and my reactions. No more taking up an offense when Robert attacked…and the attacks died. He and I became closer than we had ever been over our lives. In fact, he gentled in his relationship with our siblings also. Those brief years (which could have been more if I had understood sooner) were great blessings (hopefully to both of us). When he died suddenly in his 60s, I carried no regrets. #Unoffendable #Forgiveness – I forgave him and he forgave me…without the words but walking out forgiveness with each other. So much grace in that.

Photo Credit: Unoffendable, Brant Hansen

Thoughts?

Being Offensive vs. Being Offended – and Trust – Charles H. Green

Unoffendable: How Just One Change Can Make All of Life Better – Brant Hansen

What Is the Difference of Being Offended and Harmed? – Robert Enright

Stop Being Offended Today: 3 Cures for Everything That Irritates You – Bill Apablasa

Forgiving in Two Dimensions – Peace Pursuit

Mel Robbins on the “The Let Them Theory” – Sarah Fielding

Photo Credit: Brant Hansen, Unoffendable, Pinterest

All Good Gifts, Attending or Focus, Christmas, Church, Community, Faithfulness, Finishing Strong, Forgiveness, fresh start, God the Father, Gospel, Grace, Healing, Inspired, Jesus, Lessons Learned, Lives Full of God, Love, Love Your Neighbor, Music, Neighbors, New Year, Pray, Rebellion and Sin, Reconciliation/Forgiveness, Redeeming & Restoring, Thanksgiving or Gratefulness, Transformational, Walk with God, Wednesday Worship, Worship

Worship Wednesday – Make Room – The Church Will Sing

January 8, 2026 admindeb Leave a comment

Photo Credit: Heartlight

“See to it that no one takes you captive through philosophy and empty deception, which are based on human tradition and the spiritual forces of the world rather than on Christ.…When you were dead in your trespasses and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our trespasses, having canceled the debt ascribed to us in the decrees that stood against us. He took it away, nailing it to the cross! And having disarmed the powers and authorities, He made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross.” – Colossians 2:8, 13-14

“Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.” – James 4:7-8

“Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” – Matthew 6:21

Last night, a small group of women gathered in a dimly light room in a church in Richmond. I was there. Just down the hall an Alcohol Anonymous meeting was also being held. In the quiet of that space, the Lord came close.

We had been prompted earlier in the day by the young woman who spearheaded this prayer force that we would spend part of the evening in confession and repentance. It put me to thinking on what in my life needed confessing and repented of.

We each poured our hearts out to a faithful Father, who is ever ready to forgive, restore, and empower us to walk the way of Christ. My confessions centered on the struggle with keeping my eyes on Him and trusting Him in the complications of life. I confessed a lack of love and a timidity that keeps me from sharing Christ. I also prayed against the things that stand in the way of my focusing on Him, of surrendering wholly to Him. Those idols and counterfeit gods that steal us away from being near to the Lord.

It was a tender time of prayer, talking to God and listening to these other precious women doing the same. We prayed beyond our own need for forgiveness but also for our neighbors and our nation. For the world. For those in our lives most vulnerable to Satan’s arrows in hard marriages and hospital beds.

We sang a song together as part of our gathering. This time I didn’t know the song, but it was perfect for our time together. It was Make Room by a group called The Church Will Sing. In a way it is audacious that we have to “make room” for the Creator of this world to do what He wants to do in our lives. Yet, He doesn’t push in. He is close but waits for us to open the door to our hearts for Him to come in and change everything! Hallelujah!

Photo Credit: Heartlight

Worship with me:

[Verse 1]
Here is where I lay it down
Every burden, every crown
This is my surrender
This is my surrender
Here is where I lay it down
Every lie and every doubt
This is my surrender

[Chorus]
And I will make room for You
To do whatever You want to
To do whatever You want to
And I will make room for You
To do whatever You want to
To do whatever You want to, oh

[Verse 1]
Here is where I lay it down
Every burden, every crown
This is my surrender
This is my surrender
Here is where I lay it down
Every lie and every doubt
This is my surrender

[Chorus]
And I will make room for You
To do whatever You want to
To do whatever You want to, Jesus
And I will make room for You, for You
To do whatever You want to
To do whatever You want to
Oh, I will make room for You, Jesus
To do whatever You want to
To do whatever You want to
Oh, I will make room for You
To do whatever You want to
To do whatever You want to, Jesus

[Spontaneous]
Have Your way, have Your way, Jesus, oh
We surrender all, we surrender all, Jesus
Have Your way, Jesus, have Your way, Jesus

[Bridge]
Shake up the ground of all my tradition
Break down the walls of all my religion
Your way is better
Oh, Your way is better
Shake up the ground of all my tradition
Break down the walls of all my religion
Your way is better, Jesus
Oh, Your way is better
Shake up the ground of all my tradition
Break down the walls of all my religion
Your way is better, Jesus
Your way is better
Shake up the ground of all my tradition
Break down the walls of all my religion
Your way is better
Oh, Your way is better

[Chorus]
And I will make room for You
To do whatever You want to
To do whatever You want to
And I will make room for You
To do whatever You want to
To do whatever You want to, oh

[Verse 2]
Here is where I lay it down
You are all I’m chasing now
This is my surrender
This is my surrender
Here is where I lay it down
You are all I’m chasing now
This is my surrender
This is my surrender*

*Lyrics to “Make Room” – Songwriters: Josh Farro, Evelyn Heideriqui, Lucas Cortazio & Rebekah White

Make Room – Behind the Lyrics – Malia Rogers

P.S. Below you will find two other songs I discovered with the titles “Make Room”. Enjoy!

Photo Credit: YouTube, Jonathan McReynolds – Make Room

YouTube Video – Jonathan McReynolds – Make Room [Lyric Video]

Make Room – Jonathan McReynolds – Daniel Ploof

Make Room – A Devo by Mark Hall From Casting Crowns

All Good Gifts, Attending or Focus, Bible, Books, Decision-making, Finishing Strong, fresh start, Grace, Habits, Inspired, Jesus, Lessons Learned, Life Skills, Lifelong Learning, Lives Full of God, Monday Morning, Monday Morning Moment, Pray, Productivity, Purpose, Rest, Service, Time Management, Walk with God, Word of God

Monday Morning Moment – Word for the New Year – Focus

January 5, 2026 admindeb 1 Comment

Photo Credit: Heartlight, James Houston quote

[Adapted from the Archives]

I have set the LORD always before me; because he is at my right hand, I [we] will not be shaken. – Psalm 16:8

You, [Lord], will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You. – Isaiah 26:3

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. – Jeremiah 19:11-13

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize of God’s heavenly calling in Christ Jesus. – Philippians 3:12-14

Now we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this surpassingly great power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on all sides, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed…knowing that the One who raised the Lord Jesus will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in His presence… Therefore we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, yet our inner self is being renewed day by day…For our light and momentary affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory that is far beyond comparison. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. – 2 Corinthians 4:7-18

New Year’s Resolutions have been a long-time habit for me. I actually find them very helpful in steering my life into the next year. More intentional, more thoughtful. It doesn’t matter to me if those resolutions don’t get me to whatever goal I set…they have always gotten me a bit closer, a bit farther down the road. In 2017, pastor Cliff at Movement Church challenged us to commit to some resolutions to the Lord…together [podcast of 12/31/2017 here]. That was such a pivotal exercise that I have kept those same resolutions, made that day, in a visible place, to be reminded of those Godly habits, and the struggle to walk in them… Still in view…eight years out. Still relevant to now.

Then in 2020, I read Debbie Macomber‘s book One Perfect Word. It is not the same practice as setting resolutions in motion, but it is a discipline of seeking one word to set the tone for the coming year.

In 2021, my word was “compassion”. In 2022, it was “joy”. “Wonder” in 2023. “Strong” in 2024, when feeling weak was the norm that year. This past year, in a season of medical challenges, my word was “trust”.

Choosing a word for the year gives a sense of direction like I’ve not experienced in the past. It’s a target toward which I take aim or correct my aim. Each year, the Lord seems to direct me (can’t be certain, but it feels like Him) to a word to set in my heart and mind. A marker in my walk with God. In recent weeks, the word that has come to mind for 2026 has been focus. In fact, I’ve seen it repeatedly communicated in Scripture during my quiet time (see verses above) and in every day conversations and sightings (like the cap below in a thrift store).

My whole adult life, I’ve dealt with distractedness. To the point of thinking it could be ADD (attention deficit disorder). Starting strong and then dwindling in my interest and resolve. Distracted by the needs around me (which isn’t a bad thing). Struggling to stay on task. As I approach my 75th birthday (crazy, right?!), the Lord has reminded me that He doesn’t see my distractability as a weakness. It is just part of who I am, and He can mold it into something beautiful and useful to the Kingdom, when I stay focused on Him…and His nature.

Photo Credit: Heartlight

This will be my challenge and delight in 2026. To start with Him each day, to focus (and refocus) on Him through the day, and to finish the day, not in defeat because of any failures or unfinished tasks, but resting in His presence and peace. Eyes on Him, not on me.

Here we go, 2026. As the Scripture above prompts. The LORD always before me. My mind stayed on Him. Seeking Him with my whole heart. Pressing on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Fixing my eyes on what is unseen. Running the race marked out for me.

Postscript:

Twentieth-century Quaker Thomas Kelly wrote, “Over the margins of life comes a whisper, a faint call, a premonition of richer living which we know we are passing by. We have hints that there is a way of life vastly richer and deeper than all this hurried existence, a life of unhurried serenity and peace and power. If only we could slip over into that Center! If only we could find the Silence which is the source of sound!”

Lord, withYour coming, our lives have a greater demand placed upon them. Help us learn the art of active, consistent service while maintaining enough silent spaces to hear Your call. Amen. commonprayer.net.

Photo Credit: Heartlight

Photo Credit: Heartlight

Monday Morning Moment – Word for the New Year – Trust – the Object of Our Trust Matters – Deb Mills – [quick review of how a Word of the Year became a habit in my life]

The Focused Christian – Craig Meeker – practical primer to the focused life

The Focused Christian

America, Anger, Attitude, Books, Character, Community, Conversations, Culture & Religion, Faithfulness, Family, Finishing Strong, Forgiveness, fresh start, Friends, Grief and Loss, Jesus, Kindness, Leadership, Lessons Learned, Lives Full of God, Love, Love Your Neighbor, Monday Morning, Monday Morning Moment, Neighbors, Pray, Reconciliation/Forgiveness, Redeeming & Restoring, Relationships, Social Media, Walk with God

Monday Morning Moment – Anger, Contempt, & Forgiveness

November 10, 2025 admindeb Leave a comment

Photo Credit: Heartlight

[Turns out I’ve written about contempt several times – if you can set aside some time – you can reference these as well.]

I have a dear friend who differs with me on much of our country’s current politics and policies. However, we continue to be close. Some intentionality in both of us must be at work. No matter who won the elections last week or who’s responsible for the latest government shut-down, whatever our thoughts are on these subjects, our friendship stands. Though our solutions to the ailments of our nation may not align, our hearts resonate with each other. Neither of us holds the other in contempt over these external issues. In fact, conversations with her always increase my understanding of these stressful situations and lead to great compassion for those in the midst of those situations.

This is not always the case in family and friendships.

Some of the postings on my social media in recent days have been riddled with anger “at the other side”, whatever that entails. These are friends in real life. Decent, caring people. However, there seems to be an imperative these days to point out the bad behaviors of others, those considered political enemies. Not just behavior but character. One side devaluing the other. Anger, maybe even righteous anger in the beginning, too often progresses to disgust, or worse contempt.

Photo Credit: Heartlight

Anger is a negative emotion that confronts an action/behavior of another (peer or peer group). Contempt takes anger to a lower, darker place. Contempt demonstrates superiority as it simultaneously dismisses and devalues the other person or group, seeing her/them as inferior. It dehumanizes.

“Anger and contempt are the twin scourges of the earth, these bitter emotions form the poisonous brew in which human existence stands suspended. Few people ever get free of them in this life, and for most of us even old age does not bring relief. To cut off the root of anger is to wither the tree of human evil.” – Dallas Willard, The Divine Conspiracy p. 151

Photo Credit: Psychology Spot

It’s slow going, but I am learning not to allow contempt to gain space in my mind and heart. Like other negative emotions, contempt doesn’t only poison relationships but it poisons the mind of the one who entertains contempt.

John Murdock writes on this subject:

“Willard argued that in the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus was not just pulling marbles from a bag, presenting individual gems of wisdom that could be considered independently. Instead, the order of the presentation mattered greatly. “It is the elimination of anger and contempt,” he asserted, “that [Jesus] presents as the first and fundamental step toward the rightness of the kingdom heart.”

Conversely, today it is the systematic elevation of anger and contempt that is often rewarded across the political spectrum.”

Then, yesterday, we had this incredible teaching on anger and forgiveness at Movement Church. Pastor Cliff powerfully preached on Matthew 5:21-24:

“You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.’ But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire. So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First, be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.”

Cliff talked about how God’s law has affected morality across the world – most of us get through life without murdering anyone. However, Jesus revealed how, if unchecked, our thoughts and words (be they face-to-face or written in social media) can have murderous impact.

We may think we’re doing the world a good service by pointing out the wrong thinking and actions of others. However, if we lack care for them, if we lack compassion or love, our words draw deep lines dividing us. Tall, thick impenetrable walls between us. And, God forbid, we don’t even care? I’m asking.

Jesus pointed to anger and contempt as deterrents to worship. If we care about being right with God, then we have to confront our part in being wrong with people. We may feel offended and then justified in our reaction to another person/group’s behavior, but acting in anger or contempt hurts everyone involved. Everyone.

One day, maybe our culture will shift to being more kind and long-suffering with each other. Being curious, seeking to understand, leaning in rather than being repelled. Until that day, or if that day never comes, what kind of person do I want to be? What do I want to practice in front of my family…my friends, my neighbors…even my enemies?

What is Contempt? An Intense Feeling Under a Mask of Coldness – Psychology Spot – an extremely helpful resource

Monday Morning Moment – Contempt Revisited – Deb Mills

What Is Contempt – Paul Ekman

Moving Beyond Chronic Resentment and Anger in Relationships – Steven Stosny, Ph.D.

Is Contempt a Form of Anger?

Monday Morning Moment – the Culture of Contempt and How to Change It…or At Least Yourself Within It – Deb Mills

Monday Morning Moment – Contempt is Cancer in the Workplace…and Any Other Place – Deb Mills

Disdain, Dallas Willard, and Donald Trump – John Murdock

Photo Credit: Heartlight

All Good Gifts, Cancer, Character, Community, Conversations, Emotions, Faithfulness, Finishing Strong, Glory of God, Grace, Grief and Loss, Healing, Heaven, Inspired, Jesus, Lessons Learned, Lifelong Learning, Lives Full of God, Love, Love Your Neighbor, Mom, Monday Morning, Monday Morning Moment, Mothers, Music, Pray, Purpose in Life, Relationships, Remembering, steadfast love, Thanksgiving or Gratefulness, Walk with God

Monday Morning Moment – Finishing Strong – On the 23rd Anniversary of Mom’s Glorious Homegoing

November 3, 2025 admindeb 6 Comments

Mom and me, Tennessee Christmas

[Adapted from the Archives]

We have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed – always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. – 2 Corinthians 4:7-10

My Mom was a young 72 when she was diagnosed with cancer. We were overseas at the time, and I wanted so to be home with her. She was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma – at the time, supposedly “the best kind of cancer you can have”. Highly treatable. Long remissions. Often cured. Mom would die after 3 years of intensive, and sometimes experimental, chemotherapy. She never caught a break. Yet, she didn’t look at it that way.

Her journey with God in those days was other-worldly. The Mom I knew loved to serve people, and cancer would not stop that. She had grown up poor and with a dad who could be mean when he drank. She dreamed of college but it was never meant to be. Instead she became a student of life, and she never tired of that. She was a beautiful blend of Mary and Martha – wholly satisfied whether “sitting at the feet of Jesus” or serving the needs of those around her. I love that she was my Mom.

She taught me how to live…and she taught me how to die. We were home in the States when Mom’s cancer finished its course in her. She stubbornly guarded her time at home and had the will and the support (of my Dad, family and friends) to endure from home…and there was God, holding her tight against the storm.

Mom never prayed for healing, but we did. Mom prayed that this cancer, the illness and all that was part of it (including a devastating Shingles-related neuralgia), would bring glory to God. Her prayer was answered, and ours, ultimately, in Heaven.

Her dying took three days. If you had known my Mom, you knew a person that was all about life – helping and encouraging others, pointing them to God, determined, in faith, to make sense of what seemed utter nonsense. She continued to be about that until she went into a coma the last day. While she was awake that final weekend, I asked her (over and again) how she was. One time, I remember, she nodded a bit, and whispered, “I’m O.K.” It was her face that spoke volumes. Forehead lifted, blue eyes bright, an almost sunny expression. That “I’m O.K.” was accompanied by an almost delighted look of marvel…of wonder. Like, “Wow! I really am O.K.!” God was meeting her at the point of her greatest need.

Mom and I have always had amazing talks about the deep things of God and life. She told me one time that she envied us our certainty of His call to a life overseas. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard God speak so clearly to me,” she lamented. In the last days of her life, it came to me to ask her if she heard God speak to her lately. She answered right away, with that same look of wonder, “All the time!” If cancer had to be the instrument of such grace, then it became a gift to her.

Mom entered Eternity during the reading of 2 Corinthians 4:7-10 (see above). Her young pastor and his wife came unexpectedly that evening, rushing in, wide-eyed, as if on a mission. We brought them back to her room, and they sat with us, around her bed. She had been unresponsive all day. Her pastor opened his Bible and began reading. Mom had this sweet habit of knitting her forehead and shaking her head, in response to something that touched her heart. As he read, after being quiet and still all day, she knit her forehead and breathed her last. We all felt transfigured in that moment.

Tomorrow marks 23 years since Mom went to be with the Lord, and I miss her today and every day. She was so spent when she left us, yet gloriously whole at the same time. A bit of prose from Henry Van Dyke always comes to mind in thinking of her Homegoing.

Gone From My Sight by Henry Van Dyke

Photo Credit: Curt Ellis

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side, spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then, someone at my side says, “There, she is gone.”

Gone where?

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast,
hull and spar as she was when she left my side.
And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me — not in her.

And, just at the moment when someone says, “There, she is gone,”
there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices
ready to take up the glad shout, “Here she comes!”

Mom taught us how to live…and she taught us how to die. She “fought the good fight…finished the race…and kept the faith.” (2 Timothy 4:7). For us, there is still a race to be run.

Thanks, Mom, for showing us how it’s done. See you at the Finish Line.

When it’s all been said and done
There is just one thing that matters:
Did I do my best to live for truth, did I live my life for You?
When it’s all been said and done
All my treasures will mean nothing
Only what I’ve done for love’s reward
Will stand the test of time.

Lord, Your mercy is so great
That You look beyond our weakness
And find purest gold in miry clay
Making sinners into saints

I will always sing Your praise
Here on earth and ever after
For You’ve shown me Heaven’s my true home
When it’s all been said and done
You’re my life when life is gone.

Lord I’ll live my life for You.

Mom’s Irises

YouTube Video – When It’s All Been Said and Done

Monday Morning Moment – Mom – a Lifetime Full of Love Notes – Her Birthday Just Ahead of Valentine’s Day – Deb Mills

Mother’s Day – On Mothering and Grandmothering – a Life of Love, Launching, and Lifting to God – Deb Mills

Her Children Arise and Call Her Blessed – Charles Spurgeon’s reflections on a Godly mother