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Worship Wednesday – Loving Well, Hating Well

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Photo Credit: Destiny City, Don Vess

But to those of you who will listen, I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. – Luke 6:27-28

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, outcry and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and tenderhearted to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you. – Ephesians 4:31-32

There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers. – Proverbs 6:16-19

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Carefully consider what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible on your part, live at peace with everyone. Do not avenge yourselves, beloved, but leave room for God’s wrath. For it is written: “Vengeance is Mine; I will repay, says the Lord.” – Romans 12:17-19

Finally, all of you, be like-minded and sympathetic, love as brothers, be tenderhearted and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. – 1 Peter 3:8-9

The beginning of this year in the US has been marked with violence in the streets and clashes with federal agents. Social and news media posts are daily filled with critiques of one group of people vs. another one. Whole people groups. Division is high. Fingers pointed. Disdain fueled by distancing. Even Christians against Christians…sadly.

Writer, theologian Trevin Wax posted a blog this past week on something I’d never heard of before – censoriousness. It is defined as “the state of being censorious, which means having a tendency to blame, criticize, or condemn others. It often involves a habit of finding fault and reproaching others for their actions or opinions.”

How to Deal with a Censorious Spirit – Trevin Wax (really excellent read)

In John Bevere‘s book The Bait of Satan, he teaches on how to respond when we are treated unfairly. Our temptation is to react when someone berates or condemns us. We don’t feel understood. The same applies to those toward whom we express contempt. There is always more to the story. The saying “Two things can be true” is applied. Issues brewing in our country are not so simple as one side against another. The causes are multi-layered and complex. Oh for the simple to reign…and in God’s Word, He breaks down the complex. We are to pray for those in opposition to us (and vice versa). We are to be curious and seek understanding. We are not to allow the world and its evil to divide us. We are to remember that God is in control, and it is His prerogative to judge and make things right.

Photo Credit: Charles Brent, Heartlight

Clinical psychologist, leadership expert Dr. Henry Cloud’s describes how to hate well in his small and fascinating book 9 Things a Leader Must Do. He is wise and succinct on all the topics of this book but especially on hating well, and I quote him here:

“Hate is one of the most crucial ingredients of a good person’s character. What we hate says a lot about who we are, what we value, what we care about…Basically, we are defined in part by what we love and what we hate. You can tell a lot about people by what they love…[and] by what they hate…You can depend on people who…hate arrogance, lying, innocent people being hurt, harmful schemes, evil practices, telling lies about others, and things that stir up dissension among people. [the things that God hates – Proverbs 6:16-19]…The first thing that hate does for us is to help us move against certain traits and issues, thus becoming different from them…The second way hate benefits us is that it causes us to protect what we value…The third way that hate is a good thing is the flip side of protection. Hate moves us to destroy bad things, which are often the things that threaten the good. [However] Unsuccessful leaders hate in ways that solve problems as opposed to creating problems…The difference between leaders who hate well and those who hate destructively lies in the difference between two kinds of hate: subjective and objective. Subjective anger [hate] blasts other people, causes overreactions, dissensions, inability to resolve conflict, broken relationships…Make the subjective hatred objective. Transform it to the kind of hate that solves problems, protects things that you value, and stands against the things that you do not want in your life and work…[he/she] shows up with integrated character. When he brings hate, he brings love as well…and respect, kindness, and forgiveness [taking] a hard stand on a touch issue but remaining loving and kind in the process.” – Dr. Henry Cloud, 9 Things a Leader Must Do – pp. 73-83

In hating well, the focus is on unrighteous acts not on the offenders. It’s not personal. Hating well treats all people as God’s image-bearers. He says repeatedly in His Word that He will avenge, He will make right, He will repay. Because He is without sin, He alone knows just how far to go for the sake of redemption. Our own “righteous anger” moves to sin so quickly because the subjective nature of the offense catapults us to hatred, and not in a good way.

Using the name of Jesus to justify mistreatment of image bearers – Instagram post – Kendra Leeanne Kuntz

I was reminded on a zoom call earlier this week that we are one body with many members – some of us are gifted by the Holy Spirit to speak out against evil, others of us are more the encouragers and mercy-givers, still others serve both the church and those experiencing hardship in the world, and still others point us to the Scripture to make sure we believe what God says and not just what we want to believe He says…

For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but think of yourself with sober judgment, according to the measure of faith God has give you. Just as each of us has one body with many members, and not all members have the same function, so in Christ we who are many are one body, and each member belongs to one another. – Romans 12:3-5

God calls us to love well (following the example of the Godhead) and to hate well…the same. Only He is the One without sin. He alone can move our hearts to love as He loves and hate as He hates.

Photo Credit: John Stott, Heartlight

Monday Moment Morning – How Can We Keep From Hating? – Deb Mills

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Worship Wednesday – Forgiveness and Unity – Refusing to Offend or Be Offended

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“Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.” – Jesus – Matthew 6:12

“And then many will be offended, will betray one another, and will hate one another. Then many false prophets will rise up and deceive many. And because lawlessness will abound, the love of many will grow cold. But he who endures to the end shall be saved.” – Jesus – Matthew 24:10-13

Throughout Scripture, we are taught to forgive. How can we withhold forgiveness when Christ forgives us? How can we justify our own sin because we are offended by the sin of another? In Matthew 24 above, Jesus is teaching about the end times. We must be vigilant in how we live our lives because of 1) the temptation to pull away from the teachings of Christ and 2) the hold of entitlement and the sin of offense.

The three books above all speak to these matters. With a common theme.

The Bait of Satan: Living Free From the Deadly Trap of Offense – John Bevere

Until Unity – Francis Chan

Forgiving What You Can’t Forget – Lysa Terkeurst

All speak of the deadening outcome of unforgiveness and its eroding impact on our hearts and relationships…with God and each other.

I wrote about offense another time. Please revisit it here. You may be surprised at the destructive nature of offense – offending and allowing ourselves to be offended.

Monday Morning Moment – Offense, Being Offended, and taking Up Offense – Deb Mills

Worship with me to Matthew West’s Forgiveness [Lyrics in the link].

Heavenly Father, thank You for this pattern of prayer that Jesus taught. Give me a gentle spirit and help me to be quick to forgive all those who have hurt or abused me… knowing that for Christ’s sake I have been forgiven of so much. I pray that I may maintain close fellowship with You, and be swift to forgive those who sin against me – in Jesus name, AMEN.” – Daily Verse

I’m going to close here. This topic on a Worship Wednesday is one that should draw us to prayer…and maybe repentance. We can’t always find ourselves in “righteous” indignation…when we look to the Cross. Are forgiveness and refusing to be offended hard? Yes, but we have the power of the Spirit of God indwelling us and making it possible, with willing hearts. Our families, churches, and communities have been too long divided. Jesus deserves better.

Photo Credit: Scott Sauls, Twitter

Scott Sauls’ Quotes and Sayings

Worship Wednesday – The Forgiven Forgive – David Crowder & Matthew West – Deb Mills

Worship Wednesday – Until Unity – with Francis Chan – Deb Mills

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Monday Morning Moment – Offense, Being Offended, and Taking Up Offense

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Photo Credit: Quote Fancy, Bryant Mcgill

Processing thoughts on the difficult subject of offending and being offended, a song drifts into my hearing. Dave is riding his bike (on a trainer) to a playlist that matches his ride (slow/fast/slow). This particular song pounding into my head is rock band The Eagles‘ Get Over It. [Dave will also pull that song up on the occasion he recognizes he’s having a pity party.]

I’ve had some great friends in my life who have spoken reason to me in times when something said or done to me (or to someone I cared about) offended. “Get over it!” It was actually a helpful “slap” into reality for me. Reminds me of that old commercial, “Thanks! I needed that.”

The motivation for this piece is walking alongside people I love who have been deeply offended and don’t see a way to get past it. Offenses are hard, especially if they seem intentional.

We still have a choice. We can choose not to be offended…whether it felt the seeming offense was directed toward us or we are tempted to take up offense for another.

Author Desirée M. Mondesir writes a “slap to the face” piece on our culture’s move to looking for and taking up offense. It’s especially fascinating to me because she refers to a student revolt at Yale University. Having taught there years ago, I can see this gradual evolution from reason to riot. It’s a stunning change in society and we are none immune to it.

A Sign of the Last Days – Offense – Desirée M. Mondesir

Mondesir refers to this cultural shift as being a sign of end times.

“And then many will be offended, will betray one another, and will hate one another. Then many false prophets will rise up and deceive many. And because lawlessness will abound, the love of many will grow cold. But he who endures to the end shall be saved.” – Jesus – Matthew 24:10-13

Sure sounds like today’s culture, in the US anyway.

Writer and counselor John Bevere has written a fascinating book on offense entitled The Bait of Satan: Living Free From the Deadly Trap of Offense. The title put me off at first but in reading it, the whole issue of offense was highlighted as something that turns us inward and keeps us from healthy relationships with one another and with God. When you think about it, Eve, in the first pages of the Torah/Old Testament [Genesis 3:2-7], was the first of humankind to act in offense. In her conversation with the Serpent tempter, she reacted to the Serpent’s suggestion, questioning the instruction of God. To me, it demonstrates her taking offense that she would be drawn into Satan’s ruse. Even acting in rebellion, presuming God didn’t mean good toward her. She decided for herself to eat from the tree (the one tree God had forbidden), and the consequences of her choosing continue to today.

What could Eve have done differently? She could have trusted God’s heart toward her. If she fell into doubt (through Satan’s cunning argument), she could have sought out the Creator first before she acted on a lie.

When Eve acted in this way, and took the bait, we can see how we, too, can be drawn in – becoming disoriented by someone’s words or deeds, and forgetting what is really the truth of the matter. Our emotions fly away with us, and we bind ourselves in the chains of offense.

Joe Levi puts it this way:

“Someone else cannot “offend” you – however, you can choose whether or not to take offense at something someone says or does.

Someone else cannot make you mad, happy, sad, or offended – you, and you alone can control how you react to the world around you.

Learn and apply that one relatively simple lesson, and you’ll be much happier in life.”

We may not be able to choose our immediate emotion over a word or action perceived as against us, but we can develop a habit or discipline to determine NOT to take offense.

I watched the Democratic National Convention last week, and this week I’m watching the Republican National Convention. The news media is having a hey-day with sound-bytes and interviews hand-picked to incite offense.

We can choose not to take the bait.

As for personal situations, people who offend do not always mean to offend. [I don’t say this lightly. Of course, there are those who do. I also am not talking about abuse here. That is a whole other topic, but the principles still apply.] No one knows truly what’s inside us that gives us struggle, not even ourselves. Like the Mcgill quote states, it’s only in our response that we discover the which that is still unresolved. Reacting in self-defense or in counter-attack mode brings more hurt. “Hurt people hurt people.” With practice, I can determine not to carry hurt away from a conversation or interaction.

In situations between two people, we can choose not to be offended, but how do we deal with the offense?

Advisor Charles H. Green describes the offender and the offended. He gives excellent counsel in his article Being Offensive vs. Being Offended – and Trust:

  • The offender communicates disrespect. A social violation occurs. Two people are involved and the resolution of that interaction requires input from both of them. When the one offended determines to engage in good faith, trying to seek understanding and rebuild trust, s/he may actually discover the intent of the offending person. A misunderstanding or an action following a perceived threat on the part of the offender may be the issue rather than an intent to hurt.
  • On the side of the one offended, this is not a social situation. It is deeply personal. Only the one offended knows the extent of the offending words/actions. For this reason, the offended person can refuse to think ill of the offender…and not take offense. Then take steps toward reconciliation or, if that’s not possible, make a personal decision not to be hurt by that person. This is not easy…especially at first in training one’s responses.
  • “The answer is a little paradoxical: We should strive not to offend or disrespect others. At the same time, we should also strive to not feel offended, or disrespected, for long. In other words, we should strive to be kind socially, and to feel free psychologically.”
  • Forgiveness opens the door wide to reconciliation. Forgiveness can defuse the hurt. Boundaries may come into play, but if the boundaries are built out of fear, dread, anger, or hatred, we are still not free from offense.

Thoughts?

Being Offensive vs. Being Offended – and Trust – Charles H. Green

What Is the Difference of Being Offended and Harmed? – Robert Enright

Stop Being Offended Today: 3 Cures for Everything That Irritates You – Bill Apablasa

Forgiving in Two Dimensions – Peace Pursuit