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The Story of Us – A Quick Bit about Marriage Through Its Difficult Seasons

July 2, 2015 admindeb 2 Comments

“Contempt is conceived with expectations. Respect is conceived with expressions of gratitude. We can choose which one we will obsess over—expectations, or thanksgivings.” – Gary Thomas*

“I wouldn’t be surprised if many marriages end in divorce largely because one or both partners are running from their own revealed weaknesses as much as they are running from something they can’t tolerate in their spouse.” – Gary Thomas*

The Story of Us (1999), a film, starring Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfeiffer, details a marriage gone flat. I wanted to see the film at the time but the R rating (for language and brief sexuality) deterred me. Just yesterday, I caught the last half-hour of it, and loved that bit. Not recommending the whole film necessarily (it got terrible reviews) but Michelle Pfeiffer’s monolog at the end is amazing.

To set the scene (if you didn’t see the movie either), Willis and Pfeiffer (actors I love) are Ben and Kate in a 15-year marriage. It has unwoven terribly over time. While their two children are away at summer camp, they decide to separate. Toward the end of the film, they are both rethinking their decision. As they pick up their children together, the emotional tension of that reunion is so touching. The monolog, in that last scene, is a great declaration of why not to destroy “the story of us”.

Before you watch (or read**) that scene, let me just say this about marriage and divorce…

My family history is riddled with divorce, and I was afraid of marriage because of all my biological family issues. Divorce happens, and honestly, there are situations when we can’t see any other way out, or through. Still, marriage, as we all at least say if not always believe, is worth the fight.

There are so many reasons to work through the dry and difficult seasons of marriage. Gary L. Thomas is a great teacher on this subject and I recommend all of his books on marriage. They are practical and empathetic and full of hope.

One thing I value is history in relationships. When we went through our hard seasons in marriage, I held on to three things: 1) wanting to honor God in my marriage; 2) never wanting the consequences of divorce (had experienced those as a child growing up in divorce); and 3) not wanting to lose our life together (“the story of us”).

We, my husband and I, are in a different place now, and I can say to any in fragile relationships right now, “Wait for it!” “Work for it!” Of course, it takes two. Pfeiffer’s monolog would have had a whole other feel if Willis didn’t respond, in the film, the way he did. In married life, it does take two, but God, in His mercy and love, adds great power and grace to the one willing. Hold on to that.

So here’s just a part of Pfeiffer’s monolog (women, especially, might enjoy reading this out loud, if you’re in a private place – so full of earnestness and vulnerability – just sayin’):

“We’re an “us”. There’s a history and histories don’t happen overnight. In Mesopotamia or Ancient Troy or somewhere back there, there were cities built on top of other cities, but I don’t want to build another city. I like this city…That’s a dance you perfect over time. And it’s hard, it’s much harder than I thought it would be, but there’s more good than bad. And you don’t just give up. And it’s not for the sake of the children, but they’re great kids aren’t they? And we made them – I mean think about that – there were no people there and then there were people – two of them. And they grew… Let’s face it, anybody is going to have traits that get on your nerves, why shouldn’t it be your annoying traits? I’m no day at the beach, but I do have a good sense of direction so at least I can find the beach, but that’s not a criticism of you, it’s just a strength of mine. And you’re a good friend and good friends are hard to find… I mean I guess what I’m trying to say is – I love you.”**

[I know this is just a movie and maybe not a great one – it just reminded me – the bit I saw, and the monolog – of possibilities and hope. For you who have been terribly hurt in marriages you saw no way to save, God knows…and wants to heal that place in your heart.]

*Gary L. Thomas Quotes at Goodreads

YouTube Video – The Story of Us – Ending – Michelle Pfeiffer’s Amazing Monolog

**One of the Best Monologs Ever

The Story of Us film

How The Story of Us Should Have Ended – just for fun – a variation but with the same conclusion

A Lifelong Love: How to Have Lasting Intimacy, Friendship, and Purpose in Your Marriage by Gary Thomas

A Lifelong Love Quotes

Gary Thomas Answers Your Marriage Questions

YouTube Video – The Story of Us – Taylor Swift – Great song – Disclaimer – NOT about marriage

Photo Credit: Wikipedia.com

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Do Over – Rescue Monday, Reinvent Your Work, and Never Get Stuck – by Jon Acuff – Notes (Part 1)

June 29, 2015 admindeb 5 Comments

Jon Acuff is a writer about stuff that matters to us – our jobs and careers. How we spend much of our waking life can make for a joyful, fulfilling journey. Or, on the flip side, it can be an excruciatingly dull and seemingly pointless work life with too little to show for it. What should give hope to any of us in that latter camp is that we can “do over” our work lives. Anyone can.

If you are the midst of a do over of your job or career, Jon Acuff is a guy who’s been there. In his book by the title Do Over, he gives great counsel about how to get started and how to persevere to the goal. He’s also funny, which helps a lot.

As hard as we work to excel on our jobs and to “make good” in our careers, we rarely have good mentoring in that. Jon is such a mentor. He’s fielded a few career ceilings, bumps, and jumps. With those, he’s also availed himself of career opportunities that we could experience as well…if we’re willing to do what’s necessary.

I’m reading Do Over right now, being in the midst of a career bump and jump myself. Then there are some younger people in my life, skilled and gifted, who are struggling also with next steps. If we attend to Jon’s wisdom on these pages, those next steps could get us where we hope to go.

In his book, Jon describes what he’s defined as a Career Savings Account (CSA). It consists of four resources that we bring to our career. They are relationships, skills, character and hustle.

Career Savings Acct . = Relationships + Skills + Character x Hustle*

“Relationships = Who you know. The gang you lock arms with during your career.

Skills = What you do. The tools you use to build your career.

Character = Who you are. The mortar that holds the entire CSA together.

Hustle = How you work. The fuel that pushes you to do the things other people don’t, so you can enjoy the results other people won’t.”*

We’ve all heard the expression, “It’s not what you know, but who you know.” This is partly true, but more true is investing all of who we are into our work – our skills, relationships, character, and hustle. What needs to happen in pursuing a career? A work we could love to do for life? It is in bringing to bear not just one, two, or three of these resources, but all four of them. This is the key, says Jon Acuff.

The book Do Over has several strong visuals, helpful for those of us who need to “see” concepts to understand them well. The chart below demonstrates the four resources we invest, and where they are most valuable depending on the career situation. Whether it was a voluntary jump to a different job or an involuntary firing or layoff, for example. Or whether the experience was negative or positive.

Acuff writes, “When you hit a ceiling it is your “skills” that will be the hammer that helps you break through. “Character” is the investment in the CSA that will most greatly impact your ability to have a successful Career Jump. [With career opportunities], “hustle” is the investment that will help you make the most of these unexpected moments. [With Career Bumps], “relationships” are critical because community is what will carry us through challenges like this.”

However, don’t forget, whatever your situation, maximizing all four resources could mean the difference in that opportunity coming your way…or to someone else.

Warning: Two Things Could Ruin Your Career Do Over – Fear and Complacency. Acuff describes these as tag-team partners in a wrestling match. When you have reasoned with yourself well enough that fear backs off, then complacency can set in on you. Either of these could sideline you in a situation that drains the life out of you but you don’t think you can do anything to change it. The truth is, you always can.

“Great lives are very rarely created in great comfort” (Jon Acuff). You may battle complacency every day and fear every night. Still, you can do what it takes to position yourself for the lifework of your dreams. We believed it as children, and we can recapture that zeal as adults, if we’re willing.

Jon Acuff has given me greater hope…and I’ve only finished page 23 of the book! If you know you need a change in your work life, get a copy of this book. If you financially or emotionally are not in a place where you can or are willing, take advantage of what I’m learning.

Build your career savings account as Jon has already encouraged. He also lists two things you can do immediately, to start turning things around at work.

“If you want to have a better job right this second, that’s possible. All you have to do is choose your attitude and adjust your expectations.”

Acuff makes the distinction of choosing your attitude rather than changing it. On the job today, you can choose to have a decent attitude. You can choose to not be smug or cynical. You can choose not to complain. You can choose to treat your coworkers, boss, and customers like they’re rock stars. Your attitude is up to you. All through the day, you choose how you act and react. You don’t necessarily go with your feelings or what you think they deserve. You determine to treat people in good faith. That choosing has huge dividends in your current work situation and building toward the next.

Secondly, Acuff says to adjust your expectations. “What are you expecting your job to do for you? Take three minutes and write down what your expectations are for work. And then, take another three minutes and write down the real ones because you probably just lied to yourself a little bit…write them down and then find the right home for them [either at work, at home, in a hobby, or other investment of your time/energy].”

So that’s what I’ve learned so far. In weeks ahead I’ll put up another set of notes or so. Jon goes into depth, through his book, in each of the investments (relationships, skills, character, and hustle). I’ve looked ahead and have my index cards already for his next assignment. Hope you learn along with me…and go for it!

Don’t give up. Our lives are so short. Be about what you were put on this Earth for…we need you, right where you’re supposed to be.

Jon Acuff

Photo Credit: ChurchLeaders.com

*Start Your DO OVER today! with Jon Acuff

How to Do a Do Over – Interview with Jon Acuff by Jeff Goins

Why Jon Acuff’s Do Over is for Everyone

Jon Acuff – The Waiter’s Pad – Unofficial Notes from the James Altucher Podcast

Why Everyone Needs a Do Over – Q & A with Jon Acuff

Never Too Late – My Musical Life Story by John Holt

All Good Gifts, Bookmarked Summer, Books, Family, Friends, God, Grace, Inspired, Jesus, Lessons Learned, Mom and Dad, Mothers, Redeeming & Restoring, Remembering, Walk with God, Workplace or Marketplace

Balcony People – The Encouragers in Our Lives – You Know Who You Are – and We’re Grateful

June 25, 2015 admindeb 14 Comments

Better Together, George Washington Academy, Casablanca, Morocco

Encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing. – 1 Thessalonians 5:11

People who know me well know the struggle I have with insecurity and self-doubt. It doesn’t seem so but it’s true. I have been blessed with great encouragers in my life who have fanned the flame of vision and cheered me on when it was for me to do a hard thing. Those dear ones are what Joyce Landorf Heatherley calls “balcony people” – those encouragers who stand and cheer us on. We all have occasions to be so in each others’ lives. I love the opportunity myself, to be an encourager, having had it modeled so well for me.

I read this little (70-page) book years ago, but it still comes to mind often when people are kind enough to come alongside and encourage me to be that person for the job, or to do what’s needed whatever it is… It wasn’t because they couldn’t do it but for me to grow into a person of greater capacity. Or, just because I’m the one for the job. Imagine.

Encouragement isn’t just pat-you-on-the-back praise or superficial compliments. Jenn Arman defines it here: “Encouraging someone can mean you’re giving them support or confidence, but is also means that you’re helping to develop something in them. When the Bible talks about encouragement, it usually means that one is calling someone to their side in order to teach, comfort, strengthen or push them to act in a certain way. People who encourage others say with love what a person needs to hear, when they need to hear it–even if it isn’t what the person wants to hear.”

The greatest encourager in my long life has been Jesus. He was/is the consummate encourager. Even hours before He went to His death, He could have turned the attention of His disciples on Himself. Yet, that would not be the case. He had compassion on his disciples and taught and encouraged them even in those last hours:

[Jesus speaking] “I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In the world you have trouble and suffering; but have courage, I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33

There have been great numbers of encouragers along the way in my life, and I couldn’t begin to mention them all here…you know who you are. Through the photos below, I will mention some. Thank you all. Thank God for you.My life-long friend, Paulette, who stuck by me all these years and who was brave enough to say loving hard things to me when needed. She went to be with the Lord recently, and I miss her.

Kay – my friend and colleague at a time I was a new-in-town cancer nursing specialist. Trying to win the confidence of the staff of a cancer center, I leaned on Kay for counsel and kindness. She taught me a whole new understanding of the phrase, “Get over it!”

Kathy – my student, who would years later take my place at that same cancer center. I learned more from her than she ever did from me. She makes me proud and humbles me with her enduring friendship.Jan – who was my parenting mentor. She relentlessly spoke truth into my life, and I needed it. Our children still know (and now appreciate more) the rules of the house affected by Mrs. Jan.

Linda – whose friendship I’ve enjoyed for over 20 years and who taught me how to pray bigger than ever before.

Heba – a friend and daughter from another mother who makes me laugh every single time we talk. What a gift from God she is.

Blythe – a young friend who was a true balcony person in my life and has grown into this incredible woman, wife, mother. Kim – who was teacher and friend to our son and became a dear friend to me.

Marge – also a teacher to this son of mine and my friend in a hard season. We walked the streets of Cairo together. I learned from her.

Shana – who helped me in more ways than she knows, teaching me a lot about capacity…and joy in the simplest of things.

Nezha – who was my friend in a mid-life season – with such class and generosity of heart.

Lisa – this friend who taught me about forgiveness and perseverance – who also visited us in Africa multiple times – I see God much more clearer through her experience of Him.

Karen – my friend and colleague – whose wise counsel has encouraged me in these days…and she actually reads my blogs. ‘Nuff said.

There are as many encouragers as there are days…but I will stop here…with these. My Mom, my mom-in-law, and my daughter – all have believed in me and leaned into my life. You know what a great thing this is in your own life. These people who want to come close – for their sake and for yours. Struggling with fear as I do, these women have brought an uncommon grace into life for me.

Last, and never least, there’s this guy…I can’t say enough about how his love has altered the course of my life…for the better. “He put stamps in my passport.”…and helped me be a mom. Thank you, Dave.

Whether we care to admit it or not, we all need people who believe in us. Or believe God enough to see in us what He sees and what we can’t see ourselves. How empowering that is!!!

Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith…Hebrews 12:1-2a

Balcony People by Joyce Landorf Heatherley

Where Are All Your Balcony People?

Basement People vs. Balcony People

Balcony People – a Study in Philemon by James MacDonald

What Does Encouragement Really Mean?

Having Courage and Being an Encourager – from the Bible study series: Marks of Maturity – Biblical Characteristics of a Christian Leader

Babies & Children, Family, Fathers, Grace, Growing up, Holidays, Inspired, Lessons Learned, Mom and Dad, Parenting, Relationships, Seasons

Fathering – Celebrating Men Who Did It Well; Forgiving Men Who Didn’t

June 20, 2015 admindeb 4 Comments

Photo Credit: Calvin & Hobbs from the blog of Kenneth Reeds

“As to my children, you are now to be left fatherless, which I hope will be an inducement to you all to seek a Father who will never fail you.” – Jonathan Edwards, his last words to his children, as he lay dying

Fathering, like mothering, is not an easy job. So much dying to self. So much responsibility. What a delight for us when the men in our lives take fathering on their shoulders as they might a sleeping child. Surrendering themselves to the serving of those younger than them. I thank God for men who humble themselves in prayer for their children and who go to work every day to support their families. Working, studying, and life-long learning passed on to their children and others.

These dads are too-often taken for granted in the shadow of fathering that falls short. The absent, neglectful and downright abusive fathers cut wounds so deep that decent fathers are sometimes judged by the same measure. We watch for “the sins of the fathers to be revisited on their children” (Numbers 14:18).

Today, let’s reflect on the good fathers. Those who were present at our births, or those who came later in life to us, or those who father us out of their own great hearts. Imperfect, sure. All of us are. Yet, there are those men who go many more than second miles for us, and we are grateful.This dad who took his family to Cairo, Egypt. Our children have had such rich lives as they saw their dad work and relate way out of his comfort zone. What great memories and relationships we have because of his willingness to take us on such a journey.

“My father was a farmer upon the Carrick border, O,
And carefully he bred me in decency and order, O;
He bade me act a manly part, though I had ne’er a farthing, O;
For without an honest manly heart, no man was worth regarding, O.”

– Robert Burns, ‘My Father Was a Farmer: A Ballad’*

My Dad. Not my biological father (who I talk about here) but the only dad I’ve ever known. So thankful for him…and his love…and joy in life (even in this season of Alzheimer’s).

“Sundays too my father got up early and put his clothes on in the blueblack cold, then with cracked hands that ached from labor in the weekday weather made banked fires blaze. No one ever thanked him. I’d wake and hear the cold splintering, breaking. When the rooms were warm, he’d call, and slowly I would rise and dress, fearing the chronic angers of that house, Speaking indifferently to him, who had driven out the cold and polished my good shoes as well. What did I know, what did I know of love’s austere and lonely offices?” – Robert Hayden, ‘Those Winter Sundays’*

My sweet dad- and mom-in-love. What an amazing thing to enjoy the love of people who didn’t have to love me, just because their son did. I thank God for this dad and this mom who opened their hearts to receive a daughter, as if I was born to them.

Those fathers who treat us as sons and daughters – gracious, generous, affirming, empowering. Fathers (and mothers, these Godly wives) whose faces reflect the face of God to us.

Grateful for these fathers…and others like them. Young and old. Fathers who give us a glimpse of the Father of all creation, who loves us…and sees us…and waits for us…and knows us by name.**

Hoping you have fathers to reflect on joyfully today…if not so much, hoping you can take joy and comfort in the Father who loves you perfectly.

Photo Credit: B. C. Comics

*Father’s Day Poems: E.E. Cummings, Rita Dove, Seamus Heaney And More

The Father I Never Knew – on Father’s Day – from archives of debmillswriter.com

All the Desiring God resources to date on being a Husband and Father – great list of articles

20 Quotes from the book Father Hunger by Douglas Wilson

**What to remember Every Father’s Day by Jennifer Dukes Lee

Father Models – 10 Roles Dads Play With Their Kids

Learning Fatherhood from the Father of Fatherhood

10 Reasons You Can’t Forgive Your Father This Father’s Day & One You Can – Leslie Leyland Fields

How to Have What All Our Hurting Hearts Want Most This Father’s Day – Ann Voskamp – A Holy Experience

Alzheimer's Disease, Bookmarked Summer, Books, Critical Thinking, Faithfulness, Film, Glory of God, God, Inspired, Lessons Learned, Lives Full of God, Sacrifice, Transformational

On the Passing of Elisabeth Elliot – Love is a Laid Down Life

June 16, 2015 admindeb 2 Comments

“Lord, I give up all my own plans and purposes, all my own desires and hopes, and accept Thy will for my life. I give myself, my life, my all utterly to Thee to be Thine forever, fill me and seal me with Thy Holy Spirit, use me as Thou wilt, send me where Thou wilt and work out Thy will in my life at any cost now and forever.”* – Betty Howard’s prayer which her daughter Elisabeth took as her own at the age of 12

To the right of my desk is a bookcase filled with some of my favorite books. These authors inspire me to live a very different life. Among them are Charles Spurgeon, John Piper, Tom Elliff, Bertha Smith, Patricia St. John, and Elisabeth Elliot.

Elisabeth Elliot has died. Rather, she has gloriously entered into the very presence of the God whom she loved and served faithfully all her life. I am so thankful to have lived in the generation of her writing. For over a decade she has quietly lived in the shadow of Alzheimer’s, yet her writing and speaking have continued to leave their mark on generations who desire to know God as she knew Him.

I was five years old when Jim Elliot was killed along the Curaray River, in Ecuador. He left a young widow, Elisabeth Elliot, and a tiny daughter named Valerie. Elisabeth began writing to preserve Jim’s diaries and his memory for Valerie to know her dad as she grew up. Fortunately for all the rest of us, Elisabeth kept writing.

Sometime in my early teens, I first became aware of Jim and Elisabeth Elliot. She published his journals in 1958 and I still have a copy of that first printing – Shadow of the Almighty – The Life and Testament of Jim Elliot. I devoured Jim’s writing of his complete devotion for God and his passion for others to know Him. Elisabeth’s own burning love for God drew Jim’s heart to hers. Their marriage would be brief, but what Elisabeth learned of God in that time set a course for her to touch lives beyond her imagining.

Elisabeth Elliot was a no-nonsense kind of woman. She was consummately honest and frank in dealing with God and the culture of our day. These days, there seems to be little tolerance for spiritualizing or moralizing. I wonder if those who pick up her books today, in the stir of publicity at her passing, will be refreshed or shocked at her writing. She wastes no words, cutting through to what it truly is to be a follower of Christ…not of someone we made up…but the One who laid down His life for us all…that One.

Her bluntness, her disciplines, and her love of God have many times, over the years, shaken me out of dullness and loss of resolve…for which I will always be thankful.

I’ve been encouraged by all the young men and women who have commented about Elisabeth Elliot on social media since she died. To put her on some sort of pedestal would be wrong; to say her life pointed us to God and to a life only possible walking with Him, would be more accurate and right.

If you don’t know Elisabeth Elliot’s writing/speaking, begin here with the quotes below. Don’t stop with them, though. The links will help you on a journey you will never regret.

“He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose.” Jim Elliot, missionary to Auca indians in Ecuador”
― Elisabeth Elliot, The Journals of Jim Elliot

“Faith does not eliminate questions. But faith knows where to take them.” ― Elisabeth Elliot, A Chance to Die: The Life and Legacy of Amy Carmichael

“Stand true to your calling to be a man. Real women will always be relieved and grateful when men are willing to be men”
― Elisabeth Elliot, The Mark of a Man

“The life of faith is lived one day at a time, and it has to be lived – not always looked forward to as though the “real” living were around the next corner. It is today for which we are responsible. God still owns tomorrow.” ― Elisabeth Elliot, Let Me Be a Woman

“One reason we are so harried and hurried is that we make yesterday and tomorrow our business, when all that legitimately concerns us is today. If we really have too much to do, there are some items on the agenda which God did not put there. Let us submit the list to Him and ask Him to indicate which items we must delete. There is always time to do the will of God. If we are too busy to do that, we are too busy.”
― Elisabeth Elliot, Secure in the Everlasting Arms

“Think of the self that God has given as an acorn. It is a marvelous little thing, a perfect shape, perfectly designed for its purpose, perfectly functional. Think of the grand glory of an oak tree. God’s intention when He made the acorn was the oak tree. His intention for us is ‘… the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ.’ Many deaths must go into our reaching that measure, many letting-goes. When you look at the oak tree, you don’t feel that the loss’ of the acorn is a very great loss. The more you perceive God’s purpose in your life, the less terrible the losses seem.” ― Elisabeth Elliot

Perhaps some future day, Lord,
Thy strong hand will lead me to the place
Where I must stand utterly alone;
Alone, Oh gracious Lover, but for Thee.

I shall be satisfied if I can see Jesus only.
I do not know Thy plan for years to come.
My spirit finds in Thee its perfect home: sufficiency.
Lord, all my desire is before Thee now.
Lead on no matter where, no matter how,
I trust in Thee. – by Elisabeth Elliot, in her college years**

“You are loved with an everlasting love. And underneath are the everlasting arms.” – Thank you, Elisabeth Elliot. You’ve made it Home.

Thank you, Lars Gren, for loving and caring for this wife of yours. What a journey you two must have had together.

*Elisabeth Elliot 1926 – [a fast read on Elisabeth’s life by Adsideo Church]

**Elisabeth Elliot – 1926-2015 – a tribute by Justin Taylor, Gospel Coalition

Peaches in Paradise – Why I Loved Elisabeth Elliot by John Piper

Goodreads.com – 164 Quotes of Elisabeth Elliot

Marriage: A Revolution & A Revelation – A Supreme Earthly Test of Discipleship (a manuscript draft by Elisabeth Elliot)

On the Subject of Forgiveness – Leaving Self Behind – Elisabeth Elliot

How to Simplify Your Life – an article by Elisabeth Elliot

30 Years Married – a Walk with God as Much as With Each Other – from the archives, on the impact of Elisabeth Elliot’s counsel on living life married

The Journals of Jim Elliot compiled by Elisabeth Elliot

End of the Spear – a biopic on the lives of Elisabeth & Jim Elliot among the Auca people of Ecuador

Photo Credits: Image of Elisabeth Elliot from elisabethelliot.org

Alzheimer's Disease, Attending or Focus, Family, Friends, Grace, Lessons Learned, Marginalized People, Memories, Monday Morning Moment, Remembering, Stories

“I’m the Boss” – Dad and Alzheimer’s – A Strange Companionship

June 15, 2015 admindeb Leave a comment

After I punched in the security code (to keep residents in rather than us out), the heavy door released its lock allowing entrance to the memory care unit, First thing, I could hear Dad before even seeing him. He was sitting on the sofa, holding the toy he loves most – a dinosaur given to him by his daughter-in-law. [He thinks it’s a kangaroo, and, in fairness, it sort of looks like one]. He was staring off, repeating over and over, “I’m the boss. I’m the boss.”

The staff and other residents around this common room seemed completely unscathed by his declaration. A “stranger” entering the room broke the normalcy of the atmosphere. I’m sure they knew it made me uncomfortable to see my dad “lost” in some other consciousness. He has Alzheimer’s.

I’ve written about Dad’s life with Alzheimer’s before (here). He was admitted into an assisted living facility only four-and-a-half months ago. He continues to do very well, despite life-threatening situations (blocked carotid arteries, metastatic colon cancer, and now Alzheimer’s). He amazes me, really. It is obvious, from visit to visit, that his disease is taking its toll. Yet there’s so much of Dad there still, and we are all so grateful.

A couple of months ago, Dad could still have conversations with us. He needed prodding, but the stories would come – fascinating, detailed stories of his growing up years and ours. I have always loved his stories. And the funniest jokes. Even when they weren’t funny, he enjoyed them so much, it made them funny.

In recent weeks, conversations are becoming shorter, more of a chore. He still has great, comforting memories but the fire of remembering has to be stoked considerably. As far as short-term memory goes, he may not remember what he had for supper an hour ago, but he remembers so many other things. – that Dave loves strawberries, and that he still loves the Atlanta Braves, and exactly how to tease each of his grandchildren. When one of them visited recently and called his dinosaur a cat, he got all “offended”. Dad has fussed about it since, at each mention of grandson Jeremy’s name. He will forget eventually, but for now, it stirs an affectionate pot in his mind.

[None of us could ever beat him in arm-wrestling, and as frail as he is, he hasn’t forgotten how to wear us out and eventually draw down our arms.]

With Alzheimer’s, the world of those affected seems to get smaller and smaller. We used to have long, meandering conversations. I miss the dad of those conversations. We’ve been fortunate in that he is still much like himself, with less words. He loves to eat and loves to laugh. I treasure that laugh of his. He still loves people and having visits from his pastor, friends and family, and his hospice nurses.Especially his grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

Dad has gotten less interested in going out of his assisted living facility. It feels safe to him. Comfortable. Once we’re out though, he is engaged – talking to the other drivers, telling me how to drive, looking for coins on the road (like we’re going to stop and pick them up). Alzheimer’s took away his freedom to drive but it also took away his desire to drive – a strange companionship, this disease and those who contend with it.

One afternoon, we joined other residents in listening to and singing with a church choir in the great room of the facility – outside of the memory care unit. The world feels much larger there. The choir led in some old Gospel songs – “Victory in Jesus”, “Take It to the Lord in Prayer”, “I’ll Fly Away”. At first Dad seemed to really enjoy the singing, and then, he “went away”. Lost in his thoughts and memories. I left him there…somewhere apart, following a scene I could not see.

After the choir finished, we walked back to the memory care unit, and he joined others for supper. Each has his or her own incredible life. Each now with different companions than they might have chosen – both at the table with them, and inside their own thoughts.

In watching Dad through his diminishing memory, and seeing those around him struggle, I’m struck by the dignity of life that we must battle to preserve. This quieter, mind-wandering, lovely old gentleman is still our Dad.

His repetitive “I’m the boss. I’m the boss.” is not surprising. With little education afforded to him as a farmer’s son during the Great Depression, he was rarely anyone’s boss. However, he has lived his life (for all the time I’ve known him) with such a confidence and determination, with autonomy and authority. With so much dignity that not even dementia can steal, hopefully.

Now, with Alzheimer’s, he won’t be easily convinced that he’s NOT the boss.

Maybe, it’s his turn…for a season.

[Big Dogs t-shirt with message (on the back) “I Am the Boss” – Happy Father’s Day present from that same daughter-in-law with a knack for great gifts – as in the dinosaur/kangaroo/cat toy Dad loves]

Repetition and Alzheimer’s

A Different Season of Life – Dad & Alzheimer’s

Alzheimer’s, the Brain, and the Soul

Alzheimer’s Reading Room – to Educate and Empower Alzheimer’s caregivers, their families, and the entire Alzheimer’s Community

Alzheimer’s Speaks Blog – Giving Voice to Those Affected by Alzheimer’s

Memories From My Life Blog – Memory Posters

The Best Alzheimer’s Blogs of the Year (2015)

12 Behaviors that Trouble Alzheimer’s Caregivers

Alzheimer’s: 25 Signs Never to Ignore

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Worship Wednesday – It is Well With My Soul – with Kristene DiMarco & Bethel

June 10, 2015 admindeb 1 Comment

On that day, when evening came, He *said to them, “Let us go over to the other side.” Leaving the crowd, they took Him along with them in the boat, just as He was; and other boats were with Him. And there arose a fierce gale of wind, and the waves were breaking over the boat so much that the boat was already filling up. Jesus Himself was in the stern, asleep on the cushion; and they woke Him and said to Him, “Teacher, do You not care that we are perishing?” And He got up and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, “Hush, be still.” And the wind died down and it became perfectly calm. And He said to them, “Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?” They became very much afraid and said to one another, “Who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey Him?” – Mark 4:35-41

What in your life right now has made you doubt a good outcome or happy ending? Is it a tough marriage, a job that no longer satisfies, wayward children, a scary health situation? We are all faced with storms in life that can knock us off our feet and even shake our foundation of faith.

My husband reminds me from time to time that our faith is only as good as the object of our faith. If we put our trust in our jobs, our health, our family or friend connections, we will be disappointed, just as we disappoint sometimes. If, however, we keep our eyes on God, He will see us through any and every storm that breaks over our lives.

The Apostle Peter gave us a keen example of keeping our eyes on God when he, by faith, stepped out of his boat, into a miracle. Seeing Jesus walking through an impossible situation (atop the sea), he joined Him…such a great lesson for us:

Peter said to Him, “Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water.” And He said, “Come!” And Peter got out of the boat, and walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But seeing the wind, he became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and took hold of him, and said to him, “You of little faith, why did you doubt?” When they got into the boat, the wind stopped. And those who were in the boat worshiped Him, saying, “You are certainly God’s Son!” – Matthew 14:28-33

Peter doubted, but he was not punished for that. He was rescued out of his doubt…as he clung to the One who took hold of him.

“My prayer for this song and what I’ve seen it do already is just to comfort people in really, really deep and hard times – the disappointments and the disillusionments, you know and just get to shake off self-pity for the rest of our lives. He really encountered me when I needed it the most. I needed rescue, salvation and I needed faithfulness and He came through for me, so now my faith is faith and it’s not just hope. We can hope that God is real all our lives, but why not know that He’s real?” – Kristene DiMarco

Lean hard on God and on those who love Him and love you.

Worship with me:

Grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
Seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
It is well with me

Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can’t see

And this mountain that’s in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well

So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name [repeat last line during 3rd run]
[x3]

It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
[repeat 3x]

It is well it is well with my soul [x3]
ahhhhhhh (softly)

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You Lord
Through it all, through it all
It is well with me.
[x2] *

*Lyrics to It Is Well by Bethel

YouTube Video – It Is Well – Bethel – Lyric Video

Lyrics and Chords to It Is Well by Bethel

Story Behind the Song It Is Well by Bethel

YouTube Video – It is Well by Kristene Dimarco & Bethel Music – You Make Me Brave

*Original Lyrics for It is Well with My Soul by Horatio Spafford, 1873

YouTube Video – It is Well with My Soul – Chris Rice

YouTube Video – It is Well with My Soul – Jeremy Riddle

Photo Credits – Christ on the Storm On the Sea of Galilee by
Rembrandt van Rijn, 1632; Moroccan Sunset by Ingrid Pullar

Family, Film, God, Grace, Healing, Inspired, Lessons Learned, Lives Full of God, Marriage, Pray, Rebellion and Sin, Reconciliation/Forgiveness, Redeeming & Restoring, Relationships, Transformational, Uncategorized

War Room – A Film and a Strategy – Praying Our Hearts Out for Those We Love

June 5, 2015 admindeb 3 Comments

“May Yahweh answer you in a day of trouble; may the name of Jacob’s God protect you. May He send you help from the sanctuary & sustain you from Zion. May He remember all your offerings & accept your burnt offering. May He give you what your heart desires & fulfill your whole purpose. Let us shout for joy at your victory & lift the banner in the name of our God. May Yahweh fulfill all your requests.” – Psalm 20:1-4

Have you ever laid awake at night fretting or even despairing over a loved one’s situation or life choices? Have you felt the choking hopelessness not thinking you can do anything to help? God forbid, we deal with a request for prayer as new fodder for gossip, or we just click “Like” on Facebook and never really pray. Never really pray as if all the powers of Heaven might come to bear on a situation if we did. Pray.

A new film by the Kendrick Brothers opens in theaters in the US on August 28, 2015. It’s called War Room with the subtitle Prayer Is a Powerful Weapon. I had the opportunity to see a pre-release screening and it so lifted my heart. It’s a compelling story about a married couple, Tony and Elizabeth Jordan (T. C. Stallings and Priscilla Shirer) whose relationship is crumbling by degrees. Ambition, pursuit of pleasure, entitlement, and unforgiveness have dealt mortal wounds to their marriage. Only a miracle would save their marriage.

This glimmer of hope arrives through the friendship of Elizabeth with an elderly woman, known only as Miss Clara. (Karen Abercrombie). This tiny old woman is a serious force of nature…wielding supernatural weapons, in her faith in God. She wages battle daily for those God places in her path. Unbeknownst to them at first, Elizabeth and Tony would soon see the very God of the universe draw near to them in response to His daughter’s cries for help. If you see this film, Miss Clara may remind you of your praying grandmother. So much love. So much power.

The film opens on a war room with military officers pouring over maps and coordinates as they planned strategy for battle. When Miss Clara enters the story, a very different war room is introduced. She prays all the time, out loud and confidently. Yet there are times during each day, she enters her war room – a tiny closet, with a chair and Bible, and notes taped up all over the wall. Those notes were prayer requests and Scripture promises. Complete focus on God and on the ones she was praying hard for…no distractions.

But you, when you pray, go into your room, and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in the secret place; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly. – Matthew 6:6

Some situations need excruciatingly intimate business done with God. Prayer requests in a meeting or through social media make a difference also. However, we don’t see answers to prayer sometimes because we think the problem is too great or the situation too far gone. Miss Clara kept her faith…whatever the outcome, this should be our heart toward God. He is able.

When we battle in prayer for those we love, this moves the heart of God. What are you praying your heart out for right now?

YouTube Video – War Room – The Heart of the Film

War Room – Doing Battle with Prayer – WRBL Special Report

“The Three Battles” by Alex Kendrick

To join the conversation: WARROOMMOVIE on Facebook; @WARROOMMOVIE and @ANSWEREDPRAYER on Twitter

Putting on the Armor – Equipped and Deployed for Spiritual Warfare – Dr. Chuck Lawless (pdf Bible study)

How to Pray Evangelistically – How to Pray God’s Heart – by Dr. Chuck Lawless

How to Pray when Someone You Love is Stuck in Sin by Erin Davis

Photo Credits – All images are from WarRoomTheMovie.com media materials.

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Worship Wednesday – Choose Well Whom You Serve – The Doorkeepers (Bowab) of Egypt

June 3, 2015 admindeb Leave a comment

A day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of wickedness. For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly. O Lord of hosts, blessed is the one who trusts in you! – Psalm 84:10-12

For many years, we were apartment dwellers in the desert city of Cairo, Egypt. The Nile River winds gloriously south-to-north through the city, but it is nonetheless a remarkably dusty place. The fine sand of the Sahara blows in daily and covers everything in its wake. Washing windshields, sidewalks, and hallways must be done each morning. These are among the many needful tasks for which the doorkeeper is responsible.

Most residential buildings have a doorkeeper, called a “bowab” in Arabic. He and his family often live in a tiny space on the bottom floor of the building. He, his wife and children run errands, do various other tasks for building residents, find taxis for those who need them, and stand guard, so to speak, at the door of the building.

The bowab has a lower station in life, but the ones I’ve known treated their work and those they served with dignity and graciousness. They may have preferred a different path, but maybe because of lack of opportunity or education, this was their life. Whether they chose it or not.

I had read Psalm 84 before moving to Egypt, but not until meeting the bowab of our building did these words come alive to me. This Psalm is written by the Sons of Korah* who were doorkeepers and porters those days in the house (tabernacle) of the Lord. They have a fascinating history which set the stage for them also to be sincere worshippers of God – humble, joyful, passionate worshippers.

Reading this Psalm, I am reminded of the pull of the world on us to walk away from God. To leave our stations. To choose to do something else. To be someone else. We begin to believe the voices that we deserve something different…something better…we owe it to ourselves to break free. Our thoughts can get more and more muddled…with that wanting something more…more than this?! More than what we have in Psalm 84?

We choose our course in life. God draws us to Himself, but we choose to align ourselves with Him or with the world. There is no “not choosing”. On days when my thinking gets clouded, I’m so grateful for the Word of God – how the truth of who God is resonates in my heart and mind. He is my Sun – driving away the darkness and my fear with it. He is my Shield – deflecting the arrows meant to wound and confuse me. He withholds no good thing from those who walk with Him.

“I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of wickedness.”

Just this morning, a friend reminded me of his devotional reading today out of A Daily Dose of Spurgeon:

“These were potters, and those that dwelt among plants and hedges; there they dwelt with the king for his work.” – 1 Chronicles 4:23, ASB

Potters were not the very highest grade of workers, but “the king” needed potters, and therefore they were in royal service… We, too, may be engaged in the most menial part of the Lord’s work, but it is a great privilege to do anything for “the king”; and therefore we will abide in our calling… The text tells us of those who dwelt among plants and hedges… They may have desired to live in the city, amid its life, society, and refinement, but they kept their appointed places, for they also were doing the king’s work… Ye unknown workers who are occupied for your Lord amid the dirt and wretchedness of the lowest of the low, be of good cheer, for jewels have been found upon dunghills ere now, earthen pots have been filled with heavenly treasure, and ill weeds have been transformed into precious flowers. Dwell ye with the King for His work, and when He writes His chronicles your name shall be recorded.” – Charles Spurgeon

Remembering the Sons of Korah and the Egyptian bowab helps me reckon with my station in life. How thankful I am that God has delivered me out of merely existing for myself and into gloriously serving Him. There is nothing menial there. All momentous. Nothing small. All mysteriously and lovingly God. I want to stand at that door…how about you?

“Choose well. Your choice is brief, and yet endless.” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

If it is evil in your eyes to serve the Lord, choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your fathers served in the region beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” – Joshua 24:14-15

YouTube Video – Better Is One Day – with Lyrics – by Matt Redman

*Who were the Sons of Korah in the Old Testament?

Egypt Essentials: The Bowab by Erin Owen

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Sebastian Traeger on the Value of Our Work

May 28, 2015 admindeb Leave a comment

For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them. – Ephesians 2:10

I had the opportunity recently to hear Sebastian Traeger speak on work. Although the auditorium was packed, he could have been speaking to one young person sorting out his future. Or to a professional in a mid-life funk wondering if what he does really matters. What he said, and the thoughtfulness of his presentation, actually surprised me. It had less a flavor of a highly successful entrepreneur’s career advice, and more that of a friend counseling a friend.

Here are the highlights from his talk:

Is fulltime ministry more valuable than my job? Are some jobs more valuable to God than others? No.
Who we work for is more valuable that what we do. Whatever is our work, as believers, we work for God. He is our boss. We are servants of the King.
God deploys each of us to do what He has for us to do – and what He means for us to do is always beyond our competence. We need Him.
What God values is not always obvious to us (Matthew 20:1-16).
God deploys us. Be fully where He has you until it’s clear He has a next assignment for you. He deploys us both inside our workplace and beyond, in our communities and to the nations.
Desire, abilities, opportunity – these three factors work together under His guidance. You may have one or more but not all three where you are. Don’t be discouraged. Trust God and do whatever you can to be faithful in hearing and obeying God in your desire, abilities, and opportunities.
What assignment has God given you? Be faithful.
Paul’s example in his letter to Philemon about Onesimus – one can seek freedom (a change) from his (work) situation but he must strive to be faithful in the meantime.
There is mystery in God’s purposes. Trust Him.
Finally, in sorting out your work situation, remember 3 things: 1. We live in a fallen world. Take this into account in dealing with your expectations. 2. Pray for opportunity (within your work and outside your workplace). 3. Trust God.

Sebastian Traeger and Greg Gilbert go deeper into these concepts in their book The Gospel at Work. They present a revelationary teaching on the issues of idleness and idolatry in our work and how to “pursue faithfulness, then fruitfulness”.

“The answer to fighting complacency is recognizing that you work for the Lord in all that you do. He’s not primarily calling you to your job; He’s calling you to belong to Him. Understanding the gospel in light of our work helps us to understand that we are to be sold-out disciples in all things.”*