Category Archives: Attitude

Monday Morning Moment – The Great Good of Doing a Favor and Some Rules for Asking a Favor

Photo Credit: All Hands

We all need a favor from time to time. Every occasion Dave helps a friend move, he says, “That’s the last time”. Then there’s the next time.

There’s great good in doing a favor because it expresses care… sometimes great care. Of course, favors can be done for selfish reasons. Business writer and professor Adam Grant has written a book on three styles of behavior that speak to this. These styles are givers, takers, and matchers. There are those of us who do favors for the joy of helping others (givers), those who more often ask for favors (takers), and finally those who will do a favor for someone who’s done one for her already (matchers).

“Every time we interact with another person at work, we have a choice to make: do we try to claim as much value as we can, or contribute value without worrying about what we receive in return?”Adam Grant

I recently attended a conference. It was a poignant experience because the organizer of the conference is moving toward a secession plan for her role. This is a brilliant, generous, like-no-other professional I’m just grateful to know.

The conference ended and I was helping with the final tying up of loose ends. She and I passed in the hallway, and I took the opportunity to tell her how much she had influenced my life’s work. Then I laid out a proposition:

“If I can do anything at all for you, just ask. it would be an honor.”

“Well…there is something.”

Then she asked me for a favor that was totally out of my expertise and comfort zone. A favor that I knew would take hours, even days, to complete. A favor that I was sure someone else should be doing – fearful to be a disappointment to her.

Still…I had made the proposal and she accepted.

Without going into too many details, let me just say I have been up to my eyeballs in Excel spreadsheets. They are no longer outside my expertise…thanks to online tutorials…and all this experience I have now.

So the short of it is that by tomorrow, I will be finished with my favor. Next time I’m feeling an overwhelming sense of gratitude for her, it may stop short of offering such an open-ended favor. I’ll find a different way to express how much she means to me. Flowers, maybe.

My husband told me several times that I needed to renegotiate that favor. He knew it wasn’t a strength of mine to do what she asked.

I just couldn’t take my offer back. She is the kind of person who should have favors done for her every day…she’s just that person.

In preparing to write about doing favors, I did come across two fascinating articles on this topic.

Asking for a Favor: The Three Keys – Jodi Glickman

In brief, the three keys for asking a favor are:

  1. Set the Stage: “I have a favor to ask you”.
  2. Give a Reason.
  3. Provide an Escape Clause.

[Read the whole piece. It’s a fast read and insightful for those who ask for favors – I don’t so much, but it was good stuff to know.]

The Five Golden Rules of Favor Asking – Tynan

Tynan offers these golden rules when asking him for a favor:

  1. Your benefit must greatly outweigh my inconvenience.
  2. You should make it as easy as possible for me to do the favor.
  3. Ask immediately. Don’t small talk.
  4. Do everything you can first.
  5.  Reciprocate.

[This piece also is an excellent larger read.]

These rules are all super nice and would be much appreciated if someone asks us for a favor. I find though that if someone asks for a favor, they often are pretty desperate for help and may not have asked with the finesse Tynan would like observed. Unless they are Adam Grant’s takers.

This favor, this Excel spreadsheet favor, was not solicited, except from my prompting. I gave this amazing woman the gift of asking for whatever I could do for her. Genie-like. She took me at my word.

Now that the time has been carved out, and a new skill has been honed, I’m thankful it worked out.

Doing favors for people isn’t a regular activity of mine, but it is something to aspire to. It is a great good.

We have had so many favors done for us. Two of the many that come to mind are a lawn mowed during a time we struggled caring for a our hospitalized little girl (thanks always J.R.) and the company offered to Dave in a surgery waiting room (thanks, Harriet).

It might be a helpful activity to write down all the favors done for us, or for others that we know about. Such a beautiful thing a kindness with nothing expected in return.

If you have some data demanding an Excel spreadsheet…and you need some help…maybe just wait a few days, ok? Same with moving.

[Any stories of doing or asking for a favor? Please tell us in the Comments below.]

Monday Morning Moment – Leaders We Want to Imitate – 10 “I” Adjective Descriptors (All)Iterated

Photo Credit: Boom Positive

From the time we were small children, we learn by imitating. We master both our mindsets and our capacities and competencies by learning from others…by imitating those we see doing well or doing good. We imitate until it becomes our own, and then amazingly sometimes others imitate us as well.

That is both sobering and challenging for us as leaders. It also gives pause in our choice of whom we imitate. We may sometime have to go out of our way to find excellent leaders to learn from. It does not take away necessity of following the direction of our bosses. We become like those we spend time with. The warning here is if we struggle with appreciating our leaders we may still default to become like them.

So we keep people in our lives worthy of imitating.

[I wanted to write about a much heavier topic this morning as our country is reeling from two mass shootings this weekend leaving at least 30 dead. So utterly devastating. I hope to write on this another day but today the words fail. Please, if you pray, pray for our country and especially for those grieving the loss of their loved ones.]

What characterizes a person we would profit by imitating? In a 12-minute teaching, author theologian John Piper emphasizes the importance of both the passion and the practice of the one we would seek to imitate. Both “the feeling and the living” for the sake of others rather than one’s own ambition.

Photo Credit: Desiring God; John Piper

I’ve said before that I love the grammar device of alliteration, and in writing today, it was easy to pull 10 distinctives together all beginning with “i” to describe a leader to imitate:

1) Inclusive – This leader would open the circle of leadership to include content experts, team leaders/coaches, and a sampling of those most affected by decisions being made. She/he is not threatened by a wider circle of influence.

2) Intelligent – I do not know how intelligent I am but have benefited from the thinking of others. Intelligence includes good judgment and sound reasoning.

3) Interested – You have probably experienced the difference when one is feigning interest vs. one who is genuinely interested in the person(s) right in front of him. She/he genuinely cares what others think and how they are affected by the direction of the organization.

4) Impassioned – It is easy to get behind someone who loves what they are doing and care about the outcomes (and their impact on people). When the cause is right or just, we can understand how the impassioned one is unflagging in his commitment. Adding the “i’s” above to “impassioned” moves folks forward in positive ways.

5) Involved – By involved, I don’t mean a micro-manager nor the opposite of an armchair quarterback . Involved is taking responsibility for the part that belongs to the leader and doing what he/she can to help the others on the team to do their part. With leaders like this, we don’t have to search for them. They’re close by.

6) Inspiring/Inspired –We are fueled to imitate someone when we see that what he/she is about matters. Even when the task is hard and the goal is beyond our view, this type person will encourage us to keep persevering.

7) Innovative/Imaginative – I’m an idea person who would be throwing ideas out and throwing ideas out until everyone left the room. Thankfully, I’ve had the opportunity through the years to work with people who know how to take good ideas and turn them into great products/services. I’ve learned through the years by imitating these teammates – of going through the steps of taking an idea through to the innovation. So grateful for leaders who allowed me…welcomed me…to stay in the conversation.

8) Indefatigable – It’s easy to get tired and give up. People worthy of imitating are those who keep at it…who don’t stop until “it’s” done.

9) Intrepid – Along with indefatigable is intrepid – that characteristic of one who is not afraid of what could happen or what could be stirred up in the doing. She/he takes risks, values the adventure we are on, doesn’t mind the messy.

10) Irreproachable – Finally, character. Consistent, dependable character. We know we are safe to imitate this person because he/she is not going to surprise us with moral failure or self-serving or indifference or favoritism. Again, I’m so thankful for men and women who have given me space at their tables through the years…who continue to be the same sorts of people now as they were decades ago. Just more of whom I want to be like as I get older.

So there’s my list. It’s sort of like a “perfect leader person”, right? Or maybe you are thinking other characteristics more appropriate to the person you would hope to imitate. Please comment below – they don’t have to start with an “i”.

Philippians 3:17 – the Kind of Person You Should Imitate – John Piper

5 Friday Faves – Political Correctness or Not So Much, Claire’s Lion King Medley, Back to School, Michael W. Smith, and The Last Black Man in San Francisco

Here we go! Friday Faves! Just for you…

1) Political Correctness or Not So Much – It doesn’t do any of us good to use language or messaging that inflame division or hatred. The dilemma is that the rules on what is “politically correct” change and grow such that it becomes difficult even to have dialogue  across political or sociological lines. When we differ in how we think on today’s issues, we desperately need to keep talking to each other…listening to each other…to work toward solutions with positive lasting impact.

Photo Credit: Pixabay

What happens to me, in the face of articulate and passionate people who insist on a politically correct and savvy response? I go silent. Silence is serves no one.

This week I discovered author pastor Scott Sauls‘ article “Saying ‘No’ to Political Correctness”.

“What if we’ve gotten it all wrong in our efforts to be politically correct and not risk stirring the pot, ever? What if, in our sincere attempt to become relevant to the culture, we have instead become products and disciples of the culture? If we discovered that skeptics would take us more seriously for being open with our views versus secretive and timid about them, would we become more expressive about the truths we hold inside?” – Scott Sauls

Sauls also acknowledges that those of us who are Christian evangelicals may seem a minority and feel we have no voice…but hopefully it isn’t because we’ve given up our voice. We have a mandate from God to stand for Him, to hear, and to speak, even as a minority.

Ironically, the single thing that makes Scripture relevant to our culture, and any culture, is that Scripture shows no interest in being relevant. Instead, it acts as God still speaking, affirming what’s good and confronting what’s not. Where Scripture and culture are at odds, Christians too must remain countercultural.

But we must not allow our counter-cultural postures to become anti-cultural.

A perception of minority status can easily tempt Christians to get testy, even hostile, against a world God calls us to love. Scott Sauls

Politically correct or incorrect, we are called to love without prejudice or reserve. So I’m moved to listen more than ever. Listening takes getting close to people. Resolved to get close.

2) Claire’s Lion King Medley – When Claire Crosby was three, her dad Dave began videotaping her & posting to YouTube. My first awareness of her was their version of You’ve Got a Friend in Me. Even before that song, she did a totally adorable version of Little Mermaid.Photo Credit: Facebook, Claire Ryann Crosby

Her singing of “A Million Dreams” is amazing! Goosebumps listening to a 5 y/o sing.

Now the whole family has produced a video of Every Song From Lion King. So good. Also don’t miss the behind-the-scenes video of the making of this video. Fascinating and fun.

YouTube Video – Every Song From The Lion King Movie – 6 year-old Claire and the Crosby Family

YouTube Video – We Made a Lion King Video – The Crosby’s

YouTube Video – The Lion King (Main Theme – “This Land” – Beyond the Guitar (my kid’s version)

3) Back to School – [Adapted from the Archives] During the hottest days of summer, a Fall breeze blows through our favorite stores. Back to school supplies and cool kids’ clothes pop up everywhere. I have always loved the smell of pencils and paper. However, I never loved the long hours of school that boxed in our children to spend evenings separated from us and each other with hours and hours of homework. Sorry, wonderful teacher friends of mine. Anyway, seeing school supplies in the stores this week was fun…and also a reminder of the flight of time. Summer slow down (too late to slow down for some of you. Welcome to the next school year).Blog - Back to School Supplies - friday Faves

So much new happens as summer ends, and Fall stretches out before us. Routines and rhythms crank up again. Growth spurts require new clothes. Then there are all the school supplies required for starting a new year.

As our children grew up, we had varying seasons of “back-to-school” between home schooling and other schooling, both in the US and in Africa. It was never easy for me to see them off, when we didn’t homeschool. I missed them…and those moments together when they talked about life as they saw it. I also missed being able to protect them from some of the meanness in the world. Still, the start of the school year, for all of us, is a hopeful time of anticipation and wonder, of new beginnings and possibilities.[Kudos to the teachers, Stacie Mills & Kirby Joseph, whose classrooms pre-student-return, were my inspiration on this fave.]

How thankful I am for teachers who really care for their students. Teachers who see themselves as partners with parents, even us most woefully unprepared…for the sake of these kiddos who will hold the future in their hands one day. What a marvel this is.

Back to School – Teachers On My Mind – Deb Mills

Putting the Basket in the Water: Trusting God in the Next Phase of Your Child’s Life – Ashlei Woods

The Trauma-Informed Teacher – Silent Front Line

4) Michael W. Smith – Singer songwriter Michael W. Smith has given me words to worship God for over 35 years. Either writing himself, collaborating, or performing others’ songs. He has blessed so many of us over the years. Today when it seems people struggle so hard to finish strong, Michael is the real deal. Not yet 60, he has been married to Debbie for over 35 years. He wrote his first song when he was 5 and he’s been writing them ever since.

His “Agnus Dei” is one of my favorites. I’m actually not sure why it is entitled that, but it is a powerful worship song. Few lyrics; but great heart! Like Michael.

This week, I watched the TBN special “35 Years of Friends – Celebrating the Music of Michael W. Smith”. Here’s a highlight reel of that show. So great! All the emotions of decades of music that moved hearts and lives.

Thanks, Michael W. Smith, for living a life on- and off-stage that never compromised what you hold dear – God, your family, and all of us friends of yours.

Michael W. Smith – Grammy Winner and Grandfather – Jeremy V. Jones

10 Best Michael W. Smith SongsPamela Rose Williams (includes his bio and stories)

List of All Songs by Michael W. Smith (A-Z) – with links to the videos

Michael W. Smith – Song List (with links to iTunes)

5) The Last Black Man in San Francisco – Have you ever had to leave a house you loved? One that expressed home almost as much as the people who lived there? When my mom died and we finally had to sell the house where we grew up, it was hard. Every time, I go to home to Georgia, I still drive by that little much-loved house. If its walls could talk…

The film The Last Black Man in San Francisco is the story about a beloved house. I haven’t seen the film yet but it’s on my film list for this summer. Everything I’ve read about it (and watching the trailer below) touched my heart. Comment below if you’ve seen it. I love it already.

YouTube Video – How “The Last Black Man in San Francisco” Was Made – HBO

That’s it for me. Be blessed. Thanks for reading. It means a lot.

Bonuses:

Size 14 Is No Longer the Average Size for an American Woman – Chris Adams

Photo Credit: Facebook, Maria Bessler

Worship Wednesday – Hope that Inspires Response – God of This City – Chris Tomlin

Photo Credit: YouTube

This is what the LORD says: “Administer justice and righteousness. Rescue the victim of robbery from his oppressor. Don’t exploit or brutalize the resident alien, the fatherless, or the widow. Don’t shed innocent blood in this place.”  Jeremiah 22:3

“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! You pay a tenth of mint, dill, and cumin, and yet you have neglected the more important matters of the law–justice, mercy, and faithfulness. These things should have been done without neglecting the others.”Matthew 23:23

It’s easy to get entangled in the negative, life-sucking conversations that bombard us through the mainstream news and social media.

Not today!

There was a time, not too long ago, when friends and coworkers would tell me that I inspired hope. That even when situations seemed hopeless, I could find the glimmer of light still present. The possibility. The “could happen”.

Somehow I have let that hope for our country…and world…flicker and dim.

Today, a light went on for me. A God-inspired remembrance. A hope that goes beyond but also includes us as individuals. A hope that answers the question, “What can one person do?”

I live in this beautiful small city in America. Richmond, Virginia.

Photo Credit: Flickr

It is a city of innovation and renovation. Once the capital of the Confederacy, there is also a history that divides the city.Photo Credit: Flickr, Taber Andrew Bain

Homelessness, poverty, racial discrimination, food insecurity, violence, crime, urban housing and education challenges, and addiction issues are all part of this city’s deep-seated problems.

While we rant about our country’s larger struggles, we sometimes forget that we are very present in the communities we call home.

We may not be able to do much about our nation’s troubles, but right here…right here in Richmond, we can make a difference. God is present and we are His people. In both the Old and New Testaments, He gives direction. It’s for us to act, prayerfully, with authority, and in love. To see our city as He sees it, and to love it accordingly.

I am certain that I will see the LORD’s goodness in the land of the living.  Psalm 27:13

Worship with me – hope with me – to Chris Tomlin‘s God of This City:

[Verse 1]
You’re the God of this city
You’re the king of these people
You’re the lord of this nation
You are

[Verse 2]
You’re the light in this darkness
You’re the hope to the hopeless
You’re the peace to the restless
You are

There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God

[Chorus]
For greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this city
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this city

[Verse 1]

[Verse 2]

There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God

[Chorus]
For greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this city
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done here

There is no one like our god
There is no one like you, God

[Chorus]
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this city
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done here*

*Lyrics to God of This City – Songwriters: Aaron Boyd, Andrew Mccann, Ian Jordan, Peter Comfort, Peter Kernaghan, Richard Bleakley

Story Behind the Song – God of This City also YouTube Video Bluetree God of This City Story

The Lessons of an Innercity Hospital – God Loves Us All the Same – Deb Mills

Worship Wednesday – Do Something by Matthew West – Deb Mills

YouTube Video – God of This City (by Bluetree) – Fishermen’s Project//Cover

YouTube Video – God of Justice – Tim Hughes

Monday Morning Moment – Leadership, Criticism, and the Man (or Woman) in the Arena

Photo Credit: YouTube

Monday’s are exceptional days of the week. You may enter it with one focus or resolve and then discover a golden nugget that takes you a very different direction. It happened to me this morning.

My temptation was to vent frustration over a situation where leadership leans toward being restrictive, exclusive, and narrow in focus. Aren’t you glad I am not writing about that today?!

[I’ve written previously about negativity and how to turn it around – here, here, and here. No matter how consequential the issue, criticism won’t get us where we want to go.]

As I pondered how to address the topic in a positive, redemptive way, I came across a wise friend’s Facebook post that pointed me to an edited video of a talk given by author and vulnerability researcher Brené Brown.

She was addressing an audience of young “creatives”.  She encouraged them to “show up and be seen”, but in so doing, there is a consequence. We will, at times, get our behinds busted, so to speak.

She referenced a riveting speech that President Theodore Roosevelt gave in 1910, shortly after he left office. I do not remember ever hearing this speech until today. Below is the excerpt that Brown quoted:

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” – Theodore Roosevelt

I was deeply humbled by the wisdom of that speech.

Our leaders all have their own arenas. You have yours. I have mine. It is not my desire to exit the place where I am called to serve, to create, to fight battles meant for me…just to become a critical or negative spectator in another’s arena.

There are times when our battle is made harder by another…by one who could alter our circumstance, who could provide assistance, who could hear our cry for help…and doesn’t heed. It happens.

Yet…it doesn’t take away the cause I’m meant to hold dear…and the one for which I am to fight. It certainly doesn’t warrant me leaving my battle to judge his or hers.

Brené Brown gave a strong warning to both the unengaged leader and the critical employee:

“If you’re in the cheap seats, not putting yourself on the line, and just talking about how I could do it better, I’m in no way interested in your feedback.”Brené Brown

Scorching, right?

This Monday my thinking and life direction went a different way than at first it was headed. Are there times when we speak to leaders, imploring them to consider another way? Of course…but never so much that we take our eyes off our own work…our own arena.

Let’s get after it!

YouTube Video – Brené Brown – The Man in the Arena Speech (edited)

YouTube Video – Brené Brown – Why Your Critics Aren’t the Ones Who Count

“Citizenship in a Republic” – Theodore Roosevelt speech, April 23, 1910

Roosevelt’s “The Man in the Arena” – Erin McCarthy

Worship Wednesday – In You Alone, I’m Satisfied – About a Mile

Image result for SatisfiedPhoto Credit: Journey Church, Gillette

I saw the Lord ever before me; because He is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices. Moreover, my flesh will rest in hope, because You will not abandon me in Hades or allow your holy one to see decay. You have revealed the paths of life to me;
You will fill me with gladness in your presence.Acts 2:25-28, Psalm 16:8-11

Is there a difference between being satisfied and being content?

A couple of days ago, I came across a friend’s Facebook post about struggling with contentment.Photo Credit: Jordan Smith, Facebook

She and her family had just returned from a trip states away where she caught up with her parents and siblings. It must have been a lovely visit because her Monday morning post ached with the longing of being nearer to the rest of her family. Over her coffee, she lamented that longing and wondered at her discontent.

I so resonated with her struggle as I have long had a similar one. The whole of our marriage has been spent being states away from parents and siblings…sometimes even countries away. Even with all the lovely good in our lives, that missing the close proximity of extended family disturbed my contentment on a regular basis.

Now we have the joy of living in the same city with our grown children and grandchildren, but the longing of being near our other family persists.

Wanting to spend time with those we love is a good thing. It is a desire that must please the Lord. He has prepared an Eternity for us to redeem the times of separation here – from Him and others we love.

My friend got me thinking about the difference in contentment and satisfaction.

The Apostle Paul in his letter to the Philippian church gave excellent counsel about contentment. It was something he learned over his life:

I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I find myself. I know both how to make do with little, and I know how to make do with a lot. In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being content—whether well fed or hungry, whether in abundance or in need. I am able to do all things through Him who strengthens me. Philippians 4:11-13

We take heart that through life, we can learn contentment, too. Through life and relationship. Paul could wrestle with and win over discontent because of Jesus. Jesus gave him the strength to be content.

What I think the difference is between contentment and satisfaction is the focus or object. Various assaults may come against contentment for us – missing family, work disappointments, the drudgery of routines…and the list goes on. Contentment is very fluid. We can have some measure of contentment in every moment of our lives.

Satisfaction goes deeper, I think. When we take our eyes off of the disturbances of heart and mind and fix them on Jesus, we are satisfied. He is enough.

It is a matter…a discipline or habit…of returning to the only One who can wholly satisfy our hearts. Then whatever caused our discontent fades or, at least, perspective is restored.

The beautiful young friend above, with her Monday morning coffee and struggle with contentment, still gives witness to a heart satisfied with Jesus. That is one thing I know about her… The rest will work itself out.

Worship with me to Satisfied by brother band About a Mile:

Let Your song be the song I sing
Through the blessing and burdens this life will bring
In You alone I’m satisfied

Through the struggles I face
When contentment starts to fade
Through the constant wondering
When my doubt is crippling
This will be my, this will be my prayer

Let Your song be the song I sing
Through the blessings and burdens this life will bring
In You alone I’m satisfied
In You I’m satisfied

I’m letting go of my fears
And believing that You’re here
No matter what my future holds
You are God, You are in control
And this will be my, this will be my prayer

Let Your song be the song I sing
Through the blessings and burdens this life will bring
In You alone I’m satisfied
And all I need is Your sacrifice
I have more than I deserve
You gave me Your life
In You alone I’m satisfied

No matter the cost
I’ll take up my cross
And run to You, run to You
No matter the cost
I’ll take up my cross
And run to You, run to You

This will be my, this will be my prayer
This will be my, this will be my prayer

In You alone I’m satisfied*

Lyrics to Satisfied – Songwriters: Casey Brown, Adam Klutinoty, Jonathan Smith

On Being Content – Slideplayer

Satisfied in Jesus – Rick Higgins

Story Behind the Song – Satisfied – by About a Mile

About a Mile – Band Website

5 Friday Faves – Spider-Man on Classical Guitar, American Idol Laine Hardy, Le Tour de France, Moving Day, and the Mid-Summer Garden

1) Spider-Man on Classical Guitar – The latest Spider-Man (Far From Home) debuted in the theaters this week. With it, we have the treat of a Beyond the Guitar arrangement of the film theme.  Composed by the incredible Michael Giacchino, Far From Home Suite Home is this huge orchestral piece that makes just the right backdrop for Marvel’s latest Spider-Man installation. Nathan Mills clearly loves this theme (as he does Marvel film music, in general). His arrangement again does it justice…on that single beautiful classical guitar:

2) American Idol Laine Hardy – I’ve written about our Independence Day celebrations other times (here, here, & here). One accidental tradition of ours is the PBS Capitol 4th TV celebration of the 4th of July (staged in front of the US Capitol building). It’s accidental because, as much as we love to watch fireworks displays, the crowds and traffic keep us home most years…so we watch them on TV. [We get some live fireworks in the neighborhood, but we see most of the magic on TV]. The fireworks in Washington, DC, never disappoint. Nor does Laine Hardy, the 2019 American Idol, who sang for the PBS special. Photo Credit: Countable

Here he is:

3) Le Tour de France – This magnificent bicycling race set annually in the beautiful mountains and countryside of Europe is a not-to-miss  for us. Even with all the doping issues of the past (present?), it’s an amazing bicycling event – 3 weeks long. Beginning in Belgium this year and ending always in Paris, France. My husband, Dave, is a biker. He knows all those NFL stats that guys seem to know, and he has that same capacity, through the years, for Tour de France facts. Every summer we watch. Not yet in Europe…but maybe one day.Photo Credit: Pixabay

How Do Cyclists Physically Survive the Tour de France? We asked a Physiologist and Former Pro Rider – Louis Bien

4) Moving Day – Packing up all your stuff and moving across the world, or even across town, is fairly stressful. You never know how much stuff you have until you actually try to put it all in boxes. Wrestling sofas and mattresses into a rental truck requires a lot of muscle and some engineering skill. This week some friends are moving and we are helping. Every time (at least in the last 5 years or so), after showing up for another friend’s move, Dave says: “That’s the last time.. I’m getting too old for this.” Moving is stressful and the cost of professional movers would add to that stress. Fortunately, friends and family still show up. They take a Saturday morning and determine to fit all the stuff into that rental truck and the cars of the movers. Every time, because they love those people moving. Every time, it always works out. Right? (Or do you have a story where it didn’t?)

5) Midsummer Garden – Our weather has languished for days in the 90s. Hard to just be outside for very long. However, the garden draws us out. The flowers are at their peak or just a bit beyond. Birds, bees, and butterflies tend the blooms almost as much as we do (to be accurate, it’s all Dave). It’s a beautiful time of the year…as it may be where you are as well.

So that’s this week’s favorites for me. Veered away from the more serious issues of late. Those can wait for another day. Blessings on your weekend…and you, in particular.

Bonuses:

Statue in Amsterdan, entitled Addiction:Photo Credit: Bored Panda

5LQ Episode 351: On Reading Well With Karen Swallow Prior

Caring for a loved one is hard work — 6 ways you can fight burnout

Downton Abbey – the Exhibition – Coming Soon to the Biltmore, Asheville, NC

America the Beautiful // Love and Longing – Andrew Arndt

Republicans Don’t Understand Democrats – and Democrats Don’t Understand Republicans – Yascha Mounk

Photo Credit: The Journey Center for Healing Arts, Facebook

5 Friday Faves – Best Of’s – Building a Great Organizational Culture, Naming Our Grief, Habits of Mentally Strong People, Book of Opposites, and the Story of God for Postmoderns

[Not much time this week for discovering or writing – here are some of my favorite faves, going  back a ways.]

1) Building a Great Organizational Culture – a Podcast – 5 Leadership Questions about Building a Great Organizational Culture – This is a great conversation between Barnabas Piper, Todd Adkins, and Eric Geiger on organizational culture. They define culture as “shared values beneath the surface that drive behavior”. Aspirational values (what takes place on the wall) are distinguished from actual values (what takes place in the hall). What is your workplace culture? “We don’t treat people like that here”. Like what? What culture do you have or hope to build?Blog - Organizational Culture - slideshare.netPhoto Credit: Slideshare.net

Also see Organizational Culture and Climate – SlideShare.

2) Naming our Grief – Grief always has a name and naming our grief helps us to heal. Having lived overseas for many years, we understand “Hellos-Goodbyes-Hellos” – both the sorrows and the joys of them. As the years go by, we experience job changes, relocations of friends and family, and deaths of loved ones. This November will be the 17th anniversary of my Mom’s Homegoing, and every day I still think of her. That grief definitely has a name. Sometimes grief feels more vague, like a sadness with a cloudy source.

When I found this piece Because Grief Has a Name by Abby Alleman, it touched my heart. She says it well:

“Naming grief is our heart acknowledging its significance and place in our lives. In this way, grief is a friend, like Sadness from the movie Inside Out. Photo Credit: Aepadillablog

It teaches us the shape of our own unique story and guides us to tastes of the ‘fullness of joy’ found in God’s presence. Acknowledging and entering grief also guards our hearts from the calcifying effects of the denial of pain, hurt or loss. Instead of resentment, bitterness or hatred, we get healing, strength and hope. We also become those who grieve well with others. This is a true gift.” – Abby Alleman

3) Critical Habits of Mentally Strong People Travis Bradberry published a super helpful article on mental toughness. He lists 15 critical habits of mentally strong people. Take a minute to go to this article for some quick, clear counsel on building up your mental muscle. – not just for work, also for anything where mental toughness (not hardness) would help.Blog - Friday Faves - Habits of Mentally Strong People - slideshare.netPhoto Credit: Slideshare.net

4) Book of Opposites Jennifer Kahnweiler has written a fascinating book on Introversion-Extroversion. The Genius of Opposites: How Introverts and Extroverts Achieve Extraordinary Results Together. My  husband is a  introvert  and I am an extrovert. We have been married 35 years and have worked together many of those years. We have learned a lot of Kahnweiler’s wisdom on our own…and after quite a few years of struggle. This book is very helpful and empowering for any partnership between introverts and extroverts.

Blog - Friday Faves - Genius of Opposites

Photo Credit: Amazon.com

Skip Pritchard wrote a great review here.Genius-card-front-1Photo Credit: SkipPritchard.com

5) The Story of God for Postmoderns – How would you answer the question, “What is the Bible all about?” If you were to prepare an answer of this question for a Post-modern, you might be disappointed. A true post-modern is probably not going to ask you that question. However, what if our friends could get hold of the idea that the Bible is not just a grand story that Christians have concocted? The Bible, in truth, is a winsomely unified story God actually tells about Himself from the first page to the last. Dr. David Teague, in the article, The Biblical Metanarrative, lays out the clearest explanation I’ve ever read of the Story of God – of how the Bible is God’s own revelation of Himself to His people. Don’t miss this gem.Blog - Friday faves - Peanuts & Postmoderns

Photo Credit: Peanuts, ParkingSpace23.com

Bonus: Phenomenal Classical Guitarist – This guy. Nathan Mills – related to us? Nathan at guitarPhoto Credit: Duy Nguyen

Yes. I get to be Mom to this amazing young man… Because we are related and it’s not always comfortable for him how effusive I am about his music…I restrain myself. Unsuccessfully. Right now, he’s fairly new to that larger world of music, but he’s playing, teaching, arranging, and composing. One day, you will know him if you don’t already… Mark it down.

A video from his early days with Nathan Mills Guitar:

…and his latest arrangement (June 2019) on his Beyond the Guitar YouTube channel:

 

Monday Morning Moment – the Perils of Social Media – That Post Might Not Have Been Meant For You

Photo Credit: Needpix, Geralt, Pixabay

Some years ago, I got tapped for the communications strategist role for a work team that was near and dear to my heart. It was a joy for me to wave the banner for our work – to raise awareness, inform and educate via the various social media outlets. Part of the job was following the social media accounts of folks also engaged in similar work, learning from and engaging with them.

It was where my love-hate relationship with social media began. Sifting through hundreds of posts and scrolling through silly to discover the substantive – time-consuming for sure. Mind-numbing at times. It’s why friends and colleagues curtail their Twitter and Facebook habits. For me, it’s been more gain than loss in learning from those I follow.

In particular, from those I follow that I wouldn’t know otherwise.

Social media allows us a window into the lives of people we are only barely acquainted with.

Also, we have this odd access to people who are celebrities in their fields of expertise – be they actors, scientists, politicians, educators, artists, or thought leaders of some sort or other.

We must be wary of making social media more personal than it actually is. Social media by definition presumes that it is actually social – between amicable and obliging people. Community is also presumed. Communication, too.

We must be cautious about entering into dialog, even with just a like button…because, in fact, that tweet or Facebook status could have been meant for a rather different audience.

That post frankly might not have been meant for you.

On the flip side, the social silence that follows one of your own posts might also not have been personal either. It is what it is.

Recently, I began following author John Pavlovitz on Twitter. He popped up as author of an article and, intrigued, I shared it:Photo Credit: ChurchPlant

Then it turns out he is an wildly active tweeter, and my Twitter page has grown full of his take on both our country’s political and religious failings. I try not to engage, but today, it felt personal so I did…my mistake.

Photo Credit: Twitter, John Pavlovitz

If you’re Southern Baptist, or a white, middle class, heterosexual (definitely male) evangelical…this tweet might have been “meant” for you. I realized later in the day, it wasn’t meant for me. I replied, and got smacked down by another follower of Mr. Pavlovitz. Probably deserved since I actually thought I could enter the conversation…but it wasn’t about me.

You see…it wasn’t actually an open conversation.

That’s an important distinction in successfully maneuvering social media. Not all conversations are open to everyone. I would love to be in some of the dialogs going on in various cyber-locations. The problem is although it feels like we’re invited, it isn’t the case.

I’m slowly learning that.

However, remaining silent is not the answer either. Conversations are needed with places at the table for as diverse a community of people as possible.

It happens occasionally on social media and I’m thankful for what I learn in the gracious company of people who don’t necessarily agree with me, or I with them…but who consider a differing view and who practice reasoned dialog with others.

[Update: I did decide to “unfollow” the gentleman above. Increasing my understanding of how others think can come from others.]

What are your thoughts on this?

A quote by actor Denzel Washington bears repeating here (posted in last week’s Friday Faves). Washington won the American Film Institute’s Lifetime Achievement award last week. His acceptance speech was the stuff of community and caring and healing…across the lines that too often divide us:

[In his acceptance speech,] he shared a brief 30-year-old video of his father-in-law talking to the camera and preaching a message of love. “God intends for us to love all mankind and by being in a loving mood, caring for one another, that’s our purpose for life,” his father-in-law said in the clip. “We should care for one another and we should help one another.”

Washington closed by reflecting on and reinforcing this message, saying, “In this Twitter, tweet, mean, mean world that we’ve created for our children, the least we can do is consider what we’ve done and think about the young people, the future, and individually, collectively, we can try and do the best we can. I blame no one; I look in the mirror. On the other side of it, what an opportunity we have because tomorrow’s the first day of the rest of our lives, so what an opportunity we have to practice what he preached.”Maureen Lee Lenker, Entertainment Weekly

Photo Credit: Max Pixel

In closing, I thought about extending an apology to Mr. Pavlovitz… but again realized (still learning) he wasn’t writing to me. I was not meant to come to the table set for those who would respond in affirmative to his tweet or in embattled reaction to it.

Mr. Pavlovitz, you help me grow in my understanding about how others experience politics and the church. I want to understand. It helps to realize your posts aren’t meant for me therefore I will not take them personally in the future. [Of course, you won’t be reading this…but just throwing it out there]. Blessings.

Monday Morning Moment – a ‘Mean Girl’ Culture – Modeling Inclusion and Resilience for our Daughters

Photo Credit: Mean Girls Film, The Daily Targum

When we think mean girls, the 2004 film Mean Girls probably comes to mind. Such a classic story of teen drama, it has also been adapted to the stage as a Broadway play. The expression mean girls brings to mind girls, in middle school and through college, who will do whatever it takes to be most popular in their school or circle.

I’m not sure girls intend to be mean…it just happens in the climb to the top. Others get pushed down in the process.

Growing up, my experience with mean girls was fairly limited. We had a neighbor girl who for a season chose me to be her bullying target. We never came to blows (the one fight I decided to finish – she would have laid me out if it had happened – was aborted when my mom providentially came home from work early that day. In high school, she and I (Gail was her name) actually became good friends.

I do remember early in middle school getting in trouble for talking in class. One of the really popular girls had asked me about an assignment, but the teacher only saw me answering her. In an attempt to use me as an example, the teacher shamed me in front of the class. The girl who triggered the situation just sat there and smiled as others snickered. It was on me that I talked…and it taught me a big lesson.

In high school, I was fairly nerdy. A few of us outsiders hung together happily for those four years. The exclusivity and cliquishness of the really popular girls didn’t really affect me…until Senior year. At that time, I was dating one of the football players which drew me into the popular girl circles…superficially. I was voted to be secretary of the Senior class as well as being chosen as my class representative to the Homecoming court. Later I would find out these two things came my way because one of the uber-popular girls had campaigned for me so that another popular girl she was at odds with wouldn’t get those honors. Sigh… A little story from my high school years. It worked well for me…but it gave me a view inside a mean girls world.

Our daughter saw the Mean Girls movie while she was in college. She was that girl new to American culture having grown up in Africa. Fortunately, she like her mama didn’t personally experience much of that exclusive girls’ clique shtick.

As moms, we can help our daughters (and sons) to overcome the sort of insecurity and identity politic that goes into becoming mean girls/guys. On the flip side, we can also guide them through the experience of being hurt by such a tribal situation. Lastly, we can model and mentor our children to be includers rather than excluders.

Photo Credit: LibQuotes

This week I discovered a 2-part piece on raising includers. Written by therapist Lisa McCrohan, the coaching article was helpful in confronting the whole mean girl phenomenon.

Raising Girls Who Are “Includers” Instead of “Mean Girls” (Part 1) – Lisa McCrohan

I Was That New Kid Sitting Alone at the Lunch Table (Part 2) – Lisa McCrohan

Photo Credit: Lisa McCrohan

In brief, here is a summary of her counsel:

I want to talk straight with you. It’s time now to make a difference in your child’s life, in your community, and in our world.  We can create a more compassionate world – starting within our homes.

Here are six ways we can help our children rise with resilience, feel connected, and believe that they matter — and prevent bullying:

1. Get off our phones.

2.  Be present.

3.  Keep reflecting our children’s light and their goodness. – “We are the ones who have to send them the message that they belong, they matter, and they are loved. Always.”

4.  Teach our children responsibility. 

5.  Teach our children to be the one who risks kindness. – “We can model this. In your family, make this a motto: be the first one to be kind… The ‘first one to be kind’ is the leader. A strong, effective leader. Others will follow suit. Let’s teach our children the skills of empathy and courage to stand up for what is right.”

6.  We have to own our stuff to heal. – Lisa McCrohan

McCrohan gives much more commentary in her articles so read them in full when you have the time.

Her point #6 reminded me of a time when our children were in a small American school overseas. Our youngest has some learning issues as did the daughter of another mom in the school. One day I was subbing in her daughter’s class, and the mom just happened to come to the door during a math quiz. I had just walked away from her daughter’s desk after helping her get back on track with a complicated problem, and when the mom showed up, her daughter had begun to cry. For years after that, her mom and I had a strained relationship. She had made an assumption that I had left her daughter without the help she needed…which was not true. Our children struggled with some of the same learning issues, and we could have been such a support to each other, but…it wasn’t meant to be. Somewhere along the way, that mom had her own “stuff to heal”. It still bothers me today. That we couldn’t be friends because of a misunderstanding.

Was that mean girl stuff? No,but I do think those of us who tend to wall ourselves off from others or who have to be “the best, most popular” have some sort of wound that needs healing…before we pass it along to our children.

Anyway, ’nuff said. Our kids have been raised to be inclusive almost to a fault. Are they inclusive? No…not always, but neither am I. Still, understanding the value of “drawing circles” that welcome others in is a strong foundation on which we build relationships.

[If you have mean girls stories, either on the receiving end or that of being the one bullying, I’d love for you to share your experiences, counsel, etc. in Comments below.]

YouTube Video – Mean Girls – Best Scenes (Warning: some language)

Inner Circles – the Mad Pursuit of Position, Power, Prominence, and Plenty – Deb Mills