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Monday Morning Moment – Reflecting on Family

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[Dave’s Mom, Our Adult Kids, Dave & Me – Not all the grands are on social media – but they begin the next generation of our family.]

I want to write about family…well, this family right here. In fact, I want to write a letter to them. Feel free to read along.

Dear Family,

Yesterday was a sweet time celebrating our September birthday guys – Dave & Nathan. Father & First Son. You both are so dear to all of us.

To you siblings and siblings-in-law, I love you so much. In the early years, I had this wild idea about how, while we live in the same city, we would get together weekly – like for Sunday dinner – like in the TV show Blue Bloods.

[Blue Bloods – read the short piece on how their weekly family gatherings shaped the show and character relationships.]

We don’t get together weekly, and that’s ok. When we do get together, it can be loud and opinionated, just like that TV family. However, it’s always rich – food for thought as well as body. Hope you leave each time, not just with a full tummy but, with the refreshed understanding of how much you are loved. Not just by Dad and me but by your siblings.

[I’m a faithful documenter of people and special events. Always working on their patience. It means a lot when everyone cues up and smiles, but occasionally someone doesn’t feel like it…and that’s ok.]

To our youngest: I know being the baby of the family can get old, especially when you find yourself in your mid-30s. Hopefully you know that your opinions matter to your family. We want to know what you think… always. It made me sad that you were suffering from a headache through most of the meal yesterday. Please take heart that although we all don’t always agree on everything, we are grounded in love for each other. That’s priority and it will never change. Ever. I want to thank you for loving your family, too. You don’t have to show up and yet you do. There is a measure of hard in your life, different from ours, which would be easy for you to stay focused on. It gives us immeasurable joy when you are able to shake off the hard and laugh about “the old days”, tease your siblings and absorb their ribbing, and love on your nieces and nephews. It’s also no small thing how you serve us (me) – baking and straightening.

[Lots of Sibling Love Right Here]

To the married siblings and their spouses: You have incredibly busy lives, and yet for those hours when we are together for the odd special occasion, time slows. You are present. You are engaged. You are yourselves. The flow of conversation is easy and animated. You roll with the skirmishes between little cousins and you parent them all so well. I hope you know how much you are loved. As your Dad (Dad-in-law) and I get older, we are so grateful for how you hang in there with us and each other. Family estrangement is so prevalent in our world today, but so far, we have weathered the storms. Your commitment to our family is something we do NOT take for granted.

[The Guys]

[The Big Sister & the Little Brother]

To any who are reading: all families are different. Within each family, there are tremendous differences in temperaments, preferences, and even worldview. Ruptures can happen and repair is hard to come by. Our Sunday birthday dinner reminded me of things learned over the last few years:

  • We can make a place of safety and security for those we live.
  • When we are only around people who agree with us, we experience an echo chamber of affirmation. When we experience dissonant voices from those who love us, we learn how to better love those different from us.
  • In a rowdy family discussion, we still probably agree more than we disagree. Take an inventory on that from time to time. How do we affirm each other even when we don’t agree?
  • Lead with curiosity and empathy. If contempt is stirred up, recognize it for the destroyer of relationships it is, and take steps against it (see here).
  • Remember life is messy. Family is messy. We may prefer our lives (and families) to “look” a certain way, but it’s healthier for us to be real and honest with each other. “The human mind doesn’t have the capacity to live a life so curated” (convo with friend/counselor Taryn Blocker).
  • Flexibility is a character quality we all need to navigate relationships when people are crossing our boundaries. Flexibility, humility, and forgiveness. It’s going to happen, especially in family. Respecting boundaries goes both ways and takes both self-care and other-care. Or relationships break down.
  • What else? What would you add to those list? Please share in comments.

[The original three & me]

I am very thankful for this family. With all our warts. Not unlike any other family out there. So thankful for the relationships these siblings have with each other, and for the littles with their sibling and cousin relationships. Check out these beautiful reels from Instagram on the topic.

Instagram – Siblings Are One of the Most Important Relationships You Will Ever Have

Instagram – “Who do we call when you’re not around?”…”Each other.”

Finally, I’d like to just mention psychiatrist Dr. Gabor Maté‘s opinion on how all children grow up in different families with different parents. He justifies that thinking about how we, as parents, change and evolve in our thinking on parenting, with each child, and our children are all different from each other. We may even use the same practices but our children react differently to them. The old adage” of “caught or taught” would bring meaning to this as well.

“Siblings may grow up in the same house, but that doesn’t mean their childhoods were the same. Not even close.

Same parents? Nope.
Same family? Nope.
Same childhood? Absolutely not.

Parents show up differently for each child depending on the season of their life, their relationship, and even their financial situation.

It’s not about who is loved more.
It’s about how that love is expressed — and how each child experiences it.

If you’ve ever wondered why you and your siblings remember childhood so differently — this is why. – Clip from The Mel Robbins Podcast, Conversation with Dr. Gabor Maté – “Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal”

How Today’s Parents Say their Approach to Parenting Does – or Doesn’t – Match Their Own Upbringing – Pew Research – Kiley Hurst, Dana Braga, Shannon Greenwood, Chris Baronavski, & Michael Keegan

Dr. Gabor Maté Explains His ‘No Two Children HaveThe Same Parents’ Philosophy – Annie Reneau

Then, to those amazing adult children, add spouses, careers, and varied life experiences to the equation, and we continue to have the wonder of family – familiar and yet also new and changing. It makes for a fascinating Sunday dinner experience…and a lifetime of tilling the soil of a safe, secure, and hopefully sacred love for each other.

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Monday Morning Moment – Heart Check: Are You Content?

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Photo Credit: AZQuotes

[Adapted from the Archives]

The state of contentment is on my mind this morning. From time to time, I’m moved to check my heart in this area, because being content can be a struggle. Contentment is NOT the same as resignation. In fact, it is far from it. Contentment can be defined as “the state of being mentally or emotionally satisfied with things as they are.”

During a season of emotional and spiritual discontent decades ago (which I wrote about here), my sweet husband introduced me to Jerry Bridges‘ book The Practice of Godliness. He had marked the chapter on contentment and gave the book to me on his way to work. Without judgment. Just love and concern. I read it right at that moment.

Bridges (now with the LORD) had this great gift of writing with such clarity and simplicity that we could soak up these truths with life-changing certainty. Thanks to Bridges’ gentle, humble writing, I didn’t take offense – “He doesn’t know what it’s like for me!” – and I learned afresh contentment in life. I am still learning.

In the book of Genesis, the very first sin of humankind was born out of discontent. Satan tempted Eve, and then Adam, with the idea that God was not good and didn’t not have their best interest in mind. His temptation wooed Eve into taking her life into her own hands, choosing to disobey God’s one command. Bridges wrote about the eroding nature of discontent in three areas – possessions, position/power, and the providence of God.

The Apostle Paul commented on how he had learned to be content in all things. He doesn’t give the secret of being content here, but in 2 Corinthians 12:9 as the foundation for his contentment.

Photo Credit: Daily Verses

The POWERFUL Philippians 4:11 Meaning (‘I Have Learned To Be Content’) – Jeffery Curtis Poor

Jerry Bridges gives the secret of living in humble and joyful contentment:

“This is the secret of being content: To learn and accept that 1) we live daily by God’s unmerited favor given through Christ, and that 2) we can respond to any and every situation by His divine enablement through the Holy Spirit.” – Jerry Bridges, AZ Quotes

If you struggle with discontent, with wanting life to be different than what it is right now, you would do well to read Jerry Bridges’ chapter on contentment. It brought me to my senses, for sure.

In honoring the impact this man has had on my life and thousands of others, I’d like to post some of his quotes. Learn from this dear brother even as he’s right now in the presence of God.

“Contentment is one of the most distinguishing traits of the Godly person, because a Godly person has his heart focused on God rather than on possessions or position or power.” – Jerry Bridges, LikeSuccess

“Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God’s grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God’s grace.” – Jerry Bridges, AZ Quotes

“Lord, I am willing To receive what You give. To lack what You withhold. To relinquish what You take, To suffer what You inflict, To be what You require.” – Jerry Bridges, AZ Quotes

“Grace is never cheap. It is absolutely free to us, but infinitely expensive to God… Anyone who is prone to use grace as a license for irresponsible, sinful behavior, surely does not appreciate the infinite price God paid to give us His grace.” – Jerry Bridges, AZ Quotes

“Every day that we’re not practicing godliness we’re being conformed to the world of ungodliness around us.” – Jerry Bridges, Top Famous Quotes

“One thing we may be sure of, however: For the believer all pain has meaning; all adversity is profitable. There is no question that adversity is difficult. It usually takes us by surprise and seems to strike where we are most vulnerable. To us it often appears completely senseless and irrational, but to God none of it is either senseless or irrational. He has a purpose in every pain He brings or allows in our lives. We can be sure that in some way He intends it for our profit and His glory.” – Jerry Bridges, AZ Quotes

Photo Credit: LikeSuccess

Satisfaction & Contentment – a Journey and a Destination – Deb Mills

Jerry Bridges (1929-2016) – a Brief Biography by Justin Taylor

Jerry Bridges (1929-2016): Five Lessons from a Remarkable Life of Faith – Interview (Audio & Transcript)

The Pursuit of Holiness: Run in Such a Way as to Get the Prize – 1 Corinthians 9:24 by Jerry Bridges

The Practice of Godliness: Godliness Have Value for All Things by Jerry Bridges

The Fruitful Life: The Overflow of God’s Love Through You – Jerry Bridges

Hope for the Unhappy Christian – Phillip Holmes

Photo Credit: Ullie Kaye Poetry, Facebook

Top Jerry Bridges Quotes

Quotes by Jerry Bridges

Jerry Bridges Quotes

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Monday Morning Moment – Don’t Let Complaining Rewire Your Brain

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Photo Credit: Stream

Yesterday, I was taking a break and scrolled through Instagram until it stopped me in my tracks on how complaining can have a chronic negative impact on our health, and, in particular, on our brain. That didn’t surprise me, but I wanted to look further to test out what this influencer was reporting. You can look, too. Do an internet search on “complaining, cortisol, and the brain”. It is startling, but, again, not surprising.

Complaining is extraordinarily detrimental to brain health. In a way, it is also like “second-hand smoke” to those with whom you share it. When we complain, our brain responds by releasing cortisol. We need cortisol, the “stress” hormone, to alert us to possible danger and to stimulate an appropriate (hopefully) response to that danger. The problem with complaining is that it puts stress on a loud speaker when there was no need. Similar to how trauma rewires our brain to expect more trauma.

Why Complaining Is Bad For Your Health – Cindy Tsai, MD

Venting feels good at the moment. It releases the internal pressure that is mentally building up from negative thinking. The dilemma with venting is two-fold – 1) it cements the wiring in the brain in the direction of negative, hopeless thinking, and 2) it activates/re-activates the same process in the caring hearer. Mind you, there is a positive, healthy venting that can take place if it is focused toward hopeful problem-solving and change. This can be life-giving to both persons.

[Side note: We need each other. We were made for community. Talking something out with people who love us is hugely important. There is a difference in lament and grumbling, or complaining and and acknowledging a hard thing, seeking help for forward movement.]

Complaining Won’t Change the World, But Your Actions Can – Susanna Wu-Pong Calvert Ph.D., MAPP, RPh

As one who is getting older and feeling the memory not as sharp and the tendency toward that “cup half empty”, curmudgeonly take on things…I wonder: when and how did it start?

When does analytical become contrarian? When does hopeful turn into doubtful? When does grateful turn into grumbly?

Do we just allow ourselves to turn into different people? Or do we take steps to stay (or become) joyful, engaged, unstoppable humans? People who others love to work with, serve with, spend time with.

A little over a year ago I wrote a blog on how complaining rewires our brains. If you know complaining is a struggle, please take the time to read this one piece (linked below). We may try to eat healthy, exercise, and rest aplenty – maybe there is one more thing we should consider:

Monday Morning Moment – Complaining Rewires Your Brain – How to Curb (Maybe Not Stop) Complaining – Deb Mills

Bottom line: Practice gratitude. Pause your thought process. Resist the urge to complain, rather reframing the complaint into positive action. Surround yourself with people who don’t complain, and, even make you laugh sometimes.

______________________________________________________________________________

When you have more time or you want to consider steps toward positive brain health and a kinder, gentler handling of your life and circumstances, I have excerpted these from my other blogs on complaining and negative thinking:

  1. Complaining Exposed – [From the Archives] When it comes to complaining, we all think of someone else who does it…not us. It is an irritating habit, and it only gets worse if unchecked. Poet writer Anne Peterson talks about complaining and how it flows out of 6 heart attitudes. Complaining reveals that:
  • We feel entitled.
  • We are impatient.
  • We hold on to resentment.
  • We compare ourselves to others.
  • We don’t think life is fair.
  • We are conformed to this world/culture.

Read her article for the particulars. Be prepared to rip the Bandaid (excuses) off your complaining.

What Your Complaints Actually Reveal About Your Heart – Anne Peterson

Photo Credit: Gary Vaynerchuk

Entrepreneur Gary Vaynerchuk writes about how his mom and wife seem to be incapable of complaining and it’s one of the things he loves about them: “Complaining has zero value. Looking at the negative, seeing the glass as half empty, and complaining are some of the biggest wastes of time a human being can engage in. Instead, tackle the problem head on. Assess it, see what you can do about it, and then do just that. ‘Woe is me’ is truly one of the biggest things that can stand in the way of success both professionally and personally.”

Gary Vaynerchuk

One of the Few Things I Complain About: Complaining – Gary Vaynerchuk

2. Beyond Grumpiness –[From the Archives] A friend of mine pointed this blog to me today and it bumped its way to the top of my Faves. English professor Alan Jacobs mused about the grumpiness of old people. I don’t know when it happens and why exactly it happens, but it is something that has happened to me of late…and I don’t think I’m old enough yet for it to happen.

Here’s a bit of what Dr. Jacobs says about grumpiness, but you should read his whole piece, especially if you’re finding yourself becoming grumpy (whatever age you are).

“I think the explanation for such widespread grumpiness is fairly simple…It’s not the big foul acts or horribly cruel words that do you in, it’s the slow drip drip drip of little annoyances that become over time a vast sea of frustration. Surely you’ve been there? You become exasperated by someone’s passing comment and when they are genuinely puzzled by your anger over so trivial a matter, you try to explain (apologetically, penitently, I hope) that it wouldn’t be a problem if this thing had happened once but it has happened a thousand times. It’s the repetition that kills you.” [Dr. Jacobs goes on to talk about the divisions on which we’ve taken sides give the sense of being new and revolutionary…and yet they are old divisions revisited.] “You can’t learn from the past if you don’t know what happened in it. So yeah, I’m gradually turning into a grumpy old man. Because nobody learns anything…” [About these things that divide us: We seem to care too much, or too little, or just plain not at all. Dr. Jacobs challenges us that only being truly loving people gives us the right to voice an opinion, and definitely not a shaming one.] “It’s a hard path to walk, this Way of avoiding both indifference and ‘the conscious impotence of rage at human folly.’ But the hard path is the only real Way. (All the others circle back on themselves.) So I try every day to follow it. I don’t think I could manage even that if I did not have an Advocate to accompany me, to encourage me, and to guide me.” – Alan Jacobs, Beyond Grumpiness

Against Stupidity – Alan Jacobs

The Destructive Power of Grumbling and Complaining – Michael Brown

3. Without Grumbling – [From the Archives] Which comes first – anger or grumbling? Or is it a more subtle but growing discontent? When does occasional complaining settle into a set habit of grumbling? What does grumbling communicate to our own minds and to others within hearing?

I’ve written plenty on complaining, grumbling, and negative thinking (see links below). It can absolutely change the wiring in our brains. In my younger years, I always looked for the good and the beautiful in a person/situation…and I found it. Now, as an older person, my temptation is more toward darker thinking. This is NOT where I want to stay.

Photo Credit: QuoteFancy

Below is a beautiful bit of writer Trevin Wax‘s post on grumbling and joy (it is geared toward Christians but there is wisdom for all of life here).

“In Philippians 2:6–11, Paul commands the church to adopt the same mind of our risen Lord.  And his first command is, “Don’t grumble.”

“Do all things without grumbling or disputing, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world.” (Philippians 2:14–15)

Why start with grumbling? We might expect an exhortation to spiritual disciplines, or strategies for thriving as pure and faultless people in a sinful world. And yes, Paul does speak about blamelessness and purity and holding firm to the word of life (Philippians 2:16). But this purity in action is somehow connected to the first command to do everything without grumbling. Somehow, grumbling will keep us from faithfulness.

Why start here? Because Paul knows the story of Israel.

Remember the children of Israel? They chose grumbling over gratitude. Grumbling stalled their journey and led to actions that were anything but “blameless and innocent.”

Whether we are given suffering, chains, imprisonment, or worse (Hebrews 11:36–38), or whether we conquer kingdoms, stop the mouths of lions, escape the sword, and put armies to flight (Hebrews 11:33–34), we must know that only joy in and gratitude to Jesus will win the war for our culture…Yes, we may face obstacles, setbacks, and tough days ahead. But in it all, and under it all, we are also joyful. And this cheerful courage comes not from ignoring darkness or looking only for the bright side, but from believing that the Light will overcome the dark.

Do you want to shine like stars? Then do everything without grumbling.” –

Trevin Wax, Facebook, March 27, 2022

Monday Morning Moment – Life & Politics – What If We Refused to Get Angry? – Deb Mills

Monday Morning Moment – Rewiring Your Brain Toward Thinking in the Positive – Deb Mills

Monday Morning Moment – Grumpy Begets Grumpy – Understanding It, Not Reacting, and Turning It Around – Deb Mills

Monday Morning Moment – Them and Us, How Can That Be? Could Them and Us Become a We? – Deb Mills

How Changing This One Bad Habit Changed Our Home for Good – Complaining

4. Breaking Out of Negative Thinking – [From the Archives] I first wrote about negative thinking six years ago (that blog linked below). Since then we have come through COVID 2020, great racial unrest and social upheaval, contentious election cycles, ongoing wars, and a downturn in our economy. Lots to think negatively about with good reason, but if we’re not careful we will begin gearing our thinking in that direction to the detriment of our mental and relational health.

Monday Morning Moment – Rewiring Your Brain Toward Thinking in the Positive – Deb Mills

Photo Credit: Daily Health Post

The team at Daily Health Post focused on complaining as a culprit that can actually cause our brains to default to anxiety and depression. From experience, I know this is true.

They prescribe the following to flip the damaging habit of complaining:

“Be grateful: Find something to be grateful for everyday. If you keep a journal, write down 3 things you are grateful for every morning and every night.

If you start to feel anxious or pessimistic, pause a minute and write them down again. If it’s too hard, write down 5 or even 10 new things you’re grateful for. By the end of the exercise, you’ll feel much happier and fulfilled.

Catch yourself: Don’t wait for your friends or family to tell you you’re complaining, pay attention to your thoughts and words.

If you’re complaining, quickly shift your energy to find solutions and lessons to be learned. Afterwards, treat yourself will a nice cup of tea for the effort!

Change your mood: If you feel overwhelmed and negative, remove yourself from whatever you’re doing and shift your state of mind. If you’re home, sit down with your favorite book and cook up a tasty treat. If you’re at work, go to the washroom or break room for a few minutes and listen your favorite song.

Breathe deeply and close your eyes, paying attention to every word. Hold onto that relaxing feeling and carry it with you throughout the day.

Practice wise effort: Wise effort is the practice of letting go of anything that doesn’t serve you. If your worry won’t improve your situation or teach you a lesson, simply let it go and move on.

This is much easier said then done, of course, but if you write it out, ask friends for advice, and take some time to think it through constructively, it really can be done.“

Check out the full article below:

How Complaining Physically Rewires Your Brain to Be Anxious and Depressed

Photo Credit: Frank Sonnenberg Online

Why Your Brain is Wired for Pessimism—and What You Can Do to Fix It – Clay Skipper

There should be support groups…or maybe we start some. Peace.

Gratefully yours, Deb

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5 Friday Faves – Beyond the Guitar’s “Superman”, Rachel Haack on Hope in Family Estrangement, Illuminators – How to Know a Person, 30 Habits with Massive Returns on Life, 45 Life Lessons

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1) Beyond the Guitar’s “Superman” – John Murphy composed the stunning soundtrack for the 2025 big-screen edition of “Superman”. His treatment of the iconic theme (originally composed by John Williams) is absolutely gorgeous. Listen to his version of “Raising the Flag” here.

Photo Credit: YouTube

Then…sit back and listen to Nathan Mills at Beyond the Guitar perform his arrangement of this incredible theme on classical guitar. One instrument. Played with the heart and skill of a musician who does beautiful justice to a magnificent orchestral piece of work. So good!

    2) Rachel Haack on Hope in Family Estrangement – Whether we are in the midst of a family estrangement or we know someone estranged from family members, it’s safe to say that none of us are untouched by family estrangement. It seems a part, an accepted part of our culture today. I just saw the Instagram reel below on therapist Rachel Haack’s page. It gave me hope – hearing sanity in what feels like a crazy hard relational world.

    [Rachel Haack and her family – 5 girls and her husband – Facebook]

    Instagram – Reel describing Rachel Haack’s bold prescription to replace the family member descriptors of “emotionally immature, boomer, toxic, dehumanizaion” with the actions/goals of “respect, compassion, understanding, and collaboration”.

    Setting boundaries in painful relationships may feel like a necessary safety maneuver, but too often those boundaries become deadends. No way forward really and the years go by. I so appreciate Haack’s measured and gentle approach to reconciliation in difficult family situations. Below are excellent resources, including one podcast with Joshua Coleman, author of Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict.

    We’ve Been Subverted and It’s Showing Up in Our Families – Rachel Haack

    When Grandparents Get Cancelled and What to Do About It – YouTube

    Building Healthy Relationships with Adult Children – with Rachel Haack (Audio file)

    Rachel Haack on Facebook

    What’s Behind the Rise of Parent-Child Estrangement? – Podcast With Joshua Coleman

    3) lluminators – How to Know a Person – I bought this book “How to Know a Person” after reading author David Brooks‘ guest blog on Ann Voskamp‘s website (linked below).

    How to Know a Person – and See Them with Jesus’s Eyes – Ann Voskamp – Guest Contributor: David Brooks

    I’m not sure if it was after the 9/11 attacks or exactly when the cultural phenomenon began, but people seem not to look in people’s faces so much. There’s a disinterest, or lack of curiosity, or maybe even guarding. We feel it might be intrusive to ask questions, and for sure there are unhelpful questions. However, to be truly curious about someone, to want to know someone deeply, is a beautiful and honoring thing.

    Below you will find two quotes from Brooks’ book. In the blog above and the book as well, he talks about being illuminators. Shining a light on someone. Not in an negative, exposing way but in a way that draws out who they really are and how amazing they are.

    “When you’re practicing Illuminationism, you’re offering a gaze that says, “I want to get to know you and be known by you.” It’s a gaze that positively answers the question everybody is unconsciously asking themselves when they meet you: “Am I a person to you? Do you care about me? Am I a priority for you?” The answers to those questions are conveyed in your gaze before they are conveyed by your words. It’s a gaze that radiates respect. It’s a gaze that says that every person I meet is unique, unrepeatable, and, yes, superior to me in some way. Every person I meet is fascinating on some topic. If I approach you in this respectful way, I’ll know that you are not a puzzle that can be solved but a mystery that can never be gotten to the bottom of. I’ll do you the honor of suspending judgment and letting you be as you are.” – How To Know a Person – The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen – David Brooks

    “The real act of, say, building a friendship or creating a community involves performing a series of small, concrete social actions well: disagreeing without poisoning the relationship; revealing vulnerability at the appropriate pace; being a good listener; knowing how to end a conversation gracefully; knowing how to ask for and offer forgiveness; knowing how to let someone down without breaking their heart; knowing how to sit with someone who is suffering; knowing how to host a gathering where everyone feels embraced; knowing how to see things from another’s point of view.” – How To Know a Person – The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen – David Brooks

    Brooks talks about being a witness, about giving attention. I love that!

    He reminds me of psychiatrist Curt Thompson MD who writes and often talks about compassion and curiosity. I’ve written lots about Curt and his wisdom on mental and relational health. He, like David Brooks, encourages us to give our attention to those around us. It’s part of the beauty of life.

    How to Know a Person Quotes – David Brooks – Goodreads

    4) 30 Habits with Massive Returns in Life – I’m all about habit formation. Not saying I’m great at developing healthy habits, but I love the science of habits including New Year’s resolutions. Author Justin Whitmel Earley has written two excellent books on habit formation and a third for children (on sibling relationships) entitled The Big Mess. Earley’s websites (The Common Rule and Habits of the Household) have great free resources as well on habit formation. For today’s Friday Fave, I’m just posting this little graphic on 30 habits with big returns…how many have you already formed? It’s not a race though…choose a habit and begin there.

    Photo Credit: Nikz Bennie, Facebook

    5) 45 Life Lessons – Here is another list, not of habits but life lessons. They are written by author and cancer survivor Regina Brett of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio, and have been widely reprinted.

    “To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I’ve ever written.

    Here is the column once more:

    1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

    2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

    3. Life is too short – enjoy it.

    4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.

    5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

    6. You don’t have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.

    7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.

    8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

    9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

    10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

    11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.

    12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.

    13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

    14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.

    15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye, but don’t worry, God never blinks.

    16.. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

    17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.

    18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.

    19.. It’s never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.

    20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.

    21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

    22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

    23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.

    24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

    25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

    26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’

    27. Always choose life.

    28. Forgive.

    29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

    30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

    31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

    32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

    33. Believe in miracles.

    34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.

    35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

    36. Growing old beats the alternative of dying young.

    37. Your children get only one childhood.

    38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

    39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

    40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.

    41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have, not what you need.

    42. The best is yet to come…

    43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

    44. Yield.

    45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.” – Facebook

    Post in Comments any lessons that you particularly appreciate.

    45 Life Lessons Written by a ’90-year-old” Woman That’ll Put Everything Into Perspective – Stephanie Wong

    Pinterest Variations on These Life Lessons

    Bonuses:

    Instagram – Reel – Jonathan Haidt on slow Dopamine – holding off social media – see his caption screenshot below. [Also below is the full podcast on this topic – Dr. Haidt starts at 8:14.]

    Instagram – 3 Days Off Smartphones and How Our Brains Are Affected – Doc Amen

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    Monday Morning Moment – Not Us and Them, But We – Benching Divisiveness

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    Photo Credit: His Place

    Too much of life and culture these days is polarizing. It may have always been so. Good guys and bad guys. Heroes and villains. Liberals and conservatives. Secular and religious. The list goes on forever.

    When I woke this morning, many of these ideas and conflicts were bouncing around in my brain. Then the idea came to mind: “Not Us and Them, but We.” What can grow our capacity for civil discourse? How can we nurture curiosity in our thinking, especially in communication with those who have very different ideas than we might have? What moves us toward understanding rather than acting on the motivation to move “them” to think like “us”?

    Often in the last several weeks, in particular, conversations either center on politics, or it’s “the elephant in the room”. Fortunately I have friends who differ from me in some of our political views but they seek to understand, which gives me the same potential for my understanding their views.

    Organizational psychologist and author, Adam Grant, often points to the distractions that keep us divided or on edge with each other. He gives wise counsel.

    Photo Credit: Screenshot, Adam Grant, X

    I also have friends who have pretty much ghosted me over the same views. Conversation is just too emotionally charged. Too anxiety-provoking. I respect that, but I also miss the possibility of learning from them and dialoging together such that both of us can see things from a higher vantage point.

    Writer, leadership coach Scott Sauls posted an article just this weekend that resonates with this very current issue. Without really focusing on politics, he expands the idea of differences to incorporate our stances on all of life…and on people with whom we have conflict. In fact, he points to three identities we may have for ourselves and others, and how those identities keep us divided against each other. Below are quotes from this article – click on the link to read all the wisdom found there. Still a quick read.

    “Family, work, team, tribe, church, community, and nation—every sphere of life has its culture, and in each one, we assign roles. We naturally place people or groups into the categories of victim, villain, or hero to suit our own biases. Sometimes, one person or group is cast in all three roles, as we seek to simplify complex situations and deflect blame away from ourselves.”

    “In almost every conflict, we instinctively conclude that someone is hurt, someone is to blame, and someone must intervene to make things right. These roles are common in the stories we read, the movies we watch, the news we consume, and the communities we are part of. But victim, villain, and hero are also the roles we quietly assign to ourselves and others as we navigate difficult relationships and painful experiences.”

    “The Peril of Playing the Victim – When we assume the role of victim as our primary identity, we risk trapping ourselves in a story of bitterness and self-pity. We replay the wrongs done to us over and over, feeding a narrative that makes the presumed offender larger than life and ourselves perpetually powerless. Over time, the victim mindset tempts us to believe that others are responsible for our misery and that our healing depends almost entirely on their repentance or punishment.”

    “The Peril of Casting Others as Villains – If playing the victim is one danger, the second is casting others as villains. When someone wrongs us, it is easy to reduce them to their very worst moment or season, and to nothing more than the sum of their sins. They are no longer a whole person with complexities, struggles, and good qualities—they are simply “the one who hurt me.” We judge them harshly, as though their worst moment defines their entire character, while conveniently minimizing our own flaws…The labels we assign—especially when shaped by our pain—often obscure the truth.”

    “The Peril of Seeing Ourselves or Others as Heroes – Another dangerous role to assume is that of the hero. Heroes see life in black and white—good versus bad, victims versus villains—and position themselves as the ones who can fix it all. Sometimes, this looks like trying to rescue others from pain, taking on burdens that aren’t ours. Other times, it looks like moral superiority: we believe we’re the righteous ones who would never behave like “those people,” and our role is to rescue others from “them.” Still other times, people want to step in as heroes to protect themselves from the wrath of “victims” who are known for punishing and persecuting those who refuse to rescue them from their “villains.””

    Sauls ends his post with the Gospel of Jesus Christ being the better story:

    “The gospel dismantles the victim, villain, and hero roles by telling a different story—one where Jesus is the only one who can truly make things right. It teaches us that:

    • If we are in fact victims, we are seen, loved, and cared for by a God who is near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18). But our healing is not dependent on human justice; it is rooted in the grace of God, who works all things together for good (Romans 8:28).
    • As those who have been wronged, we must forgive as we have been forgiven (Ephesians 4:32). Forgiveness does not deny the reality of harm, and it does not grant trust where trust has not been reestablished through repentance, reconciliation, and sincere efforts to repair, but it releases us from the burden of bitterness and entrusts justice to God.
    • As those tempted to self-righteousness and pride, we are reminded that we, too, have sinned and that our salvation is a gift, not a reward (Romans 3:24). Paul’s rhetorical question and subsequent answer—“Are we any better? Absolutely not” (Romans 6:15)!—become relevant for us, as well.

    When we let go of the victim, villain, and hero mindsets, we step into a life shaped by humility, grace, and reconciliation. Humility reminds us that we are all broken and in need of mercy. Grace empowers us to forgive others as we have been forgiven. And reconciliation—where possible—invites us to repair what is broken and pursue peace.” – Scott Sauls

    Overcoming the Victim, Villain, and Hero Trap – How the Gospel Frees Us From Denying, Blaming, and Deflecting – Scott Sauls

    Where do you see yourself in these scenarios? Do we view ourselves as the hero, fighting for others? Or are we the victim and see another (person or party) as the villain?

    Photo Credit: Adam Grant, X

    Thoughtful disagreement doesn’t start with “You’re wrong!” It begins with “I’d love to understand your thinking better.” Attacking conclusions closes minds. Asking about reasoning opens them. Good debates don’t have winners or losers. They leave everyone more informed. – Adam Grant, X

    My husband often puts one of his favorite adages – “We are better than me.” – in work conversations, especially those related to drifting into silo thinking. So much better than where we often find ourselves, if we’re not intentional, which is an “us and them” mentalities. Unfortunately, the “us” is too often deemed better than “them”. Whenever we can, let’s work toward getting “the us’s” to talk to “the them’s” with the goal of becoming “a we”. I know this might seem less complicated in a work situation when an employer mandates this sort of action. However, it is also possible in families, friend groups, and communities which have become fractured because of a rift or rupture. We can be hopeful if we’re willing to be humble, forgiving, curious, and full of grace. God will definitely grease the tracks in that direction.

    In It Together – Emma Scrivener

    How Estrangement Has Become an Epidemic in America – Joshua Coleman and Will Johnson

    What Estranged Families Can Teach Us About the Political Divide – Joshua Coleman

    “Seeing every interaction as win-lose isn’t smart. It’s shortsighted. Evidence: People who view others’ gains as their loss see potential allies as hostile and miss out on productive collaborations. In the long run, the best path to success and happiness is striving for win-win.” – Adam Grant, X

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    Monday Morning Moment – Lessons Not Regrets

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    Photo Credit: Debbie Hampton

    Have you made any errors in judgment lately? Did your judgment lead you to attitudes or actions that you would later regret? I have, maybe not as of yet this morning, but definitely yesterday. Some folks are more accomplished at shrugging them off and moving on. I over-think them, and sometimes beat myself up for them. Not always correcting course, as in taking responsibility, apologizing, and making amends.

    Ugh!

    Fortunately, I have folks in my life who allow me to process these mistakes and determine the best way forward. Both inside my own head and in relationship with others. Community (i.e. caring accountability) is a wonderful thing.

    The graphic above is taken from an article written by Debbie Hampton, this brilliant woman who is also a suicide survivor – talk about a person who took a dark turn in her decision-making and managed to come out the other side in a much better place.

    She talks about taking the mistakes we make and dealing with them with forgiveness, kindness, and compassion. We don’t have to be bound by our regret of decisions made. We can reframe our memories and can hopefully extend grace, both to ourselves and others. As we shake off the negative and explore what we can learn, a mental shift and positive action plan are possible. Turning our regrets into lessons.

    Have Lessons Not Regrets – Debbie Hampton

    One discipline in decision-making is to assess how it is we are prone to find ourselves, again and again, in situations that cause hurt to ourselves and others.

    Psychologist Carrie Steckl writes about three errors that can affect our decision-making:

    • Representativeness bias – our tendency to judge a situation based on our predominate experiences and beliefs about the situation.
    • Availability bias – our tendency to make decisions based on what is most familiar to us, whether it is the best choice for us or not.
    • Confirmatory bias – our tendency to make an early judgment and listen only to information that validates that judgment.

    Three Errors In Judgment We Are All Too Inclined To Make – Carrie Steckl

    This was really helpful for me, because I can default to negative thinking, rather than taking charge and turning a situation around. This comes out of habit, and I want to change that habit.

    The Trilogy of Errors: Hidden Influences on Your Decisions: How Psychologically Blind, Deaf, and Dumb Spots Can Unexpectedly Derail Judgment – Nuala Walsh – another great read on how our decisions are affected

    For the moment, still reeling from how my afternoon was derailed yesterday with mistaken decision-making, I want to focus on the importance of moving regrets into life lessons. Habit formation is key, undergirded by three elements: consistency, intensity, and community. Entrepreneur and motivational speaker Sahil Bloom gives a simple yet profound way to approach habit formation:

    Photo Credit: Sahil Bloom, Twitter

    This is where I am today. How about you? Any regrets? Let’s determine to turn the corner on these by making some simple, thoughtful changes in our mental maps and resultant actions.

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    Monday Morning Moment – The 6 Sacrifices of Leadership – in Memory of Clyde Meador

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    Photo Credit: GOBNM

    10 years writing this blog. I started 10 years ago this very month. The reason, in particular, was because I felt my memory clouding some, and there were memories and counsel I wanted to make sure were left for my children. As writing does, the blog cut its course through many topics – God, life, marriage, parenting, beauty, friendship, work, meaning, purpose, and reflections of all sorts. Now 10 years out, my memory is still hanging in there, and for that I’m thankful. Also for the having of words to share with those I love.

    Our friend Clyde Meador started a blog himself 3 years ago this month. He may have had similar hopes – to leave something for his children and for the sake of a greater work.

    Leadership was a topic that I studied for years (posting in my Monday Morning Moment). I learned so much from great leaders in my life, as well as some leaders who could have used some mentoring by our friend Clyde. That may not have been kind, but good leaders matter – in our lives and in the futures of organizations.

    Photo Credit: Facebook, Stephen White, 2017 [Clyde and his beloved wife, Elaine]

    In the first year of Clyde’s blog, he wrote a series of posts entitled 6 Sacrifices of Leadership. The topics were:

    • Loss of Constant Firsthand Involvement
    • Too Much Negative Knowledge
    • Constant Criticism
    • Leaving
    • Sacrifice, Isolation, Ostracism
    • Impact on Family Ties Due to Travel and Workload

    Take the time to study those posts to learn from Clyde. In a recent tribute to him, a friend and colleague, Charles Clark wrote a brief summary of Clyde’s six sacrifices, their dangers and rewards. You find them in the image below:

    Photo Credit: Clyde Meador from Charles Clark’s Facebook page, May 2024

    In April 2024, Clyde Meador, this wise, humble, and insightful leader friend of ours, died, at 70 years of age. Complications of a long battle with cancer. He leaves a big hole, for his family, but also for the many people who have known him and loved him through the years. However, he would say something along the lines of God doesn’t leave holes.

    We all have stories with Clyde in them – his lessons on life and leading. His legacy is that he never wavered in his faith walk, his love for his family, or his determination to do excellence in the work God had given him. He and Elaine have been a picture of constancy in our lives. Leading and loving.

    In July of 2023, life and cancer treatment got in the way of Clyde continuing his blog. What turned out to be his last blog is so appropriate and beautiful. “To Those Who Come After Us”. Here are the last paragraphs.

    “I will sing of the steadfast love of the Lord, forever; with my mouth I will make known your faithfulness to all generations.”  (Psalm 89:1, ESV)  “We will not hide them from their children, but tell to the coming generation the glorious deeds of the Lord, and His might, and the wonders that He has done.”  (Psalm 78:4, ESV)  This commitment of faithful followers of the Lord must be our commitment, also.

    “So even to old age and gray hairs, O God, do not forsake me, until I proclaim your might to another generation, your power to all those to come.”  (Psalm 71:18, ESV)  I am grateful that I have reached old age and gray hair, and pray that I will faithfully do all I can to communicate the truth of the Gospel to those who come after me.

    Of all those things which we teach our children and those who come after them, nothing is more important, more urgent than the truth of the Gospel.  I have a less-than-perfect record of success in this endeavor, yet I seek to faithfully persist in sharing the Truth.  I challenge each of us to a major focus on sharing all we know about our Lord and Savior with the next generations! – Clyde Meador, To Those Who Come After Us

    [Dave & Clyde, a few weeks before Clyde went to be with the Lord. So grateful. What a humble and wise mentor he was to so many.]
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    Monday Morning Moment – “What If You’re Wrong”

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    Photo Credit: Unsplash

    What just happened? When you read the title “What If You’re Wrong”, was there a reaction in mind or body? If I had written “What If I’m Wrong”, it would have been far less provocative, right? Clearly, it’s possible for me to be wrong on many things. Not just possible but actual. I am most probably wrong on a number of things, either out of ignorance, preference, a lack of understanding, or neglect of the truth.

    Is there a way we can talk about the stuff that matters to us with people who care about very different sorts of things? People who strongly disagree. People who are sure they are right, when we are also sure that we are…and they are wrong.

    Below you’ll find an old video of a Richard Dawkins lecture at a Virginia university. He took questions from the floor, and one very brave, if not naive, student asked him “What if you’re wrong?” His answer, or non-answer but more repartee, was clearly one he had fashioned for just that question. Have a listen.

    The lecture must have had to do with the existence of God, and Dr. Dawkins, though once a “Christian” is now an atheist. His response to the student was condescending, dismissive, and unkind. Oddly, his reasoning fell along the same lines as a 16y/o Muslim student in my World Religions class in Morocco. My student surmised that people followed the religion of their parents. Yet, here, Dr. Dawkins disproved what he said himself by leaving the Christian faith for atheism. In the video, maybe he considered disrespectful the student asking the question, therefore, he responded with mirrored disrespect. Who knows?

    This is what I’m wanting to know. Can people engage each other with curiosity, care, and consideration (hope you don’t mind alliteration)…when they are at opposite ends of a worldview or belief system?

    The key is those 3 c-words above. If I truly want to understand the position of another person, hopefully that can be communicated in such a way that engenders an openness. If that person knows I truly care about him/her, maybe they would be willing to trust me with such a conversation. If they knew my desire is to take into consideration how they came to their conclusions, maybe they would risk digging down into their reasoning. No judgment. On either side.

    That would be amazing.

    Writer, creator Adam Dachis posted a helpful piece for Lifehacker.

    How to Know When You’re Wrong (and What You Can Do About It) – Adam Dachis

    1. Common Denominator – Find It. What might the continuing point of contention between you? Find that “button” that always gets pushed and choose together to find a way for it not to be the confounding issue.
    2. Considering What’s Right – Convictions & Outcomes When you analyze your positions (convictions), it is possible to consider which would lead to a better outcome. This is a growth point toward understanding if not change.
    3. Changing Someone Else’s Behavior – Shouldn’t Be the Goal. – Trying to change the other person’s opinion or worldview can’t be the goal. They are in control there, but you can change something about your own behavior toward them or the situation. This approach is not about people-pleasing but about defusing and deescalating. The goal has to be relationship, or why bother?
    4. Consult the Facts. We tend to focus on and be influenced by information that aligns with how we think, not even considering that the information might be wrong. If one of us considers the other wrong, the temptation is to attack (if I am the one feeling right or feeling wrong, the default is to become defensive and tempted to attack). Listen to the other side. Be tuned into what you are feeling as well. Stay in the conversation. Treat yourself and the other person with compassion. The goal is understanding.

    Gustavo Razzetti, a work culture design consultant, writes about the difference between the soldier mindset and the scout mindset in dealing with conflicting worldviews:

    “The soldier mindset is rooted in the need to defend ourselves. The pressure to be right elevates our adrenaline—we experience a fight-or-flight response.

    A more curious mindset is that of the scout—this role is about understanding, not defending our beliefs. The scout goes out, maps the terrain, and identifies the real challenge—he wants to know what’s really there.

    The mindset you choose affects your judgment, analysis, and decision-making.

    The soldier mindset is rooted in emotions like aggression and tribalism. The scout mindset is rooted in curiosity—it’s about the pleasure of learning new things, being intrigued when new facts contradict our beliefs, and not feeling weak about changing our mind.

    Above all, scouts are grounded—their self-worth isn’t tied to how right or wrong they are.” – Gustavo Razzetti, “What If You’re the One Who’s Wrong”

    I lived for many years in countries where the majority religion was not my own. Local friends would at some point or other ask me the “right or wrong” sort of question… “Why wouldn’t I consider their religion?” I treated that question with the care I had for those friends. In fact, I have a document on my computer where I considered all their tenets of faith and what kept me from becoming a follower of their religion. What was right for them was wrong for me.

    However, the most beautiful experience of those “What if you’re wrong” scenarios was what happened with my dearest local friends. Without knowing the concept at the time, we determined to make each other feel “seen, soothed, safe, and secure”. Although my own faith (especially my belief in Jesus as Savior and Lord) would not be altered, these friends mattered deeply to me. We reconciled our differences in faith through the depth of our friendship. If one had to be considered right and the other wrong, we would still love each other. Period. Full-stop.

    One Small Step – StoryCorps

    Winsomeness, Wisdom, and the Way of Jesus: A Few Reflections on Christ and Culture From John 6 – David S. Schrock

    Photo Credit: Reddit
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    Monday Morning Moment – Considering Others – the Wawa Experience

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    Small acts of kindness aren’t really so small. They add up and can alter your day. Take stopping into Wawa – “the ultimate convenience store for food, drink, fuel, and more”. [If you don’t have Wawa in your town, it’s wherever you stop for gas and coffee.] Now, Wawa seems to be a working person’s stop-on-the-go place. Fueling the car and grabbing a quick beverage (plus food maybe). Customers are on the move. They have places to go.

    What happens there, in seconds, is noteworthy. When folks go to and from the store, they almost without exception, hold the door for the next customer. Literally, I sometimes just stand and watch, while filling my gas tank. [It would have been creepy for me to video this activity although I was tempted. It’s a constant where the one opening the door waits for the oncoming person exiting or entering.

    So considerate. So courteous. Now, I’m sure there are folks who run in to grab coffee and are lost in their thoughts. They enter and exit without thinking. Not noticing the person in front or behind them. This happens…just doesn’t seem to happen here.

    I love that about Wawa. Working people who have jobs to do but take the seconds to hold the door. A small act of kindness. Do we do that intuitively? Or did we learn it from someone – at home, in the classroom? It’s definitely a work culture phenomenon as well. Check out the #1 element of work culture that matters in the SloanReview article:

    10 Things Your Corporate Culture Needs to Get Right – Donald Sull and Charles Sull

    We lived overseas for many years and were amazed at the courtesy extended toward us and others. If I was at tea with local ladies and children entered from school, without prompting, they would go around the circle of women and greet each one of us. No matter how old they were. That was just one example of the almost ceremonial expression of hospitality wherever we found ourselves. Now, every culture has its imperfect treatment of people, but I was struck but the impact of courtesy and consideration expressed even from small children, even from teens.

    Photo Credit: How to Know a Person, David Brooks, GoodReads

    A verse in the Bible comes to mind related to this: “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility consider one another as more important than yourselves.” (Philippians 2:3) In that moment, considering another more important than myself. A great exercise in life.

    What does it take to teach, model, and reward/reenforce such qualities as consideration and courtesy such that they continue throughout life? I’d love to hear your take on this, in the Comments.

    It was a sweet visit to Wawa for me. Consistent with every other visit. My favorite coffee (Hazelnut with vanilla creamer) even came free today and it’s not even Free Coffee Tuesday.

    So…think about slowing down a bit and consider others just ahead of or behind you, and hold the door. If you read this far, you probably already make a habit of showing that level of care. Thank you.

    Putting Others Before Yourself – 7 Great Tips – David Peach

    The Power of Etiquette: How Practicing Good Manners Enhances Our Well-being

    How to Teach Kids Good Manners: The True Meaning of Etiquette and Why It’s Important – Ashika Singh

    The Importance of Courtesy: Lessons in Kindness and Respect – Naytik Sheth

    Seven Activities for National Courtesy Month (September)

    [Postscript: Below you’ll find another quote on being a friend or creating community. It goes beyond the scope of this Monday Morning Moment but is apropos to how we treat people, even in the moment, even strangers.]

    Photo Credit: How to Know a Person, David Brooks, GoodReads
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    Monday Morning Moment – a Principled Life

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    Photo Credit: Boltgroup

    Recently a conversation with a young friend drew me to the idea of “a principled life”. She recalled a comment a friend of hers made about this friend’s life, something along the lines of how remarkably principled her life was. As if that was an odd thing. Unusual. Commendable but on an altogether different plane.

    We were both surprised at this. Doesn’t reaching adulthood come with the establishing of certain principles for living? Those attitudes and actions that define us as people.

    In our family, we often have conversations around the dinner table about how we engage with people, especially those who are challenging, demanding, and even uncaring. It makes sense, at some level, to distance ourselves from such folks, put walls between us and them, and not be drawn into their neediness or manipulation.

    The question for me, however, in such situations, is “what kind of person do I want to be?” Is another’s behavior going to change the way I want to show up in relationships? Is another’s character going to move me to change my own?

    Thus the thinking about a principled life. What does that look like for each of us? What does that look like to our children and grandchildren?

    Now, we derive our principles from varied sources. Some from our parents. Some from teachers or mentors. Some from classical literature, history, or sacred texts. Some of our principles (whether we consciously acknowledge it or not) may even come from movie quotes and characters. Below you will see some examples of principles.

    Ex-heroin addict and neuroscientist Brian Pennie PhD writes and speaks regularly on this topic:

    “Principles are fundamental truths that are universal in nature.” – Brian Pennie

    “Values are beliefs, attitudes and standards of behaviour about what’s important in life. They are also subjective and may change over time.” – Brian Pennie

    “Unlike values which are subjective, principles are fundamental truths that are permanent, unchanging, and universal in nature.” – Brian Pennie

    [Values and principles can often be seen used interchangeably, as in the graphic below.]

    Photo Credit: Slideshare, Sean Covey

    Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens – Sean Covey – PowerPoint Presentation – Slideshare

    A principled life is one that demonstrates a foundation and follow-through of certain truths consistent with how a person thinks and behaves – living life with intention not in reaction.

    Principles are action-oriented (see below as an example).

    Photo Credit: Happiness Collective

    Principles form a life compass. Brian Pennie writes:
    “Through my own suffering and aimless behavior [during those days as a young drug addict], I developed a technique based on values and principles. I call it my life compass, and use it whenever I feel anxious, overwhelmed, or frustrated; or any negative state for that matter. In other words, I use it when I’m not aligned with my values.

    The aim is to develop a set of principles that will guide your actions when life gets tough. Note that values direct you towards what’s important in life, while principles are actionable and always result in outcomes.

    Below is a list of my own values, and several of the principles I’ve developed to keep me on the path.”

    Photo Credit: Thrive Global, Brian Pennie

    For me, a principled life aligns with the life of Jesus. Albeit imperfectly, given my human tendency to serve self. The Apostle Paul writes in his letter to the Roman church about “the marks of a Christian life”:

    “Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.

    Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” – Romans 12:9-21

    That is a principled life.

    [What are your thoughts as to the guiding principles of your life? What are you modeling for your family, friends, colleagues – just by showing up? What do people count on you for? What are you intentionally teaching to your children/grandchildren? Would love to hear about these in the Comments section. Thanks for stopping by.]

    How to Live by Life Principles That Matter

    30 Life Principles – Dr. Charles F. Stanley

    10 Principles of Life

    Seven Basic Principles That Govern our Personal Lives and Relationships – Vatican in Exile

    How to Find Meaning and Direction in Life – Brian Pennie

    YouTube Video – My talk from Pendulum 2024: How to Find Your True North – A Guidance System for Life – Brian Pennie Ph.D.