Tag Archives: privilege

Monday Morning Moment – the Culture of Contempt and How to Change It…or At Least Yourself Within It

Photo Credit: Paul Ekman Group

Today is Martin Luther King Day. It’s also my birthday, but that’s not today’s subject. In Richmond, Virginia, today a gun rights rally is scheduled because of new gun control laws slated to be passed in our state. Thousands are expected to attend. Some argue that having such a rally on Martin Luther King Day is morally wrong. The political divide on the issue of guns in our country is as wide as it’s ever been.

Later today, Dave and I will see the film Just Mercy, based on Bryan Stevenson‘s book of the same title.  The film tells the story of one of the cases attorney Stevenson fought and won for the release of an innocent man from death row. It speaks to the hatred and contempt found in culture, along racial lines, but also along the lines of class, authority, and privilege.

Our country…America…”one nation under God” a phrase still in our pledge (for now)…is woefully divided. With our presidential election looming later this year, we are sturdying ourselves to withstand the character assassinations of one political party for the other…Either trying to determine truth from falsehood and where we can stand. No matter what side politically we lean, we find it awkward and uncomfortable because of the behavior of those on our side and their contempt for the other.

“Contempt is the deadliest form of relationship cancer. So says John Gottman…[he] defines contempt as trying to speak from a higher level while attempting to push another down to a lower level. Contempt – closely related to disgust – is all about hierarchy and wielding elitist power to hatefully exclude another from the community.”Robert E. Hall

Is there any way forward in this culture of contempt? I believe there is. In fact, many are writing and speaking from their different platforms on how that might look…and how we might engage with one another.

Author and social scientist Arthur C. Brooks is one of the voices in this crucial conversation. His book Love Your Enemies speaks to a way we can counter contempt in our own character and culture. 

“We don’t have an anger problem in American politics. We have a contempt problem. . . . If you listen to how people talk to each other in political life today, you notice it is with pure contempt. When somebody around you treats you with contempt, you never quite forget it. So if we want to solve the problem of polarization today, we have to solve the contempt problem.” – Arthur Brooks, Love Your Enemies

I experience contempt – not personally as much as from the social media broadcasting again “people like me”. If people who would have contempt for people “like me” really knew how deeply I feel about some of today’s issues, the contempt register would get personal.

From reading, listening to others, and trying to understand how to even be a healthy, engaged part of our culture…these 5 actions items are what I subscribe to:

1) Determine to stay engaged with those “on the other side”. Now I understand how we come to the point of needing to block others’ opinions in our lives (social media or social distancing in real life). However, I don’t think that gets us anywhere positive. [This is not to say a person must stay in an abusive relationship. Exit for safety’s sake, but bear in mind, healing requires more than exiting.] Exiting relationships out of contempt means the opportunity to move forward is gone…with that person and future “like” persons. We are practicing an exit clause that can become habitual across wider life experience. Arthur Brooks has much to say on this. Simply, “Just because you disagree with something doesn’t mean it’s hate speech or the person saying it is a deviant.” 

2) Listen.Listening Is an Act of Love. Too often we listen to respond, right? What if we listened just to know the other person? Just to show love and to communicate, “You are being heard. You are seen. You have value.” StoryCorps is even launching a venture giving opportunity for people who have polarized views and relationships to sit face-to-face and explore their differences and what they are about. Check out One Small Step.

3) Love your enemies. Jesus spoke these words to those who would follow him. Evangelicals have gotten a bad rap in our country these days, and maybe some of it is deserved… but if they are true followers of Jesus, they are not your enemy. A bold statement, but true if Jesus’ teaching is paramount to their lives. As for those politically polarized from each other…the far right and the far left… what if we truly tried to love them, to show them respect, to not make sweeping judgments on who they are as people? What if…

4) Pray. A huge way to deal with contempt is to pray for the individual (or group) for whom you feel it. Not to pray that she/he/they fail, but to pray for wisdom, to pray for excellent counsel in their lives, to pray for understanding. Prayer, in the very act of doing it, can change our hearts toward other people. Talking, talking, talking about people for whom we battle contempt…with those who feel the same as we do just fuels our contempt. Unless we are committed to pray and have our understanding of them seasoned with the love of God. Our stand on issues aren’t the issue. It’s our opinion of other people, not the issues, that can change our culture.

5) Take action with hope and good faith. Lean in. Forgive…every single time. [Not easy, nor will it be for someone who questions my heart or take on things.] Work toward listening opportunities with those we may oppose or who oppose us. Find ways in our workplaces, churches/etc, communities to join with others, maybe not like us, to learn, grow, gain understanding, in hopes of making substantive change for our world.

“Push opportunity to the people who need it the most.”Arthur Brooks

Even as I write this, there’s this creeping sense that those reading might think “She has really lost it now”. The thing is, I have always believed that “together we can make things better”. Nothing original here. This cultural calamity of contempt has gotten so big that even people I might not align with agree something has to change…and I am with them.

Sick and Tired of the Culture of Contempt? Here Are 5 Ways You Can Subvert It – Arthur Brooks

Take One Small Step with StoryCorps

What Is Contempt? – Paul Ekman Group

Saving America From Our Culture of Contempt – Arthur Brooks Lecture, UVA – Miller Center (Video)

The Pursuit – A Better World For All Starting at the Margins – Arthur Brooks Documentary

YouTube – Arthur Brooks on the Eric Metaxas Show

To Change Our ‘Culture of Contempt’, Arthur Brooks Suggests All of Us  ‘Love Your Enemies – Helen Raleigh

How You Can Subvert Our Pervasive Culture of Contempt – Leroy Seat

5 Friday Faves – Married Life on Guitar, Anxiety in Children, Refugees, the Day of the Girl, and Life Without Sugar

Here you go and Happy Weekend!

1) Married Life on Guitar – Pixar’s 2009 animated film Up captivated all of us with its love story combined with buddy adventure. The tenderness of the story is accentuated by the music score composed by Michael Giacchino. “Married Life” is the musical theme of the movie and appropriate to the story – both joyful and sad. Just so lovely. Nathan Mills‘ arrangement and performance are spot on. All the feels, Beyond the Guitar. Thanks!

2) Anxiety in Children – By the nature of their development, children are smaller than adults. They should not be made to feel small by our interactions with them. Author W. R. Cummings has written extensively on childhood behavioral concerns. her piece on childhood anxiety hit me hard regarding the role of adults as negatively or positively influential in this struggle.

When You Make a Child Feel Anxious You Steal Their Ability to Think Rationally – Whitney Cummings

Photo Credit: Kinderling Kids

“We mean well, but we focus more on immediate change than we do on long-term success. Instead of teaching kids skills to make independent choices, we teach them how to obey our demands… When the change agent for a child’s behavior is fear of how they’ll be treated by a trusted adult if they don’t behave, the only thing we’ve taught them to do is how they behave around US. We haven’t given them any real tools on what to do around other adults, and we haven’t taught them a thing about intrinsic motivation. We haven’t taught them to be honest or kind or self-confident… We don’t need to lecture kids until they feel small. We don’t need to set them up for failure by asking them questions they don’t know the answer to. We don’t need to point out their poor choices in front of other people. We don’t need to use a voice tone we’d be ashamed to use in front of other adults. We don’t need to yell, scream, push, move, or punish kids.” – W. R. Cummings

We don’t really want to guilt or shame our children…or make them feel afraid…or small. In choosing the above quotes, neither do I want to guilt or shame parents. Parenting is hard sometimes. Cummings’ short piece goes on to encourage a different direction to take in parenting our children well. Take the time to read this and think about another way to correct or guide children. Sometimes it takes such a little detour – a small course change for us to become more loving, effective parents. If you are affirmed in your parenting by reading her blog, bravo!

3) Refugees – I am for refugee resettlement in the US. Here’s why:

It is a right thing…and we should make possible a viable and vetted path toward residence/citizenship. Slowing down the process will not serve well.

We are a wealthy nation, compared to most in the world. We have a system of vetting and receiving that works. Changes need to be made, for sure. Decreasing the numbers of refugees we receive will not improve our immigration system; it will only become more sluggish. We have a non-governmental organizations who team with our government agencies to effectively resettle refugees. When we drop numbers of refugees we receive, those non-profit agencies will not be able to maintain their infrastructure. Some will have to close. The resettlement of refugees is not the problem in the US. The problem seems to rest in the immigration system itself and the handling of those who try to go around our broken system in their desperation to enter and stay in the US.

I don’t have the answers necessarily, but I’m certain there are solutions more creative and constructive than just dropping the numbers of refugees we receive in the US.

In 1903, a plague was mounted on the Statue of Liberty. The script on the plaque is the poem The New Colossus by Emma Lazarus. See the poem below.Photo Credit: Democratic Underground

Much has changed in the world in these over 100 years since that poem was posted to the podium of the Statue of Liberty. What has not changed is moral responsibility, human decency, and the call of God to care for those in difficult straits. We can’t turn our eyes away and pretend not to see. Decreasing numbers of refugees will only make it harder for those driven from their own homeland to find a home anywhere in the world. We want to do better than that…to be better than that.

Thoughts?

Evangelical Advocates Feel the Sting of More Trump Refugee Cuts – Kate Shellnutt

Don’t Underestimate the Impact of Lowering the US Refugee Ceiling – Matthew Soerens

4) The Day of the Girl – Today is the International Day of the Girl Child. We don’t have to look very far in the news to see that being a girl in many countries of the world is not a positive thing…in fact, it can be a deadly thing.

Photo Credit: Jagran Josh

Photo Credit: Jena Powell, Facebook

We in the States often hear the lament of women in the workplace and the impenetrability of “the glass ceiling” for most. For too many in the larger world, even the opportunity for education and work she chooses is entirely too out of reach.

What can we do about it? The link below offers options for all of us, no matter our nationality or political ideology.

10 Ways to Actually Help Girls on International Day of the Girl – Melissa Locker

5) Life Without Sugar – Every January, I try to eliminate sugar from my diet for a month at least. Well, added sugar anyway. It is more challenging than you might think, but the article below by Lisa Drayer helps each time.

One-month Sugar Detox: a Nutritionist Explains How and WhyLisa Drayer

This past January, I didn’t do a sugar detox and have suffered for it with reckless eating and weight gain. My resolve is building and hopefully curbing carbs in earnest is just on the horizon.

Writer, biologist Olivia Judson tells a fascinating story about her own reasoning about and journey into a life without sugar. Really good read.

I hope never to become my own or someone else’s sugar police. Holidays and special occasions carry their own sweet indulgences. The key here is the word “indulgence”. Sugar has a long dark history including slavery. The impact of sugar on our health is huge, especially regarding long-term chronic illnesses.Photo Credit: Smithsonian Magazine

We all know this and a no-sugar lifestyle is probably impractical. However, a low-sugar lifestyle is doable. Helping our children to avoid a sugar addiction from an early age will give them a headstart on a healthier, longer, and stronger life.

20 No-added Sugar Snacks for Kids – Katie Serbinski – Mom to Mom Nutrition

Photo Credit: Mom to Mom Nutrition

America’s National Institute of Nutrition and the Barbaric History of Sugar – Aarn Farmer

Bonuses:

The Neighbor’s Table – Inside a Father-Daughter Business – Bringing Neighbors Together

De-Converting, and the One Remaining Question

These Bear Cubs Were Done For, and Then Some Fishermen Intervened

The Six Cents Report – Black Privilege

The Six Cents Report – Black Forgiveness

The Addicted Brain – Amazon Prime

The Mind, Explained – Netflix

Don’t Blame Incivility on Religion. Christian Principles Are an Antidote to Nastiness – Daniel Darling

5 Friday Faves – Game of Thrones on Guitar, Right Frame of Mind, Legacy Beyond Career, Privilege, and a Stack of Books

It’s Monday. A smoldering week-long cold zapped my usual strength. This was topped off happily by a healing family weekend at the beach…and Friday turned into Monday. You will find these favorites of the week worth the wait. They sure brightened my week.

1) Game of Thrones on Guitar – Full disclosure: I have never watched Game of Thrones. The glimpses I’ve seen on YouTube are stunning but the Medieval violence (both weaponized and sexual) are halting for me. The music, however, is gorgeous…which I can enjoy without watching the popular series. On the eve of the start of Season 8 (and the final season reportedly), Nathan Mills, of Beyond the Guitar, has released his arrangement of the Game of Thrones theme (“Light of the Seven”). Watch and enjoy here.

YouTube Video – Game of ThronesLight of the Seven Classical Guitar Cover – Beyond the Guitar

2) Right Frame of Mind– Author Frank Sonnenberg writes to encourage people that how we think frames our relationships and our work. When we struggle with negative thought patterns, they ooze out through facial expressions, tone of voice, focus, quality of work, and health of relationships. Even when we feel justified, we are the ones hurt by negative thinking. Turn it around. His graphic below is a good place to start.Photo Credit: Frank Sonnenberg Online

Soul Food: Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life – Frank Sonnenberg

3) Legacy Beyond Career – Basketball. This week marked the final game of the NCAA Basketball Tournament. Between college and professional basketball, there’s a lot to watch on TV…including great commercials.

[Sidebar: I have to insert here that although I played basketball in high school and watched the Atlanta Hawks while living there), I don’t watch basketball so much anymore. Dave and I did walk over, on a snowy evening in New Haven, to see a Yale/Cornell game, way back when. It was our first date.]

During the final game of the NCAA tournament, we watched University of Virginia finally defeat another great team (from Texas Tech). It was exciting!

One commercial that evening really touched me. It was actually a beer commercial but that message was subtle. The real star of the commercial was Miami Heat’s Dwyane Wade who just retired this past week from professional basketball. He’s a great ballplayer but his legacy goes far beyond his basketball career: Take a look:

Tearjerker Alert: NBA Legend Dwyane Wade Is Honored for His Off-the-Court Activism

4) Privilege – Again, maybe because it is the height of basketball season, I came across an insightful essay on white privilege by professional basketball player Kyle Korver.

NBA Star Kyle Korver Has Written a Powerful Essay About White Privilege

Privileged – Kyle Korver

Photo Credit: The Players’ Tribune

Racism and the NBA – The Players’ Tribune [Watch the video]

Growing up, I had determined to be color-blind myself, but it was naive and hurtful, on my part. To be honest, white privilege is a phenomenon I’m just coming to terms with… Kyle Korver’s essay, from the standpoint of a white person looking at privilege from a close and intimate vantage point, is a good place to start.

5) A Stack of Books – Kindergarten registration was this week around here. It dawned on me that in one year, my wee oldest granddaughter will be the age to register. Yipes!

She loves to “read” already, having the daily experience of books read to her by mommy, daddy, and whoever else will open one with her.

Thought leader Russell Moore is someone I follow who reads voraciously. When he posted his latest stack of books, it revealed a book I’m reading right now as well: Justin Whitmel Earley’s The Common Rule: Habits of Purpose for an Age of Distraction.Photo Credit: Russell Moore, Twitter

After seeing his stack, I pulled together (from various parts of our house) the books I’m currently reading.

How about you? I would love for you to post (in the Comments below) a picture of your current stack of books.

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I would say something about having a great weekend, but now it’s Monday. Let’s get to it! Blessings always and thanks for reading.

Bonuses:

[One of our azalea bushes and the first butterfly of Spring]

How to Downsize Your Home (Free Checklist)

What Is a Kind Husband? Five Characteristics of True Kindness – Douglas Wilson

Photo Credit: Brené Brown, Facebook

List of All Suicide Helplines Worldwide

The Lessons of an Innercity Hospital – God Loves Us All the Same

Blog - Grady Hospital - by unclepockets - Flickr Grady. wikimedia.orgPhoto Credit: UnclePockets, Flikr: Grady, Wikimedia.org

For seven years, I worked in Atlanta’s Grady Memorial Hospital. At that time, it was THE hospital (rather than the “main hospital” of the Grady Health System) with 18 floors and 1100 beds. Grady is a “safety net” hospital, extending care to the urban poor. It’s also a Level 1 trauma center. Situated in downtown Atlanta, perched alongside major interstate highways (I-85/75 and I-20), Grady echoes with sirens sounding constantly, signaling the arrival of victims of strokes, gunshot wounds or high-speed auto accidents.

Way above the crazy chaos of the trauma center, my job took me into the relative quiet of the 10th floor oncology service. 10B was my unit, serving cancer patients in treatment or in the days of dying when treatment failed. I was the oncology clinical nurse specialist, responsible for training and assistive to nurse, patient, and family support. Many days, it was the extra set of hands that was needed the most.

What happened in that space of seven years, early in my career, taught me deep lessons about life and caring.

I came to Grady after finishing graduate school at Emory University…too young and inexperienced really for the job and the confidence given me. Mary Woody, the director of nursing at that time, gave me wise counsel. “Whatever is done for the patient, be it housekeeping or medical treatment, learn as much as you can about its delivery, and do whatever you can to serve at all those levels.”

I listened and did my best to follow her counsel.

Almost all my colleagues and our patients were African-American and urban. I was not, having grown up in a small town outside the city, in a school system only integrated while I was in high school. In the quiet moments on the unit (few but treasured), I would listen to stories unlike anything I’d ever experienced. Especially from the older ones. Stories of years living in segregation (Grady was actually built as a segregated hospital with wings opposite each other for the care of blacks and whites). Stories of years after, living in forced integration.

One day I want to write some of those stories. Having grown up in a home where my mom taught us to love without distinctions for differences, I had actually missed seeing what it must have been like for those who lived every day marked somehow by the color of their skin.

Again, I was very young during those years at Grady and drank in the stories…marveling at the courage and resilience of both my older colleagues and our patients and families. Taken aback at times, to be honest, by the clear declarations of my “shared responsibility”, being white, of past atrocities they had experienced. If I could have asked forgiveness for all of that, I would have. Instead, “I’m sorry” seemed so inadequate.

Debbie & Grady nurse buddy

There were many lessons for me in those years. Here’s the story I wanted to share today:

It was the end of my work day…as I walked off the unit, thoughts of beloved patients who might not make it to tomorrow clouded my mind. At the bank of elevators, I punched the down button. Finally, the doors of one opened, and it was packed. Often, because of how full and slow Grady’s elevators were, people would go up to come down.

Maybe in deference to my being in nurse’s uniform, or just out of the kindness of strangers, there was a push backward and a space was made for me. I gratefully filled that space. Then the other elevator occupants relaxed and squeezed me in their embrace as the door closed.

At the end of the day, everybody just wanted to get home. That tight fit continued all those floors down to ground. Me and my white uniform – all that whiteness enveloped by so many tired, black family members. Tired like me or more so. The smell of sweat and potato chips, and the heat of so many bodies, caused me to withdraw back into my own small thoughts.

As if in audible voice, God broke through that noise in my head with: “I love you all the same.” All of us, in that elevator – the poor and the privileged. We are important to Him. It is so easy to fall into our own swollen self-importance – whether it relates to position or education or any other state of being we take comfort in…or through which we isolate ourselves.

God’s heart toward us and ours toward each other – that is transforming. That can be world-changing.

Until that moment, I had felt no compassion for those surrounding me in that small space. We were squashed together never to probably see each other again once we reached street level. Yet, in that moment, at the beckoning of God to take notice, I remembered that we all matter to Him. Whatever was going on in each of our lives – bone-weariness or deep sorrow or great anticipation at good news – we mattered to Him.

God calls us to enter into the generous love He has for us and for our neighbor.

If my companions in that elevator knew my thoughts that moment, they might have pulled back a bit from me. I just wanted to turn around and take in all those faces – to bask in the radiance of His love for each one. At that moment, I wanted to rejoice with those rejoicing and weep with those who would weep beyond that elevator. I was low and brought up by their small kindness and I wanted to somehow do the same.

Was there a glow in that tiny room of strangers? There was for me.

Of course, I didn’t strike up friendships with those who nudged out after me on the ground floor at the last opening of that elevator door. We all walked out into the Georgia late afternoon sun, all together, and then peeled off to different destinations. I went on to my car in the employee parking lot – another privilege of mine, among so many.

That day, my heart opened wider to where I might fit in the Kingdom of God, and what His purposes were for us – to love Him and to love others as He sees them and loves them. The patients, families, and colleagues I loved already…and the strangers along the way.

Seeing the people, He [Jesus] felt compassion for them, because they were distressed and dispirited like sheep without a shepherd. Then He said to His disciples, “The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. “Therefore beseech the Lord of the harvest to send out workers into His harvest.”Matthew 9:36-38

YouTube Video – Grady Memorial Audio Slideshow

Love is the Final Fight – an Ode to John M. Perkins

Baptist Global Response

Love Your Neighbor as Yourself – Part 1 – John Piper

Love Your Neighbor as Yourself – Part 2 – John Piper