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5 Friday Faves – Customer Service, a Documentary, a Rainy Spring Day, Taking Your Kids to Hard Places, and Nurturing Moms (Not Judging Them)

April 29, 2016 admindeb 5 Comments

Happy Friday! Here are my five favorites from this week…like you, I also have ongoing favorites (like time with my granddaughter, and the rest of the family, and deep talks with friends, and moments of revelation and inspiration – some hard and some gentle) that don’t get shared always…not sure why I wanted to share that even…but here are these! Have a safe and soaring day…and weekend.

1) Customer Service – Taking care of our customers and clients is important. Horst Schulze, renowned hotel executive and speaker, defines customer service as a three-part process: delivering an excellent product (without defect), in a timely manner, with genuine caring. I was facilitating a meeting recently, and one of the participants raved about our restrooms. He says to commend our housekeeping staff, because that level of service takes genuine pride and caring. He also asked me if I had ever heard of these super-gas stations in Texas named Buc-ee’s. Apparently they are amazing. When you travel a lot by car there is pretty much nothing as winsome as a nice restroom. My story on customer service this week relates to the outpatient registration and imaging department at Henrico Doctors’ Hospital.

You know those occasions when you go in to register for service and you hardly see the person’s eyes (either fixed on a computer screen or at paperwork or just walking ahead of you or working the equipment attached to you). My experience this week with these personnel and volunteers was very different. Warm, engaging, refreshingly funny, full of life, making me comfortable, working quickly, and then getting me back out the same door I came in (much appreciated after going down a myriad of hallways)…consummate customer service complete with a snack. 🙂

2) Documentary – Bono and Eugene Peterson – The Psalms – This week, a 20-minute film debuted highlighting the friendship of Bono (of the band U2) and Eugene Peterson (Bible scholar and author). Their relationship centers on how The Psalms have impacted both their lives. I got to see a prescreening of the film and reviewed the it here and posted my takeaways from the Q & A with the filmmaker Nathan Clarke. The film is honest, loving, and thought-provoking. Watch it below or here.

Photo Credit: atU2Blog

3) A Rainy Spring Day – After a really hot day this week, our flowers drooped and the greens looked frail…then the cool rain came. Joy!

4) Taking Your Kids to Hard Places – We don’t usually think of intentionally working hard experiences into our kids’ lives, but think about it. Our children haven’t been to really hard places in the world but they have had to wrestle with how to respond to beggars in North Africa…and here. Our boys have tended to a very ill grandfather. They haven’t been to many funerals, or visited many hospital rooms, or served in a shelter or soup kitchen. I would have done more of that with them, now that I see things differently. Jamie Dew writes about this in 6 Reasons to Take Your Kids to Hard Places. He observes that, “Seeing poverty and brokenness has the ability to transform the most selfish child into a selfless child. Letting them see the broken world creates the same burdens in their hearts [as it does in ours] and gives them a true sense of dependence on God.” Any stories you have about this? Please comment below.Photo Credit: The Star

5) Nurturing Moms (Not Judging Them) – Moms of all ages and stages have challenging lives – whether they work both inside and outside the home or more inside the home. I was in both camps of moms at various times during our children’s growing up years. Some moms aren’t able to financially do without a job, and others dearly love their work, and the moms who work hard to stay home all have two things in common: 1) they all have children and the responsibilities that go with those darlings, and 2) they need our nurturing, not our judging. Jen Wilkin wote a provocative article on both stay-at-home-moms (SAHMs) and working-outside-the-home-moms (WOHMs). It’s worth your time (women AND men). [Dads, you, too, benefit from nurturing as well.] I’m always glad for the opportunity to see something differently than I might otherwise – it helps me to love better. This was one of those reads.

Photo Credit: LarksNotesThis

Bonus: Nathan Mills @beyondtheguitar posted a new arrangement of one of the Zelda melodies on YouTube. A friend of mine who works with PTSD survivors in Japan commended the soothing nature of his Zelda arrangements. Enjoy.

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5 Friday Faves – Parental Pressures, Global Leadership Summit Highlights, Tim Ferriss, NCAA Championship Highlights, & American Idol Finale

April 8, 2016 admindeb 2 Comments

Friday, again. Hope you had a wonderful week or, at least, now maybe you can recover from it. These are my 5 favorite finds this week – very different from each other. Enjoy the rest of your day and sweet weekend.

1) Parental Pressures – Bunmi Laditan is the author of The Honest Toddler: A Child’s Guide to Parenting. In a piece for Huffington Post, she declares “I’m done making my kids’ childhood magical.” I loved it because the pressure parents feel today to make their children’s lives magical is so unnecessary. The pressures from Pinterest and other social media seep into our family cultures and place undue expectations on us to escalate birthday parties, vacations, after-school activities to “better and better, more and more”. To what end? Fortunately for me as a mom, our oldest was extraordinarly creative and led in our children all playing well together as children. They performed plays with little figures which they drew and cut out. When it was too hot for outside play, living in Cairo, Egypt, they roller-skated in apartment hallways . OK, so we did get to live in extraordinary places. They have gotten to experience 5 of the 11 Epcot Center countries without going to Disney World yet. So they have had an advantage in that. Magical, however, was never a goal of ours for their childhood. Like Laditan says, “Childhood is inherently magical” already. So I say hats-off to you parents who give your children occasions for great whimsy and delight, and hats-off to you who can also keep it simple. Hands in the dirt. Fishing with grandpa. Learning a second language. P.S. Laditan’s article How to Put a Toddler to Bed in 100 Easy Steps is hysterical (even for that weary parent).

2) Global Leadership Summit Highlight – Best money we have spent for a conference in recent years. Bill Hybels brings together great leaders to speak on a wide range of topics suited for any of us in positions of authority/influence – on business, community, service, relationships, and the world. You can register right here for the 2016 summit. We attended at a satellite location less than 30 minutes from home.Photo Credit: Willowcreek

Brian Dodd’s 150 Leadership Quotes from Bill Hybels from the Global Leadership Summit (2013-2015 Leadership Summits)

Also: Slideshare by Maruay Songtanin entitled The 100 Greatest Leadership Principles of All Time

3) Tim Ferriss on becoming an effective CEO – Well, Tim Ferriss didn’t write this one, although he teaches us tons of fascinating stuff through his Four Hour Work Week blog. This topic was covered by a guest on his blog – Chip Conley, author of Emotional Equations: Simple Truths for Creating Happiness + Success. Conley entered the hospitality industry in his 20’s and developed a strong ideology of valuing the intangible. He even became known as Chief Emotions Officer. [I can hear the eyes rolling.] Still, for those of you in leadership who are willing to learn something out of your comfort zone, learn from Chip Conley. Not necessarily about Buddhism or Maslow, but about employee engagement, work culture, and customer service.Photo Credit: True North Leadership

Leaders who don’t at least have processes in place to address such matters for their employees and customers have blinders on. Just sayin’. I wrote on another innovative and excellent hotelier, Horst Schulze, on a similar topic – world-class customer service.

TED Talk – Chip Conley on Measuring What Makes Life Worthwhile

http://fourhourworkweek.com/2012/01/19/chip-conley-emotional-equations/

4) NCAA Championship Highlights – This year’s March Madness ended with basketball greatness with the game between Villanova and North Carolina. Both tremendous teams and a battle to the end for the NCAA Championship. Such an incredible game! Villanova pulled out the victory in the last seconds. Photo Credit: WoodTV

If you didn’t see the game or want to just replay the great moments of the game, here are the highlights:

5) American Idol Finale – American Idol is over and I will miss it. I wasn’t a forever fan, but this farewell season has been fascinating from first to finish. On the final show, there were two hours of past winners, contestants, and judges showcased with lots of Hollywood hoopla. Also, the winner of this, the final season was revealed. This year’s American Idol is La’Porsha…..nope. It is Trent. I was surprised, although he is a completely amazing singer. Maybe it wasn’t so surprising as the culture of American Idol is driven by the voting of social-media savvy young people (I’m thinking) – possibly more girls (again, a guess). Handsome Dalton Rapattoni‘s fans, after his elimination, may have rolled their votes over to handsome Trent Harmon. Or, as the mic picked up one of them saying to the other as they hugged after the announcement: “It was God’s will.” La’Porsha Renae had to be a bit disappointed not to win. She is magnificent, and the only place she is going is up in the music world. She and Trent both got record contracts, so good news!

Here’s a sample of La’Porsha’s gift. Don’t miss her, because she is a rising star, destined for wherever God and that voice will take her.

Then there’s Trent…also incredibly gifted and ready for the music industry. Don’t miss his interpretation of Sia‘s Chandelier.

lastly, here, quite poignantly is the announcement of the winner, the last song, and the last goodbye…for now.

Trent Harmon Wins Last American Idol Ever – TV Guide piece by Liam Mathews with Finale Highlights

‘American idol’ Names Harmon its Final Winner – Bill Keveney, USA Today

‘American Idol’ 2016 Series Finale Recap: Who Is Your Final ‘American Idol’? by Jerica Tisdale for Starpulse

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60 Years Married – Mom & Dad – a Tribute & Photo Montage

March 29, 2016 admindeb 10 Comments

John & Julia – on their wedding day and their 50th anniversary

This week we celebrate Dave’s parents’ 60th wedding anniversary. 60 years! How thankful I am to have been part of their lives for a bit over 30 years thus far. Living in the embrace of their love for God, us and each other has been a journey of constancy and intentionality.

Julia and John have been another set of parents to me. My own mom raised us four children pretty much alone, finally leaving my biological father, without looking back. She later came close to God again and wondered if she’d stayed what might have happened. After a couple of visits, right after their divorce, that dad never came again…and we grew up knowing he didn’t love us.

[I’m very, very thankful for a step-dad, who I write about, who loved us as his own. So I do know the love of both a devoted mom and dad.]

With my own mom with the Lord, and my dad dealing with Alzheimer’s, I am grateful for all the years with my mom and the years still with Dad, wherever his mind will wander.

That being said, what a joy to also have Julia and John, my “in-loves” still together, hanging in there with each other and with us. Growing older is not an easy thing. All the vows we make in our weddings become all the more vital in the days when mind and body wear down. To see the kindnesses between these two, and their enduring love, patience, and regard for each other is such a witness to what marriage is meant to be…

They teach us and our children so much through how they have both celebrated and weathered life together – the weddings, the divorces of loved ones, the births, the deaths, the distances between us, and the seasons of all our lives. All the stamps in their passports to be with us overseas…so grateful for that. They have spent long days apart because of work in the early years, and long days together in a different work in the latter years. The interruptions of illnesses and accidents. The great grace they’ve known and lavished on us. Their faith in a God who never left them; never forsook them…ever.

Pictures will tell you more than my words…let them speak for me:

4 GenerationsJulia & John w/ her sister, Nancy & husband Bob – four close friends

The Mills Family, 2015

60 years…of faithfulness, and honoring, and loving through sweet times and hard times. So glad to be part of this journey with them…to be family with them.Happy 60th Anniversary, Dear Ones. You show us what love is and how it’s done across a lifetime.

Brothers, Conversations, Family, Film, Friendship, Grief and Loss, Growing up, Home, Lessons Learned, Memories, Mom and Dad, Mothers, Reconciliation/Forgiveness, Relationships, Remembering, Sisters, Transitions

Shared Memories – On Family with a Grateful Nod to the Story-telling of Downton Abbey

February 23, 2016 admindeb 5 Comments

Photo Credit: Vanity Fair

Shared memories…those places, friendships, events, emotions, experiences, and impressions known intimately by that little circle called family of origin. Notwithstanding, shared memories can also be the property of life-long friends or even a happenstance experience of strangers. Still I am enthralled by the great legacy of shared memories – some shimmering with joy and some we wish forgotten – both binding us together as family.

What a blessing are the in-law family members added to the fold! Those who listen with interest or at least value that bond – as dinner conversation is hijacked by memories of growing up together. What a gift that arena is where shared memories are rehearsed and celebrated…one. more. time.

For those reading not Downton Abbey fans, don’t miss this lesson on family life. Mary and Edith are adult sisters (missing the youngest, Sybil, whose sweetness had knit the other two together, before her untimely death). Their relationship is not close, to say the least, and their actions have, at times, been brutally hurtful toward each other.

In the next-to-last episode of the final season of Downton Abbey, Mary’s venomous words cut deep again, seemingly destroying once again Edith’s prospect for happiness. Then in a turn of the story, (spoiler alert), Mary accepts the proposal of Henry, and they prepare to wed days later.

Enter Edith…as we watch enrapt. What next between these two?

Sarene Leeds, of the Wall Street Journal, recaps this bit of the episode:

“By the time of Mary’s wedding day, Edith has cooled off enough to not only attend the nuptials, but take the high road when it comes to her relationship with her sister. She hasn’t gotten over what Mary did, but family remains paramount to her:

“In the end, you’re my sister,” Edith tells Mary. “And one day, only we will remember Sybil. Or Mama or Papa, or Matthew or Michael or Granny or Carson or any of the others who have peopled our youth. Until at last, our shared memories will mean more than our mutual dislike.””

Photo Credit: Pinterest.com

“Only we will remember…” How powerful that is! Not in an exclusive, “none others welcomed” sort of way…but in a high value, meant to be treasured way.

I think of our children – spending their pre-school years in eastern Tennessee, then living the rest of their childhood in North Africa. What they missed and what they gained…in this somewhat nomadic life with all the hellos and goodbyes…is their shared experience.

We also share it with them…for which I am beyond grateful…and out of which I can be, at times, this mama who clings a bit to them…not as much to the memories as to the ones who soldiered with us through that life. We know each other in that shared memory way.

They remember all the moves, the beauty of those places, and all the wonderful friendships in each place. They understand God’s grace in that. In some ways, as expats in countries not our own, we grew up together.

They remember the sweet times with family back in the States…and the growing up together (through too occasional visits but deep belonging).

They remember their grandmother, my mom, who died too early. They remember how much she loved them (I hope); for sure they remember the woman she was.

So many shared memories include other loved ones who are no longer here (cousin Chad and their Uncle Robert)…and births, graduations, weddings, life accomplishments and disappointments…and on it goes.

My hope and prayer, like with Edith’s wonderful lines from Downton, is that, as adult life fills with relationships and experiences less-shared, we return regularly to the bonds of shared memories…including making new ones together. Edith returned to her childhood home to witness her sister Mary’s wedding…as hard as it was for her; it mattered.

You may be in the throes of change in your life that you can’t stop. A looming divorce, a frightening illness, a company down-sizing – where loss of history, situation, or relationship are all too present. Shared memories cannot be destroyed in community – they may feel altered by present circumstance, but they don’t have to be. Our memories belong to us.

My dad has Alzheimer’s. His memories are diminished now. When we visit, we remind him of stories that bring joy to his heart. We look at photo albums and remember together those faces who love him. We, his children, keep his memories for him. Such a privilege for us.

What a great legacy we have with each other – this life we shared…this life we share.

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5 Friday Faves – a Podcast, Communication Helps, a Business Startup, a Song, and a Poem

January 29, 2016 admindeb 2 Comments

Friday! Winter storm Jonas is behind us here in Richmond, Virginia. It leaves in its wake a heightened gratefulness for heat and electricity, and for those who serve their neighbors by clearing streets and sidewalks. Kids finally went back to school, and work returned to normal. I’m looking forward to getting out tonight to the movies with Dave and our youngest. Finally I will see Star Wars – the Force Awakens which inspired our guitarist middle to do an arrangement of Rey’s Theme. Before proceeding to devour an obscene amount of movie popcorn, here are my 5 faves for this week.

1) Podcast – My favorite podcast this week was Srini Rao‘s interview with Chris Bailey. Rao is the host and founder of Unmistakable Creative where you can hear lots fascinating stories from people who are unmistakably creative (good stuff). Chris Bailey is the author of The Productivity Experiment: Accomplishing More By Managing Your Time, Attention, and Energy. I loved both Chris Bailey podcasts – Earlier, Living an Insanely Productive Life with Chris Bailey and this week’s Bridging the Gaps in Our Productivity with Chris Bailey. Bailey makes a critical distinction between just getting a lot of stuff done and real accomplishments. I appreciate that. Check out Chris Bailey’s blog A Life of Productivity where he lists 100 time, energy, and attention hacks (shortcuts) to help us reach higher productivity. Out of this 100, three of my favorites are: Every day, journal one great experience you had. At the start of every day, define three outcomes you want to accomplish (not to-dos; actual outcomes). When you meet with someone in person, shut off your phone completely.Photo Credit: Unmistakable Creative

2) Communication – Brad Hambrick is my go-to counselor guy when I need wisdom or direction in a difficult or complicated relationship. Truth is, I’ve never met him. He is the pastor of counseling at Summit Church, in Raleigh-Durham, North Carolina. What makes his counsel so easily accessible is that he posts videos online on a wide variety of subjects. His notes for deeper study are also available free of charge via an email to his office. His website bills him as a Counselor for the Church (Summit Church and anyone else who could use his help). Today, I want to point you to Brad’s favorite posts on communication. So helpful. Photo Credit: Summit RDU

3) Business Startup – I love wood – the smell of it, the look of it. All of it. Wood is timeless. A recent and happy discovery is Wellborn + Wright (a local company founded by Sam Sikes which sells reclaimed wood). Read how they describe themselves (from their website: “Wellborn + Wright is committed to providing timeless high-quality finished products. Our wood is reclaimed from all over the east coast from turn-of-the-century barns in western Pennsylvania all the way to textile mills in Boston. This salvaged wood is saved from landfills and given new life by our skilled team of craftsmen. We utilize sustainable and detail-oriented processing techniques, ensuring that all of our products maintain their character. We work directly with architects, interior designers, and builders. This unique ability allows us to deliver your vision of a consistent aesthetic in both the design and in the integrity of the architectural elements in your project.” Visit their website and you will find a visual feast of old wood brought back to life. My plan is to write more about this young company after a visit there soon. Wonder what I can have made by these craftsmen…makes me smile to think about it.Photo Credit: Richmondbizsense.com

4) A Song – Kenny G’s Over the Rainbow from the album – Classics in the Key of G – Once upon a time, many years ago, before moving our family to Cairo, Egypt, my husband decided he needed to scale back on his passion for music. We were downsizing in preparation for that move overseas. Dave had a huge music collection and decided that he would leave behind most of his music to focus on being with people more, instead of having his head in his music. Fast forward a few years, living now in Cairo, Egypt. On a shopping trip (for my birthday), he discovered this Kenny G CD at a local market. He bought this one and another by The Temptations. The song “Over the Rainbow” re-kindled his love for music and his music collection would grow again. It turned out to be a very good thing because of what a joy and stress-reliever music is for him. I had forgotten that story until the song came up on a playlist a few days ago, and he reminded me, “That song got me listening to music again.” It is beautiful.

5) A Poem – I am a slave to bits of paper. It’s hard for me to get rid of things, especially treasures with words – like essays my kids wrote, or sweet notes from friends, or poems my mom saved over the years. This one I discovered from a friend on Facebook, and its lesson is timely for anyone who still has their mom or dad. My mom died over 13 years ago, and I still wish we had had more time. Dad has Alzheimer’s and we spend time together…but the days of receiving advice from him are done. Part of saving those bits is like having the people attached near again. Sweet…like this poem.

Photo Credit: Facebook

Do you have any favorite finds from this week that you’re willing to share? Use the comments section.

The weekend beckons.

Attending or Focus, Babies & Children, Bookmarked Summer, Books, Contentment, Conversations, Cross-Cultural, Family, Growing up, Inspired, Lessons Learned, Mom and Dad, Parenting, Travel

Parenting – the Way We Did It and the Way the French Do It – Bringing Up Bébé

September 1, 2015 admindeb 5 Comments

Years before marriage and parenting, I had a life-altering experience of children that stayed with me all this time. A college friend, Marc, invited me out with his brother’s family. We went out to dinner at a nice (i.e. adult) restaurant. Since the children were small – preschool and elementary-aged – I wasn’t at all sure how the evening would go. They were captivating. Not because it was all about them. On the contrary. They enjoyed the conversation around the table as much as I did. Their ability to engage with the adults, to ask questions and listen, to offer their own amusing stories to the mix of talk was well beyond what I thought possible at their age. They gave me hope.

Parenting did not come naturally to me. I had a wonderful mom. There was no one like her. She had to work as we grew up and then had to take care of all that home management stuff on the weekends. With what time she had left, she mothered us very well. I just never knew how she did it. It was a complete mystery to me.

Our children came (2 biologically and our last by way of adoption) during the strong restart of home schooling in the US (late 80s and early 90s). With home schooling came a much more interventional parenting style. We were enthralled with the idea of keeping our children home with us to do and learn about life together. Through all their schooling years, with many of them living overseas, there were only a few when we actually home schooled, but I loved it…loved that time of discovery, and wonder, and endured the occasional exasperation at our struggle to master one subject or another.

Our parenting during those early years had a home schooling imprint on it. We even followed the 21 Rules of This House originated by a leading home school parent Gregg Harris.

The 21 Rules Of This House
by Gregg Harris

1. We obey God.
2. We love, honor and pray for one another.
3. We tell the truth.
4. We consider one another’s interests ahead of our own.
5. We speak quietly and respectfully with one another.
6. We do not hurt one another with unkind words or deeds.
7. When someone needs correction, we correct him in love.
8. When someone is sorry, we forgive him.
9. When someone is sad, we comfort him.
10. When someone is happy, we rejoice with him.
11. When we have something nice to share, we share it.
12. When we have work to do, we do it without complaining.
13. We take good care of everything that God has given us.
14. We do not create unnecessary work for others.
15. When we open something, we close it.
16. When we take something out, we put it away.
17. When we turn something on, we turn it off.
18. When we make a mess, we clean it up.
19. When we do not know what to do, we ask.
20. When we go out, we act just as if we were in this house.
21. When we disobey or forget any of the 21 Rules of This House, we accept the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

This set of rules helped me parent. One thing I really appreciated was that the rules were not just for the children but for all our family. No double-standard. These rules didn’t mean we were defined by “Do’s & Don’t’s”. They just helped me not to be all over the place. I also had great parenting mentors and practical, loving friends (see Balcony People) who encouraged me through the challenges of growing up kids. I didn’t need help with the joys.

My friend, Marc, & our first-born. Our three at play in Cairo, Egypt.

Our kids and their mom and dad grew up together. We learned how to parent with them, and they learned how to grow into each age.

As the saying goes, they grew too fast. As much as I love them as adults, I miss those years together more than I can say.

Now our first-born daughter has her own first-born. She isn’t using The 21 Rules of This House although she values its impact on her own life. She has been reading Pamela Druckerman’s Bringing Up Bébé – a book on French parenting by an American who spent her new parent years in Paris. Her book chronicles those years as she observed French families, babies and parents. Her experience of these children reflected mine long ago with Marc’s nieces and nephews.

Through the years and in our travels, we’ve experienced different cultures of parenting, and what I’ve read in Bringing Up Bébé is definitely counsel to be considered. The author and mom ends her humorous story with 100 Keys to French Parenting. My favorite 15 are below:

15 of the 100 Keys to French Parenting

#10 – Give Your Baby a House Tour – orient your newborn to where they will call home.

#11 – Observe Your Baby – Get to really know your baby. Watch her.

#12 – Tell Your Baby the Truth – Help him know that he can always believe what you tell him. It builds trust and confidence even in wee ones.

#20 – Do “The Pause” – The French don’t let their newborns “cry it out”, but they do pause before rescuing baby from nighttime crying. The goal is to help the baby learn how to settle back down herself.

#32 – Everyone Eats the Same Thing – There is no such thing as “kid” foods on the every-day French table. They learn to eat and appreciate “adult” food.

#35 – You Choose the Foods, She Chooses the Quantities – No food battles. Children take a bite of what is put on the plate. They don’t have to finish it.

#41 – Dinner Shouldn’t Involve Hand-to-Hand Combat – When they’re done, they’re done. Release them from the table when they’re finished eating.

#46 – Teach the Four magic Words – Please. Thank You. Hello. Goodbye. – Learning from an early age to be courteous and empathetic to others.

#50 – Back Off at the Playground – Children are given freedom to play without adults hovering. Safety assured, but exploration encouraged.

#53 – Give Kids Lots of Chances to Practice Waiting – Teaching delayed gratification.

#60 – View Coping with Frustration as a Crucial Life Skill

#63 – Give Kids Meaningful Chores – This folds right into the teaching of my favorite book on adolescence (Escaping The Endless Adolescence).

#89 – Make Evenings Adult Time – As parents carve out time for their own relationships, they teach children to value the importance as well.

#91 – Say “No” with Conviction – When parents say “No”, they need to mean it.

#92 – Say “Yes” as Often as You Can – Saving the “No’s” for when they matter most.

I would love to hear about your parenting years with your kiddos. What helped you? Anything you would do differently? Would love to dialogue on this topic…just for fun. We as parents should lavish grace on each other; parenting is a big job…

And then they were grown…

Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting (now with Bébé Day by Day: 100 Keys to French Parenting)

Pamela Druckerman, author of Bringing Up Bébé

Home Schooling Goes Mainstream

Bringing Up Bebe? No Thanks. I’d Rather Raise a Billionaire

Uncommon Courtesy – Blog – Recommended Reading

Babies & Children, Family, Growing up, Language, Memories, Mom and Dad, Remembering, Words

A Family Lexicon – Words That Grow Up With Us

July 14, 2015 admindeb 7 Comments

A lexicon is defined as “the words used in a language or by a person or group of people.” (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

As a family grows up together, they develop their own language. Sure, it’s usually with words everyone knows but with a context that’s intimate, a context that says we belong. Family can have its prickly stages, but the language of family is deeply embedded. Even as the children grow up and have their own families, the collective memory of these words, just like with favorite songs, take us back to another time. A time that these words had love, place, and situation wrapped snugly around them.In the days our children were little (before our third came home to us), this lexicon began to develop. You can even tell the ages of our children by some of our acquired favorite sayings.

Below are some of our Mills Family Lexicon. I wrote them down over the last several weeks, as they popped into our times together. Some the children have outgrown, and we look forward to adding new ones with the next generation of kiddos.

“Breffix, Comptible, Pannicakes, Whatchoosay?” Words we still use even though we’re all grown up…sort of.

“Turn on the Pancake Music” – Vivaldi’s Four Seasons – Saturday morning pancakes were always accompanied by Vivaldi. I’m thinking the kids still all have a strong urge for pancakes when Vivaldi plays.

Bobwhite whistle – We lived in big cities when the kids were growing up (Cairo, Egypt, the biggest). Lots of airports. I wanted to be able to get their attention without words. This worked then….and did for years later. It might have lost its magic now (or with earbuds, who knows), but for years……they stopped whatever they were doing and looked up.

“Do not feel sad. Many things cannot fly. Rocks. Trees. Sticks. Spike.” – from the film Land Before Time

“Hold on tight, Knuckles!” – a line off the Sonic videogame; first coined in our family, when cousin Jonathan and our guys were tubing on the river behind Uncle Mark’s boat.

“Charlie Brown” – enough said, about our melancholy guys

“You’re killing me, Smalls!” – from the film Sandlot

“Too hot! Too hot!” – from the film 101 Dalmations

“That’s what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.” – from Charlie Brown Christmas

“I. Am. O.K.” – [Thou Shalt Laugh; Taylor Mason]

“Every lit-tle thing’s gonna be alright.” – chorus of song by Delirious

“This is a sick world we’re living in! Sick people!” – from the film Jingle All the Way

“Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?” – Dad, from the film Rush Hour

“You wubbin’ me the wong way.” – Elmer Fudd, Geico commercial

“Are you dead, Man?” – from the film Cool Runnings

“No, only mostly dead.” – from Princess Bride

“People are idiots!” – from Everybody Loves Raymond‘s dad Frank

“Let’s go shoot buffalo!” – said his buddy Zach Anders at Nathan’s 4th birthday party

“Meskeen” – Arabic word meaning “pitiful” or “to be pitied” – resorted to when one of us is throwing a pity party. Other language words also used without thinking. “Malesh” is also an Arabic word meaning “It’s O.K.” or “Never mind” or “No worries”, Daniel’s French interjections sometimes come out of nowhere- including “Quoi?” (“What?”) and “Mafoix” (although I don’t know what it means).

“Either deal with it or die to it.” – again Dad’s short admonition when we keep ruminating over a conflicted situation or relationship.

“Being young is not an accomplishment. You don’t have to do anything to be young. To be old you have to persevere. That’s an accomplishment.” – Not sure what provoked Dave (the daddy in this family) to orate on this topic, but the kids all know this saying of Dad’s.

“Do not grow weary in well-doing; you will reap a harvest, if you don’t give up.” – Galatians 6:9 – there are the many Bible verses that were there for counsel and encouragement; this is one.

“Good night. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite. You either.” – sing-song back and forth at “lights out” while kids were growing up

I know…too stinkin’ adorable, that one – “the Walton’s”, not ours.

What are some of your family’s lexicon words/sayings? Please share them in the comments below.

What Is Your Family’s Lexicon?

WikiQuotes – Sonic the Hedgehog

90 Quotes That Will Change the Way You Think

YouTube Video – The Mom Song Sung to William Tell Overture With Lyrics

This is What It Would Sound Like if You Talked to Your Parents Like They Talk to You

YouTube Video – 10 Things All Moms Say

The “littles” with Memaw & Papa

…and a bit later with MomMom & PopPop

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Balcony People – The Encouragers in Our Lives – You Know Who You Are – and We’re Grateful

June 25, 2015 admindeb 14 Comments

Better Together, George Washington Academy, Casablanca, Morocco

Encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing. – 1 Thessalonians 5:11

People who know me well know the struggle I have with insecurity and self-doubt. It doesn’t seem so but it’s true. I have been blessed with great encouragers in my life who have fanned the flame of vision and cheered me on when it was for me to do a hard thing. Those dear ones are what Joyce Landorf Heatherley calls “balcony people” – those encouragers who stand and cheer us on. We all have occasions to be so in each others’ lives. I love the opportunity myself, to be an encourager, having had it modeled so well for me.

I read this little (70-page) book years ago, but it still comes to mind often when people are kind enough to come alongside and encourage me to be that person for the job, or to do what’s needed whatever it is… It wasn’t because they couldn’t do it but for me to grow into a person of greater capacity. Or, just because I’m the one for the job. Imagine.

Encouragement isn’t just pat-you-on-the-back praise or superficial compliments. Jenn Arman defines it here: “Encouraging someone can mean you’re giving them support or confidence, but is also means that you’re helping to develop something in them. When the Bible talks about encouragement, it usually means that one is calling someone to their side in order to teach, comfort, strengthen or push them to act in a certain way. People who encourage others say with love what a person needs to hear, when they need to hear it–even if it isn’t what the person wants to hear.”

The greatest encourager in my long life has been Jesus. He was/is the consummate encourager. Even hours before He went to His death, He could have turned the attention of His disciples on Himself. Yet, that would not be the case. He had compassion on his disciples and taught and encouraged them even in those last hours:

[Jesus speaking] “I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In the world you have trouble and suffering; but have courage, I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33

There have been great numbers of encouragers along the way in my life, and I couldn’t begin to mention them all here…you know who you are. Through the photos below, I will mention some. Thank you all. Thank God for you.My life-long friend, Paulette, who stuck by me all these years and who was brave enough to say loving hard things to me when needed. She went to be with the Lord recently, and I miss her.

Kay – my friend and colleague at a time I was a new-in-town cancer nursing specialist. Trying to win the confidence of the staff of a cancer center, I leaned on Kay for counsel and kindness. She taught me a whole new understanding of the phrase, “Get over it!”

Kathy – my student, who would years later take my place at that same cancer center. I learned more from her than she ever did from me. She makes me proud and humbles me with her enduring friendship.Jan – who was my parenting mentor. She relentlessly spoke truth into my life, and I needed it. Our children still know (and now appreciate more) the rules of the house affected by Mrs. Jan.

Linda – whose friendship I’ve enjoyed for over 20 years and who taught me how to pray bigger than ever before.

Heba – a friend and daughter from another mother who makes me laugh every single time we talk. What a gift from God she is.

Blythe – a young friend who was a true balcony person in my life and has grown into this incredible woman, wife, mother. Kim – who was teacher and friend to our son and became a dear friend to me.

Marge – also a teacher to this son of mine and my friend in a hard season. We walked the streets of Cairo together. I learned from her.

Shana – who helped me in more ways than she knows, teaching me a lot about capacity…and joy in the simplest of things.

Nezha – who was my friend in a mid-life season – with such class and generosity of heart.

Lisa – this friend who taught me about forgiveness and perseverance – who also visited us in Africa multiple times – I see God much more clearer through her experience of Him.

Karen – my friend and colleague – whose wise counsel has encouraged me in these days…and she actually reads my blogs. ‘Nuff said.

There are as many encouragers as there are days…but I will stop here…with these. My Mom, my mom-in-law, and my daughter – all have believed in me and leaned into my life. You know what a great thing this is in your own life. These people who want to come close – for their sake and for yours. Struggling with fear as I do, these women have brought an uncommon grace into life for me.

Last, and never least, there’s this guy…I can’t say enough about how his love has altered the course of my life…for the better. “He put stamps in my passport.”…and helped me be a mom. Thank you, Dave.

Whether we care to admit it or not, we all need people who believe in us. Or believe God enough to see in us what He sees and what we can’t see ourselves. How empowering that is!!!

Balcony People by Joyce Landorf Heatherley

Where Are All Your Balcony People?

Basement People vs. Balcony People

Balcony People – a Study in Philemon by James MacDonald

What Does Encouragement Really Mean?

Having Courage and Being an Encourager – from the Bible study series: Marks of Maturity – Biblical Characteristics of a Christian Leader

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Fathering – Celebrating Men Who Did It Well; Forgiving Men Who Didn’t

June 20, 2015 admindeb 4 Comments

Photo Credit: Calvin & Hobbs from the blog of Kenneth Reeds

“As to my children, you are now to be left fatherless, which I hope will be an inducement to you all to seek a Father who will never fail you.” – Jonathan Edwards, his last words to his children, as he lay dying

Fathering, like mothering, is not an easy job. So much dying to self. So much responsibility. What a delight for us when the men in our lives take fathering on their shoulders as they might a sleeping child. Surrendering themselves to the serving of those younger than them. I thank God for men who humble themselves in prayer for their children and who go to work every day to support their families. Working, studying, and life-long learning passed on to their children and others.

These dads are too-often taken for granted in the shadow of fathering that falls short. The absent, neglectful and downright abusive fathers cut wounds so deep that decent fathers are sometimes judged by the same measure. We watch for “the sins of the fathers to be revisited on their children” (Numbers 14:18).

Today, let’s reflect on the good fathers. Those who were present at our births, or those who came later in life to us, or those who father us out of their own great hearts. Imperfect, sure. All of us are. Yet, there are those men who go many more than second miles for us, and we are grateful.This dad who took his family to Cairo, Egypt. Our children have had such rich lives as they saw their dad work and relate way out of his comfort zone. What great memories and relationships we have because of his willingness to take us on such a journey.

“My father was a farmer upon the Carrick border, O,
And carefully he bred me in decency and order, O;
He bade me act a manly part, though I had ne’er a farthing, O;
For without an honest manly heart, no man was worth regarding, O.”

– Robert Burns, ‘My Father Was a Farmer: A Ballad’*

My Dad. Not my biological father (who I talk about here) but the only dad I’ve ever known. So thankful for him…and his love…and joy in life (even in this season of Alzheimer’s).

“Sundays too my father got up early and put his clothes on in the blueblack cold, then with cracked hands that ached from labor in the weekday weather made banked fires blaze. No one ever thanked him. I’d wake and hear the cold splintering, breaking. When the rooms were warm, he’d call, and slowly I would rise and dress, fearing the chronic angers of that house, Speaking indifferently to him, who had driven out the cold and polished my good shoes as well. What did I know, what did I know of love’s austere and lonely offices?” – Robert Hayden, ‘Those Winter Sundays’*

My sweet dad- and mom-in-love. What an amazing thing to enjoy the love of people who didn’t have to love me, just because their son did. I thank God for this dad and this mom who opened their hearts to receive a daughter, as if I was born to them.

Those fathers who treat us as sons and daughters – gracious, generous, affirming, empowering. Fathers (and mothers, these Godly wives) whose faces reflect the face of God to us.

Grateful for these fathers…and others like them. Young and old. Fathers who give us a glimpse of the Father of all creation, who loves us…and sees us…and waits for us…and knows us by name.**

Hoping you have fathers to reflect on joyfully today…if not so much, hoping you can take joy and comfort in the Father who loves you perfectly.

Photo Credit: B. C. Comics

*Father’s Day Poems: E.E. Cummings, Rita Dove, Seamus Heaney And More

The Father I Never Knew – on Father’s Day – from archives of debmillswriter.com

All the Desiring God resources to date on being a Husband and Father – great list of articles

20 Quotes from the book Father Hunger by Douglas Wilson

**What to remember Every Father’s Day by Jennifer Dukes Lee

Father Models – 10 Roles Dads Play With Their Kids

Learning Fatherhood from the Father of Fatherhood

10 Reasons You Can’t Forgive Your Father This Father’s Day & One You Can – Leslie Leyland Fields

How to Have What All Our Hurting Hearts Want Most This Father’s Day – Ann Voskamp – A Holy Experience

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Worship Wednesday – Live Like That – with Sidewalk Prophets

April 22, 2015 admindeb Leave a comment

Jesus said, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” – John 13:34-35

We choose whether our brief lives are misspent or spent well. A few days ago, a dear neighbor, Mrs. Frances died unexpectedly at the young age of 92. I loved her stories of teaching English and serving people God placed in her life. She and her sister walked the neighborhood in the early morning. Just seeing her on those walks encouraged my heart. She had so much joy and was generous with it, lavishing it on all she met. By her own testimony of faith, and evidenced by a life of loving God and others, she is in Heaven. I can see her house from my kitchen window, and her life will continue to affect me for good. I want to live like that.Mrs. Frances (on left) & Mrs. Johnnie – Neighbors & Friends

“Only one life, ’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.
And when I am dying, how happy I’ll be,
If the lamp of my life has been burned out for Thee.”
C.T Studd (read whole beautiful poem here)

God has given me so many opportunities in life, for which I’m deeply grateful. Parents who loved God and loved us. A good education. Great friends through the years and across distances. Incredible work situations: teaching nursing at Emory University and then Yale University, working on cancer units in inner city settings and small towns, teaching English overseas, and now writing. I am a wife (blessed with an amazing “in-law” family), a mom to 3 great young adult children (two of whom have added sweet spouses to our family), and a grandmother-to-be. So much joy in all that.

Life has its deep losses as well. My closest life-long friend died this past year. We have lost other friends, family members, and dear colleagues over the years – some dying very young. My Mom, who was always my role model for godliness, died at 75, which today seems so young. My brother, Robert, and his son, Chad, are gone now as well, and even writing this, my heart is pierced again with the pain of missing them.My Mom, Mildred McAdams

My sweet nephew, Chad Stephens

My older brother, Robert Stephens

So what of all of this? Did those people, through all these years and across all these miles, these whose lives brushed with mine, experience Jesus’ love through me? Today, is it the case?

There are moments of revelation – wake-up calls – that we are meant to hear for our own lives. Life is full of cross-roads, and we choose which way we go. No matter how successful, beautiful, influential, or (fill-in-the-blank), we are, each of us has only this one brief candle-flame of a life. How we live it matters. Will we be remembered more than a generation or two beyond our short stint on earth? Probably not. That doesn’t really matter as much as what we do with our lives – for God and for others. That’s what matters.

Do we live our lives for ourselves? Squeezing all the goodness out of our fortunes to indulge our own desires? Do we hold onto time as if it belongs to us? Do we waste a lifetime on our screens, instead of invested in real people? Uncomfortable questions, especially for me. I so struggle in this. As I write, even if this encourages some, I am aware of a world beyond the door I can see from my desk…where people are, in real skin, and real need. It brings all the more urgency to finish this writing…to get on out there.

“Oh God, I fail regularly. You are not bothered, I’m pretty sure, by our need for downtime sometimes. For recreation. You’ve created us to both work and rest, and You give us leisure to refresh us for the next round of life. Forgive us, when we use that leisure to spend on ourselves and only then want more – more time for ourselves, more toys, more self-directed adventures. Oh God, help us remember how You saved us from ourselves, through faith in Jesus. Help us to see the world with Your eyes. Help me, God, to get up out of this chair…and go out there… ‘recklessly abandoned, never holding back’ – like Jesus lived and shows us how. I want to live like that.”

Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. – Hebrews 12:1-2

Worship with me, with this great call to faith and action by Sidewalk Prophets:

Sometimes I think
What will people say of me
When I’m only just a memory
When I’m home where my soul belongs

Was I love
When no one else would show up
Was I Jesus to the least of us
Was my worship more than just a song?

(Chorus)
I want to live like that
And give it all I have
So that everything I say and do
Points to You
If love is who I am
Then this is where I stand
Recklessly abandoned
Never holding back
I want to live like that
I want to live like that

Am I proof
That You are who you say You are
That grace can really change a heart
Do I live like Your love is true?

People pass
And even if they don’t know my name
Is there evidence that I’ve been changed
When they see me, do they see You?

Chorus

I want to live like that
I want to live like that

I want to show the world the love You gave for me
(I want to live like that)
I’m longing for the world to know the glory of the King

Chorus

I want to live like that
I want to live like that*

*Lyrics to Live Like That by Sidewalk Prophets

YouTube Video – Live Like That by Sidewalk Prophets

YouTube Video – Live Like That by Sidewalk Prophets [images from films and news reports you might find familiar – brought tears to my eyes. One distracting typo: In the lyrics, corrected it’s “Was I love when no one else would show up?”

Live Like That – Sidewalk Prophets – Devotional Series

YouTube Video – Live Like That by Sidewalk Prophets (just another lyric video – another set of powerful images accompanying life-changing words)