Category Archives: Family

Monday Morning Moment – Not Us and Them, But We – Benching Divisiveness

Photo Credit: His Place

Too much of life and culture these days is polarizing. It may have always been so. Good guys and bad guys. Heroes and villains. Liberals and conservatives. Secular and religious. The list goes on forever.

When I woke this morning, many of these ideas and conflicts were bouncing around in my brain. Then the idea came to mind: “Not Us and Them, but We.” What can grow our capacity for civil discourse? How can we nurture curiosity in our thinking, especially in communication with those who have very different ideas than we might have? What moves us toward understanding rather than acting on the motivation to move “them” to think like “us”?

Often in the last several weeks, in particular, conversations either center on politics, or it’s “the elephant in the room”. Fortunately I have friends who differ from me in some of our political views but they seek to understand, which gives me the same potential for my understanding their views.

Organizational psychologist and author, Adam Grant, often points to the distractions that keep us divided or on edge with each other. He gives wise counsel.

Photo Credit: Screenshot, Adam Grant, X

I also have friends who have pretty much ghosted me over the same views. Conversation is just too emotionally charged. Too anxiety-provoking. I respect that, but I also miss the possibility of learning from them and dialoging together such that both of us can see things from a higher vantage point.

Writer, leadership coach Scott Sauls posted an article just this weekend that resonates with this very current issue. Without really focusing on politics, he expands the idea of differences to incorporate our stances on all of life…and on people with whom we have conflict. In fact, he points to three identities we may have for ourselves and others, and how those identities keep us divided against each other. Below are quotes from this article – click on the link to read all the wisdom found there. Still a quick read.

“Family, work, team, tribe, church, community, and nation—every sphere of life has its culture, and in each one, we assign roles. We naturally place people or groups into the categories of victim, villain, or hero to suit our own biases. Sometimes, one person or group is cast in all three roles, as we seek to simplify complex situations and deflect blame away from ourselves.”

In almost every conflict, we instinctively conclude that someone is hurt, someone is to blame, and someone must intervene to make things right. These roles are common in the stories we read, the movies we watch, the news we consume, and the communities we are part of. But victim, villain, and hero are also the roles we quietly assign to ourselves and others as we navigate difficult relationships and painful experiences.”

The Peril of Playing the Victim – When we assume the role of victim as our primary identity, we risk trapping ourselves in a story of bitterness and self-pity. We replay the wrongs done to us over and over, feeding a narrative that makes the presumed offender larger than life and ourselves perpetually powerless. Over time, the victim mindset tempts us to believe that others are responsible for our misery and that our healing depends almost entirely on their repentance or punishment.”

The Peril of Casting Others as Villains – If playing the victim is one danger, the second is casting others as villains. When someone wrongs us, it is easy to reduce them to their very worst moment or season, and to nothing more than the sum of their sins. They are no longer a whole person with complexities, struggles, and good qualities—they are simply “the one who hurt me.” We judge them harshly, as though their worst moment defines their entire character, while conveniently minimizing our own flaws…The labels we assign—especially when shaped by our pain—often obscure the truth.”

The Peril of Seeing Ourselves or Others as Heroes – Another dangerous role to assume is that of the hero. Heroes see life in black and white—good versus bad, victims versus villains—and position themselves as the ones who can fix it all. Sometimes, this looks like trying to rescue others from pain, taking on burdens that aren’t ours. Other times, it looks like moral superiority: we believe we’re the righteous ones who would never behave like “those people,” and our role is to rescue others from “them.” Still other times, people want to step in as heroes to protect themselves from the wrath of “victims” who are known for punishing and persecuting those who refuse to rescue them from their “villains.””

Sauls ends his post with the Gospel of Jesus Christ being the better story:

The gospel dismantles the victim, villain, and hero roles by telling a different story—one where Jesus is the only one who can truly make things right. It teaches us that:

  • If we are in fact victims, we are seen, loved, and cared for by a God who is near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18). But our healing is not dependent on human justice; it is rooted in the grace of God, who works all things together for good (Romans 8:28).
  • As those who have been wronged, we must forgive as we have been forgiven (Ephesians 4:32). Forgiveness does not deny the reality of harm, and it does not grant trust where trust has not been reestablished through repentance, reconciliation, and sincere efforts to repair, but it releases us from the burden of bitterness and entrusts justice to God.
  • As those tempted to self-righteousness and pride, we are reminded that we, too, have sinned and that our salvation is a gift, not a reward (Romans 3:24). Paul’s rhetorical question and subsequent answer—“Are we any better? Absolutely not” (Romans 6:15)!—become relevant for us, as well.

When we let go of the victim, villain, and hero mindsets, we step into a life shaped by humility, grace, and reconciliation. Humility reminds us that we are all broken and in need of mercy. Grace empowers us to forgive others as we have been forgiven. And reconciliation—where possible—invites us to repair what is broken and pursue peace.” – Scott Sauls

Overcoming the Victim, Villain, and Hero Trap – How the Gospel Frees Us From Denying, Blaming, and Deflecting – Scott Sauls

Where do you see yourself in these scenarios? Do we view ourselves as the hero, fighting for others? Or are we the victim and see another (person or party) as the villain?

Photo Credit: Adam Grant, X

Thoughtful disagreement doesn’t start with “You’re wrong!” It begins with “I’d love to understand your thinking better.” Attacking conclusions closes minds. Asking about reasoning opens them. Good debates don’t have winners or losers. They leave everyone more informed. Adam Grant, X

My husband often puts one of his favorite adages – “We are better than me.” – in work conversations, especially those related to drifting into silo thinking. So much better than where we often find ourselves, if we’re not intentional, which is an “us and them” mentalities. Unfortunately, the “us” is too often deemed better than “them”. Whenever we can, let’s work toward getting “the us’s” to talk to “the them’s” with the goal of becoming “a we”. I know this might seem less complicated in a work situation when an employer mandates this sort of action. However, it is also possible in families, friend groups, and communities which have become fractured because of a rift or rupture. We can be hopeful if we’re willing to be humble, forgiving, curious, and full of grace. God will definitely grease the tracks in that direction.

In It Together – Emma Scrivener

How Estrangement Has Become an Epidemic in America – Joshua Coleman and Will Johnson

What Estranged Families Can Teach Us About the Political Divide – Joshua Coleman

“Seeing every interaction as win-lose isn’t smart. It’s shortsighted. Evidence: People who view others’ gains as their loss see potential allies as hostile and miss out on productive collaborations. In the long run, the best path to success and happiness is striving for win-win.”Adam Grant, X

Worship Wednesday – Friends – Michael W. Smith

A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Proverbs 18:24

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.Proverbs 17:17

Iron sharpens iron, and one person sharpens another.Proverbs 27:17

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. – Jesus – John 15:13-15

I have written about friends often through the years. A LOT. As a very imperfect friend myself, God has graced me with good and strong friendships over my lifetime. Some of those friends are family. Most are not related by blood, but by heart and purpose. I am forever grateful.

Our son Nathan took me out to breakfast for my birthday. He is not only family but a cherished friend. He can be so funny, and yet our conversations seem to always go to the serious side of life. Probably because I’m on the other side of the table.

During this meal together, we talked some about friends and about family. Mostly about friends. What sorts of friendships make it through our lifetimes? What sort of friend do we want to be? We talked about speaking truth to each other “in love”, about shouldering each other’s burdens, about giving grace and seeking understanding, about long-suffering, and about when and if a season is over in a friendship.

I wish you could have been able to hear the wisdom he shared with his mama. Ours is a friendship that I believe will weather any storm, for which I am grateful. I pray that I won’t cause him pain or put pressure on him because of some sort of selfish ambition. He, like a treasured few others in family and community, is a picture of Jesus in my life.

Friendships take time, and we only have a finite bit of that. How do we measure out our time? Or our hearts and minds, for that matter? Some friendships are (in the common vernacular) “a life suck”. They aren’t easy to stay in. Especially when there is emotional (even spiritual) pain as a fruit of those relationships. These sorts of relationships probably generated the terms “toxic” and “boundaries”, and I get it.

My hope for him and the rest of our family is to keep Christ the Lord of our friendships. He will guide us through them, and if necessary, away from them. Across this longish life of mine, I’ve had hard friendships, some of which couldn’t weather our differences. Some friends have stuck with me, even when they received little back, for which I’m forever grateful. These friends (some of whom are also family) have encouraged me to do better and have affirmed my own commitment to be present, when possible.

Today, I came across a gem of poetry by writer Molly Burford. She entitles the piece “Types of People You Need to hang On To (Parts 1 and 2)”. Her words inspire both the kind of friend to be and the kind of friendship to nurture. We do NOT want to take for granted such people in our lives.

Moments to Hold Close – Molly Burford

Photo Credit: Thought Catalog, Facebook
Photo Credit: Molly Burford, Thought Catalog, Facebook

Moments to Hold Close – Molly Burford

In the afterglow of breakfast with Nathan, alone again working at home, I was reminded of Michael W. Smith‘s old, old song “Friends”, written in the 80s. His wife, Debbie, actually wrote the lyrics, and he composed the music. It’s a song about letting go of friends – not the friendship but the nearness of them (either if they have relocated or gone to be with the Father).

One of the lines is so compelling: “Friends are friends forever, if the Lord’s the Lord of them.” We can have complicated friendships and we only have so much time…true friendships can endure distance and differences. Especially if the Lord covers them. That is key.

Another line always gives me goosebumps (and one day tears, when I get them back – that’s another story): “a lifetime’s not too long to live as friends“. We may not always be as close as we would like – between the pull of a 24-hour day and other relationships that require our attention. However, we can hope to be friends forever…given great grace.

I am deeply grateful for those forever friends in my life – some from my family and some who have chosen to be family. You know who you are. Thank you.

Worship God in this classic Michael W. Smith tribute to the Lord’s gift of friends and true friendship:

Packing up the dreams God planted
In the fertile soil of you
I can’t believe the hopes He’s granted
Means a chapter of your life is through

[Pre-Chorus]
But we’ll keep you close as always
It won’t even seem you’ve gone
‘Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

[Chorus]
And friends are friends forever
If the Lord’s the Lord of them

And a friend will not say never
‘Cause the welcome will not end
Though it’s hard to let you go
In the Father’s hands we know
That a lifetime’s not too long
To live as friends


And with the faith and love God’s given
Springing from the hope we know
We will pray the joy you live in
Is the strength that now you show

[Pre-Chorus]
But we’ll keep you close as always
It won’t even seem you’ve gone (It won’t seem you’ve gone)
‘Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong
Yeah, yeah

[Chorus]
And friends are friends forever
If the Lord’s the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
‘Cause the welcome will not end
Though it’s hard to let you go
In the Father’s hands we know
That a lifetime’s not too long
To live as friends

And friends are friends forever
If the Lord’s the Lord of them (The lord-)
And a friend will not say never (It will never say-)
‘Cause the welcome will not end (Ooh)
Though it’s hard to let you go
In the Father’s hands we know
That a lifetime’s not too long
To live as friends

To live as friends

[Outro]
Though it’s hard to let you go
In the Father’s hands we know
That a lifetime’s not too long
To live as friends
No a lifetime’s not too long
To live as friends

*Lyrics to Friends – Songwriters: Michael W. Smith & Deborah D. Smith

Monday Morning Moment – Real Friendship – on Friends Who Wound, Fierce Friends, Friends who Turn Around, and Friends Who Stay – Deb Mills

YouTube Video – TV Special – 35 Years of Friends – Celebrating the Music of Michael W. Smith

YouTube Video – Michael W. Smith (Friends) – excerpt from TV special above

Monday Morning Moment – Thanksgiving Memories – All Good Gifts

2006 -- Nov -- Thanksgiving table

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning. James 1:17

[Adapted from the Archives]

For most of 20 years, we lived in North Africa where a Thanksgiving holiday was a foreign concept. “Eid el Shukr” (“Feast of Thanks” in Arabic) was understood but not a day set aside. We, along with other expat Americans, brought Thanksgiving with us and invited our local friends into the experience. On the surface, American Thanksgiving has pretty much three constant components – food, family, and football.

Back in the States, the old traditions are changing and yet stay sweetly familiar. My Mom, who always laid out an incredible Southern-style feast on the kitchen counter at home in Georgia, is no longer with us. As with some of you, I’m sure, I miss her still every day and how she lavished love on us through these family times together. Our children are grown now and establishing their own traditions with more families and friends added into the mix. Each year, we find ourselves re-working our own traditions as well.

Thanksgiving is again, for many of us, all about food, family, and football…but there’s also another element…faith… I am grateful every day for the kindnesses of God and those he’s placed in our lives. Celebrating Thanksgiving allows us to put an exclamation point on being grateful. It’s not just about a table full of food, although food is clearly a focal point. Thanksgiving, even as a national holiday and not a religious one, focuses our sight beyond ourselves. There is an object in Thanksgiving beyond ourselves.

Over 50 years ago, a funky little Broadway musical was turned into a film – Godspell. It was an adaptation of the life of Jesus according to the Gospel of Matthew. At that time, I was in the season of life that young people pass through of searching out what exactly I believed. It wasn’t going well at that time. Praise God, He did not forget me during those days when I had all but forgotten Him. Watching the film Godspell was one of the occasions God used to wake me up. There’s a wonder and delight in the young followers of Jesus in the musical. It reminded me of what I had once with God…and what could be again.

All the songs in the musical Godspell are lovely. Composer and lyricist, Stephen Schwartz, beautifully captured some of Jesus’ teaching and the depth of love and rightness between Him, His followers, and creation, in general. All Good Gifts, adapted from an old hymn, is one such song and is a pure and proper doxology of praise for Thanksgiving.

Worship with me. 

All Good Gifts*
We plow the fields and scatter the good seed on the land..
But it is fed and watered by God’s almighty hand..
He sends us snow in winter, the warmth to swell the grain…
The breezes and the sunshine, and soft refreshing rain…

All good gifts around us
Are sent from Heaven above
Then thank the Lord, thank the Lord for all his love…

We thank thee then, O Father, for all things bright and good,
The seedtime and the harvest, our life our health our food,
No gifts have we to offer for all thy love imparts
But that which thou desirest, our humble thankful hearts!

All good gifts around us
Are sent from Heaven above..
Then thank the Lord, thank the Lord for all his love..

I really wanna thank you Lord!
All good gifts around us
Are sent from Heaven above..
Then thank the Lord, oh thank the Lord for all his love..

Food – Family Favorites in Mom’s Kitchen
Football – on T.V. or out on the street with cousins and friends
Family – Time together…savoring every minute

Happy Thanksgiving…

Oh…just in case Thanksgiving is a struggle…and it isn’t all happy family fun…I pray you take courage and rein in your heart to remember that God sees and loves you. We can be a Thanksgiving blessing to each other…if you’ve read this far…you are a blessing to me. Wish you were at our table…maybe one day you will be. You are definitely welcome at God’s table.

YouTube Video – Take Courage – Kristene DiMarco

*Lyrics and Story Behind the Song – All Good Gifts (Godspell)

YouTube Video – All Good Gifts (Godspell 1990)

YouTube Video Clip – All Good Gifts (Godspell original cast 1973)

Wikipedia article on original hymn/lyric – We Plough the Fields and Scatter (1862)

Thanksgiving with MomMom
[Thanksgiving with the kids, 2015 – and a napping first-born grandchild not in pic]

Monday Morning Moment – Finishing Strong – On the Anniversary of Mom’s Glorious Homegoing

[Adapted from the Archives]

We have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair;  persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed – always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. 2 Corinthians 4:7-10

My Mom was a young 72 when she was diagnosed with cancer. A year younger than I am right now. We were overseas at the time, and I wanted so to be home with her. She was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma – supposedly “the best kind of cancer you can have”. Highly treatable. Long remissions. Often cured. Mom would still die after 3 years of intensive, and sometimes experimental, chemotherapy. She never caught a break. Yet, she didn’t look at it that way.

Her journey with God in those days was other-worldly. The Mom I knew loved to serve people, and cancer would not stop that. She had grown up poor and with a dad who could be mean when he drank. She dreamed of college but it was never meant to be. Instead she became a student of life, and she never tired of that. She was a beautiful blend of Mary and Martha – wholly satisfied whether “sitting at the feet of Jesus” or serving the needs of those around her. I love that she was my Mom.

She taught me how to live…and she taught me how to die. We were home in the States when Mom’s cancer finished its course in her. She never spent a night in the hospital throughout those three years.  She stubbornly guarded her time at home and had the will and the support (of my Dad, family and friends) to endure from home…and there was God, holding her tight against the storm.

Fuji002 152a

Mom never prayed for healing, but we did. Mom prayed that this cancer, the illness and all that was part of it (including a devastating Shingles-related neuralgia), would bring glory to God. Her prayer was answered, and ours, ultimately, in Heaven.

Her dying took three days. If you had known my Mom, you knew a person that was all about life – helping and encouraging others, pointing them to God, determined, in faith, to make sense of what seemed utter nonsense. She continued to be about that until she went into a coma the last day. While she was awake that final weekend, I asked her (over and again) how she was. One time, I remember, she nodded a bit, and whispered, “I’m O.K.” It was her face that spoke volumes. Forehead lifted, blue eyes bright, an almost sunny expression. That “I’m O.K.” was accompanied by an almost delighted look of marvel…of wonder. Like, “Wow! I really am O.K.!” God was meeting her at the point of her greatest need.

Mom and I have always had amazing talks about the deep things of God and life. She told me one time that she envied us our certainty of His call to a life overseas. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard God speak so clearly to me,” she lamented. In the last days of her life, it came to me to ask her if she heard God speak to her lately. She answered right away, with that same look of wonder, “All the time!” If cancer had to be the instrument of such grace, then it became a gift to her.

Mom entered Eternity during the reading of 2 Corinthians 4:7-10 (see above). Her young pastor and his wife came unexpectedly that evening, rushing in, wide-eyed, as if on a mission. We brought them back to her room, and they sat with us, around her bed. She had been unresponsive all day. Her pastor opened his Bible and began reading. Mom had this sweet habit of knitting her forehead and shaking her head, in response to something that touched her heart. As he read, after being quiet and still all day, she knit her forehead and breathed her last. We all felt transfigured in that moment.

Today marks 22 years since Mom went to be with the Lord, and I miss her today and every day. She was so spent when she left us, yet gloriously whole at the same time. A bit of prose from Henry Van Dyke always comes to mind in thinking of her Homegoing.

Gone From My Sight by Henry Van Dyke

Photo Credit: Curt Ellis

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side, spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then, someone at my side says, “There, she is gone.”

Gone where?

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast,
hull and spar as she was when she left my side.
And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me — not in her.

And, just at the moment when someone says, “There, she is gone,”
there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices
ready to take up the glad shout, “Here she comes!”

Mom taught us how to live…and she taught us how to die. She “fought the good fight…finished the race…and kept the faith.” (2 Timothy 4:7). For us, there is still a race to be run.

Thanks, Mom, for showing us how it’s done. See you at the Finish Line.

Mom pictures for website 014a

When it’s all been said and done
There is just one thing that matters:
Did I do my best to live for truth, did I live my life for You?
When it’s all been said and done
All my treasures will mean nothing
Only what I’ve done for love’s reward
Will stand the test of time.

Lord, Your mercy is so great
That You look beyond our weakness
And find purest gold in miry clay
Making sinners into saints

I will always sing Your praise
Here on earth and ever after
For You’ve shown me Heaven’s my true home
When it’s all been said and done
You’re my life when life is gone.

Lord I’ll live my life for You.

Lyrics & Music by Jim Cowan © 1999 Integrity’s Hosanna! Music

Mom’s Irises

YouTube Video – When It’s All Been Said and Done

Her Children Arise and Call Her Blessed – David Mathis – Charles Spurgeon’s reflections on a Godly mother

Monday Morning Moment – “They Did the Best They Could”

A quote from Curt Thompson MD’s book The Soul of Shame

“They did the best they could.” This statement usually follows a description of one’s hard childhood, lack of closeness to one or both parents, or attachment or addiction issues in adulthood. For some, this may be an attempt to pull back from blaming our parents. When we become curious about our childhood, we also find ourselves curious about our parents’ childhood…and their parents. Blaming really gets us nowhere. What we have available to us these days in terms of mental and relational health is so much more than our parents had available to them.

My parents may have done the best they could. For sure, they did what they knew to do. I think of my mom sometimes. What a difference it would have made in her own life to have access to the helps we have today! And she was a good mom. She, my absent biological father, and my beloved step-dad all made mistakes in parenting. I sure did, as well. In many ways, I wish I could go back and change some things. My kids and I have talked about this. In their graciousness, they have released me from the less-than-best parenting I did. Still, it requires me to forgive myself.

Monday Morning Moment – Family of Origin – What’s Your Story? – Deb Mills

[Sidebar: one of my children reminded me that generations of parents have had the Bible as a guidebook and it is full of wisdom. When I talk about present-day helps, I mean experts in the fields of science and medicine who have added to our application of Biblical truth. Curt Thompson, MD is one of those experts.]

Where am I going with this? Last week, I attended my first Connections conference. It is sponsored by the Center for Being Known (CBK), and Curt Thompson is the founder of CBK. Curt also chairs the podcast Being Known with Pepper Sweeney and Amy Cella. That podcast has been like a masterclass for me. So good! Curt is also an accomplished writer, and I’ve read all his books! He is easy to read and has literally changed my life…changed my thinking on so many things – how the brain was created, how we can rewire it after trauma, how we can reframe memory, how we can deal with shame in healthy ways, how we can flourish in community. So many things!

Below you will find some quotes from his books. During the conference, a powerpoint was running between sessions with these and many more quotes displayed. So rich…and delightful to be reminded of these truths. Whatever your background and wherever you are in life, his books will change your life as they have mine.

I will revisit the content from this Connections conference (“Imagination to Incarnation”) on another day. For now, I just wanted to whet your appetite for the possibility of healing, even in the face of childhood trauma, family estrangement, anxiety, depression, isolation and shame.

Whatever your situation, there is help. We can’t go back, but we can go forward. We can reframe memories. We can repair breaches in relationships. We can tell our stories to people who care about us. We can name our struggle. We can begin again.

These are not just lofty ideas. I sat in a room with 450 or so others who are doing the work of healing. Of being better, even doing better. It was a beautiful, hopeful experience.

Postscript: The speakers from this Connections conference and the promo for Connections 2025.

Photo Credit: Facebook, Curt Thompson MD

Monday Morning Moment – Healing from Sorrow and Grief – with Adam Young, Francis Weller, Curt Thompson, & Jesus – Deb Mills

Transformed By the Renewing of Your Mind – Dr. Curt Thompson

Toxic Shame Has Its Own Neurobiology. The Gospel Offers a Cure. – Werner Mischke [ a Review of Curt Thompson’s book The Soul of Shame: Retelling the Stories We Believe About Ourselves]

Good Friday, Families and Hospitality (Dr. Curt Thompson, Part Two) – Conversation with Center for Christian Civics – exploring what Good Friday has to do with hard conversations about politics in the church

Spirituality, Neuroplasticity, and Personal Growth – Dr. Curt Thompson

Worship Wednesday – My Story and My Jesus – Anne Wilson

When I was a little girl, God showed Himself to be a Father to me.  At that time, my family had some hard days.  My mother took care of us, and she was always working.  I wanted to help her and tried always to be good.  Even as a young child, I found it was impossible for me to be good all the time.  I felt bad when my brothers and I quarreled which made my mom sad.  We began going to a church when I was five or 6. It was the first time hearing about God’s love for us, no matter what. I was relieved to learn that everybody has the same problem of trying unsuccessfully to be good.  The Bible says that all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23).  How can we know a holy God then?  How can we be reconciled to Him?  In His mercy, He provided a way….a Saviour.  Jesus says, “I am the way, the truth, the life.  No one comes to the Father but by me” (John 14:6).  As I learned more about God, and how He revealed Himself to us through His Word, Jesus, I wanted to give my life to Him…. To serve Him; to be His child.

At 9 years of age, I asked Jesus to forgive my sins and to come into my heart.  My older brother and I came to faith around the same time, and we were baptized together in a sawmill pond near our church.

I’ve been in relationship with God now over 60 years, and every day I am more grateful for His love and power in my life.  He is my Lord and my God…and My Father forever.

There are three significant spiritual markers in my life after coming to faith in Christ.

1) At 14y/o, at a youth retreat, around a campfire, we were challenged to examine our lives to see if we were ready to meet God that night.  I knew I wasn’t ready because my life, as a teen, didn’t reflect a life surrendered to Him. I did business with the Lord again that night (“rededication” would be the word used in those days).

2) At 18y/o, I went to a very liberal university, in my home state of Georgia, and although I’d felt prepared spiritually for entering college life, my faith took a beating.  Confronted often by secular, and sometimes hostile, classmates made me timid…and then I went into a season of living almost two lives – deceived and deceitful – serving in my church as a youth worker, and then living a worldly life at college and for a few years after college.  In my mid-20’s, the LORD got hold of my heart again, thanks to the persevering love of a Godly friend.  After that, I never looked back.  The LORD had captured my heart, and I knew there was no other life for me but to follow Him completely.

3) The third spiritual marker came in my late 30’s, but before sharing that, I can say that life with the LORD had become an incredible journey.  In my late 20’s, I served college students in a large church in Atlanta.  It was also a great blessing for me to go on several summer missions trips, doing evangelism and construction projects — Mexico, the Philippines, and Haiti.  During this time, I was applying to mission agencies, and seeking God’s direction.  After a particularly difficult summer in Haiti, I put the applications on hold, because it seemed I wasn’t really ready (mature enough?) for overseas service.  Without going into further detail, I ended up moving to Connecticut for a teaching job, working in a Southern Baptist church plant there, and meeting David.  We married, he finished his PhD, we moved to Tennessee, and had 3 children — Christie, Nathan, & Daniel (he came to us through adoption, but was “born” into our family in Tennessee).

All during these years, I was seeking the LORD and serving Him in some capacity or another — leading discipleship groups or prayer groups or being involved in local missions.  However, with the weight of responsibility of marriage and then children, and trying to continue being connected with my professional life and service in church….the joy went out of my life.  I questioned my salvation, because it seemed there was just no power for my life in Christ.  I knew He wasn’t at fault, so it must have been me.  Well, long story short:  I happened upon the Experiencing God (Henry Blackaby) Bible study and the LORD really did a work of healing in my life through that.  In that study, He began correcting some of my thinking about living victoriously in Christ.  Then about that same time, Dave and I attended a conference on spiritual revival with Henry Blackaby and Richard Owen Roberts….and the Holy Spirit so moved in my heart that I have never again questioned my salvation.  So grateful for His grace.

A few years after this, Dave experienced a call to overseas service, and then our calls were joined (mine coming to fruition many years later than I’d first thought).  Seeing GOD work in impossible situations has enlarged our faith and gratitude to Him for His love that will not let go.  We’ve see the work of the Cross in the lives of people who were far from GOD, as well as in some who thought they were doing all the right religious things, but really didn’t know GOD.  It’s been amazing to watch GOD draw people to Himself…some through very difficult situations. Yet He moved in and through those situations to redeem people to Himself.

In recent years, we have encountered all the too usual challenges of life – illness, deaths of loved ones, broken relationships, family struggles, altered dreams. Yet the beautiful constant has been Jesus.

Wherever you are in your faith walk, if you know Jesus as the One who made a way for you to come back to the Father, then you know exactly what I’m talking about. If you’re going through hard times or you think you’ve lost your way back to Him…turn your face to Him. He is closer than you think.

Worship with me to Anne Wilson‘s anthem of praise to her Jesus, “My Jesus”, written when she was a teen and her older brother was killed in an accident.

Are you past the point of weary?
Is your burden weighing heavy?
Is it all too much to carry?
Let me tell you ’bout my Jesus
Do you feel that empty feeling?
‘Cause shame’s done all its stealing
And you’re desperate for some healing
Let me tell you ’bout my Jesus[Chorus]
He makes a way where there ain’t no way
Rises up from an empty grave
Ain’t no sinner that He can’t save
Let me tell you ’bout my Jesus
His love is strong and His grace is free
And the good news is I know that He
Can do for you what He’s done for me
Let me tell you ’bout my Jesus
And let my Jesus change your life[Post-Chorus]
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, amen, amen

[Verse 2]
Who can wipe away the tears
From broken dreams and wasted years
And tell the past to disappear? Oh
Let me tell you ’bout my Jesus
And all the wrong turns that you would
Go and undo if you could
Who can work it all for your good
Let me tell you ’bout my Jesus

[Post-Chorus]
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, amen, amen
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah (Amen, amen)
Let my Jesus change your life*

*Lyrics to My Jesus – Songwriters: Anne Wilson, Jeff Pardo, Matthew West

YouTube Video – Anne Wilson – Strong (Official Performance Lyric Video)

‘My Jesus’: The Story behind 19-Year-Old Anne Wilson’s Song

YouTube Video – Never Once [ With Lyrics] – Matt Redman

YouTube Video – Story Behind “Never Once” – Matt Redman

Monday Morning Moment – Fathering – More Love than Discipline

Photo Credit: Heartlight

Yesterday, a young woman very dear to me gave a tribute to her grandfather at his memorial service. What she said was beautiful and honoring as she said goodbye (for now) to a man who loved her deeply, as she also loved him. She shared her short talk with me, and it reminded me of the precious gift of good fathering. [I’ve written several times on fathering. It’s a hard job, maybe even harder than mothering.]

Reading her talk, she spoke of a grandfather who treasured her. As a grandparent, I understand how easy it is to just love our grandchildren. The raising, training up, civilizing of children is long and arduous, but the joy of grandchildren, both little and grown, usually requires little from us. Still to have a good father as a grandparent is a great blessing. I know this young one will miss him terribly.

Being a good father is a daunting task, especially for men whose own fathers were absent or punishing (maybe from their own sense of inadequacy or pain). As women, we are allowed to cry and vent our struggles to other women. With men, the message is too often to ignore the emotions that are hard to control or to strike out in anguish when facing disappointment or failure. I can’t imagine really.

Today, I heard of Jason O. Wilson for the first time. He is a martial arts instructor but much more. For decades, he has mentored young boys (and their fathers). Scrolling through X (formerly Twitter), I came across this quote on some of his teaching:

It’s impossible to overstate how important it is for a child to hear these words from their dad:

I’m here for you.

I love you.

I’m proud of you.

Speak them as often as you can. [v/c to the incredible @mrjasonowilson. I dare you watch his videos without tearing up.]

Photo Credit: Jason O. Wilson, The Root

Having grown up himself with no father in the home, he founded Cave of Adullam. That’s the name of Jason Wilson’s transformational training academy.

Cave of Adullam is identified in the Bible as a place of refuge for David. In that period of Israel’s history, King Saul was trying to kill David, but David refused to kill the King even when he had several opportunities.

Wilson’s teaching and mentoring is like nothing I’ve seen before. He teaches discipline, but his main focus is for the boys to know they are loved. Their fathers are as much a part of their training as they are.

YouTube Video: Breaking Through Emotional Barriers, The Cave of Adullam (CATTA)

If you’re a dad or grandfather and you’re reading this, you obviously are invested in fathering. It is never too late to connect with your children and grandchildren. It may be uncomfortable and even unwelcome. We live in an era of family estrangement. However, you will never regret trying or starting over, if given the opportunity. As we reach out to our children, sometimes we find our own healing in the process.

Photo Credit: Heartlight

Dig into Jason Wilson’s practices. His website, books, X tweets, YouTube videos, and guest spots on podcasts are extremely helpful. He’s even been a guest on the Joe Rogan Experience where they talk together for 2 hours! Wilson’s own lack of good fathering has not stopped him from fathering and mentoring well. In fact, he was propelled into that better life because of his loss. He was not defeated by the lack of a good father. His faith in a good Heavenly Father has set a solid foundation for him, and now he comforts and empowers others.

Photo Credit: Heartlight

Coming back around to the impetus for this post – the grieving granddaughter of a good grandfather – she will be comforted by the love she knew in their relationship. Her children will benefit from that as well. We take note of good fathers and have hope for ourselves to be that kind of parent.

Photo Credit: Charles Kettering, Success

Goodreads Quotes from Jason O. Wilson’s Battle Cry

Goodreads Quotes from Jason O. Wilson’s Cry Like a Man

Anniversary Milestone – 40 Years Married – a Walk with God and Each Other

2009 April May Trip to Georgia 112 (2)

[Adapted from the Archives]

And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.  – Colossians 3:15-20

On August 4, we will be 40 years married! Whew! Thanks be to God!

The flight of years shows in our bodies and minds, but for us, it is most apparent in the launch of adult children into their own lives, work, and marriages. Then…it comes back to just the two of us…and I am grateful for his company.

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Our marriage has always been of a quiet steady sort . My husband and I married best friends. We were polar opposites in most ways, except our faith and being raised in Southern families, with Godly, praying mamas. He was “read and follow directions” marrying “fly by the seat of her pants.” It was definitely a match made in Heaven because we would need the God of Heaven to keep us on course as we figured marriage out…both without and, later, with children.

In fact, those of you who know us well know the struggles we have had figuring out parenting (both young children and then adult children). Also the challenges of having very different ideas and giftings on doing life. I’ve written so much about this in my journals over the years, wrestling with God and my own heart in these areas. Should our kids read those journals one day, I trust them to handle the pages of angst about our marriage with gentleness and understanding. Hopefully they have always seen us pull together more than pull apart.

I’ve often quoted Elisabeth Elliot on love and marriage. Two thoughts come to mind. She speaks of love as being “a laid-down life.” She also talks of marriage as being good for Christians to mature in their walk with God, because [in marriage] “there’s so much scope for sinning.” My husband has taught me a lot in both of these areas, and I, him – hopefully more on the lines of laying down our lives for each other, rather than the scope for sinning part…sigh.

2005 December - Christmas with Mills & Halls 089a (2)

Whatever these nearing forty years have produced with us together, the best of it has been 3 great young people (and the 2 beautiful extra children who’ve joined our family through them, so far)…and GRANDCHILDREN! Alongside those treasures is the unalterable way the Lord has knit us together, my husband and me, with each other and with Him.

I have some idea what is ahead, given our ages and the world around us (we’ve already been through a cancer diagnosis, big job changes, losses of dear parents, and sickness in our children and grandchildren). The hard is softened by what is promised (and proven) through God’s Word. Whatever is ahead, I am so grateful for what I’ve learned through this man who married me 40 years ago.

He has given me the face of a man who does not give up, of one who never leaves the room, of one who fights for what is right, of one who is tender toward the weak, of one who loves no matter what. I have been both the recipient of this and the one by his side as he extends himself to others.

Now, we are two again…as in the beginning of our relationship.  Yet we are at a very different place. God has shown Himself to be ever-present in all these years of our lives. For many years I didn’t think marriage was to be mine…then Dave came into my life quite providentially. God gave me exactly what I needed in this husband of mine – a man as true as steel in his walk with God and with his family. We count on him; he counts on God. Whatever happens out there in front of us…I have peace, on this 40th anniversary, that God will be there for each of us, to show us how to live…as He has in all these years thus far.

Through the Years – YouTube video of Kenny Rogers Ballad

YouTube Video – Jesus and You – Matthew West

YouTube Video – You’re Still the One – Shania Twain [Twain’s “still the one” is no longer her one, but the song is beautiful. So I wanted to keep it in this list since Dave’s still my one.]

YouTube Video – Brandon Lake – NOTHING NEW (I DO) – Wedding Version ft. Brittany Lake

Sacred Marriage – What if God Designed Marriage to Make us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy – by Gary Thomas – Such a great book!

An example of Elisabeth Elliot’s counsel to one marrying – Always forgive.

Elisabeth Elliot Quotes

Sunday Reflection – Father’s Day & Fathering

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[Adapted from the Archives]

We all have fathers – whether very present, present but distant, or long-time absent. Some of you may be fathers. Some of you may have wanted to be fathers but are not able to be…for whatever reasons.

This day of commemoration usually means a good meal and some sort of gifting or pampering for you dads. For all of you, with or without children, you can be influencers…and we need you. My biological father was absent long before my parents divorced.

Thankfully I have had a rich heritage of good fathers through the rest of my life – my step-dad, brothers, uncles, husband, father-in-law, son/son-in-law, brother-in-law, nephews, and loving, empowering male friends and colleagues. Most of these good fathers in my life were spiritual fathers…but fathers nonetheless.

The father of my own children used to travel with his work. He and I had a parting ritual. He runs through the “in case something happens” list [let me know if you want particulars of that – it is helpful to know]. Then, we did sort of a “Thanks for marrying me” farewell…and finally that wonderful, “If I don’t see you here, I’ll see you THERE.” When this man wasn’t present with us, he still was.

Fathering, like mothering, is not an easy job. So much dying to self. So much responsibility. What a delight for us when the men in our lives take fathering on their shoulders as they might a sleeping child. Surrendering themselves to the serving of those younger than them. I thank God for men who humble themselves in prayer for their children and who go to work every day to support their families. Working, studying, and life-long learning passed on to their children and others.

Photo Credit: Calvin & Hobbs from the blog of Kenneth Reeds

These dads are too-often taken for granted in the shadow of fathering that falls short. The absent, neglectful and downright abusive fathers cut wounds so deep that decent fathers are sometimes judged by the same measure. We watch for “the sins of the fathers to be revisited on their children” (Numbers 14:18).

Today, let’s reflect on the good fathers. Those who were present at our births, or those who came later in life to us, or those who father us out of their own great hearts. Imperfect, sure. All of us are. Yet, there are those men who go many more than second miles for us, and we are grateful. – Deb Mills

…and finally let’s live in hope that those fathers who struggle to be present or loving may one day gather themselves together, awaken to what was left behind, and reach out to the treasures they missed along the way…and may they find us within reach.

The Father I Never Knew on Father’s Day – Deb Mills Writer

Fathering – Celebrating Men Who Did It Well; Forgiving Men Who Didn’t – Deb Mills Writer

“As to my children, you are now to be left fatherless, which I hope will be an inducement to you all to seek a Father who will never fail you.”Jonathan Edwards, his last words to his children, as he lay dying

Traveling Man – Somewhere Between Here, There, & Home – Deb Mills Writer

Blog - Father's Day - B. C. comic

Photo Credit: B. C. Comics

Worship Wednesday – Our Posture Before a Waiting & Loving Father – with Trevin Wax

Photo Credit: Prodigal Son by Eugene Burnand, article by James Ross Kelly

And Jesus said, “There was a man who had two sons; and the younger of them said to his father, ‘Father, give me the share of property that falls to me.’ And he divided his living between them. Not many days later, the younger son gathered all he had and took his journey into a far country, and there he squandered his property in loose living. And when he had spent everything, a great famine arose in that country, and he began to be in want. So he went and joined himself to one of the citizens of that country, who sent him into his fields to feed swine. And he would gladly have fed on the pods that the swine ate; and no one gave him anything. But when he came to himself he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have bread enough and to spare, but I perish here with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you; I am no longer worthy to be called your son; treat me as one of your hired servants.”’ And he arose and came to his father. But while he was yet at a distance, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you; I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him; and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet; and bring the fatted calf and kill it, and let us eat and make merry; for this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.’ And they began to make merry.

“Now his elder son was in the field; and as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing. And he called one of the servants and asked what this meant. And he said to him, ‘Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fatted calf, because he has received him safe and sound.’ But he was angry and refused to go in. His father came out and entreated him, but he answered his father, ‘Lo, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command; yet you never gave me a kid, that I might make merry with my friends. But when this son of yours came, who has devoured your living with harlots, you killed for him the fatted calf!’ And he said to him, ‘Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. It was fitting to make merry and be glad, for this your brother was dead, and is alive; he was lost, and is found.’Luke 15:11-32

The following is a treasure by writer and researcher Trevin Wax, used with permission. We met only once, but I’ve been learning from him for several years. You are in for a treat – a life-giving infusion of truth, wisdom, and grace.

“Every now and then, a song brings me to tears.

Sometimes it’s an older song that stirs the heart in a new way. I’ve never been able to sing the last verse of Isaac Watts’s hymn, “There Is a Fountain,” because I’m too moved by that image of my “poor lisping, stammering tongue” lying “silent in the grave” before rising again to sing a “nobler, sweeter song” of Christ and his “power to save.”

Songs about the cross and resurrection strike that chord, such as the vision at the end of “O Praise the Name (Anástasis)” of resurrection hope when our gaze will be fixated on the Savior. Andrew Peterson’s “Well Done, Good and Faithful” builds on a Watts hymn and imagines the Father affirming the Son’s sacrificial work; I blubber every Easter season when I hear it. Other songs do the trick too, even simple ones like Steven Curtis Chapman’s “My Redeemer is Faithful and True” or Fernando Ortega’s “Give Me Jesus.”

But for all the times when glorious gospel truth has me fumbling for a Kleenex, there many times when I sing about amazing grace with dry eyes and a lukewarm heart. This has me wondering, What dries up the heart and keeps us from feeling and experiencing the marvelous, matchless grace of God? What keeps the tear ducts blocked?

For starters, there’s the posture of the older brother in the parable of the prodigal son: the self-righteous, self-sufficient one who remains “close” to the father, at least in terms of proximity, while his heart is far from home. The consummate rule-follower believes deep down that the only possible reason God would love us is because we’ve done something to deserve salvation.

Photo Credit: Rembrandt’s Return of the Prodigal, Stanton Lanier

This assumption can manifest itself in many ways, even among those who talk about grace all the time. The self-justifying tendencies of the human heart can lead us to stand on a pedestal of Christian teaching about grace and then look down on others who’ve not arrived at our level of doctrinal understanding or theological precision.

But we cannot weep before the majestic grace of God if we’re still searching for scraps of self-sufficiency. Tears of gratitude will never fall from eyes looking down on others, only from eyes looking up to God’s grace.

But there’s a second posture that keeps us from marveling at the grace of God: the desire to validate ourselves by doing away with sin.

The New Testament’s insistence on our need for redemption humbles us. But redefining sin removes the need for humility, leaving us affirmed in our natural state.

For many today, the problem isn’t the disease of sin, but those who’d diagnose the disease. So, instead of a father running to us with a heart overflowing with forgiveness and healing mercy, we want a father who runs to affirm us and tell us all is well, that what we’ve done either wasn’t that bad or wasn’t bad at all. We want a God to provide a spiritual presence, a transcendent dimension for the life we’ve chosen to live. God becomes the approver of our own self-validation.

This second posture is also rooted in self-righteousness, but it masks itself in false mercy. For some, sin is not that big a deal because God is merciful and it’s his job to forgive. For others, our focus on brokenness and suffering outstrips any notion of sin as transgression or treason against God. God’s mercy and help are there to make us whole, but this “wholeness” must ultimately be defined by every individual.

The first and greatest commandment is “Be true to yourself.” The second is like it: “Affirm whatever self your neighbor decides to be true to.” In this way, we rid ourselves of vice, not through forgiveness, but through redefining vices as virtues, as part of our authentic selves.

And so, the father runs to the repentant son, not to shower him with undeserved grace, but to follow him to the pigsty, where he insists the son’s rebellion was a bold and courageous act of independence, and the diet of pig food is really a feast for the self-actualized.

This posture strips us of the power to weep at grace. Sin is waved, not washed, away. To deny or minimize your sinfulness is to sever the root of gratitude for undeserved favor. Make favor deserved, a reward that showcases your innate worth and value and goodness, and you’ve gutted grace of everything that makes it amazing.

In both cases, whether it’s the elder brother who won’t lower himself to join the feast, or the younger brother who won’t come to his senses because he wants to be “free” to choose the pigsty, self-righteousness blocks tears of gratitude.

Only Jesus gives us grace that meets us in our darkest hour, grace that plumbs the depths of our cavernous hearts, grace that transforms the heart of stone into a heart of flesh.

Undeserved favor strips us of self-righteousness and shows up our paltry attempts at self-validation. Submit to that humble stripping away of all our pride, and then we can bask in the grace that makes us sing louder, shout for joy, and weep with gratitude. That’s the grace we see in the running feet of the father.” – Trevin Wax, Facebook, May 5, 2024

[If you have time, and want to sing praise to God for His great grace, click on any of the song links – old or new.]

Rembrandt’s Prodigal – A Life Lesson – Stanton Lanier

The Story of the Loving Father – William Barclay – James Ross Kelly