“Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, goodwill toward men!” – Luke 2:14
For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given, and the government will be upon His shoulders. And He will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of His government and peace there will be no end. He will reign on the throne of David and over his kingdom, to establish and sustain it with justice and righteousness from that time and forevermore. The zeal of the LORD of Hosts will accomplish this. – Isaiah 9:6-7
Be angry, and do not sin; ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent. Selah. Offer right sacrifices, and put your trust in the Lord. In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety. – Psalm 4:4-5, 8
I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you. Be not like a horse or a mule, without understanding, which must be curbed with bit and bridle, or it will not stay near you. Many are the sorrows of the wicked, but steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the Lord. Be glad in the Lord, and rejoice, O righteous, and shout for joy, all you upright in heart! – Psalm 32:8-11
Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all.If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” – Romans 12:17-19
[From the Archives: One week ago this morning, I woke to the results of the 2024 US presidential election. Before going to bed in the early hours of today, I prayed, wanting to trust the outcome to Him. Wanting to believe Him for whatever direction our country would go. Affirming that the Scripture validates that He is sovereign, and we are in His care.]
October is near, and in our home, it begins the season of Christmas music. So many beautiful anthems to the glory of God – the month of December is not enough to listen, sing, and meditate on the message of these words written by inspired authors and composers.
As this week has unfolded around our nation, social media and news outlets are filled with a range of both shock and jubilation. Of fear and relief. We continue a nation divided…for now. May the church not be a vessel of division…but an instrument of God’s peace.
In December, 1863, American poet and scholar Henry W. Longfellow received his wounded son home from battle. It was Christmas time, and the U.S. Civil War raged on. Having already lost his wife years earlier, Longfellow nursed his son, Charley, back to health. His own thoughts, in turmoil over all that was happening around him, he poured out in the poem “Christmas Bells”.
Longfellow clearly took comfort from God as he wrote, ending the poem with this stanza:
“God is not dead, nor doth He sleep; The Wrong shall fail, The Right prevail, With peace on earth, good-will to men.”*
I Heard the Bells is a Christmas carol, not a worship anthem. Yet, given the continuing wars of our day, and the politics surrounding them, we must tend the fires of our hope. God is the “lifter of our heads” (Psalm 3:3). He is the One who gives strength to our “weak hands and shaking knees” (Isaiah 35:3). He will do as He’s promised. He is faithful. When you hear the bells ring where you are in the wake of this past week, and as Christmas looms in weeks ahead, take heart in that. We must continue to pray for His peace on earth. We can be vessels of His good-will toward our neighbors, both near and far away.
Leaning into “the right [to] prevail” is where we stand, as Christ-followers. Straight and resolute in our understanding of God’s intentions and His movement in our world. We can resist and refuse to add to the noise of hopelessness and cynicism in this world. We bend our hearts to hear the voice of God speak through the chaos…speaking the peace that only He can bring…through our Savior and Lord, Jesus Christ. We can speak that peace to our neighbor – the truth wrapped in His love.
I heard the bells on Christmas day Their old familiar carols play And mild and sweet their songs repeat Of peace on earth good will to men
And the bells are ringing (Peace on Earth) Like a choir they’re singing (Peace on Earth) In my heart I hear them Peace on earth, good will to men
And in despair I bowed my head There is no peace on earth I said For hate is strong and mocks the song Of peace on earth, good will to men
But the bells are ringing (Peace on Earth) Like a choir singing (Peace on Earth) Does anybody hear them? Peace on earth, good will to men
Then rang the bells more loud and deep God is not dead, nor doth He sleep (Peace on Earth, peace on Earth) The wrong shall fail, the right prevail With peace on earth, good will to men
Then ringing singing on its way
The world revolved from night to day A voice, a chime, a chant sublime Of peace on earth, good will to men
And the bells they’re ringing (Peace on Earth) Like a choir they’re singing (Peace on Earth) And with our hearts we’ll hear them Peace on earth, good will to men
Do you hear the bells they’re ringing? (Peace on Earth) The life the angels singing (Peace on Earth) Open up your heart and hear them (Peace on Earth) Peace on earth, good will to men
Peace on earth, Peace on earth Peace on earth, Good will to men*
[Dave’s Mom, Our Adult Kids, Dave & Me – Not all the grands are on social media – but they begin the next generation of our family.]
I want to write about family…well, this family right here. In fact, I want to write a letter to them. Feel free to read along.
Dear Family,
Yesterday was a sweet time celebrating our September birthday guys – Dave & Nathan. Father & First Son. You both are so dear to all of us.
To you siblings and siblings-in-law, I love you so much. In the early years, I had this wild idea about how, while we live in the same city, we would get together weekly – like for Sunday dinner – like in the TV show Blue Bloods.
[Blue Bloods – read the short piece on how their weekly family gatherings shaped the show and character relationships.]
We don’t get together weekly, and that’s ok. When we do get together, it can be loud and opinionated, just like that TV family. However, it’s always rich – food for thought as well as body. Hope you leave each time, not just with a full tummy but, with the refreshed understanding of how much you are loved. Not just by Dad and me but by your siblings.
[I’m a faithful documenter of people and special events. Always working on their patience. It means a lot when everyone cues up and smiles, but occasionally someone doesn’t feel like it…and that’s ok.]
To our youngest: I know being the baby of the family can get old, especially when you find yourself in your mid-30s. Hopefully you know that your opinions matter to your family. We want to know what you think… always. It made me sad that you were suffering from a headache through most of the meal yesterday. Please take heart that although we all don’t always agree on everything, we are grounded in love for each other. That’s priority and it will never change. Ever. I want to thank you for loving your family, too. You don’t have to show up and yet you do. There is a measure of hard in your life, different from ours, which would be easy for you to stay focused on. It gives us immeasurable joy when you are able to shake off the hard and laugh about “the old days”, tease your siblings and absorb their ribbing, and love on your nieces and nephews. It’s also no small thing how you serve us (me) – baking and straightening.
[Lots of Sibling Love Right Here]
To the married siblings and their spouses: You have incredibly busy lives, and yet for those hours when we are together for the odd special occasion, time slows. You are present. You are engaged. You are yourselves. The flow of conversation is easy and animated. You roll with the skirmishes between little cousins and you parent them all so well. I hope you know how much you are loved. As your Dad (Dad-in-law) and I get older, we are so grateful for how you hang in there with us and each other. Family estrangement is so prevalent in our world today, but so far, we have weathered the storms. Your commitment to our family is something we do NOT take for granted.
[The Guys]
[The Big Sister & the Little Brother]
To any who are reading: all families are different. Within each family, there are tremendous differences in temperaments, preferences, and even worldview. Ruptures can happen and repair is hard to come by. Our Sunday birthday dinner reminded me of things learned over the last few years:
We can make a place of safety and security for those we live.
When we are only around people who agree with us, we experience an echo chamber of affirmation. When we experience dissonant voices from those who love us, we learn how to better love those different from us.
In a rowdy family discussion, we still probably agree more than we disagree. Take an inventory on that from time to time. How do we affirm each other even when we don’t agree?
Lead with curiosity and empathy. If contempt is stirred up, recognize it for the destroyer of relationships it is, and take steps against it (see here).
Remember life is messy. Family is messy. We may prefer our lives (and families) to “look” a certain way, but it’s healthier for us to be real and honest with each other. “The human mind doesn’t have the capacity to live a life so curated” (convo with friend/counselor Taryn Blocker).
Flexibility is a character quality we all need to navigate relationships when people are crossing our boundaries. Flexibility, humility, and forgiveness. It’s going to happen, especially in family. Respecting boundaries goes both ways and takes both self-care and other-care. Or relationships break down.
What else? What would you add to those list? Please share in comments.
[The original three & me]
I am very thankful for this family. With all our warts. Not unlike any other family out there. So thankful for the relationships these siblings have with each other, and for the littles with their sibling and cousin relationships. Check out these beautiful reels from Instagram on the topic.
Finally, I’d like to just mention psychiatrist Dr. Gabor Maté‘s opinion on how all children grow up in different families with different parents. He justifies that thinking about how we, as parents, change and evolve in our thinking on parenting, with each child, and our children are all different from each other. We may even use the same practices but our children react differently to them. The old adage” of “caught or taught” would bring meaning to this as well.
“Siblings may grow up in the same house, but that doesn’t mean their childhoods were the same. Not even close.
Same parents? Nope. Same family? Nope. Same childhood? Absolutely not.
Parents show up differently for each child depending on the season of their life, their relationship, and even their financial situation.
It’s not about who is loved more. It’s about how that love is expressed — and how each child experiences it.
Then, to those amazing adult children, add spouses, careers, and varied life experiences to the equation, and we continue to have the wonder of family – familiar and yet also new and changing. It makes for a fascinating Sunday dinner experience…and a lifetime of tilling the soil of a safe, secure, and hopefully sacred love for each other.
Yesterday, I was taking a break and scrolled through Instagram until it stopped me in my tracks on how complaining can have a chronic negative impact on our health, and, in particular, on our brain. That didn’t surprise me, but I wanted to look further to test out what this influencer was reporting. You can look, too. Do an internet search on “complaining, cortisol, and the brain”. It is startling, but, again, not surprising.
Complaining is extraordinarily detrimental to brain health. In a way, it is also like “second-hand smoke” to those with whom you share it. When we complain, our brain responds by releasing cortisol. We need cortisol, the “stress” hormone, to alert us to possible danger and to stimulate an appropriate (hopefully) response to that danger. The problem with complaining is that it puts stress on a loud speaker when there was no need. Similar to how trauma rewires our brain to expect more trauma.
Venting feels good at the moment. It releases the internal pressure that is mentally building up from negative thinking. The dilemma with venting is two-fold – 1) it cements the wiring in the brain in the direction of negative, hopeless thinking, and 2) it activates/re-activates the same process in the caring hearer. Mind you, there is a positive, healthy venting that can take place if it is focused toward hopeful problem-solving and change. This can be life-giving to both persons.
[Side note: We need each other. We were made for community. Talking something out with people who love us is hugely important. There is a difference in lament and grumbling, or complaining and and acknowledging a hard thing, seeking help for forward movement.]
As one who is getting older and feeling the memory not as sharp and the tendency toward that “cup half empty”, curmudgeonly take on things…I wonder: when and how did it start?
When does analytical become contrarian? When does hopeful turn into doubtful? When does grateful turn into grumbly?
Do we just allow ourselves to turn into different people? Or do we take steps to stay (or become) joyful, engaged, unstoppable humans? People who others love to work with, serve with, spend time with.
A little over a year ago I wrote a blog on how complaining rewires our brains. If you know complaining is a struggle, please take the time to read this one piece (linked below). We may try to eat healthy, exercise, and rest aplenty – maybe there is one more thing we should consider:
Bottom line: Practice gratitude. Pause your thought process. Resist the urge to complain, rather reframing the complaint into positive action. Surround yourself with people who don’t complain, and, even make you laugh sometimes.
When you have more time or you want to consider steps toward positive brain health and a kinder, gentler handling of your life and circumstances, I have excerpted these from my other blogs on complaining and negative thinking:
Complaining Exposed – [From the Archives] When it comes to complaining, we all think of someone else who does it…not us. It is an irritating habit, and it only gets worse if unchecked. Poet writer Anne Peterson talks about complaining and how it flows out of 6 heart attitudes. Complaining reveals that:
We feel entitled.
We are impatient.
We hold on to resentment.
We compare ourselves to others.
We don’t think life is fair.
We are conformed to this world/culture.
Read her article for the particulars. Be prepared to rip the Bandaid (excuses) off your complaining.
Entrepreneur Gary Vaynerchukwrites about how his mom and wife seem to be incapable of complaining and it’s one of the things he loves about them: “Complaining has zero value. Looking at the negative, seeing the glass as half empty, and complaining are some of the biggest wastes of time a human being can engage in. Instead, tackle the problem head on. Assess it, see what you can do about it, and then do just that. ‘Woe is me’ is truly one of the biggest things that can stand in the way of success both professionally and personally.”
2. Beyond Grumpiness –[From the Archives] A friend of mine pointed this blog to me today and it bumped its way to the top of my Faves. English professor Alan Jacobs mused about the grumpiness of old people. I don’t know when it happens and why exactly it happens, but it is something that has happened to me of late…and I don’t think I’m old enough yet for it to happen.
Here’s a bit of what Dr. Jacobs says about grumpiness, but you should read his whole piece, especially if you’re finding yourself becoming grumpy (whatever age you are).
“I think the explanation for such widespread grumpiness is fairly simple…It’s not the big foul acts or horribly cruel words that do you in, it’s the slow drip drip drip of little annoyances that become over time a vast sea of frustration. Surely you’ve been there? You become exasperated by someone’s passing comment and when they are genuinely puzzled by your anger over so trivial a matter, you try to explain (apologetically, penitently, I hope) that it wouldn’t be a problem if this thing had happened once but it has happened a thousand times. It’s the repetition that kills you.” [Dr. Jacobs goes on to talk about the divisions on which we’ve taken sides give the sense of being new and revolutionary…and yet they are old divisions revisited.] “You can’t learn from the past if you don’t know what happened in it. So yeah, I’m gradually turning into a grumpy old man. Because nobody learns anything…” [About these things that divide us: We seem to care too much, or too little, or just plain not at all. Dr. Jacobs challenges us that only being truly loving people gives us the right to voice an opinion, and definitely not a shaming one.] “It’s a hard path to walk, this Way of avoiding both indifference and ‘the conscious impotence of rage at human folly.’ But the hard path is the only real Way. (All the others circle back on themselves.) So I try every day to follow it. I don’t think I could manage even that if I did not have an Advocate to accompany me, to encourage me, and to guide me.” – Alan Jacobs, Beyond Grumpiness
3. Without Grumbling – [From the Archives] Which comes first – anger or grumbling? Or is it a more subtle but growing discontent? When does occasional complaining settle into a set habit of grumbling? What does grumbling communicate to our own minds and to others within hearing?
I’ve written plenty on complaining, grumbling, and negative thinking (see links below). It can absolutely change the wiring in our brains. In my younger years, I always looked for the good and the beautiful in a person/situation…and I found it. Now, as an older person, my temptation is more toward darker thinking. This is NOT where I want to stay.
Below is a beautiful bit of writer Trevin Wax‘s post on grumbling and joy (it is geared toward Christians but there is wisdom for all of life here).
“In Philippians 2:6–11, Paul commands the church to adopt the same mind of our risen Lord. And his first command is, “Don’t grumble.”
“Do all things without grumbling or disputing, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world.” (Philippians 2:14–15)
Why start with grumbling? We might expect an exhortation to spiritual disciplines, or strategies for thriving as pure and faultless people in a sinful world. And yes, Paul does speak about blamelessness and purity and holding firm to the word of life (Philippians 2:16). But this purity in action is somehow connected to the first command to do everything without grumbling. Somehow, grumbling will keep us from faithfulness.
Why start here? Because Paul knows the story of Israel.
Remember the children of Israel? They chose grumbling over gratitude. Grumbling stalled their journey and led to actions that were anything but “blameless and innocent.”
Whether we are given suffering, chains, imprisonment, or worse (Hebrews 11:36–38), or whether we conquer kingdoms, stop the mouths of lions, escape the sword, and put armies to flight (Hebrews 11:33–34), we must know that only joy in and gratitude to Jesus will win the war for our culture…Yes, we may face obstacles, setbacks, and tough days ahead. But in it all, and under it all, we are also joyful. And this cheerful courage comes not from ignoring darkness or looking only for the bright side, but from believing that the Light will overcome the dark.
Do you want to shine like stars? Then do everything without grumbling.” –
4.Breaking Out of Negative Thinking – [From the Archives] I first wrote about negative thinking six years ago (that blog linked below). Since then we have come through COVID 2020, great racial unrest and social upheaval, contentious election cycles, ongoing wars, and a downturn in our economy. Lots to think negatively about with good reason, but if we’re not careful we will begin gearing our thinking in that direction to the detriment of our mental and relational health.
The team at Daily Health Post focused on complaining as a culprit that can actually cause our brains to default to anxiety and depression. From experience, I know this is true.
They prescribe the following to flip the damaging habit of complaining:
“Be grateful: Find something to be grateful for everyday. If you keep a journal, write down 3 things you are grateful for every morning and every night.
If you start to feel anxious or pessimistic, pause a minute and write them down again. If it’s too hard, write down 5 or even 10 new things you’re grateful for. By the end of the exercise, you’ll feel much happier and fulfilled.
Catch yourself: Don’t wait for your friends or family to tell you you’re complaining, pay attention to your thoughts and words.
If you’re complaining, quickly shift your energy to find solutions and lessons to be learned. Afterwards, treat yourself will a nice cup of tea for the effort!
Change your mood: If you feel overwhelmed and negative, remove yourself from whatever you’re doing and shift your state of mind. If you’re home, sit down with your favorite book and cook up a tasty treat. If you’re at work, go to the washroom or break room for a few minutes and listen your favorite song.
Breathe deeply and close your eyes, paying attention to every word. Hold onto that relaxing feeling and carry it with you throughout the day.
Practice wise effort: Wise effort is the practice of letting go of anything that doesn’t serve you. If your worry won’t improve your situation or teach you a lesson, simply let it go and move on.
This is much easier said then done, of course, but if you write it out, ask friends for advice, and take some time to think it through constructively, it really can be done.“
[Just a bit over a year ago, I wrote a blog entitled “Contempt – the Cold Killer of Hearts and Humanity”. It is such a prevalent emotion/thought process these days, I wanted to update that piece and re-post.]
Ah…contempt. It is defined as a strong negative emotion that joins disgust and disrespect. If we are honest, we have all experienced contempt, either for someone else, or a group of someones…or we’ve experienced the contempt of another towards us.
Contempt is a harsh response…a cold killer of hearts and relationships.
When we express contempt, it is usually in conversation with those who agree with us…about someone else. Rarely do we have the person(s) toward which we feel contempt in front of us. We don’t engage them as much as we complain about them. We hold some in contempt because of their beliefs or actions, and our temptation is to have nothing to do with them. We may view this as a strength, but (as I’ve heard said), “an unguarded strength is a double weakness.”
In a quick summary on contempt (in case you don’t want to read more in depth below), we would never think of ourselves as having contempt of another (or a group of people), but the signs are in our speech and attitudes. No matter how much we think we cover it, others can tell we lack love and respect (even exhibiting hatred). Contempt not only separates us from others but also makes it hard to reconcile. The dark thoughts of condemnation, suspicion, and mistrust are present under the surface. To remove the force of contempt, we must check our hearts. Acknowledge that any compassion we may have is conditional…we withhold love based on the other’s behavior. It is a lose-lose situation. How we can move toward actual reconciliation, or at least stepping toward a more healthy relationship is to be humble. We have a part in any contemptuous relationship. We each have a part. When we lean in, without expectation of the other person, and show curiosity as to how they are, we give grace. We make space for that person to lean in, as well. Refusing to think ill of another person, no matter what happened in the past, opens the door to genuine caring. It can be the start of healing.
What follows comes from my blog of a year ago. It speaks volumes on how to avoid contempt in two main areas: politics and marriage. However, the counsel given could be applied broadly to families, neighbors, coworkers, etc. There is wisdom here…in any situation where we feel the cold, hate-birthing emotion of contempt…which does harm to our relationships and our own heart.
“Knowing our weakness, dividing leaders on both the left and right seek power and fame by setting American against American, brother against brother, compatriot against compatriot. These leaders assert that we must choose sides, then argue that the other side is wicked—not worthy of any consideration—rather than challenging them to listen to others with kindness and respect. They foster a culture of contempt.” – Arthur C. Brooks, Love Your Enemies: How Decent People Can Save Our Country From the Culture of Contempt
Contempt is something I’d like to annihilate in my own thinking, and thankfully there are helps. Below you will find two thought leaders who have worked to expose contempt for what it truly is and does to us, and who have given us counsel on how to recognize it and rid ourselves of it. Author and academician Arthur Brooks and clinical psychologist John Gottman.
How do we confront contempt?
Arthur Brooks’5 Rules to Counter Contempt
1. Refuse to be used by the powerful. – “The accurate image of a powerful manipulator is someone on your side of the debate: a media figure who always affirms your views, a politician who always says what you think, or a professor who never challenges your biases. They declare the other side is terrible, irredeemable, unintelligent or anything else that expresses contempt — and they say you should think these things as well.” Brooks encourages us to tune out that person “on our side” who seeks to manipulate us, whatever the reason. Then (this is the harder part), we are to call out contemptuous behavior among those with whom we agree (our friends and maybe family). Contempt tears us down, and we don’t want that for ourselves or those we love.
2. Escape your bubble. – “The culture of contempt is sustained by polarization and separation. It is easy to express contempt for those with whom we disagree when we view them as “them” or never see them at all. Contempt is much harder to express when we see one another as fellow human beings, as “us.”” We do well to make opportunities to share space and conversation with people not like us. Seek to understand and look for ways we are alike.
3. Treat others with love and respect, even when it’s difficult. – “Never treat others with contempt, even if you believe they deserve it. First, your contempt makes persuasion impossible, because no one has ever been insulted into agreement. Second, you may be wrong to assume that certain people are beyond reason. There are many examples of people forming unlikely bonds precisely because they didn’t treat each other with contempt.” Sometimes we are the ones toward which contempt is aimed. If we have offended, then we can apologize. Raising an issue higher than the value of the person doesn’t take us anywhere positive.
4. Be part of a healthy competition of ideas. – “I believe disagreement is good because competition is good. As in politics and economics, competition — bounded by rule of law and morality — brings excellence. In the world of ideas, competition is called “disagreement.” Disagreement helps us innovate, improve, correct and find the truth. Of course, disagreement — like free markets and free elections — requires proper behavior to function.”The goal is not to disagree less but to disagree better, notes Brooks.
5. Disconnect from unproductive debates. – “Get rid of curated social media feeds. Unfollow public figures who foment contempt. Want to get really radical? Stop talking and thinking about politics for a little while. Do a politics cleanse. For two weeks — maybe during your next vacation — resolve not to read, watch or listen to anything about politics. Don’t discuss politics with anyone. This will be hard to do but not impossible.” This exercise will reveal how much of your life and mental energy is wasted, allowing you to refocus on people you truly love and work/play that matter more than those things you probably won’t be able to change. – Arthur Brooks, Sick of the Culture of Contempt? Here are 5 Ways You Can Subvert It
Another exceptional thinker and clinician is Dr. John Gottman, psychologist and professor. His focus is primarily on marriages and individual mental health within relationships. The Four Horsemen is a metaphor pointing toward end-times. Dr. Gottman uses the same metaphor in describing four elements of communication, any one of which can predict the demise of a marriage (or any other relationship). These elements are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Each has an antidote.
Contempt is much more mean-spirited than criticism. It communicates a measure of cold superiority over the one being criticized. Gottman isn’t talking about a political stand or a point of contention over culture or morality. He is concentrating on the relationship between two people, usually being a married couple.
“Contempt, simply put, says, “I’m better than you. And you are lesser than me.” [It] is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about one’s partner, and it arises in the form of an attack on someone’s sense of self. Inevitably, contempt leads to more conflict—particularly dangerous and destructive forms of conflict—rather than to reconciliation. It’s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message that you’re disgusted with them and that you’re condescending and acting as their superior.”
Gottman prescribes two antidotes for contempt in the marriage relationship – one short-term and the other more long-term:
First, the person feeling contempt toward the other would do well to name the emotions that rise to the top during a conflict. Express these emotions to your spouse without blaming, and appeal for help with a solution. “I am sad that we don’t have friends over. Could we talk about a way forward on this?” Or “I get worried when the bills pile up. Can we talk about what we can do to stay within budget?”
Second, Gottman suggests establishing (or re-building) a home culture of fondness and admiration for each other. This is a discipline that may take some strong determination, but it is doable. In fact, I have go-to Bible verses (Revelation 2:4-5) that help me immensely during those dry times in my own marriage. It speaks about what to do when we have lost our first love (for God and each other). Essentially, the instruction is to remember how it was in the beginning, repent/return, and repeat the actions/emotions/intentions that came naturally when the relationship was new. We don’t have to feel the fondness or admiration at first, but as we practice them, they can be restored. Among many tools, Dr. Gottman uses the instrument below to kick-start the process as the spouse chooses three descriptors and then gives examples of those to the other person.
Contempt is deceptive. It feels so good to think we are right, and yet in the practice of contempt, we become more isolated and less engaged in real community. Only preferring people who think like we do. At some point, our competencies will be impacted because our problem-solving shrinks down to just judging others and determining they aren’t worth our time. We miss learning from them, and we miss the possibility of genuinely understanding them, even loving them.
Having faced contempt myself, It has brought me to a “come to Jesus” moment. I don’t want to hold contempt for anyone, no matter how different they are, no matter what wrongs they have done. I want to figure out how to stay engaged with people…such that “if [I] can’t move mountains, [maybe I can] move a stone”.*
When I was a little girl, God showed Himself to be a Father to me. At that time, my family had some hard days. My mother took care of us, and she was always working. I wanted to help her and tried always to be good. Even as a young child, I found it was impossible for me to be good all the time. I felt bad when my brothers and I quarreled which made my mom sad. We began going to a church when I was five or 6. It was the first time hearing about God’s love for us, no matter what. I was relieved to learn that everybody has the same problem of trying unsuccessfully to be good. The Bible says that all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). How can we know a holy God then? How can we be reconciled to Him? In His mercy, He provided a way….a Saviour. Jesus says, “I am the way, the truth, the life. No one comes to the Father but by me” (John 14:6). As I learned more about God, and how He revealed Himself to us through His Word, Jesus, I wanted to give my life to Him…. To serve Him; to be His child.
At 9 years of age, I asked Jesus to forgive my sins and to come into my heart. My older brother and I came to faith around the same time, and we were baptized together in a sawmill pond near our church.
I’ve been in relationship with God now over 60 years, and every day I am more grateful for His love and power in my life. He is my Lord and my God…and My Father forever.
There are three significant spiritual markers in my life after coming to faith in Christ.
1) At 14y/o, at a youth retreat, around a campfire, we were challenged to examine our lives to see if we were ready to meet God that night. I knew I wasn’t ready because my life, as a teen, didn’t reflect a life surrendered to Him. I did business with the Lord again that night (“rededication” would be the word used in those days).
2) At 18y/o, I went to a very liberal university, in my home state of Georgia, and although I’d felt prepared spiritually for entering college life, my faith took a beating. Confronted often by secular, and sometimes hostile, classmates made me timid…and then I went into a season of living almost two lives – deceived and deceitful – serving in my church as a youth worker, and then living a worldly life at college and for a few years after college. In my mid-20’s, the LORD got hold of my heart again, thanks to the persevering love of a Godly friend. After that, I never looked back. The LORD had captured my heart, and I knew there was no other life for me but to follow Him completely.
3) The third spiritual marker came in my late 30’s, but before sharing that, I can say that life with the LORD had become an incredible journey. In my late 20’s, I served college students in a large church in Atlanta. It was also a great blessing for me to go on several summer missions trips, doing evangelism and construction projects — Mexico, the Philippines, and Haiti. During this time, I was applying to mission agencies, and seeking God’s direction. After a particularly difficult summer in Haiti, I put the applications on hold, because it seemed I wasn’t really ready (mature enough?) for overseas service. Without going into further detail, I ended up moving to Connecticut for a teaching job, working in a Southern Baptist church plant there, and meeting David. We married, he finished his PhD, we moved to Tennessee, and had 3 children — Christie, Nathan, & Daniel (he came to us through adoption, but was “born” into our family in Tennessee).
All during these years, I was seeking the LORD and serving Him in some capacity or another — leading discipleship groups or prayer groups or being involved in local missions. However, with the weight of responsibility of marriage and then children, and trying to continue being connected with my professional life and service in church….the joy went out of my life. I questioned my salvation, because it seemed there was just no power for my life in Christ. I knew He wasn’t at fault, so it must have been me. Well, long story short: I happened upon the Experiencing God (Henry Blackaby) Bible study and the LORD really did a work of healing in my life through that. In that study, He began correcting some of my thinking about living victoriously in Christ. Then about that same time, Dave and I attended a conference on spiritual revival with Henry Blackaby and Richard Owen Roberts….and the Holy Spirit so moved in my heart that I have never again questioned my salvation. So grateful for His grace.
A few years after this, Dave experienced a call to overseas service, and then our calls were joined (mine coming to fruition many years later than I’d first thought). Seeing GOD work in impossible situations has enlarged our faith and gratitude to Him for His love that will not let go. We’ve see the work of the Cross in the lives of people who were far from GOD, as well as in some who thought they were doing all the right religious things, but really didn’t know GOD. It’s been amazing to watch GOD draw people to Himself…some through very difficult situations. Yet He moved in and through those situations to redeem people to Himself.
In recent years, we have encountered all the too usual challenges of life – illness, deaths of loved ones, broken relationships, family struggles, altered dreams. Yet the beautiful constant has been Jesus.
Wherever you are in your faith walk, if you know Jesus as the One who made a way for you to come back to the Father, then you know exactly what I’m talking about. If you’re going through hard times or you think you’ve lost your way back to Him…turn your face to Him. He is closer than you think.
Worship with me to Anne Wilson‘s anthem of praise to her Jesus, “My Jesus”, written when she was a teen and her older brother was killed in an accident.
Are you past the point of weary?
Is your burden weighing heavy?
Is it all too much to carry?
Let me tell you ’bout my Jesus
Do you feel that empty feeling?
‘Cause shame’s done all its stealing
And you’re desperate for some healing
Let me tell you ’bout my Jesus[Chorus]
He makes a way where there ain’t no way
Rises up from an empty grave
Ain’t no sinner that He can’t save
Let me tell you ’bout my Jesus
His love is strong and His grace is free
And the good news is I know that He
Can do for you what He’s done for me
Let me tell you ’bout my Jesus
And let my Jesus change your life[Post-Chorus]
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, amen, amen
[Verse 2]
Who can wipe away the tears
From broken dreams and wasted years
And tell the past to disappear? Oh
Let me tell you ’bout my Jesus
And all the wrong turns that you would
Go and undo if you could
Who can work it all for your good
Let me tell you ’bout my Jesus
[Chorus]
He makes a way where there ain’t no way
Rises up from an empty grave
Ain’t no sinner that He can’t save
Let me tell you ’bout my Jesus
His love is strong and His grace is free
And the good news is I know that He
Can do for you what He’s done for me
Let me tell you ’bout my Jesus
And let my Jesus change your life[Post-Chorus]
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, amen, amen
Amen[Bridge]
Who would take my cross to Calvary?
Pay the price for all my guilty?
Who would care that much about me?
Let me tell you ’bout my Jesus, oh
[Chorus]
He makes a way where there ain’t no way
Rises up from an empty grave
Ain’t no sinner that He can’t save
Let me tell you ’bout my Jesus
His love is strong and His grace is free
And the good news is I know that He
Can do for you what He’s done for me
Let me tell you ’bout my Jesus
And let my Jesus change your life
[Post-Chorus]
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, amen, amen
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah (Amen, amen)
Let my Jesus change your life*
Have you made any errors in judgment lately? Did your judgment lead you to attitudes or actions that you would later regret? I have, maybe not as of yet this morning, but definitely yesterday. Some folks are more accomplished at shrugging them off and moving on. I over-think them, and sometimes beat myself up for them. Not always correcting course, as in taking responsibility, apologizing, and making amends.
Ugh!
Fortunately, I have folks in my life who allow me to process these mistakes and determine the best way forward. Both inside my own head and in relationship with others. Community (i.e. caring accountability) is a wonderful thing.
The graphic above is taken from an article written by Debbie Hampton, this brilliant woman who is also a suicide survivor – talk about a person who took a dark turn in her decision-making and managed to come out the other side in a much better place.
She talks about taking the mistakes we make and dealing with them with forgiveness, kindness, and compassion. We don’t have to be bound by our regret of decisions made. We can reframe our memories and can hopefully extend grace, both to ourselves and others. As we shake off the negative and explore what we can learn, a mental shift and positive action plan are possible. Turning our regrets into lessons.
One discipline in decision-making is to assess how it is we are prone to find ourselves, again and again, in situations that cause hurt to ourselves and others.
Psychologist Carrie Steckl writes about three errors that can affect our decision-making:
Representativeness bias – our tendency to judge a situation based on our predominate experiences and beliefs about the situation.
Availability bias – our tendency to make decisions based on what is most familiar to us, whether it is the best choice for us or not.
Confirmatory bias – our tendency to make an early judgment and listen only to information that validates that judgment.
This was really helpful for me, because I can default to negative thinking, rather than taking charge and turning a situation around. This comes out of habit, and I want to change that habit.
For the moment, still reeling from how my afternoon was derailed yesterday with mistaken decision-making, I want to focus on the importance of moving regrets into life lessons. Habit formation is key, undergirded by three elements: consistency, intensity, and community. Entrepreneur and motivational speaker Sahil Bloom gives a simple yet profound way to approach habit formation:
This is where I am today. How about you? Any regrets? Let’s determine to turn the corner on these by making some simple, thoughtful changes in our mental maps and resultant actions.
It must be a burden being right all the time…or maybe not. That sense of authority on what’s right clears the room of two important qualities – curiosity and humility.
My husband and I have a running joke about being right. He will make a statement about something which I may not agree with in that moment. Then as we talk, I realize he’s right. Then he will say, “I could be wrong, but I’m not very often”.
Now you may take offense at that, but if you know my husband, he is not arrogant and he is a life-long learner. Curiosity and humility are very much a part of his character.
If we’re honest, what he says in jest is what we often believe about our own thinking. Whether we voice it or not, it’s there. We believe we are right…which could mean she/he/they are wrong.
This is a huge political season in the US. The Presidential election is days away. Everyone has an opinion. Everything thinks they are right. Dialog and reasoning together are as rare as truth. Did I just say that?
I wish we could talk. Speak unfiltered from our hearts. Genuinely consider the future of our children and grandchildren. Vote our consciences. It may not always be possible. However…do we just draw away from each other and close ranks with those who agree with us? Or maybe we aren’t sure who they are, who even agrees with us after all…
“You can be right and you can be left” – another family saying to which I’ll add (as Pepper Sweeney said above) “but you can only be together when you meet in the middle”.
I recently met up with a dear friend who had on a political t-shirt. She is one of the loveliest persons you would ever want to know. The t-shirt had some messaging (I’m not going to get it completely right) which communicated about one political party bringing us altogether – uniting us all, no matter who we were. In the design, there were hands holding signs high with all sorts of causes, identities, and alliances. As we talked, I kept studying the t-shirt design and realized I wasn’t represented amongst the “all togethers”.
It got me thinking again about how we all are sure we’re right – About a lot of things. About the candidates, the government, the future, the people who make up America. Politics has gotten to be such a game of deceit – who can make us believe them the most; who can tell the best stories and get us off our couches to vote for them? I would love to have a gathering, at church or with friends or family, to really sort out what are our better choices given what we have to work with. Is it even possible to own our struggle? Or wonder if we’re right or wrong? A better conversation may be to determine what is right thinking post-election, no matter who wins. What is our right response and best path forward?
So much blaming, polarizing, scapegoating, victimizing or playing the victim on the news and in social media right now. I’d love to have an opportunity to dialog in a forum where we agree we may not be right – we may not know everything we need to know – but we want to do right by each other. Would that be possible? Ever? Comment below if you have known that sort of experience in recent years.
Well…just wondering aloud this morning. I’m still hopeful. In fact, even I think I’m right most of the time. Don’t we all?! However, I’m willing to learn and especially to learn to do right, whether I am right all the time or not. We can’t be right if we don’t do right. Am I right? Here’s to more humility and more curiosity! And if you’re thinking it’s your candidate who’s right, is it possible you could be wrong? Or for sure, not right all the time…on this matter, I am in a quandary myself. Peace.
Oh, sing to the Lord a new song! For He has done marvelous things; His right hand and His holy arm have gained Him the victory. 2 The Lord has made known His salvation; His righteousness He has revealed in the sight of the nations. 3 He has remembered His mercy and His faithfulness to the house of Israel; All the ends of the earth have seen the salvation of our God.
4 Shout joyfully to the Lord, all the earth; Break forth in song, rejoice, and sing praises. 5 Sing to the Lord with the harp, With the harp and the sound of a psalm, 6 With trumpets and the sound of a horn; Shout joyfully before the Lord, the King.
7 Let the sea roar, and all its fullness, The world and those who dwell in it; 8 Let the rivers clap their hands; Let the hills be joyful together 9 before the Lord, For He is coming to judge the earth. With righteousness He shall judge the world, And the peoples with equity. – Psalm 98
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. – James 1:2-4
Don’t you love when something significant happens twice, just in case you missed it the first time around? This weekend, I took a couple of Afghan girls to see the film Inside Out 2. They had been wanting to see it all summer and we finally made it happen. Being teenaged girls themselves, they were mesmerized by all the familiar emotions depicted in the film – joy, sadness, disgust, fear, anger, anxiety, envy, embarrassment, and ennui (boredom). We all counted on the sprightly “joy” character to help Riley, the girl in the film, hold onto the sweetness of her life in the midst of all that caused her distress. Joy! She had to work really hard to make sure Riley’s life was happy. [Great movie! Exhausting and exhilarating!]
Then the next day, Pastor Cliff preached on Psalm 98. The psalmist calls the people of God to worship their (our) King. No spectators here! All of creation sounds an anthem of praise to a righteous, merciful, faithful, and just God. The tone of this psalm was that of great joy…not buoyed by happy circumstances, but grounded on the presence and personhood of almighty God.
Therefore, no matter what’s happening in our lives – whatever emotions are evoked – we can count it all joy, when we walk with Him.
Writer, speaker Mel Walker defines Biblical joy as “choosing to respond to external circumstances with inner contentment and satisfaction, because we know that God will use these experiences to accomplish His work in and through our lives.” He breaks joy down into 3 components:
God, Himself, is the source of our joy.
We can choose to respond to life’s trials with joy when we consider God’s purpose for those times of suffering.
It is possible to have joy to the fullest even during life’s most difficult times.
Like in the film, we have conversations in our head, with God, and each other. We can’t always work out meaning or the why’s of our situations, and we’re tempted to default to the negative (and all the accompanying emotions). God calls us to look to Him to sort things out, and in trusting Him, we can enjoy that settled joy in our hearts. No matter what.
An example of a simple joy in my life is this: Jon Schmidt‘s arrangement of A Poor Wayfairing Man of Grief. It is an instrumental piece on my sweet husband’s Sunday morning playlist. I want to be up and out in the living room, coffee in hand, when it plays. This piece, all piano and strings, has several beautiful rises and falls. There is this one interval (starting at around 5 1/2 minutes) that builds to an incredible crescendo 30 seconds in. It strikes joy in my heart, every single time.
Simple, beautiful reminders of the God who loves us and will take us through all of life.
Worship with me…and count it all joy. Whatever’s going on right now, choosing joy is the way through. Hallelujah!
When the rain you want is a flood instead And the roses bloom, but they’re not quite red And when I reach the edge of my bravery I’ll still be singin’ at the banks of an un-parted sea
Sometimes the only way through it is a hallelujah (The only way through it is a hallelujah) Sometimes the only thing to do is just to give it to You (The only thing to do is just to give it to You) And though my troubles shake me I know they will never move You Sometimes the only way through it is a hallelujah (Hallelujah) That’s why I say hallelujah Hallelujah
There’s what I want and then there’s where I’m at Every one step forward, it got me five steps back And I cried, I called, God knows I prayed But most days faith is climbin’ up a mountain that stayed
That’s why the only way through it is a hallelujah (The only way through it is a hallelujah) Sometimes the only thing to do is just to hand it to You (The only thing to do is just to hand it to You) And although my troubles shake me I know they could never move You Sometimes the only way through it is a hallelujah (Hallelujah) Hallelujah (Hallelujah) Hallelujah (Hallelujah) That’s why I say hallelujah Hallelujah
It don’t always fix your problems But it’ll tell you how small they are That’s the thing about praise That’s the thing about praise It won’t always move the mountain But it’s good for the heart That’s the thing about praise That’s the thing about praise You’ll never know what it’s gonna change But it’ll always leave a mark That’s the thing about praise That’s the thing about praise Yeah, I might see walls start fallin’ Or it might just change my heart That’s the thing about praise That’s the thing about praise (Oh) That’s the thing about praise That’s the thing about praise, woah
And the only way through it is a hallelujah (The only way through it is a hallelujah) Sometimes the only thing to do is just to hand it to You (The only thing to do is just to hand it to You) And although my troubles shake me I know they could never move You The only way through it is a hallelujah (Hallelujah)
That’s the thing about praise You never know what it’ll change, change, change That’s why I say hallelujah Hallelujah Oh, that’s the thing about praise You don’t even know what it’s about to change (You never know what it’ll change, change, change) That’s why I say hallelujah (Hey) Hallelujah*
Here’s to all those who make us laugh! Without any need for alcohol or even inspiration, something said or done, a facial expression or shoulder shrug, and we are happily taken off-guard and laughter follows. No matter the setting. In fact, I have memories of laughing with friends at the family visitation before my mom’s funeral. As off-putting as that might have been for some, it was a joy in reminiscing over shared times together, with Mom in the mix. I’m sure in some Heavenly space, Mom was glad for that momentary release from grief for us. Laughter…what a gift!
Earlier this morning, I was thrifting with my friend, Angela. We were scanning titles in the used book section of the store, out of view of each other. Then I heard her actively engaged in animated conversation with a man also looking at books. They clearly knew each other and their laughter at this chance meeting splashed over into my own heart. He was an old co-worker from another season of her life, Angela would tell me, and it was a happy remembrance of those days.
For me, it was just fun to hear her laugh. I was reminded of a situation yesterday afternoon while reading a book my daughter had shared with me. She said I should occasionally take a break from my serious non-fiction reading and recharge with some fiction. The first book she lent me, some weeks ago, was author Gary D. Schmidt‘s Okay For Now. [I highly recommend it to anyone who needs a break from the serious.] I finished it in a couple of days. Then she gave me Schmidt’s The Wednesday Wars. Both books tell the story of middle school boys and the trials and tribulations of their lives (as seen through their oftentimes hilarious take on reality). The stories are set in the late 60s during the Vietnam War era (I resonated so much with that period and those stories).
There’s an especially funny part in The Wednesday Wars where seventh-grader Hollings, the hero of this story, was assisting the school custodian, who was replacing bulging ceiling tiles damaged by two enormous rats. Previously, the rats were the class pets (cute when tiny, terrifying once grown) but they escaped and built a nest in the unseen space above. In dislodging one tile, the custodium unleashed an avalanche – the gross, chewed up contents of the rats’ nest fell straight down onto Hollings’ head. [You’ve got to read it to know just how hysterical it was.] Reading that portion out loud to husband Dave – we were both laughing so hard, it was nearly impossible for me to finish what I wanted to share with him.
Laughter.
All this gave pause today, thinking about the joy of laughter. I’m a fairly serious sort, so folks aren’t drawn to me for hilarity. You can count on me to stay in the room if you’re struggling with something. Hopefully, you might feel better, encouraged, hopeful after our visit, but laughing out loud? Probably not. Thankfully, others bring that gracious gift to relationships.
[I actually took a few minutes to go through my phone directory to be reminded of those who simply brighten life by showing up…more than that, they regularly make me laugh. They probably aren’t that way all the time, but they are genuinely and gently funny. Steve C., John D., Sarah DeJ., David G., Anne S., Heba T., and Sharon W. Combinations of people also have a chemistry that literally combusts laughter for everyone – Khiry, Cam, and EB are such friends. Who are your people?]
Being a serious person who leads a fairly quiet life, I end up going to reels on social media for laughter (too often really; should just invite these friends over for dinner…or invite ourselves for coffee dates). Recommended for you are the three comedians below…there are many others, including folks who are just funny without making a living at it. Please put any favorites of yours in the Comments.
Finally, in my family of introverts, I’ve had great cause for laughter. Husband Dave is one who makes me laugh. He can be very serious himself, but his take on life can be quite oddly funny. He also remembers perfect lines from movies for just about any situation.
Then there are our children. Christie, as older sister to her brothers, has always been a buffer for their shenanigans. She calls them back to perspective and, like her dad, has a sharp memory for stories, situations, and song lyrics (that make us laugh and can shake us all out of sourness). Her tales of babysitting in college and teaching kids in public school are still favorites when we’re together. Now with children of her own (who aren’t subjects for social media), she captures the sweet and funny with them and shares with us.
Nathan, our middle child, makes us laugh, with his many faces, and his wise and sometimes unusual takes on life. Growing up, he could be hard on both his big sister and little brother, and yet he also brought the joy. Even more now.
[Nathan with one of his many faces and post-anesthesia after wisdom tooth extraction. Legendary.]
Daniel, our youngest, is also one who can make us laugh and whom we want to make laugh. He loses it better than anyone I know. We never tire of each of the kids’ retelling stories of Daniel’s antics growing up and his many funny outbursts and creative word pronunciations. We have hilarious memories from our family vacations together, especially in the seaside town of Oualidia, Morocco. Like experiencing seafood we’d never eaten before – sea urchin (the spiny exterior was still moving) is one that caused uncontrollable laughter at our table.
Our Daniel works very hard at living independently and can take the struggles of life too deeply to heart. That’s why it’s especially lovely for his Mom to have his siblings around the table to pull that smile and laughter out of him.
The grandkids are their own story which I won’t share here. Still, don’t kids say amazing things? Their wonder and joy at living, their perspective on life, and their sibling and cousin challenges and how they get sorted…always make me smile.
So there you go…now, you may be one of those people in your world that makes others laugh. I just want to thank you for that. If you’re one who takes life more seriously (as part of your own wiring), and you don’t have regular encounters with the people above, maybe it’s time to take an inventory. Watching YouTube videos or Instagram reels are a bandaid for sure, but let’s be intentional about having laughter in our lives. That generous kind that spills over into the lives of others. Bring it!
[Please comment on those folks, professional and personal, who make you laugh. Share away. Also what do you do to up your appreciation of the joys around you? – like collecting and remembering stories, journaling the joys of life, being present in the moment wherever you are and whomever you’re with.]
Ah…contempt. It is defined as a strong negative emotion that joins disgust and disrespect. We have all experienced contempt, either for someone else, or a group of someones…or the contempt of another towards us.
Contempt is a harsh response…a cold killer of hearts and relationships.
It became more real than ever when I experienced it myself recently. Not toward me personally maybe but because of an association/affiliation I have that is viewed by some as contemptible. When we express contempt, it is usually in conversation with those who agree with us. Rarely do we have the person(s) toward which we feel contempt in front of us. We don’t engage them as much as we complain about them. We hold some in contempt because of their beliefs or actions, and our temptation is to have nothing to do with them. We may view this as a strength, but (as I’ve heard said), “an unguarded strength is a double weakness.”
“Knowing our weakness, dividing leaders on both the left and right seek power and fame by setting American against American, brother against brother, compatriot against compatriot. These leaders assert that we must choose sides, then argue that the other side is wicked—not worthy of any consideration—rather than challenging them to listen to others with kindness and respect. They foster a culture of contempt.” – Arthur C. Brooks, Love Your Enemies: How Decent People Can Save Our Country From the Culture of Contempt
Contempt is something I’d like to annihilate in my own thinking, and thankfully there are helps. Below you will find two thought leaders who have worked to expose contempt for what it truly is and does to us, and who have given us counsel on how to recognize it and rid ourselves of it. Author and academician Arthur Brooks and clinical psychologist John Gottman.
How do we confront contempt?
Arthur Brooks’5 Rules to Counter Contempt
1. Refuse to be used by the powerful. – “The accurate image of a powerful manipulator is someone on your side of the debate: a media figure who always affirms your views, a politician who always says what you think, or a professor who never challenges your biases. They declare the other side is terrible, irredeemable, unintelligent or anything else that expresses contempt — and they say you should think these things as well.” Brooks encourages us to tune out that person “on our side” who seeks to manipulate us, whatever the reason. Then (this is the harder part), we are to call out contemptuous behavior among those with whom we agree (our friends and maybe family). Contempt tears us down, and we don’t want that for ourselves or those we love.
2. Escape your bubble. – “The culture of contempt is sustained by polarization and separation. It is easy to express contempt for those with whom we disagree when we view them as “them” or never see them at all. Contempt is much harder to express when we see one another as fellow human beings, as “us.”” We do well to make opportunities to share space and conversation with people not like us. Seek to understand and look for ways we are alike.
3. Treat others with love and respect, even when it’s difficult. – “Never treat others with contempt, even if you believe they deserve it. First, your contempt makes persuasion impossible, because no one has ever been insulted into agreement. Second, you may be wrong to assume that certain people are beyond reason. There are many examples of people forming unlikely bonds precisely because they didn’t treat each other with contempt.” Sometimes we are the ones toward which contempt is aimed. If we have offended, then we can apologize. Raising an issue higher than the value of the person doesn’t take us anywhere positive.
4. Be part of a healthy competition of ideas. – “I believe disagreement is good because competition is good. As in politics and economics, competition — bounded by rule of law and morality — brings excellence. In the world of ideas, competition is called “disagreement.” Disagreement helps us innovate, improve, correct and find the truth. Of course, disagreement — like free markets and free elections — requires proper behavior to function.” The goal is not to disagree less but to disagree better, notes Brooks.
5. Disconnect from unproductive debates. – “Get rid of curated social media feeds. Unfollow public figures who foment contempt. Want to get really radical? Stop talking and thinking about politics for a little while. Do a politics cleanse. For two weeks — maybe during your next vacation — resolve not to read, watch or listen to anything about politics. Don’t discuss politics with anyone. This will be hard to do but not impossible.” This exercise will reveal how much of your life and mental energy is wasted, allowing you to refocus on people you truly love and work/play that matter more than those things you probably won’t be able to change. – Arthur Brooks, Sick of the Culture of Contempt? Here are 5 Ways You Can Subvert It
Another exceptional thinker and clinician is Dr. John Gottman, psychologist and professor. His focus is primarily on marriages and individual mental health within relationships. The Four Horsemen is a metaphor pointing toward end-times. Dr. Gottman uses the same metaphor in describing four elements of communication, any one of which can predict the demise of a marriage (or any other relationship). These elements are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Each has an antidote.
Contempt is much more mean-spirited than criticism. It communicates a measure of cold superiority over the one being criticized. Gottman isn’t talking about a political stand or a point of contention over culture or morality. He is concentrating on the relationship between two people, usually being a married couple.
“Contempt, simply put, says, “I’m better than you. And you are lesser than me.” [It] is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about one’s partner, and it arises in the form of an attack on someone’s sense of self. Inevitably, contempt leads to more conflict—particularly dangerous and destructive forms of conflict—rather than to reconciliation. It’s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message that you’re disgusted with them and that you’re condescending and acting as their superior.”
Gottman prescribes two antidotes for contempt in the marriage relationship – one short-term and the other more long-term:
First, the person feeling contempt toward the other would do well to name the emotions that rise to the top during a conflict. Express these emotions to your spouse without blaming, and appeal for help with a solution. “I am sad that we don’t have friends over. Could we talk about a way forward on this?” Or “I get worried when the bills pile up. Can we talk about what we can do to stay within budget?”
Second, Gottman suggests establishing (or re-building) a home culture of fondness and admiration for each other. This is a discipline that may take some strong determination, but it is doable. In fact, I have go-to Bible verses (Revelation 2:4-5) that help me immensely during those dry times in my own marriage. It speaks about what to do when we have lost our first love (for God and each other). Essentially, the instruction is to remember how it was in the beginning, repent/return, and repeat the actions/emotions/intentions that came naturally when the relationship was new. We don’t have to feel the fondness or admiration at first, but as we practice them, they can be restored. Among many tools, Dr. Gottman uses the instrument below to kick-start the process as the spouse chooses three descriptors and then gives examples of those to the other person.
Contempt is deceptive. It feels so good to think we are right, and yet in the practice of contempt, we become more isolated and less engaged in real community. Only preferring people who think like we do. At some point, our competencies will be impacted because our problem-solving shrinks down to just judging others and determining they aren’t worth our time. We miss learning from them, and we miss the possibility of genuinely understanding them, even loving them.
Having faced contempt myself in the last week, It has brought me to a “come to Jesus” moment. I don’t want to hold contempt for anyone, no matter how different they are, no matter what wrongs they have done. I want to figure out how to stay engaged with people…such that “if [I] can’t move mountains, [maybe I can] move a stone”.*
