Graduation. Moving from student to employee. It’s an exciting time, riveted with possibility and weighty decision-making.
[Yep…our kids, one by one entering their next season of life.]
As parents, we hope, first off, that our children secure jobs in their field, in this competitive and changing workforce. Given that, it would be lovely for them to be in a company or organization where they can thrive and grow.
Work-life writer Simon Sinek and organizational psychologist Adam Grant have addressed this issue – this issue of looking for employers who genuinely care about their employees and invest in them. Photo Credit: Aspen Ideas Festival
It’s definitely something to consider as our graduates are applying for jobs. This pursuit of an employee-friendly employer should continue throughout our professional lives. At the end of our careers, who we are as people and what we were able to accomplish in work will be strongly impacted by our employers. Think about it.
I came across a piece written by Kaitlyn Wang last year. She summarized a talk Sinek and Grant gave at the 2017 OZY Fest.
In their talk, Wang writes, these two workplace thought leaders talked about the out-dated leadership value of customer always trumping employee. If in bottom line thinking, employees are under-valued and under-utilized, eventually the product, service, and customer will also suffer. To me, that is just common sense…and, to hear Sinek and Grant, that workplace scenario is changing.
For the new graduate (and any one of us looking for that future employer), two ideas are offered as telling of company values and leadership philosophy:
Ask the interviewer if they LOVE their company. Not like but love. See what their response reveals.
Ask the interviewer to tell a story about something “that would only happen at that company”.
How would you adapt these two ideas?
Even before the job interview, we can learn clues on the culture through the messaging on the company’s website and social media. What matters to those in charge? What is clear or not so much about employee engagement?
We are living in the early aftermath of many days of rain and the threat of flooding. For some it was worse than for us. It was nothing compared to the flooding we’ve seen in other parts of the country.Photo Credit: WikimediaPhoto Credit: 403rd Wing
Still, for us, it was a quick study on what it must be for others who experience such a crisis and its aftermath. In small measure, but same lessons.
Our basement is both a storage space and living area. We, in fact, do a lot of life there…with friends and grandkids. The storage consists of 1) boxes of our memorabilia from our years of travel and our children’s growing up, and 2) boxes of stuff from my Mom’s estate, given to us but as yet unboxed…until now.
When we discovered water coming into our basement from an over-saturated yard, on Friday night, we had to act fast or we don’t know how high it would have risen. Dave, our youngest son, and I began the work of dealing with a relentless flow of water into spaces it wasn’t welcome. Our son-in-law and older son came and we worked for hours attempting various diagnostics and maneuvers to stop the water and hold it back. It was exhausting work. Finally, sometime in the middle of the night, the water stopped coming in.
[My husband was supposed to have been at a work conference far from home, but other circumstances kept him here. You can imagine how thankful I am that he was home for all of this.]
When the rain stopped, we began the drying out process…and the cleanup. The work of making our basement into the friendly, happy space it was is almost disorienting. Hard to know where to start.
It will all happen. We are so fortunate. Now, more than before, we have an inkling of understanding of what others have gone through suffering tremendous crisis…like losing their furnishings and more in a flood.
In a quiet moment since Friday night, when we were taking a break, we marveled at what happens in human response to crisis. I’ve participated in crisis management throughout my career, and in our microcosm experience this weekend, we saw those practices at work…without even thinking about it.
Who Is Involved in a Crisis Response?
1) Crisis manager – the person in charge; the one running the crisis response; the one who knows what’s happening where and has all that in his head
2) Secondary managers – the persons who could be in charge but are working themselves on a piece of the operation
3) Frontliners – those with or without crisis manager skills but who have a piece of the response; the ones counted on to persevere in their tasks until they’re told to do something else.
4) Supply Line – the ones who by the nature of their skillset (or lack thereof) or physical ability who support all the above – the “go-fers”, the bringers of food, water, tools, encouragement. These, like the crisis manager, have the purview of the whole crisis and how each person is responding. They also, because they don’t have the stress of leadership, may see more clearly the toll on the individuals. They influence by alleviating stress through the supply line or by stating need to the manager (for rest or relief for frontliners, for instance).
5) Lastly, the Persons in crisis – they may very well be a part of the above, as was our situation. They carry the brunt of the crisis and its longer term impact. They also may not have capacity to respond to the needs of those around them, also in crisis [this was hard for me personally, knowing others we loved also having water issues.]
Crises show what we are made of, but they also show us our capacity and our potential. We’ve all responded to crises. What did we discover about ourselves? Sometimes we hesitate to respond to crises because of past negative or difficult experiences. Yet, we see those, who become our heroes, run (not away from danger but) into danger for someone’s sake. Every single time. Photo Credit: GeauxGuard
How do we become more like them in responding to danger (or crisis)?
We see the possible outcome as greater than the cost.
We build capacity by continuing to stay open to the smaller daily crises of each day (this helps me).
We learn from our heroes – not just about courage but about skillsets and thinking and even community-building.
We lean on each other, and (if you will) on God in crisis. All we can do ourselves is not always enough. Being in community and keeping our faith in a living God help us endure crisis and manage it, helping others.
It is much easier for me to write these thoughts than to do the next round of clean-up. All the wet cardboard went out this morning with our recycling. Now it’s what do I keep and where do I put it…Stuff. There is our treasure and there is stuff meant to be someone else’s treasure…none of it should stay forever in cardboard boxes.
The real crisis is over. The fatigue and “let-down”* will pass. The best part of it all was the human part. To work into the night with family who love each other willing to drop what they were doing and come. Working together, even though we are all people of strong opinions; dropping that for the sake of the work and each other. This was, for us, the greatest impact and power of this crisis. We are grateful.
The dances are fun to watch and feature a wide range of music. Nathan’s classical guitar renditions are uniquely beautiful. My favorite of the dance/music combinations on this video are Bluegrass, a polka or Russian dance, a pop oldie, and a Rock finale (where Nathan brings out his electric guitar!!). Enjoy!
2) Spring Rain – We’ve had a fairly dry Spring in Richmond, Virginia. What this means for allergy-sufferers is the barrage of tree pollens that make being outside insufferable. The yellow blanket on all surfaces this time of year could use a good washing.Photo Credit: Charlotte Observer
This week, finally, the rain came. As happens with rains in our part of the world in May, all of nature seems to push up, greener and more vivid. We can all breathe deep the freshness of the air and the beauty around us. For me, the sound of rain is as glorious as its visual aftermath. We don’t live where flash flooding is a problem, so I do want to remember that days and days of rain isn’t happy for everyone. Still, it is a welcome respite from the hot dry days of late Spring in Richmond.
3) Habits of Love – Thanks to Andy Crouch (see #4), I have discovered Richmond attorney and thought leader Justin Earley and The Common Rule. So thrilled about this. The funny thing is that I ALMOST heard Justin speak on busyness earlier this month but couldn’t make it work schedule-wise (ironic, huh?). When Andy retweeted this image from Justin’s Twitter page, I was captivated.Photo Credit: The Common Rule, Twitter
From there, I discovered The Common Rule website and Facebook page. Subscribed, subscribed, subscribed. Justin focuses on habit formation towards love. He has really useful helps on his website and through his email subscription. I am on it!
4) Andy Crouch on Shame – Author Andy Crouch has written an essay on how our culture has changed. For most of our history as a country, we have been a guilt-based culture. By that, I mean we measured ourselves and others as being “right or wrong” in our thinking, choosing to do right or wrong. This is how we raised our children. We determined not to measure our children up against (compared with) other people, but to raise them up with a standard of right living and making right choices (for us, it was based on the Bible…on the teachings and life of Jesus). “Right” was not legalistic or moralistic; “right” was loving, kind, serving, non-judgmental.
Only in recent years has our culture been moving toward more of a shame-based view on life. Here the difference is how our character and behavior reflects on a larger community (“how others see us”). This is somewhat different from the traditional shame-honor culture. In that culture, honoring your family, country, religion was all-important. If your behavior did not comply with those values, you were shamed, even ostracized.Photo Credit: The Rise of Shame in America, Honor Shame
Today’s American culture has definitely moved away from a guilt orientation. We hear it all the time in statements like “Well, that may be OK for you.” “You have the right to believe that way.” “Don’t try to put that guilt on me.” However, our culture is not moving toward the traditional shame society, but more a shame-fame culture. Fame over honor. Social media has driven this in recent years. We want to be “seen” a certain way. In fact, a young colleague of ours once said, “It’s my job to make you look good.” I was shocked at that. One, “looking good” was not even on my radar. Either I was good (competent, responsible, dependable, etc) or I wasn’t. It demonstrated the culture shift and generational disconnect.
The shaming still happens in our culture. Children can be shamed for not behaving in ways that make their parents look good. Public shaming of people who don’t agree with each other can be as brutal as real ostracism. And so it goes.
I miss the guilt culture. Where, whatever your religion or political ideology, you could tell the good guys from the bad guys. Or maybe we were naive, but I hope not. Today, it seems all about how we portray ourselves…how we are received by those that matter to us.
Sigh…any thoughts? Please.
[Don’t forget to return and read Andy’s essay and David Brooks’ review of Crouch’s essay and this whole social phenomenon.]
5) Wonder – we are surrounded by the wonderful. The older we get, the more the losses and hardships of life push in on our experience of wonder. Children, and especially grandchildren, help us with that. They fill our storm-dampened sails. I am so thankful we live in the same city as our children. When we have time with them, we stand a little taller, walk a little lighter, and wonder comes home to nest. Just last night, while our daughter and I were having a visit with an old friend, Dave elected to play with our little granddaughter. Off they went (not sure who was more excited). After the visit, daughter and grand-daughter headed out into the night, with “Bye…love you” resounding out of the back window. A tiny hand waving…
Dave was full of wonder. He marveled at how they read the whole hour. How a two-year-old could be that captured by stories! Maybe she was also in her own world of wonder, in the company of a granddad who loved her.Photo Credit: Pixabay
Hard to say, especially as a grandparent, who (in image below) is helping who…more.Photo Credit: Pixabay
Wonder is not just bound up in a child. It is all around us, in God’s own nature and his created nature. In all of us, bearing His image. Not just children, but everyone. I’m struck lately with how strong, and resilient, and persevering, and sharp most of the older adults are in my life. They are my heroes. Even when the mind and body weaken, life itself…the gift of life in all its forms and capacities…is a wonder.
Again, happy Friday! Hope yours is a rain-refreshed but not flooded weekend! [Edit: Have I got a story to tell for another day – It’s Friday night and the rain ceased to be refreshing hours ago – praying it stops!]
[Please share your own favorites or thoughts on above in the Comments. Much-appreciated.]
When we institute change, any change, there is a ripple effect. We have impact on those absorbing the change. Making and executing a decision can be quite satisfying, but impact is a whole other thing. No matter how necessary, innovative or even brilliant we think the change is, the outcome and impact may be less than we had hoped. Part of the change must take into consideration those most affected by it…Input in anticipation of change is key to positive impact.
We don’t want to use a new invention until we understand it. That doesn’t mean we need to understand how it functions. However, we need to grasp what it can do and what it can give us.– Rachel Botsman
What happens when a new business process is introduced as a done deal? What happens when your job is to translate it to your team in such a way that there is buy-in, ownership and adoption? Hopefully, you are thrilled with the possibilities it presents. But…what if you’re not. What if you are moved t to wonder how it will alter your work team’s relationships and responsibilities…?
The “what if” questions lead middle managers or team leaders to “if only” assessments. If only our team could have spoken into this…a much better outcome and more positive impact could follow… without the disruption and chaos you know will come… unnecessarily.
We must be careful, as decision-makers to avoid the default of being task and development oriented to the point that we lose sight of the people impacted. It’s not just “get ‘er done”; it’s also “get ’em won”.
Leadership has its rewards in delivering on bottom line and fulfilling the expectations of shareholders. Where we struggle sometimes is moving too quickly in identifying a problem and developing a solution. Occasionally even publishing our solution cold to our department heads or work teams. They do not always meet our hard work and great solutions with enthusiasm…not because our teammates are ungrateful or clueless. No, in fact, they may have had their finger on the very pulse of those same problems, working out solutions together but not to the point of finished product. We, as leaders, can swoop in like the cavalry, communicating that we alone can “fix the problem”. No need for input here, right? Wrong…sadly wrong.
Before putting in motion a sweeping new initiative, we can hope for maximum impact. Maximum positive impact.
How? If we are willing to do the extra work of gleaning from teams, we can build trust and an openness to adopt change. It’s a win-win.
Kathy Caprino, a career coach and leadership developer, wrote an excellent piece on having genuinely positive impact.
9 core behaviors of people who positively impact the world:
They dedicate themselves to what gives their life meaning and purpose.
They commit to continually bettering themselves.
They engage with people in open, mutually-beneficial ways.
They invest time and energy not in what is, but what can be.
They embrace critique.
They spread what they know. [No gatekeepers or bottlenecks here.]
They uplift others as they ascend.
They view the journey as the goal.
They use their power and influence well. – Kathy Caprino
[Caprino goes into much more depth in her article. Don’t miss it.]
Just a word on disruption. It, of course, can be a good thing. The thing for us all to remember about disruption, especially in the workplace, is that it is never recreational, especially to those whose positions or purposes are being disrupted. As Rachel Botsman demonstrates in the image below…when change is initiated, we may see one of at least three reactions. When we build trust and demonstrate valuing of those most affected by the change, positive impact can be that sought-after outcome of our endeavors.Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons
It’s worth the work – and we are better leaders for doing it.
1) Answered Prayer – This week has been wave after wave of answered prayer…so much so that I’m without words…almost. Many times when we pray, we have to wait…sometimes for years. I have prayers on deposit with the Lord that (at least on this side of life) are still “in waiting” for his perfect timing. We pray on. Then we have the acute occasion when we seek a quick and crucial response. My brother spent a night this week in ICU because of a hard fall to concrete. How grateful I am for people who stand “in the gap” for each other in prayer, no matter the time of day, or whatever is going on in their own lives. For hours we prayed and waited for news that he would recover…and tonight he sleeps in his own bed at home. Just. Like. That. Photo Credit: Pixabay
Answered prayer does not always turn out the way we want. When our mom got cancer, we all prayed she would be healed. Her prayer, through the three years of fighting that dreadful disease, was a constant “for His glory”…only. Her prayer was answered in the positive, countless times. Our prayer was answered with healing in Heaven. Still, we praise God with all our hearts for how we saw Him draw near to her in the hard places. Her tender communion with God in those days was the sweetest I had ever seen in her life.
What might we see altered in this world, were it not for our prayerlessness. This week, because of my brother and othersacred turns of events, I am again reminded of great and present value of prayer. Not just in what we secure from God’s hands…but the journey with God Himself.
2) Avengers on Classical Guitar – I haven’t seen the film yet, but it’s on my summer film list. Like with other arrangements of Beyond the Guitar, I look forward to hearing this now familiar melody rise and fall in the background of the film itself. Since Nathan’s Fortnite Dances video debuted, his viewership and YouTube subscriptions have taken off. Become a subscriber or Patreon supporter to be a part of the team that guarantees we see more and more of this young classical guitarist’s creative work. His arrangement for Avengers follows:
3)Financial Security – Sociologist and elder rights advocate Dr. Brenda K. Uekert has written a fascinating piece on losing her job in her 50s and the financial safety net that got her through that time. Take the time to read her story, but here are her 6 safeguards to consider in our own financial journey.
Pay off your mortgage.
Max out retirement contributions.
Max out accumulated leave.
Be wary of dabbling in individual stocks.
Shore up your taxable accounts.
Be careful in your spending, in general.
The simplicity of this is its own brilliance. Thank you, Dr. Uekert.
4) Community – I write about community often. It’s hard for me to imagine maneuvering through this life without the constancy and care of community. For the last couple of weeks, some of us have been briefly in the life of a homeless woman who, it turns out, was just passing through Richmond. Her story had the sad markings of one who had either lost community from no fault of her own or had burned bridges with community across the years. She had to reach out to strangers because there seemed to be few else who would or could help. The margin we have to thrive in life, thanks to community, was difficult to even discern for her. I have no idea where she is right now. We did what we felt we could do, hopefully without being a toxic influence in her life…and now she has moved on.
It reminded me, all over again, how thankful I am for real and deep community. I pray that for us all.Community Group, Movement Church
5) Moms – This weekend we celebrate Mother’s Day in the US. For some, it is an uneasy day… Not all of us have had loving, nurturing moms. Not all of us have become moms…or not yet anyway. Mothering can also be a painful experience. I think of dear friends who are estranged from some of their children…and other friends who have lost children, either through miscarriage or death.
Mother’s Day can be painful. Even in the pain, celebrating mothers ever how we can is a good thing. None of us would be where we are today were it not for mothering, whether good, bad, or just imperfect.
Today I remember the two women who have had the most impact in my life as mothers, and it is all for good. My mom and Dave’s mom.
As with all of us, through the years, other women have captivated us with their love, their servant hearts, and their wisdom. I celebrate them as well.
My friend Carol Ann Lindley captured the hard and even awful when mothering didn’t happen or go as we had hoped. Read her words:
I am all for celebrating moms…I look forward to celebrating my two miracles every year. I cherish it because I waited so long. I rejoice with my friends who have endured long years of waiting and have the chance to celebrate. I am aware of some who will be missing a mom this year. Mother’s Day is special because motherhood is such a gift.
But don’t forget to look around and remember the ones who ache this Sunday because they hoped that this year would be different. The ones who watch the celebrating and remembering from a distance, hoping to join in next year. I never ever resented the celebration…I just longed for the chance to celebrate the fulfillment of my heart’s desire.
I have had some hard Mother’s Days. I have had the “maybe next year it will be me” Mother’s Days. And I have had the “I’m missing a baby that I lost” Mother’s Day. Today, I am thinking of our 3 little ones who are celebrating with a different Momma. But I am also rejoicing over God’s two miracles that I have the privilege of being Mom to.
No one said Motherhood would be easy. In fact, the journey to Motherhood is hard. The day to day mothering of littles is hard. And I’m sure I will face other hard days in the future. But it is a precious gift from God and I rejoice in it every day.
So, you Moms who are enjoying this Mothers Day. Don’t feel bad. When I was waiting, I never wanted my Mom friends to skip out on Mothers Day. Enjoy and it and give your kids extra kisses. And look around and see who you can hug and encourage. I had those people on those hard days and their acknowledgement of my “hope deferred” made all of the difference.
And you Moms who are waiting for your babies or are missing your babies. I’m with you. I know how you feel. This is a hard day. But I can promise you that God is faithful and will not waste your tears. The desire to be a Mom is a good one and you are not wrong to feel sad today or to feel like a little piece of your heart is missing. If I could hug you, I would. And I am definitely praying for you.
Here’s the verse that pretty much sums up my journey:
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.
[We’re not talking about the 2013 zombie apocalypse romantic comedy Warm Bodies, although I do like this graphic. Read on.]
Yesterday, I participated in a large community event. There must have been 50 or more volunteers making it happen over the course of the day. My volunteering was just across two hours. It was an event that included a large gathering, food for all, and lawn games for all ages afterwards. We observed and experienced the beauty of a “living organism” – a well-planned, well-executed event. Except for three paid staff, all the responsibilities were carried on the capable shoulders of volunteers.
An isolated event is one thing but it can speak to the core values of an organization’s overall care of its people. Is it just about filling a slot or making the organization look good, or is it moving everyone toward a mutually shared vision? Is it just the securing of warm bodies to feed the machine? Or is it a called, capable, and committed community of folks working together for a greater good? [See Matt Orth’s piece below].
How volunteers (and employees) are recruited and retained matters.
What made yesterday’s one-time event so successful and well-executed? This is what I observed:
A mix of event-only volunteers and longer-term volunteer leaders on point for the various activities. This made for a win-win all around. Plenty of willing helpers and lead people to guide toward success.
Clear organization and preparation allowing the volunteers to easily do what they signed on to do.
High enthusiasm – shared ownership and vision related to the event.
Multiple teams allowing for most of the volunteers to have a fixed service window of time.
Obvious valuing (by staff and leads) of the volunteers’ participation.
Writer, speaker Matt Orth wrote a piece on warm body mentality (already mentioned above) which bears a read. Orth tells a humorous story of how he fell into being a Vacation Bible School director due to the stealth of a volunteer recruiter. He defines warm body mentality(WBM) as the process whereby “a church decides what needs to happen program-wise in their church life and then they just find the Warm Bodies to make it happen”. This could relate to any organization or company. It is task or program orientation vs. person-orientation.
Orth proposes a system of volunteer recruitment that avoids a warm body mentality:
How long the commitment is for and when will they have an opportunity to step down or renew the commitment. Or if/how they can downgrade or upgrade responsibilities.
What kind of accountability they will have, who they are responsible to report to, and what the evaluation process will be.
What the time commitments are, including not just the start/end times of services/events, but what time they will be expected to be there both before and after the service/event.
All the rest of the duties spelled out whatever they may be (teaching, running sound, getting food ready, etc.) including any intangible expectations.
Give them a gracious way to say “NO.” You’re looking for volunteers who want to be there.
He recognizes the importance of having volunteers demonstrating a sense of calling, commitment, and capability. However, all of these are negotiable depending on the person… Training, casting vision, and appropriate resource equipping can move folks who currently don’t see themselves in a volunteer role toward volunteering…and not just as warm bodies.
To recruit and retain the kind of volunteers (or employees) we want depends more on us in recruiting roles…than it does on them. Showing genuine care for the individual makes such a difference in both execution of programming AND the long-term development and engagement of that person.
Give volunteers a voice and they will help you shepherd them…, and, in the end, you will a community of deeply committed people who care about the vision as much as the leaders do.
Yesterday, in the midst of all the buzz of volunteering, one of the leads announced that this was the last event for one couple to serve because they were moving out-of-state. I didn’t know them very well, but what I did know was that they always stepped up to help in whatever capacity they could. Here on their last day with this organization, they chose to spend it serving…again.
If I’d had more time yesterday, I would have loved to know more of how one comes to be like that. Some of us are natural servers, and all these seem to require is opportunity and just a bit of regard or recognition.
The rest of us may need a bit more to be successful beyond a one-time commitment. Sunday’s event for me was illuminating. How do we take what happened Sunday and grow it into something that yields thriving, committed volunteers and sustainable programming over the long-haul?
Feedback’s a good thing, right? We all want to know how we’re doing…how we’re being received?…maybe. Let’s define the term:
“Feedback is a response from the receiver that informs the sender how the communication is being received in general”. – Bizcom_coach
Here’s a scenario: excitement is high at your company with the launch of a new product. The designers and project managers have put long hours and much brain power into getting everything just right. Colleagues and customers alike are riding the wave of enthusiasm at the magnificent capabilities of the product. You’re also caught up in the moment.
In your first test drive of the new product, you find a couple of glitches you didn’t expect. In fact, it’s a little harder to maneuver than you imagined. At first you think, “Well, it’s me. Operator error.” Then you think of how a few adjustments could potentially fix the glitches and smooth out of the bumps of its user unfriendliness.
Beware of the vast wilderness of unsolicited feedback.
It’s not like this product (or program or service) was thrown together without great forethought and brilliant design. If you noted the glitches, it is most probable that others have as well. Others, who are much closer to the product than you are…much closer to its design process than you were.
A wise position to take is: If you are not asked for feedback, your feedback is not wanted. Or, a bit less personal maybe, if you are not in the already established feedback loop, then the presumed right people are already working on it. The it being whatever you’re burning to give feedback on.
Feedback and advice can mean the same thing to the receiver, whether we consider them the same or not. In fact, we may feel it’s irresponsible or indefensible to withhold feedback when it would assuredly help both the company and the customer.
Where we think feedback is warranted, the project manager or design team may have already reached a point in the process where advice is not welcome. Affirmation? Yes…but advice (or feedback), no.
Whatever our position, expertise, or personality, we will, at times, see the need for offering feedback…even when it’s clearly unwanted.
I certainly have had that experience. One has to ask the question: Is my feedback serving my own ego or my company’s outcome? If we truly believe that what we offer to the mix will make a huge difference, then we may risk offering unsolicited feedback.
There was a time…even as recently as last week, when I thought the reward would outweigh the risk. My thinking has changed (especially in seeing that feedback could be construed as a form of negativism and therefore only clouding the issue rather than clarifying it.
I offer 10 steps toward giving unsolicited feedback. Within the 10 steps there are disciplines and delays that help fine-tune both our thinking and our actions. I would appreciate your thoughts on this…your feedback (in the Comments below).
Pretend you are the project manager, the one executing the new program, product line, or service.
Tear into it. Make as exhaustive a list as you can as to both the positive and negatives you observe.
Now…set it aside…for a few minutes, or days, or forever (this is a bit tricky because feedback should be timely…but we’re talking about unsolicited feedback).
Face the reality that your feedback wasn’t requested. Let that settle your itchy finger set to send the email.
If you still can’t rest, thinking your input has merit, then choose wisely what few points of feedback you especially think would add value and warrant the risk. No more than 3.
Don’t do anything…still.
Consider who may already be at the table giving feedback. If you are not one of those people, can you trust that your concerns are already before them?Photo Credit: Commons Wikimedia
Resist the urge to gossip your feedback if you don’t feel free to give it to those appropriate to receive it.
If you can’t rest, (even while determined to trust other decision-makers and keeping your unsolicited feedback to yourself), then choose one point, one concern. Make sure it is not just style vs. substance. Also confirm that it relates to a process not a person.
Give your feedback to the right person, at the right time, and in the right way. Succintly, positively, and friendly. If it seemed that crucial to you to share what was not requested, it is done. Hopefully, the outcomes will be positive. If not, you took a risk. You did not stay silent. It could make a difference down the road. More importantly than the result is the relationship. That matters most.Photo Credit: Ken Whytock, Flickr
Again, remember, I would appreciate your feedback.
Friday! Let’s jump right in…because Friday flew by this week. Here are my favorite finds:
1) Great Neighbors – Rarely does a day go by that I’m not reminded of what excellent neighbors I have. They treat you like a long-lost friend, home for a holiday, just when you show up for a walk with them on an early morning. [Hopefully that’s not just because I don’t walk enough.] They are quick to celebrate, and even quicker to lend a hand or an ear in a crisis or hard situation. Photo Credit: Jim Casey, QuoteHD
One of our neighbors daily walks another neighbor’s dog for him while he is dealing with chemotherapy. Another regularly surprises us with special treats or whimsical gifts.Photo Credit: Rainbow Symphony Store, QTM Windchimes
The day I had surgery (and cancer would be the doctor’s news), a dear neighbor came to with with Dave for the news. Like I said… great neighbors. Do you have some great neighbors? Please use the Comments below to tell some of your stories. It’s no small thing, is it?
2) Beyond the Guitar Sheet Music – It’s been a crazy week for those of us who follow Beyond the Guitar‘s Nathan Mills. Approaching 3 million views and counting on his arrangement of Fortnite Dances on Guitar. This past week, his sheet music is now being sold on Music Notes. I’m sure it will take awhile for all his arrangements to be available, but that’s where you can find it. Check out his latest piece from the video game Monster Hunter World. I still can’t get over the lovely music in the background of video games.Photo Credit: Nathan Mills, YouTube
3) For the People – I love courtroom drama and For the People is a 2018 ABC series that has exceeded every expectation. It has a great ensemble cast and terrific writing.Photo Credit: KTUL TV
This past week’s episode had to do with mandatory minimum sentencing even for non-violent crimes. When we consider how much we are willing to pay for safety, the law today can overreach to protect that safety. We don’t even seem to mind…until, maybe, we are the ones caught in that overreach. If you aren’t watching this series, just catch this episode. I would love to hear what you think.
The snippet below is a spoiler. The acting is penetrating. The message has sparked several conversations. I believe TV like this could actually have a much-needed social impact.
"I have not done my duty as a New Yorker, as a Black American, as a father, to protect people who look like me…walk the same streets as I do…from laws that are not designed to rehabilitate, but to destroy."
4) Rising Tide Startups – My favorite podcast is Kevin Prewett‘s Rising Tide Startups. This week, his guest was criminal attorney turned chocolatier Shawn Askinosie. During the podcast, he talked about his pursuit of a midlife career change. I was fascinated by his determination to go after something meaningful…and what that meant to him. Especially given his prayer for God to just give him something else to do…anything?
Have you ever been in that situation where you know, for your own sake, you need to do something else?
I was captivated by his story and plan to start reading his book this week. You can listen to this podcast here.
5) A Different View on MLK50 Conference – My Friday Faves of the previous week included the MLK50 Conference. The messages of this conference racial reconciliation and racial unity were transforming for me, as a middle-class white woman. I am very thankful for it and now follow many of the speakers on Twitter. I want to keep learning. Following #MLK50Conference, I discovered one of the participants in the conference, Darrell B. Harrison. He is an African American and a theologian. He did not agree with all the language/messaging used at the conference. I was actually caught off guard by his take on the conference.
In a related situation, two groups of people in my life cannot agree on a direction. It is heartbreaking for me to watch them go through this. They both have good reasons for their thinking. That is how Harrison’s view has affected my thinking this week. I continue to greatly value the content of the MLK50 Conference. Now, Darrell Harrison, in his writing and podcasting, has brought another argument to the table. Both sides are riveting and thought-provoking. His podcast on this topic is here. In a way, it is not easy to listen to…especially since I’m still so close to the MLK50 Conference. Just a different, studied, and thought-provoking viewpoint. So grateful to know him now, too. I still have a way to go on the journey toward racial reconciliation…and I want to get there…wherever “there” is.
Who ever aspires to become negative? No one out there wants to be considered a Negative Nancy, or, get this, a Debbie Downer. Sheesh.
The fact that there are names for people who struggle with negativism shows they are not fun to be around, even laughable for some. We stir up little compassion for the person inside of that moniker and what might have gotten them there.
Negativism happens by degree…with time and practice.
Even the Eeyores in our lives, those darksome brooding outsiders, have our sympathy, even affection. We allow that they can’t help their personalities. It’s just how they are. Except for our Eeyore colleagues, friends and family members, we communicate little time or patience for negativism. In fact, we default to our culture’s no-skin-in-the-game of “you’re better off without them around you”.
Well…give yourself time. With enough life experiences and bumps along the journey, you might find yourself becoming that “grumpy old man”. Without even being aware it’s happening.Photo Credit: Pixabay, Peter ZieglerPhoto Credit: Flickr, Paul Waite
You can probably tell I care about this.
Not so long ago, people in my life considered me almost Pollyannaish (determined to be positive about everything that happens; always refusing to think ill of others). I still want to be that person, to be honest. Unfortunately…a few rough hits happened.
Abruptly having to leave a country through circumstances beyond our control. Our home, our friends there. [That story is for another day.] Watching family members go through extreme hard times. Having to leave a church we loved. [Also another story.] Retiring earlier than I wanted. Living day-to-day with this incredible man who has experienced more loss than he imagined or that others really know…squeezed into a few years. I could go on…but then you’d know I’m at risk of becoming a Debbie Downer.
[If you think it’s already happened…I refuse that…because it is not really who I am.]
Our kids have always been taught not to hold court in judging whether something’s fair or not. We did not want to raise a bunch of fairness police. However, we have had numerous round tables over whether something is right or not…and if not, what might our role be in righting a wrong.
The biggest initiator of flipping negativism is figuring out how to respond to something that is just wrong. At home. At work. In our community. In the world.
If you are struggling with negativism, is it because you believe something is just not right?
You could be entirely correct about what is terribly wrong. Unfortunately, if you find you can’t fix what’s broken, then what can be altered are your own relationships, health, and well-being. Either toward the negative… Photo Credit: Pixabay
…or, hopefully, toward the positive.Photo Credit: Skilled Impact
[For those struggling right now with negativism…or maybe not struggling anymore but just living negative at the moment: remember what it was like before when your life was more like the caped crusader in the above image?]
We can flip our negativity to positive but it takes great effort… especially if we’re so drained from it, we can hardly get out of our own way. Just getting the job done or barely maintaining the relationship. This is understandable given what negativism takes out of a person over time. Photo Credit: Pixabay
[That’s one of the reasons I feel strongly about how others respond to it because they don’t see the toll it takes on the individual experiencing it. Not judging here, because I have been exhausted by someone else’s negativism as well. Just more understanding now… having gone through it and seeing those I love slog through it.]
As this has been weighing on my mind recently, I’ve done a fair amount of reading on the topic. There is no small amount of writing about it. Very helpful pieces are linked below. My takeaways are bulleted with the link below it (take time to read more if you will, because I’ll be leaving a lot of great advice out of the bullet points).
Flipping Negative to Positive:
Don’t allow yourself to complain unless you also offer one or two possible solutions. Use complaining as a catalyst for positive change.
Be aware of the external environment, but don’t let it consume you.
Practice the art of “zoom focusing.” Tune out the negative voices, focus in on your choices, and start getting things done.
View your life as an inspirational tale, not a horror movie.
Make a gratitude list and start a success journal.
Psychologists link negative thinking to depression, anxiety, chronic worry and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Almost all human beings contend with it — even those born with a positive outlook.
It’s because of the way our brains are constructed. Our amygdala and limbic system are built to notice threats, to protect our survival. Today, the same parts of our brain are active even when physical threats are minimal. The threats we deal with today are more cognitive — involving finances, whether we’re loved, whether we’re succeeding at work. They can set our hearts racing. That’s why we can panic on a Sunday night just thinking about work.
Rather than change the way you think, I recommend changing your relationship to your thoughts. Those thoughts that are negative are more likely to capture our awareness, or become “sticky.”
I recommend learning to watch your thoughts, rather than engaging with them. Practicing mindfulness can take you away from the thinking experience.
Mindfulness helps us program in ourselves a sense of that which is right. We can systematically notice what’s going well in the present. We can notice something favorable about each person we encounter. Words of admiration help us notice the rightness of things.
A problem can only be resolved if someone brings attention to it but if you don’t plan to be constructive, keep your thoughts to yourself.
If you, however, would like to be, known as a problem solver instead of a complainer, speak up. If you do it the right way, you will make a positive change that could do a lot to improve your work environment. Rather than raising your boss’s ire, you may instead be the recipient of his or her appreciation.
It takes a real effort a lot of the time to concentrate on the positive. I know there’s a direct link to positive thoughts and success. I have read about it, studied it, and tried to live it most of my adult life.
[Again, the articles in full have more helpful info…when you have the time or inclination to read further. At the end are two links to HR and supervisors/managers.]
My own small observations (beyond the above excellent points):
If the workplace itself is fueling negativism, do what you can to shakeup where you work. Try a different venue for day-to-day work. Traveling can be a tremendous help (if you can financially and strategically make it happen – for yourself and others). Working remotely doesn’t fix what’s hard but it dilutes contact and interaction with what’s hard.
If others have judged you by this current season of life and don’t want to work with you, don’t let that deter you from your purpose. Mend relationships if you can. If not, embrace the “what is” in your life, and celebrate the healthy relationships you have and pursue work you love, wherever you can make a difference.
Stay in the present moment. The past, distant or recent, is where your negativism was birthed. The future either strikes more fear in your heart or stirs hope (as in a job change or some other imagined change) that you can’t be sure is real. For this moment, stay at task, nurture your current relationships, focus in.
An expression floating around the internet lately goes something like this:
“What you practice, you get very good at.”
As that relates to negativism, do we really want to get good at that? No. In fact, practice doesn’t always make us good at something. We can practice unhelpful, unhealthy habits and they can become ingrained….even permanent…unless we intentionally do the work to reverse them. Photo Credit: QuoteFancy
Where are you in all this? Please comment below. It would be helpful for us to hear from each other. This is a safe place.
Negativism is contagious, but so is positivity. Both have their own satisfactions. There may come a day that the new-honed habit of negativism turns on us and we see if for the robber it is. Then the work will begin to turn our lives around…before it’s too much damage is done.
If you don’t currently struggle with negativism, take note of those around you who do struggle. This is not something (or someone) to just avoid…this is someone who even the Apostle Paul determined to help…
“Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable–if there is any moral excellence and if there is any praise–dwell on these things.” – Philippians 4:8
The LORD is near the brokenhearted; he saves those crushed in spirit. – Psalm 34:18
He heals the broken in heart, and binds up their wounds. – Psalm 147:3
The Spirit of the Lord GOD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent me to heal the brokenhearted… – Isaiah 61:1
You know how to break a kid’s heart? Uproot him from his friends and the familiar, and move him far away to a new and strange place. Then over the course of a childhood, move him/them several more times – not just between cities and states, but countries and continents.
Because of Dave’s work, our children went through these heartbreaks of life. With every move, we would sit by their beds as they cried out their hearts at losing friends and packing up their lives. You can imagine how their tears mimicked my own grownup Photo Credit: Max Pixel
emotions, tucked deep inside. Less visible…but still there. I could feel them more through the sharp ache of our children’s grief.
What was even more profound than their heartbreak (and I sure hope they remember this) was the peace…and even joy…that came after. The grace of God gently rubbed onto their wounded hearts and weary little bodies. Prayers of their parents answered. A loving, all-knowing heavenly Father who came alongside in their sorrow…and ours.
We have all experienced broken hearts…wounds that shape our lives and responses to others…and to God. Men and women, as well as children. We women don’t struggle at least in using words for what breaks our hearts. For men, it seems they bury that sort of pain deep…and move on. Albeit changed.Photo Credit: Pixabay
Having grown up with all brothers and now married over 30 years, mothering sons, I have seen men close to me wrestle with wounded hearts. Disappointment, bewilderment at betrayal, loss. We, as women, want to make it all better…we probably have no idea really how deep hurt goes for our men. They are excellent in disguising and disregarding pain…bearing it too often alone.Photo Credit: Pixabay
Then the women in our lives come to mind. We friends and sisters, mothers and daughters…we get it. Partly because we’ve experienced wounded hearts together. Loneliness. Infertility. Miscarriage. Loss of a child or widowhood. Unfaithfulness in marriage. Betrayal of a friend. Powerlessness at work. Insignificance. We talk together about these things…and yet, it’s probably just the tip of the iceberg of what goes on in our thoughts alone, and into the night.Photo Credit: Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay
When our hearts are wounded or downright broken, we pull away. Who, after all, wants to be around someone grieving?…we figure.
In my own life, and as I’ve watched others regain their equilibrium and return back to life and place, one constant has been clear.
Jesus is the friend of a wounded heart. We can lean in and lean hard on him. Even with small faith. Without any judgment.
The Scripture reminds us of the truth when we see there’s nowhere else to go…once we’ve been with Jesus. During a time of great persecution for Jesus and his disciples, there were those followers who counted the cost and left him. When he asked those closest to him if they would leave, too,
Simon Peter answered, “Lord, to whom will we go? You have the words of eternal life. – John 6:68
Another favorite account for me is that of the woman accused of adultery and facing those who would stone her to death. Jesus intervened with the captivating statement: “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” That woman, that day, found mercy…in the presence of Jesus. May it be so for all of us.
Rest in God alone, my soul, for my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold; I will not be shaken. My salvation and glory depend on God; my strong rock, my refuge, is in God. Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts before Him. God is our refuge. – Psalm 62:5-8
The song that came to mind and birthed this Worship Wednesday was written for an album 30 years ago.It is Wayne Watson‘s Friend of a Wounded Heart.
When Watson talks about Jesus as friend…it is far from the casualness of some in our culture today. This friend Jesus is Savior friend – one who will never leave or forsake us. He knows our deepest pains and greatest joys. He keeps watch over us in dark times and he celebrates without reservation in our joys and victories – no matter how small or large. Jesus will be our constant in this roller coaster of life…if we let him in and lean on him.
Smile, make them think you’re happy
Lie, and say that things are fine
And hide that empty longing that you feel
Don’t ever show it, just keep your heart concealed
Why are the days so lonely?
I wonder where, where can a heart go free?
And who will dry the tears that no one sees?
There must be someone to share your silent dreams
Caught like a leaf in the wind
Looking for a friend, where can you turn?
Whisper the words of a prayer
And you’ll find Him there, arms open wide, love in His eyes
CHORUS
Jesus, He meets you where you are
Oh, Jesus, He heals your secret scars
All the love you’re longing for is Jesus
The friend of a wounded heart
Joy, comes like the the morning
Hope, deepens as you grow
And peace, beyond the reaches of your soul
Comes blowing through you, for love has made you whole*
Tears may flow in the night, but joy comes in the morning. – Psalm 30:5
I pray we can also be hands and feet of Christ for one another in woundedness and brokenness. Watch for these precious hurting ones in your workplace, church, and community…lean in and come alongside. Hopefully, they will see this Jesus in you.
[In the links below you will also find the versions performed by Damaris Carbaugh (with the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir) and by Avalon. Enjoy. I’m thankful we have them on YouTube because this song is little-sung today…although we need the message as much as ever. It’s one of those songs and messages which draws my arms up in praise…every time I hear it. Thank You, Jesus, for being the friend to our wounded hearts.]
Photo Credit: Aspen Ideas Festival
