Category Archives: Relationships

Saturday Short – On the Eve of Mother’s Day – Celebrating and Remembering

Photo Credit: Guide of Greece

Years ago, when I was a little girl in a small Baptist church in the South, all the ladies wore flowers to church on Mother’s Day. White flowers if our mothers were no longer living, and red flowers if they were still with us. Flowers still mark the celebration of Mother’s Day. However, much has changed in how we commemorate moms.

In recent years, family estrangement has become a thing. Boundaries another thing. Not everyone has a positive relationship with their mothers. It is sad really. The bond between us and those who birthed and raised us can tragically be shadowed by trauma. Then there are the post-modern issues of fewer marriages and fewer children and increasing incidence of infertility and decreasing adoptions.

So…there’s that. Still I want to celebrate and remember moms. Mothers matter. Mothering can also be beautifully accomplished by grandmothers, aunts, and friends of the family. Thankful for those as well.

[In the links below, you will find other blogs I have written on moms and mothering. Some of what follows has been pulled from those blogs.]

In celebration of Mother’s Day, here are some sweet salutes to all of you who mother well…it’s a long and beautiful journey through life.

“Go to battle, my friend. You are mighty, because you mother! Happy Mother’s Day to Mighty Mothers everywhere! Motherhood is Kingdom business, Jesus work. This shaping of souls, this raising tiny humans…Motherhood is anything but ordinary. You are mighty because you mother!” – Lisa-Jo Baker

Surprised by Motherhood – Lisa-Jo Baker

“You are braver than you know…because you mother.” I thank God for the mothers in my life – some with children, some without but who love that deeply.

Those Other Mothers – Shout-out to those other mothers. You’ve heard the expression guys at times use: “Brothers from another mother”. I’d like to focus a moment on those other mothers. Our mom was that “other mother” for some. She was a treasure – loving, sacrificing, praying for us, grieving our pain with us, and taking joy in us…and those many others God dropped into her life and she simply loved.

Mother’s Day – On Mothering and Grandmothering – a Life of Love, Launching, and Lifting to God – Deb Mills

Mother’s Day – Not the #BestMomEver Nor the Worst – Didn’t Mother Alone, and Then They Were Grown – Deb Mills

The other mothers I want to celebrate today are the mothers-in-law in our lives. My mom is gone…but my mom-in-law, Julia, is still with us and I am so grateful. She, from a distance away, partnered with my mom in teaching me about loving well my husband and children…

With two children married, I am blessed with two co-moms-in-law. This was an unexpected joy – to be able to know and call as friends these two women. They are faithful in loving my children (and our grands) and I hope they see me as that with their treasures. We count on each other…and celebrate every milestone. Prayer warriors together for our kiddos.

Becky & Karen

The last two “other mothers” are the mommies of our grands – our daughter and daughter-in-love. Seeing how they love and parent the littles is a great joy for us. They themselves are a great joy. Happy Mother’s Day, Girls. You are both wonders!

Bekkah & Christie

How about you? Are there other mothers in your lives who inspire or spur you on (whether they have kids themselves or not)? Share in the Comments if you choose.

Preparing Your Heart For Mother’s Day – Jan Harrison

Sweet Video Shows a Normal Day From both Mom’s and Kid’s Perspectives – Caroline Bologna

An Old Story“I remember, when I was a boy, watching a dog fight. A little dog of uncertain lineage, and not built for war, sailed into the street to engage in an argument that bade fair to enlist all the canines of legal age in the neighborhood. I remember watching the little fellow as he tried out the fight for a few minutes only to turn tail and make for his own yard. I was just marking him down for a coward when he reached his front gate, stopped a minute for breath, and returned for the fray. I think he must have run home three or four times during the fight to rest for a moment and then go back with redoubled energy…There are many times when I can keep on only by taking a fresh start from my own fireside…That is one thing home does, and that is one thing for which most of our mothers will be remembered.Umphrey Lee, in William H. Leach compilation: Sermon Hearts From the Gospels, pp. 173-174, 1934

A Mama’s Lament“Slow Down”“I don’t know of a more uttered or whispered phrase from a mother of any age, about her child of any age, than ‘It’s going by too fast.’ I feel like I spend my life trying to slow time. Trying to celebrate the growth and the milestones of my children, and then secretly day dreaming about building a time machine in my garage, so I can return to rocking my babies at midnight. If you’ve ever looked at your child running across a field, or striding across a graduation stage, or walking down the middle aisle of a church clutching a bouquet, you’ll know why this song is special to me. Please enjoy the video below, remembering the moments we wish we could slow down, and sharing them with those we love most.”Nichole Nordeman

Mother’s Day – On Mothering and Grandmothering – a Life of Love, Launching, and Lifting to God – Deb Mills

Mother’s Day – Not the #BestMomEver Nor the Worst – Didn’t Mother Alone, and Then They Were Grown – Deb Mills

Moms, Mothering, and More Than a Single Mother’s Day Can Celebrate – Deb Mills

Open Letter to Our Young Adult Sons and to Their Moms – Deb Mills

The Season of Small Ones – Mothering, God, and Gandalf – Deb Mills

Worship Wednesday – Daddy’s DNA – Brandon Lake

Photo Credit: Brandon Lake, Praisejamzblog

Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.Genesis 1:26-27

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” – Jesus – Matthew 11:28-30

“Everyone the Father gives me will come to me, and the one who comes to me I will never cast out.” – Jesus – John 6:37

So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:31-32

We are created in the image of God. Astounding fact! That means we are hard-wired for goodness and beauty, love and creativity, mercy and justice. Our problem then? Sin. From the beginning, sin has seeded our nature with self-serving and the warped sense that we belong to ourselves not to the God who knows and loves us perfectly. Apart from surrendering ourselves to His lordship, we attempt to live fragmented with bits of His DNA at work in us but far from what He had in mind for us…far from the freedom we can have in Christ’s forgiveness.

This brings us to the beautiful story Jesus told of the prodigal son. In this parable, Jesus brings into focus the lives and relationships of three men – a father and his two sons. The younger son rejected the life his father had for him and chose to sever himself from him. He asked for his inheritance and his father let him go to what would become a life of debauchery…living loosely on the means he did not earn, except by his lineage from his father. The older son stayed with his father, serving him (and tending his own future) as before. The father was heart-broken, and, although it isn’t written, maybe the older son went looking for the younger son to bring him back home. Or maybe he did not. We don’t know. Once the money ran out, the younger son found himself alone and hungry, without relationship or worth. Shame and regret were his only companions. He decided to return to his father asking for his mercy. Was he truly contrite and repentant – we can’t know his heart. He for sure wanted relief from the constant distress he endured, consequence of his poor choices. As he came, his father recognized him, from far off, as if he never stopped looking for his return. The father came running to receive him, welcoming him back home. The older brother? Not so much. In his own self-righteousness, the older brother did not rejoice, even when it pained his father’s heart that he had such a response. Being a good father has its own anguish, and we should always remember that in our love for God and in our treatment of those He loves.

The Parable of the Prodigal Son

Photo Credit: Geoff Thomas, I’ll Be Honest

The Parable of the Running Father – Geoff Thomas

What the Prodigal Son’s Father Teaches Us About Love and Truth – John Clark [this piece is written by a Catholic author. For those of us not Catholic, don’t let that put you off from reading a beautiful essay on God’s relationship with us and His desire for us to know Him and walk with Him.]

Singer, songwriter Brandon Lake just released his latest single “Daddy’s DNA”. It’s a beautiful, honest confession of a prodigal (most likely some of which is Lake’s own story).

Parable of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-32) – David Gowler

The Prodigal Son’s Father Shouldn’t Have Run! – Putting Luke 15:11-32 in Context – Matthew Williams

Worship with me.

I thought the world had something special I was missing
My daddy told me not to chase it, I didn’t listen
I fell downhill a mile a minute
Before I knew it, I was livin’
In a pig sty a long, long way from home

I went runnin’ like a rebel
Racked up debts I couldn’t pay
I went dancing with the devil
With one foot in the grave
How the Heaven did I get here?
Went and threw it all away
All I’ve given You was trouble
All You’ve given me was grace


And the freedom I was chasing felt like prison
Lord, I’ve done so many things, wish I didn’t
And after all the risky business
Could I ever be forgiven?
I’m afraid to even ask to come back home

‘Cause I went runnin’ like a rebel
Racked up debts I couldn’t pay
I went dancing with the devil
With one foot in the grave
How the Heaven did I get here?
Went and threw it all away
All I’ve given You was trouble
All You’ve given me is grace
Given me was grace

When I sobered up, and came back to my senses
I was too far gone to make up all the distance
I gambled all that I’d been given
I was broke, alone and wishing
That I could turn around and go back home
When I heard the sound of footsteps down the road


And You came runnin’ like a rebel
Paid off debts I couldn’t pay
You went dancing with the devil
Sent that liar to his grave
How the Heaven did I get here?
Where every sin has been erased
All I’ve given You was trouble
All You’ve given me is grace


There was something in the marrow
Always coursing through my veins
Buried deeper than the rubble
Is My Daddy’s DNA*

I love this song. The bridge (or benediction?) at the end really gave me pause. We do have the Lord’s DNA in us…what we do with that has eternal consequence. Either we think it is really our DNA and we can live our lives for ourselves, our own ambition and pleasure, and our own perceived destinies…or we recognize Whose we are and what we need to do to alter course and take on the life we were meant to have. That is where joy and freedom really lie. To recognize the prodigal nature in all of us and to return Home to a Father who came for us, in Jesus, and continues to come for us through the Holy Spirit at work in our lives.

My prayer is that His DNA is on beautiful display in all who call Him Father.

*Lyrics to “Daddy’s DNA” – Songwriters: Brandon Lake, Hank Bentley, Jacob Sooter

The Birth of Sin

“Where Are You?” – Genesis 3:7-15 – Lesson 9 – Bible.org

Jesus and Holy Week – Maundy Thursday – Day 5 – Passover Celebration & His Last Supper Before the Cross

http://debmillswriter.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/Blog-Holy-Week-Last-Supper.jpg
Photo Credit – Baptist Press – Courtesy of DeMoss News Pond

[Adapted from the Archives]

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” – John 13:34-35

The Thursday before Jesus’ trial and crucifixion was the awaited celebration of Passover. In this day, we have a picture of Jesus, in all his humanity, and in all his deity. All four of the Gospels written about Jesus’ life have an account of this day’s events (Matthew 26:17-75; Mark 14; Luke 22:7-65; John 13:1-18:27).

After sunset, the Jewish people would take the Passover meal together – as families usually. They would share the Seder and remember how God protected them during the days of their slavery in Egypt.

Photo Credit: Seder Meal, Robert Couse-Baker, Flickr

This particular Thursday is known as Maundy Thursday. Maundy means “commanded” and also can refer to the ceremonial washing of feet.  Jesus took upon himself to wash the dusty feet of his disciples, modeling for them his command to love one another (John 13:34-35).

After Jesus and his disciples finished their meal together, he would then enter the garden Gethsemane to pray. As He prayed, He wrestled with his heavenly Father over the need for him to die. “O my Father, if it is possible, let this cup [of suffering and death] pass from me.” Then, settled in his obedience, “O my Father, if this cup cannot pass away from me unless I drink it, Your will be done.” [Matthew 26:39; Matthew 26:42]

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/8/80/Giorgio_Vasari_-_The_Garden_of_Gethsemane_-_Google_Art_Project.jpgPhoto Credit: Wikimedia

Sometime during that dark night of the soul, he turned his attention toward his disciples and all the rest of us, across the ages, who would follow him. His prayer to the Father, recorded in John 17, is exquisitely beautiful, especially in the context of this difficult night. [Take time to read it in full, but I’ve included a part of it below.]

“Holy Father, keep them in Your name, the name which You have given Me, that they may be one even as We are. I have given them Your word; and the world has hated them, because they are not of the world, even as I am not of the world. I do not ask You to take them out of the world, but to keep them from the evil one. Sanctify them in the truth; Your word is truth. As You sent Me into the world, I also have sent them into the world. “I do not ask on behalf of these alone, but for those also who believe in Me through their word; that they may all be one; even as You, Father, are in Me and I in You, that they also may be in Us, so that the world may believe that You sent Me.”

Then out of the darkness, Jesus’ disciple Judas Iscariot came to betray him. He was leading a group of the religious leaders, along with a huge company of soldiers. Although Jesus’ loyal disciples wanted to resist his arrest, Jesus refused their intervening and surrendered himself…not to the mob but to the will of the Father.

The betrayal was complete. His disciples fled (although those closest to him would soon seek out where he was being held). Jesus would spend the rest of the night in the tormenting custody of his enemies. The countdown to the cross had begun in earnest. A countdown that actually began at the Fall of humanity, and, under the careful watch of God, our Father…a countdown toward restoring us back to Himself.

One more day…

Jesus Prays for His Disciples…and For Us – Ralph F. Wilson

Photo Credit: Speak Life UK

The Final Days of Jesus – Andreas J. Kostenberger & Justin Taylor

Monday Morning Moment – Not Us and Them, But We – Benching Divisiveness

Photo Credit: His Place

Too much of life and culture these days is polarizing. It may have always been so. Good guys and bad guys. Heroes and villains. Liberals and conservatives. Secular and religious. The list goes on forever.

When I woke this morning, many of these ideas and conflicts were bouncing around in my brain. Then the idea came to mind: “Not Us and Them, but We.” What can grow our capacity for civil discourse? How can we nurture curiosity in our thinking, especially in communication with those who have very different ideas than we might have? What moves us toward understanding rather than acting on the motivation to move “them” to think like “us”?

Often in the last several weeks, in particular, conversations either center on politics, or it’s “the elephant in the room”. Fortunately I have friends who differ from me in some of our political views but they seek to understand, which gives me the same potential for my understanding their views.

Organizational psychologist and author, Adam Grant, often points to the distractions that keep us divided or on edge with each other. He gives wise counsel.

Photo Credit: Screenshot, Adam Grant, X

I also have friends who have pretty much ghosted me over the same views. Conversation is just too emotionally charged. Too anxiety-provoking. I respect that, but I also miss the possibility of learning from them and dialoging together such that both of us can see things from a higher vantage point.

Writer, leadership coach Scott Sauls posted an article just this weekend that resonates with this very current issue. Without really focusing on politics, he expands the idea of differences to incorporate our stances on all of life…and on people with whom we have conflict. In fact, he points to three identities we may have for ourselves and others, and how those identities keep us divided against each other. Below are quotes from this article – click on the link to read all the wisdom found there. Still a quick read.

“Family, work, team, tribe, church, community, and nation—every sphere of life has its culture, and in each one, we assign roles. We naturally place people or groups into the categories of victim, villain, or hero to suit our own biases. Sometimes, one person or group is cast in all three roles, as we seek to simplify complex situations and deflect blame away from ourselves.”

In almost every conflict, we instinctively conclude that someone is hurt, someone is to blame, and someone must intervene to make things right. These roles are common in the stories we read, the movies we watch, the news we consume, and the communities we are part of. But victim, villain, and hero are also the roles we quietly assign to ourselves and others as we navigate difficult relationships and painful experiences.”

The Peril of Playing the Victim – When we assume the role of victim as our primary identity, we risk trapping ourselves in a story of bitterness and self-pity. We replay the wrongs done to us over and over, feeding a narrative that makes the presumed offender larger than life and ourselves perpetually powerless. Over time, the victim mindset tempts us to believe that others are responsible for our misery and that our healing depends almost entirely on their repentance or punishment.”

The Peril of Casting Others as Villains – If playing the victim is one danger, the second is casting others as villains. When someone wrongs us, it is easy to reduce them to their very worst moment or season, and to nothing more than the sum of their sins. They are no longer a whole person with complexities, struggles, and good qualities—they are simply “the one who hurt me.” We judge them harshly, as though their worst moment defines their entire character, while conveniently minimizing our own flaws…The labels we assign—especially when shaped by our pain—often obscure the truth.”

The Peril of Seeing Ourselves or Others as Heroes – Another dangerous role to assume is that of the hero. Heroes see life in black and white—good versus bad, victims versus villains—and position themselves as the ones who can fix it all. Sometimes, this looks like trying to rescue others from pain, taking on burdens that aren’t ours. Other times, it looks like moral superiority: we believe we’re the righteous ones who would never behave like “those people,” and our role is to rescue others from “them.” Still other times, people want to step in as heroes to protect themselves from the wrath of “victims” who are known for punishing and persecuting those who refuse to rescue them from their “villains.””

Sauls ends his post with the Gospel of Jesus Christ being the better story:

The gospel dismantles the victim, villain, and hero roles by telling a different story—one where Jesus is the only one who can truly make things right. It teaches us that:

  • If we are in fact victims, we are seen, loved, and cared for by a God who is near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18). But our healing is not dependent on human justice; it is rooted in the grace of God, who works all things together for good (Romans 8:28).
  • As those who have been wronged, we must forgive as we have been forgiven (Ephesians 4:32). Forgiveness does not deny the reality of harm, and it does not grant trust where trust has not been reestablished through repentance, reconciliation, and sincere efforts to repair, but it releases us from the burden of bitterness and entrusts justice to God.
  • As those tempted to self-righteousness and pride, we are reminded that we, too, have sinned and that our salvation is a gift, not a reward (Romans 3:24). Paul’s rhetorical question and subsequent answer—“Are we any better? Absolutely not” (Romans 6:15)!—become relevant for us, as well.

When we let go of the victim, villain, and hero mindsets, we step into a life shaped by humility, grace, and reconciliation. Humility reminds us that we are all broken and in need of mercy. Grace empowers us to forgive others as we have been forgiven. And reconciliation—where possible—invites us to repair what is broken and pursue peace.” – Scott Sauls

Overcoming the Victim, Villain, and Hero Trap – How the Gospel Frees Us From Denying, Blaming, and Deflecting – Scott Sauls

Where do you see yourself in these scenarios? Do we view ourselves as the hero, fighting for others? Or are we the victim and see another (person or party) as the villain?

Photo Credit: Adam Grant, X

Thoughtful disagreement doesn’t start with “You’re wrong!” It begins with “I’d love to understand your thinking better.” Attacking conclusions closes minds. Asking about reasoning opens them. Good debates don’t have winners or losers. They leave everyone more informed. Adam Grant, X

My husband often puts one of his favorite adages – “We are better than me.” – in work conversations, especially those related to drifting into silo thinking. So much better than where we often find ourselves, if we’re not intentional, which is an “us and them” mentalities. Unfortunately, the “us” is too often deemed better than “them”. Whenever we can, let’s work toward getting “the us’s” to talk to “the them’s” with the goal of becoming “a we”. I know this might seem less complicated in a work situation when an employer mandates this sort of action. However, it is also possible in families, friend groups, and communities which have become fractured because of a rift or rupture. We can be hopeful if we’re willing to be humble, forgiving, curious, and full of grace. God will definitely grease the tracks in that direction.

In It Together – Emma Scrivener

How Estrangement Has Become an Epidemic in America – Joshua Coleman and Will Johnson

What Estranged Families Can Teach Us About the Political Divide – Joshua Coleman

“Seeing every interaction as win-lose isn’t smart. It’s shortsighted. Evidence: People who view others’ gains as their loss see potential allies as hostile and miss out on productive collaborations. In the long run, the best path to success and happiness is striving for win-win.”Adam Grant, X

Worship Wednesday – Friends – Michael W. Smith

A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Proverbs 18:24

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.Proverbs 17:17

Iron sharpens iron, and one person sharpens another.Proverbs 27:17

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. – Jesus – John 15:13-15

I have written about friends often through the years. A LOT. As a very imperfect friend myself, God has graced me with good and strong friendships over my lifetime. Some of those friends are family. Most are not related by blood, but by heart and purpose. I am forever grateful.

Our son Nathan took me out to breakfast for my birthday. He is not only family but a cherished friend. He can be so funny, and yet our conversations seem to always go to the serious side of life. Probably because I’m on the other side of the table.

During this meal together, we talked some about friends and about family. Mostly about friends. What sorts of friendships make it through our lifetimes? What sort of friend do we want to be? We talked about speaking truth to each other “in love”, about shouldering each other’s burdens, about giving grace and seeking understanding, about long-suffering, and about when and if a season is over in a friendship.

I wish you could have been able to hear the wisdom he shared with his mama. Ours is a friendship that I believe will weather any storm, for which I am grateful. I pray that I won’t cause him pain or put pressure on him because of some sort of selfish ambition. He, like a treasured few others in family and community, is a picture of Jesus in my life.

Friendships take time, and we only have a finite bit of that. How do we measure out our time? Or our hearts and minds, for that matter? Some friendships are (in the common vernacular) “a life suck”. They aren’t easy to stay in. Especially when there is emotional (even spiritual) pain as a fruit of those relationships. These sorts of relationships probably generated the terms “toxic” and “boundaries”, and I get it.

My hope for him and the rest of our family is to keep Christ the Lord of our friendships. He will guide us through them, and if necessary, away from them. Across this longish life of mine, I’ve had hard friendships, some of which couldn’t weather our differences. Some friends have stuck with me, even when they received little back, for which I’m forever grateful. These friends (some of whom are also family) have encouraged me to do better and have affirmed my own commitment to be present, when possible.

Today, I came across a gem of poetry by writer Molly Burford. She entitles the piece “Types of People You Need to hang On To (Parts 1 and 2)”. Her words inspire both the kind of friend to be and the kind of friendship to nurture. We do NOT want to take for granted such people in our lives.

Moments to Hold Close – Molly Burford

Photo Credit: Thought Catalog, Facebook
Photo Credit: Molly Burford, Thought Catalog, Facebook

Moments to Hold Close – Molly Burford

In the afterglow of breakfast with Nathan, alone again working at home, I was reminded of Michael W. Smith‘s old, old song “Friends”, written in the 80s. His wife, Debbie, actually wrote the lyrics, and he composed the music. It’s a song about letting go of friends – not the friendship but the nearness of them (either if they have relocated or gone to be with the Father).

One of the lines is so compelling: “Friends are friends forever, if the Lord’s the Lord of them.” We can have complicated friendships and we only have so much time…true friendships can endure distance and differences. Especially if the Lord covers them. That is key.

Another line always gives me goosebumps (and one day tears, when I get them back – that’s another story): “a lifetime’s not too long to live as friends“. We may not always be as close as we would like – between the pull of a 24-hour day and other relationships that require our attention. However, we can hope to be friends forever…given great grace.

I am deeply grateful for those forever friends in my life – some from my family and some who have chosen to be family. You know who you are. Thank you.

Worship God in this classic Michael W. Smith tribute to the Lord’s gift of friends and true friendship:

Packing up the dreams God planted
In the fertile soil of you
I can’t believe the hopes He’s granted
Means a chapter of your life is through

[Pre-Chorus]
But we’ll keep you close as always
It won’t even seem you’ve gone
‘Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

[Chorus]
And friends are friends forever
If the Lord’s the Lord of them

And a friend will not say never
‘Cause the welcome will not end
Though it’s hard to let you go
In the Father’s hands we know
That a lifetime’s not too long
To live as friends


And with the faith and love God’s given
Springing from the hope we know
We will pray the joy you live in
Is the strength that now you show

[Pre-Chorus]
But we’ll keep you close as always
It won’t even seem you’ve gone (It won’t seem you’ve gone)
‘Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong
Yeah, yeah

[Chorus]
And friends are friends forever
If the Lord’s the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
‘Cause the welcome will not end
Though it’s hard to let you go
In the Father’s hands we know
That a lifetime’s not too long
To live as friends

And friends are friends forever
If the Lord’s the Lord of them (The lord-)
And a friend will not say never (It will never say-)
‘Cause the welcome will not end (Ooh)
Though it’s hard to let you go
In the Father’s hands we know
That a lifetime’s not too long
To live as friends

To live as friends

[Outro]
Though it’s hard to let you go
In the Father’s hands we know
That a lifetime’s not too long
To live as friends
No a lifetime’s not too long
To live as friends

*Lyrics to Friends – Songwriters: Michael W. Smith & Deborah D. Smith

Monday Morning Moment – Real Friendship – on Friends Who Wound, Fierce Friends, Friends who Turn Around, and Friends Who Stay – Deb Mills

YouTube Video – TV Special – 35 Years of Friends – Celebrating the Music of Michael W. Smith

YouTube Video – Michael W. Smith (Friends) – excerpt from TV special above

Monday Morning Moment – “They Did the Best They Could”

A quote from Curt Thompson MD’s book The Soul of Shame

“They did the best they could.” This statement usually follows a description of one’s hard childhood, lack of closeness to one or both parents, or attachment or addiction issues in adulthood. For some, this may be an attempt to pull back from blaming our parents. When we become curious about our childhood, we also find ourselves curious about our parents’ childhood…and their parents. Blaming really gets us nowhere. What we have available to us these days in terms of mental and relational health is so much more than our parents had available to them.

My parents may have done the best they could. For sure, they did what they knew to do. I think of my mom sometimes. What a difference it would have made in her own life to have access to the helps we have today! And she was a good mom. She, my absent biological father, and my beloved step-dad all made mistakes in parenting. I sure did, as well. In many ways, I wish I could go back and change some things. My kids and I have talked about this. In their graciousness, they have released me from the less-than-best parenting I did. Still, it requires me to forgive myself.

Monday Morning Moment – Family of Origin – What’s Your Story? – Deb Mills

[Sidebar: one of my children reminded me that generations of parents have had the Bible as a guidebook and it is full of wisdom. When I talk about present-day helps, I mean experts in the fields of science and medicine who have added to our application of Biblical truth. Curt Thompson, MD is one of those experts.]

Where am I going with this? Last week, I attended my first Connections conference. It is sponsored by the Center for Being Known (CBK), and Curt Thompson is the founder of CBK. Curt also chairs the podcast Being Known with Pepper Sweeney and Amy Cella. That podcast has been like a masterclass for me. So good! Curt is also an accomplished writer, and I’ve read all his books! He is easy to read and has literally changed my life…changed my thinking on so many things – how the brain was created, how we can rewire it after trauma, how we can reframe memory, how we can deal with shame in healthy ways, how we can flourish in community. So many things!

Below you will find some quotes from his books. During the conference, a powerpoint was running between sessions with these and many more quotes displayed. So rich…and delightful to be reminded of these truths. Whatever your background and wherever you are in life, his books will change your life as they have mine.

I will revisit the content from this Connections conference (“Imagination to Incarnation”) on another day. For now, I just wanted to whet your appetite for the possibility of healing, even in the face of childhood trauma, family estrangement, anxiety, depression, isolation and shame.

Whatever your situation, there is help. We can’t go back, but we can go forward. We can reframe memories. We can repair breaches in relationships. We can tell our stories to people who care about us. We can name our struggle. We can begin again.

These are not just lofty ideas. I sat in a room with 450 or so others who are doing the work of healing. Of being better, even doing better. It was a beautiful, hopeful experience.

Postscript: The speakers from this Connections conference and the promo for Connections 2025.

Photo Credit: Facebook, Curt Thompson MD

Monday Morning Moment – Healing from Sorrow and Grief – with Adam Young, Francis Weller, Curt Thompson, & Jesus – Deb Mills

Transformed By the Renewing of Your Mind – Dr. Curt Thompson

Toxic Shame Has Its Own Neurobiology. The Gospel Offers a Cure. – Werner Mischke [ a Review of Curt Thompson’s book The Soul of Shame: Retelling the Stories We Believe About Ourselves]

Good Friday, Families and Hospitality (Dr. Curt Thompson, Part Two) – Conversation with Center for Christian Civics – exploring what Good Friday has to do with hard conversations about politics in the church

Spirituality, Neuroplasticity, and Personal Growth – Dr. Curt Thompson

Monday Morning Moment – Lessons Not Regrets

Photo Credit: Debbie Hampton

Have you made any errors in judgment lately? Did your judgment lead you to attitudes or actions that you would later regret? I have, maybe not as of yet this morning, but definitely yesterday. Some folks are more accomplished at shrugging them off and moving on. I over-think them, and sometimes beat myself up for them. Not always correcting course, as in taking responsibility, apologizing, and making amends.

Ugh!

Fortunately, I have folks in my life who allow me to process these mistakes and determine the best way forward. Both inside my own head and in relationship with others. Community (i.e. caring accountability) is a wonderful thing.

The graphic above is taken from an article written by Debbie Hampton, this brilliant woman who is also a suicide survivor – talk about a person who took a dark turn in her decision-making and managed to come out the other side in a much better place.

She talks about taking the mistakes we make and dealing with them with forgiveness, kindness, and compassion. We don’t have to be bound by our regret of decisions made. We can reframe our memories and can hopefully extend grace, both to ourselves and others. As we shake off the negative and explore what we can learn, a mental shift and positive action plan are possible. Turning our regrets into lessons.

Have Lessons Not Regrets – Debbie Hampton

One discipline in decision-making is to assess how it is we are prone to find ourselves, again and again, in situations that cause hurt to ourselves and others.

Psychologist Carrie Steckl writes about three errors that can affect our decision-making:

  • Representativeness bias – our tendency to judge a situation based on our predominate experiences and beliefs about the situation.
  • Availability bias – our tendency to make decisions based on what is most familiar to us, whether it is the best choice for us or not.
  • Confirmatory bias – our tendency to make an early judgment and listen only to information that validates that judgment.

Three Errors In Judgment We Are All Too Inclined To Make – Carrie Steckl

This was really helpful for me, because I can default to negative thinking, rather than taking charge and turning a situation around. This comes out of habit, and I want to change that habit.

The Trilogy of Errors: Hidden Influences on Your Decisions: How Psychologically Blind, Deaf, and Dumb Spots Can Unexpectedly Derail Judgment – Nuala Walsh – another great read on how our decisions are affected

For the moment, still reeling from how my afternoon was derailed yesterday with mistaken decision-making, I want to focus on the importance of moving regrets into life lessons. Habit formation is key, undergirded by three elements: consistency, intensity, and community. Entrepreneur and motivational speaker Sahil Bloom gives a simple yet profound way to approach habit formation:

Photo Credit: Sahil Bloom, Twitter

This is where I am today. How about you? Any regrets? Let’s determine to turn the corner on these by making some simple, thoughtful changes in our mental maps and resultant actions.

Monday Morning Moment – Being Right All the Time

Photo Credit: TeePublic

It must be a burden being right all the time…or maybe not. That sense of authority on what’s right clears the room of two important qualities – curiosity and humility.

My husband and I have a running joke about being right. He will make a statement about something which I may not agree with in that moment. Then as we talk, I realize he’s right. Then he will say, “I could be wrong, but I’m not very often”.

Now you may take offense at that, but if you know my husband, he is not arrogant and he is a life-long learner. Curiosity and humility are very much a part of his character.

If we’re honest, what he says in jest is what we often believe about our own thinking. Whether we voice it or not, it’s there. We believe we are right…which could mean she/he/they are wrong.

This is a huge political season in the US. The Presidential election is days away. Everyone has an opinion. Everything thinks they are right. Dialog and reasoning together are as rare as truth. Did I just say that?

I wish we could talk. Speak unfiltered from our hearts. Genuinely consider the future of our children and grandchildren. Vote our consciences. It may not always be possible. However…do we just draw away from each other and close ranks with those who agree with us? Or maybe we aren’t sure who they are, who even agrees with us after all…

“You know what you get to be when you get to be right all the time? You get to be alone.”Pepper Sweeney, Being Known Podcast

“You can be right and you can be left” – another family saying to which I’ll add (as Pepper Sweeney said above) “but you can only be together when you meet in the middle”.

Photo Credit: Heartlight

I recently met up with a dear friend who had on a political t-shirt. She is one of the loveliest persons you would ever want to know. The t-shirt had some messaging (I’m not going to get it completely right) which communicated about one political party bringing us altogether – uniting us all, no matter who we were. In the design, there were hands holding signs high with all sorts of causes, identities, and alliances. As we talked, I kept studying the t-shirt design and realized I wasn’t represented amongst the “all togethers”.

It got me thinking again about how we all are sure we’re right – About a lot of things. About the candidates, the government, the future, the people who make up America. Politics has gotten to be such a game of deceit – who can make us believe them the most; who can tell the best stories and get us off our couches to vote for them? I would love to have a gathering, at church or with friends or family, to really sort out what are our better choices given what we have to work with. Is it even possible to own our struggle? Or wonder if we’re right or wrong? A better conversation may be to determine what is right thinking post-election, no matter who wins. What is our right response and best path forward?

So much blaming, polarizing, scapegoating, victimizing or playing the victim on the news and in social media right now. I’d love to have an opportunity to dialog in a forum where we agree we may not be right – we may not know everything we need to know – but we want to do right by each other. Would that be possible? Ever? Comment below if you have known that sort of experience in recent years.

Photo Credit: Heartlight

Well…just wondering aloud this morning. I’m still hopeful. In fact, even I think I’m right most of the time. Don’t we all?! However, I’m willing to learn and especially to learn to do right, whether I am right all the time or not. We can’t be right if we don’t do right. Am I right? Here’s to more humility and more curiosity! And if you’re thinking it’s your candidate who’s right, is it possible you could be wrong? Or for sure, not right all the time…on this matter, I am in a quandary myself. Peace.

Photo Credit: Heartlight

Monday Morning Moment – Whenever Possible, Affirmation and Encouragement Over Criticism

Photo Credit: Strategy-Business

Let’s say you need to have a difficult conversation with someone…a crucial conversation. How do we make it happen and still preserve the relationship, the trust between us? We’ve all heard of (and probably experienced the “feedback sandwich” – start with the positive, then interject the negative, and finish off with a last positive (see here for the many takes on this approach). This approach doesn’t wash anymore, right? It’s just not honest.

I’d like to point to a great piece written by a pastor. Well, he was a pastor until last Fall when he resigned from his position because of what was labeled as “harsh leadership”. Scott Sauls, this pastor, until last year, was a gifted Bible teacher and celebrated author (I’ve read many of his books). He was mentored for years by the late Timothy Keller who was himself a man of great integrity. Keller walked the talk…always.

Scott Sauls was this sort of man also…and in the months after he resigned from the pastorate, he has done the work of restoration…reconciling with those he led (not always well) and returning to a work where he is using what he’s learned to help others not make his same mistakes.

His blog “Speaking Words that Make Souls Stronger” has the clarity of one who hasn’t always spoken the truth in love and yet understands the cost of ill-spoken words. He has corrected course. His counsel is weighty and life-giving:

“In a sincere effort to “speak the truth,” we can lose our way and miss the fact that truth — in order to be true in the truest sense — must be packaged in a love that is patient, kind, does not envy or boast, is not proud or dishonoring, is not self-seeking or easily angered, that keeps no record of wrongs, that does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth, that always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres, and that never fails (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).

“Rather than rushing to find fault, we have every reason proactively seek opportunities to, as Tim Keller called it, ‘catch others doing good’ and to encourage (put courage into) others.”

“Does that mean we just “live and let live” when we see friends and family exhibiting destructive behaviors? Of course not. When someone in our lives is caught in addiction or destructive behavior, the loving thing to do is to help them out of it through intervention.

But intervention is not damning criticism; it’s redemptive critique that is motivated by restoring and building up. Criticism aims to harm and shame. Critique, on the other hand, seeks to leave a person feeling cared for and called to become a better version of themselves. Criticism will leave a person feeling belittled and beaten down. Paul says, ‘If anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness‘ (Galatians 6:1-2).”

“Sometimes love calls us to be courageous because it takes courage to offer the gift of redemptive critique. It also takes courage to receive the same…So, critique redemptively when you must. And at all times, for God’s sake, affirm and encourage. Put courage into a soul — wherever and whenever you can.”

I appreciate Scott Sauls. He may still have days when he is tempted to be critical of others…probably does have those days. Yet, it sounds like he has gained wisdom from those days. And we all benefit from it.

Photo Credit: Martin Luther King Jr., Heartlight
Photo Credit: Crucial Conversations, Reading Graphics

We all have situations that require hard conversations. They can be less hard as we incorporate a gentler, but no less honest approach. “Speaking the truth in love”. Not backing away from conflict, but “using our words” to affirm and encourage when possible. Then when necessary, practicing a redemptive critique rather than a harsh criticism. Genuinely caring for the welfare of the other person communicates more than we may think. The conversation still happens (don’t shy away from it), but it can be restorative.

Bottom line: To have an effective, impactful hard conversation, you have to love the person in front of you. If your care only extends to the mission of your organization, the health of your family, or your own personal interests/concerns, the outcome you want will evade you. You can care about those things, of course. You probably wouldn’t push to have the conversation if you didn’t. The first step to that conversation has to be a heart check on yourself. The key motivation has to be that you genuinely care about the person in front of you. That changes everything, including the tone of your words and your approach. If you love someone, you communicate it (in the workplace, organization, family, friendship). If you don’t love that person, the conversation won’t turn out redemptively for you, the other person, or the situation. Loving that person matters.

Photo Credit: Crucial Conversations, Reading Graphics

Monday Morning Moment – Use Your Words – Deb Mills

5 Friday Faves – Beyond the Guitar’s “Spirit”, Reducing Brain Fog, Crucial Conversations, the Precious Nature of Life, and What We Have in Common – Deb Mills (esp. the Faves of “Crucial Conversations” and also “What We Have in Common”

Monday Morning Moment – Strengthening Decision-making with Collaborative Conversations – Deb Mills

Two of Scott Sauls’ blogs below – wisdom

Weeping in Nashville – Where Is God When Unspeakable Acts Beget Unspeakable Sorrow? – Scott Sauls

Once Upon a Time, Tolkien Felt Like a Failure – Give Your Failure Some Time, and It May Become Your Truest Success – Scott Sauls

Photo Credit: Heartlight

Anniversary Milestone – 40 Years Married – a Walk with God and Each Other

2009 April May Trip to Georgia 112 (2)

[Adapted from the Archives]

And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.  – Colossians 3:15-20

On August 4, we will be 40 years married! Whew! Thanks be to God!

The flight of years shows in our bodies and minds, but for us, it is most apparent in the launch of adult children into their own lives, work, and marriages. Then…it comes back to just the two of us…and I am grateful for his company.

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Our marriage has always been of a quiet steady sort . My husband and I married best friends. We were polar opposites in most ways, except our faith and being raised in Southern families, with Godly, praying mamas. He was “read and follow directions” marrying “fly by the seat of her pants.” It was definitely a match made in Heaven because we would need the God of Heaven to keep us on course as we figured marriage out…both without and, later, with children.

In fact, those of you who know us well know the struggles we have had figuring out parenting (both young children and then adult children). Also the challenges of having very different ideas and giftings on doing life. I’ve written so much about this in my journals over the years, wrestling with God and my own heart in these areas. Should our kids read those journals one day, I trust them to handle the pages of angst about our marriage with gentleness and understanding. Hopefully they have always seen us pull together more than pull apart.

I’ve often quoted Elisabeth Elliot on love and marriage. Two thoughts come to mind. She speaks of love as being “a laid-down life.” She also talks of marriage as being good for Christians to mature in their walk with God, because [in marriage] “there’s so much scope for sinning.” My husband has taught me a lot in both of these areas, and I, him – hopefully more on the lines of laying down our lives for each other, rather than the scope for sinning part…sigh.

2005 December - Christmas with Mills & Halls 089a (2)

Whatever these nearing forty years have produced with us together, the best of it has been 3 great young people (and the 2 beautiful extra children who’ve joined our family through them, so far)…and GRANDCHILDREN! Alongside those treasures is the unalterable way the Lord has knit us together, my husband and me, with each other and with Him.

I have some idea what is ahead, given our ages and the world around us (we’ve already been through a cancer diagnosis, big job changes, losses of dear parents, and sickness in our children and grandchildren). The hard is softened by what is promised (and proven) through God’s Word. Whatever is ahead, I am so grateful for what I’ve learned through this man who married me 40 years ago.

He has given me the face of a man who does not give up, of one who never leaves the room, of one who fights for what is right, of one who is tender toward the weak, of one who loves no matter what. I have been both the recipient of this and the one by his side as he extends himself to others.

Now, we are two again…as in the beginning of our relationship.  Yet we are at a very different place. God has shown Himself to be ever-present in all these years of our lives. For many years I didn’t think marriage was to be mine…then Dave came into my life quite providentially. God gave me exactly what I needed in this husband of mine – a man as true as steel in his walk with God and with his family. We count on him; he counts on God. Whatever happens out there in front of us…I have peace, on this 40th anniversary, that God will be there for each of us, to show us how to live…as He has in all these years thus far.

Through the Years – YouTube video of Kenny Rogers Ballad

YouTube Video – Jesus and You – Matthew West

YouTube Video – You’re Still the One – Shania Twain [Twain’s “still the one” is no longer her one, but the song is beautiful. So I wanted to keep it in this list since Dave’s still my one.]

YouTube Video – Brandon Lake – NOTHING NEW (I DO) – Wedding Version ft. Brittany Lake

Sacred Marriage – What if God Designed Marriage to Make us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy – by Gary Thomas – Such a great book!

An example of Elisabeth Elliot’s counsel to one marrying – Always forgive.

Elisabeth Elliot Quotes