In everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. – 1 Thessalonians 5:18
It’s Fall, Y’all! My favorite season (here in the US). Now…as for holidays: my favorite holiday is Christmas followed by Thanksgiving, as a close second.
Family, family, family. That’s what it’s about for me. Those two holidays bring families together for all that comes with family gathering…the lovely, the crazy, and the memory-savoring and making.
Yet what brings us all together is the reason for those holidays: 1) celebrating the birth of Jesus, our Savior, and 2) thanks giving for all the good in our lives, Him being at the top of the list.
Most of us have an order to these celebrations – first Thanksgiving (US Thanksgiving) in November followed by Christmas in December. I try to keep that order, except for one thing.
Christmas music starts around here in October. Sacred and secular. There is just a wealth of music from so many years past and right up to latest releases this month. If you love the nostalgia of Christmas music and the richness of the lyrics of many of those songs, then you may be one of us (tuning to it much earlier than most).
This album has something for everyone. Quirky new songs about elves and Mrs. C. (which when you hear the song could also refer to Mrs. Crowder and not Mrs. Claus). Then you’ll hear some beautiful standards as only Crowder and friends can do them. Finally, included in the album, are original songs glorifying Christ and pointing us to all we have in Him. Powerful!
The album is unique in its production having an ethereal feel of a vinyl record, including some brief narration sounding like it could have come from a film like It’s a Wonderful Life.
So the track above is the first track on the album, but the one below fits the blending of Thanksgiving and Christmas. It’s early, I get it…but don’t miss this album, and don’t miss the sweet messages of the song “Thanks Giver”.
It’s getting cold
I’m driving home
On interstate 3-0
It’s getting cold
I’m driving home
On interstate 3-0
It’s getting cold
I’m driving home
On interstate 3-0
It’s getting cold
I’m driving home
On interstate 3-0
Mama’s calling, “Where you at?”
The turkey’s almost done
I hang up the phone, tear in my eye
Moments like these I realize
God You’re so good to me
You make joy out of simple and ordinary things You fill life up with stories I’d never think to dream So this holiday I wanna praise The One who’s making a saint Out of this sinner The One who’s turned me into this thanks giver
Just took the pumpkins off the porch
The wreath is on my door
There’s something sacred ’bout the time
Of year when You were born
The Street’s alive, it’s Christmas again
But moments like these, hope I don’t forget
God You’re so good to me
You make joy out of simple and ordinary things
You fill life up with stories I’d never think to dream
So this holiday
I wanna praise
The One who’s making a saint
Out of this sinner
The One who’s turned me into this thanks giver
Thank You for this life and all the joy that’s in this heart
For when I get to hug my dad and punch my brother in the arm
Thank You for the grace I know I’ll never have to earn
All because You chose to come down here and save this crazy world
You make joy out of simple and ordinary things
You fill life up with stories I’d never think to dream
So this holiday
I wanna praise
The One who’s making a saint
Out of this sinner
The One who’s turned me into this thanks giver
You’re the reason You’re the reason Why I’m a thanks giver
Just last night I was confronted again with one of the tolls of the COVID epidemic. That toll being a physical isolation that has grown into a lingering social isolation. A friend texted me about her sense of feeling disconnected, even unseen, in the midst of her church community, of all places. She is reaching out but has not yet found her people. I tried to encourage her to keep reaching out and she would eventually find those friends, that connection for which she is longing. This isolation, this loneliness, is something I, too, was fighting against and occasionally successful.
She told me this had to be my next blog (title) and so it is…although I don’t have answers…but will share what I’m learning from my own journey and from wise others.
“Here’s what we do: We spend hours alone in our crowded, noisy, screen-lit worlds, we invest only sporadic time with acquaintances, and then we expect close friends to somehow appear in our busy lives.” – Jennie Allen, author of Find Your People: Building Deep Community in a Lonely World
Being retired from my usual work has afforded me much discretionary time…time which can be lavished on others or on disciplines like study, prayer, and writing. Too often…this time on my hands has taken me to places too quiet…where I get lost in my thoughts. That is an excellent description of this loneliness that comes from isolation.
We think too much maybe. Get lost in those thoughts and become slow to respond. Instead of going after friends, we wonder where those friends are…is it us? Is it them? We look for reasons for the unsought solitude we find ourselves in yet we can’t seem to fight off the sluggishness of too-long isolation. We text instead of call. We do electronic meetings instead of face-to-face ones. We cling to smaller rhythms instead of restoring larger lives.
OK…is that just my issue? I don’t think so. The phrase “new normal”, no longer in vogue, is a misnomer. It deludes us into a posture of waiting…rather than seizing on what’s right in front of us. Whatever is the present normal…that is what we have. This present normal.
This present that we have is fleeting, temporary…but the people around us are not. Yet, relationships require some level of intentionality. A wise counselor once told us, during a season of multiple moves for work, to “put down your roots as deeply as you can – wherever you are”. COVID mediation has pushed us toward shallow relationships. We don’t want to miss people in the dullness of this odd season.
My beautiful friend above is already on the way to an answer to her loneliness because she is recognizing the “what’s not right” about her current situation and she’s not holding on to the status quo. That is forward motion right there. I am hopeful for her and for myself.
“Friendships change.” Following you will find Kampakis’ 10 thoughts (abbreviated from her blog) on the struggle – written for middle school girls but applicable to any of us. Especially as we face loneliness and isolation and want to either jump-start or strengthen our friendships:
1. It’s normal for friendships to evolve and change.
2. Everything will be okay. – Be patient, pray for good friends, and pray to be a good friend.
3. Rather than focus on finding the right friends, concentrate on being the right friend. – When you treat people well, you’ll attract friends who treat you well too. By holding yourself to high standards, becoming the friend you wish to find, and choosing to be an encourager rather than a critic, you set yourself up for positive and long-lasting relationships.
4. Even when you find your “people”, always leave room at the table to invite someone new in. – Kampakis lamented: “One regret I have from high school and college is not reaching out more beyond my circle and letting God open the door to unexpected blessings.”
5. Love your friends well, but keep a loose grip. Give them space to explore new friendships and explore new friendships yourself.
6.Remember that everyone is learning and gradually maturing. Just because you don’t click with someone now doesn’t mean you won’t click later.
7. The biggest friendship killers are jealousy, comparison, insecurity, and fear – fear of rejection, fear of being left out, and fear of being alone. Acting on these emotions can turn you into someone you’re not. – By being aware of your negative emotions yet learning the self-control to not act on them.
8. Form your own opinions about people, and don’t believe everything you hear. – Treat everyone like a friend until they give you a good reason not to, and when possible, give people the benefit of the doubt.
9. Know the difference between committed friends and casual friends. – Committed friends are the kind you carry through life. They have your back and will stand in your corner even if they’re your last friends standing. Casual friends are the kind you have for a season of life, maybe a few seasons.
10. Be kind, and keep in mind that kindness is more important than popularity.
Those 10 points were written for middle schoolers. It was a great reminder to me of the sweet simplicity of pursuing friendship. Both in rekindling neglected relationships and sparking new ones.
The world won’t all of a sudden become warm and welcoming…but I am ready to stretch again. It feels almost like a hungry bear coming out of a long hibernation. It’s possible to shake off the sleep of shallow relationships. To be more present with people – not just on my terms but open to enter into their space…both heart and head.
Life does not stand still for us. I have friends and family that are dear to me and yet we rarely see each other. Do we think that is going to happen somewhere down the road? Magically? There’s a place for urgency in dealing with the habitual loneliness we have come to know in recent months. My friend above is taking steps as am I. Cautiously, awkwardly…but occasionally successfully.
How about you? What’s your story? [Comment below.]
[Sidebar: If you’ve read this whole piece and wondered what’s the issue because you have great friendships – current and satisfying – maybe see Kampakis’ #4 again. “Leave room at the table for someone new.” Don’t circle the wagons. If you are basking in the experience of an inner circle, turn around – someone who may need you, or you them, may be just outside. Invite her in.. New friendships can be costly but the benefits are worth the expense and the risk. *]
Psalm 118 – it was the focus of my devotional reading over the last few days. Not unusual in the Psalms, several attributes of God were repeated in this great chapter. Not only His character but how His character draws us out in utter worship and awe.
These repeated phrases reminded me of my days in church youth camp (as a camper and a counselor). All of us sitting around a smoky fire pit, someone with a guitar, and us singing familiar choruses. Camp songs often have repeated phrases, driving the truths of who God is into our youthful hearts. Those songs are still with me today… along with newer worship songs using less repetition…no need. As older believers, we know personally the enduring faithfulness of God and His unfailing love.
Below you will find (bulleted) the repeated phrases from Psalm 118. The writer isn’t given, but it sounds like King David. Ever praising God for His deliverance, vanquishing the enemy.
When we feel the squeeze of our circumstances, as David must have, we cry out to God and He delivers us to freedom. Even freedom from our sins…thanks to Christ Jesus.
Let’s take a moment and reflect on these points of praise (links to songs if you’d like to use them as part of this time – both newer songs and some old church camp classics).
“Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good! His faithful love endures forever.” – Psalm 118:1, 29
YouTube Video – You Are My Hiding Place – Selah [Years ago, when Dave and I were first dating, we would sit at the piano and sing this one together. It was as much our song as the one that became our couple song (“I Only Have Eyes for You” – in case you would wonder.)
“I destroyed them all with the authority of the Lord [in the name of the Lord].”– Psalm 118:10, 12, 13
“The strong right arm of the Lord has done glorious things!” – Psalm 118:15-16
YouTube Video – Jon Reddick – God, Turn It Around (Feat. Matt Maher) – couldn’t find a worship song for this passage. This is just a beautiful reminder of His sovereignty. Someone needs to write such a song for “the strong right arm of the Lord”. If you know one, please comment its title/link below.
I’d like to close with a part of Psalm 118 – verses that weren’t repeated but are so strong they make their own anthem to a God of love who is worthy to be praised with all our hearts:
“I will not die; instead I will live to tell what the LORD has done:
…The stone that the builders rejected has now become the cornerstone. This is the Lord’s doing. and it is wonderful to see. This is the day the LORD has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it.” – Psalm 118:17, 22-24
Until the day we do die and enter our Heavenly Home, we have this witness, this Gospel message. God, through Christ, made a way to restore us to Himself. This day! This day Jesus paid our sin debt with His own life. This day God made. This was His doing…and in this day, we will rejoice and be glad! Hallelujah!
Praise the Lord, all you nations. Praise him, all you people of the earth. For his unfailing love for us is powerful; the Lord’s faithfulness endures forever.– Psalm 117
My childhood memories have gaps. A year ago, I began exploring the possibilities that there were memories being kept hidden in my brain. Reading and working through the three books of Christian psychiatrist Curt Thompson moved me to consider the power of shame in keeping my memories silent. Dr. Thompson encourages his clients (and book readers) to write down our life stories, in long-hand. Journaling the decades. Especially working on recalling our childhood. Bringing those memories into the light.
My preschool years are still mostly devoid of memories. My mom had told me later that our rarely employed biological father neglected us such that she had to employ a babysitter daily while she worked. Even though he was home. Whether neglect is abusive or not, I have no recallable memories of my father from those years. Mom divorced him by the time I was 6.
In doing the exercise of writing out my life, one childhood memory that I was able to re-remember started out happy. It was a neighborhood “garden party”. I was maybe 7 or 8. These so-called garden parties were a gathering of family and friends to process the harvest of large vegetable gardens – for canning and freezing. Those who came enjoyed lively conversations, engaging stories, and finally a large meal together. The adults were caught up in the moment, and the children wandered in and out…and farther away.
I’m not sure who all ended up with me in a large barn some distance away from the home of our hosts. In that barn, an older boy (trigger, sorry) talked me into letting him touch me in inappropriate ways.
I had put that memory far back in my mind.
In remembering it, I also recalled telling my mom that evening and her taking action by going to talk to the parents of that boy. That’s where it ended, I believe.
Later in my childhood, I would discover my older brother’s (I suppose) hidden stash of pornographic magazines. [We didn’t have internet pornography in those days, and this sort of perusing seemed an expected coming-of-age pastime.] Page after page of naked or scantily clothed women in sexually provocative poses. Even as a pre-teen, it drew me in, even though it felt dirty and shameful. I don’t think I understood the power of taking such images into my brain. It is what pornography does and why it is so toxic.
[Could this sort of pornography be a launch-pad for girls who, seeing those images, become sexually aroused, then thinking they might be same-sex attracted? Especially if it happened today in our current culture…I wonder.]
Being exposed to pornography as a child isn’t abuse, of course, but it forces an unhealthy peering into an adult world. I wish I hadn’t stumbled on it and hope parents take seriously the availability of porn on the internet. OK…done with that topic.
At the age of 13, my parents invited a young co-worker of my step-dad’s for a cookout. He must have been 18 or 19. He stayed long into the evening. I have no idea what my parents were thinking at the time (and they were excellent parents), but they went to bed and he was still there. This seemed to set up a green light for him, and he became very aggressive physically. My 13-year-old sensibility was at first enthralled at his interest in me and then frightened, too timid to cry out or get away. If my older brother hadn’t returned early from a date, and sent him on his way, I’m not really sure where that would have ended. So thankful for my brother that night.
Where does abuse begin? Did it start with the neglect of a father? Even with an incredibly loving and supportive mom, she couldn’t be everywhere all the time. Was I vulnerable to the attention of boys (and men) growing up because of a father who started out uncaring and became increasingly absent (don’t remember seeing him ever again after my early childhood years). Even with the love of a dear step-father, did I struggle with needing approval, wanting to feel special, absorbing the very adult messaging of pornography geared toward adult men?
[I’ll stop my story here for now.]
My extended family has known the searing pain of abuse. The abuse of power, the deceitfulness of sin (protecting the perpetrator), the isolation that comes with shame, and the complicit nature of silence.
In fact, with the statics (of sexual abuse alone), in the US, we’re talking as many as 1 in 4 girls are sexually abused by the age of 10 and 1 in 6 boys.
How do we respond to abuse? How do we even consider such atrocities? Put aside sexual abuse for a moment. It comes in many different ways.
Dr. Henry Cloud, in his book Changes That Heal, talks about the role of crossing personal boundaries in abuse…when people step over a line, a boundary, wounding another person.
“The essence of boundaries and limits is knowing what we own and what we do not own…when we do not own ourselves as separate people from the ones we are bonded to, we develop unclear boundaries, and we allow people to cross those boundaries when we should be saying no”. – Dr. Henry Cloud, Changes That Heal
One thing we could all assess within ourselves is our own understanding of personal boundaries – where we stop and another person starts. Abuse can happen with overreach (in parenting, marriage, friendships, and the workplace) or a lack of understanding or ownership of our own personhood.
This boundary breach leading to abuse can happen with strangers, but, more often than not, it happens with people we know – parents and children, spouses, other family members, trusted teachers or clergy.
Abuse can be subtle…still with the impact of intimidation or silencing. Even something we are all familiar – the silent treatment – is its own form of abuse.
I’m not going to cover what we need to do comprehensively in handling abuse. Resources abound in this area. However, my work on memories coming back to light (and processing them as an adult, not as a child) helped me understand some attitudes and behavior that affect my sense of self and relationships today.
So in brief, I would say:
Do a journey of self-discovery (with a counselor or trusted friend) – examining and reframing painful childhood (or early adulthood) memories.
If abuse is still a part of your current life – get what distance you can from it, as you develop coping skills to protect yourself but also the generations coming after you. Building forever boundaries between you and that person/those persons can be its own abuse. It is a stop-gap measure and still holds the abused in bondage to the abuser.
Don’t be silent. Talk to someone. Tell your story.
For those who suspect abuse in another, don’t be complicit in the abuse, by your silence. Prayerfully, carefully, come alongside the abused. If you have a relationship with the abuser, reason with that person, if you can.
Isolation is a product of shame for the abused and the abuser. It also works to keep the abused more vulnerable. Shame, isolation, and secrecy. Don’t ignore isolation (even in these post-pandemic days when it may be harder to detect). Be vigilant in surveilling those in your circles – your family, neighborhood, workplace, and friend group.
Finally, be aware of “vicarious trauma” – for those helping, caring, mentoring persons – experiencing a secondary trauma because of your leaning in and coming close to the trauma of another. You may need help from another as well, choosing not to leave the room but needing support yourself.
1) Beyond the Guitar Medleys – Music themes can fill us with such emotion – deep nostalgia about a shared experience, a memorable adventure, or a sweet story. Really great soundtracks often have several themes that draw us in and take us back. Nathan Mills, at Beyond the Guitar, has arranged and performed some lovely medleys from such music scores. Here are some of them (5 faves for Friday) and the rest are at the bottom of today’s blog:
2) Life Online – Obviously, if you’re reading this, then you’re online. The thing is, our lives have been greatly enhanced by the benefits of technology. We do, from time to time, need to revisit our habits which might include time spent online and for what purposes.
So much has been written already about the downside of screen-time and the prevalence of smartphone addiction. The distractions, mental laziness, shallow thinking, almost communication.
My husband got his first smartphone for work around 2005 or after. The rest of our family slowly moved in that direction.
I personally spend way too much time online. Sometimes for positive outcomes, sometime just because it has become knee-jerk…a time-filler. It’s what I do now unfortunately. When I used to carry a book around in my purse.
“The same chemicals are released in your brain when you get a text message as when you drink an alcoholic beverage, smoke a cigarette or gamble. What in essence is happening is we’re allowing children from 6 to 10 years of age access to our liquor cabinet when we give them a smartphone. They’re constantly texting so they’re continually getting high.” – John Gatica
John Gatica is an educator, and his observations regarding children and neuroscience are sobering. Now not all texts are happy for adults, but the addiction phenomenon still holds true.
Our phones give the illusion of presence…and good. We are doing “good” with a text to a friend or family member – a text taking the place of a full-on “showing up”. Social media have grown a forest over our sleepy selves where we become lazy and reactive (mildly or harshly depending on the subject matter).
Now I’ll take a text over no contact. What the concern here is more what is happening to us when our online life is more real to us than our actual face-to-face, with skin-on, encounters with people… What’s going on in our brains long-term? Something to think about.
3) Late Summer – My sweet husband’s garden is all a tangle now. The vegetables are finishing up, and the flowers, though still beautiful, are winding down. As the feel of Fall teases us in the early mornings, I wanted to capture, once again, for your enjoyment and my own, some of this not-to-be-undone late summer garden of ours. Please post some of your own beauties below.
4) Older Generation – Just want to give a quick shout-out to the older generation – our parents and others who have graced our lives with wisdom, beauty, humor and Godly values.
When our children gather around our table, I realize we are fast becoming the older generation. We have one precious mom left this side of Heaven and hopefully she will be with us for many years more. I am thankful for her – and all I’ve learned from her over the years… Hopefully our own adult children and the grands will take every opportunity to lean in to her wisdom and love. We are a bit of an “old soul” family and I’m thankful for each one in this family.
“But I know people who as children had their grandparents’ memories in their memories, so that in a sense, as young people they had old minds. They had a kind of seasoning.” Wendell Berry, 1973 [Source undetermined]
So here’s just a bit of gratitude for the older generations…those who give us a glimpse into the future which can seem too dark at times, and yet with faith in a good God and a love that holds us together, we take hope. Thankful for three sweet parents who have gone on ahead…and for MomMom still very much with us, encouraging us always.
Do you have the pleasure and great good of the company of “olders”?
5) Friendship – Friendships have always come easy for me and I’m thankful. A few years back, I read Scott Sauls‘ book Befriend. It was both affirming and convicting as the realization that friendship, like marriage, takes nurturing…more than maybe I was giving. Then 2020 happened and the Coronavirus wreaked havoc on relationships, isolating us from one another.
Fast forward to 2022, and I find myself very much needing Jennie Allen‘s latest book Find Your People. Oddly, her online study (shades of COVID Zoom calls) drew me to the book. Finishing the study this coming week, I now want to take her counsel in finding my people.
Allen talks about how we can quite accidentally just stop investing in relationships. Our post-COVID culture has pushed us into even more independence and self-reliance than we had before. We isolate without even thinking about it and our days move quietly on.
Maybe that isn’t your experience…so hang in there with me.
Allen reflects back on how life through the ages flourishes within community. More a village experience than whatever it is we have today. People know each other and they are invested in each other. She lists out the realities necessary for healthy community:
Proximity
Transparency
Accountability (real connection)
Shared Mission
Consistency
It’s out of this realm that true friendship grows. Spending time together. Being our real selves. Allowing others to speak into our lives. Teaming together for a greater good. Showing up again and again.
These are the basic elements of community…and friendship.
If you are experiencing the loneliness of untended friendships, Allen’s book will help. If you just can’t put another book in your queue right now, at least consider what’s going on in your friendships. I’m not talking about acquaintanceships either. Deep, beautiful, lasting friendships.
[The liturgy below doesn’t really focus on friendship, but it speaks to hospitality which also took a hit with COVID. A beautiful prayer.]Photo Credit: Tiffany Holden, Facebook, Rabbit Room Chinwag
1) Beyond the Guitar Nostalgia – How about all the feels from musical themes of favorite old movies? That’s what happens for us when Nathan arranges and performs themes from films we love.
While he takes a brief hiatus from his usual YouTube channel to focus on other work, only we Patreon subscribers get to hear the latest (subscribe). He is creating some new instructional content which makes me want to learn classical guitar. In this bit of time in the interim, I decided to highlight some of his arrangements already appreciated by 500k-plus YouTube subscribers. Enjoy. Oh, and comment below a favorite song of yours that he arranges/performs.
2) Parents & Adult Children – If we have grandchildren, then we have adult children. Loving them both in ways they understand is a crucial part of our life journey. This week I came across 3 excellent and empowering articles by author, counselor Dennis Rainey. If you want to parent adult children well, these articles have wise and applicable counsel for you. You adult children might enjoy them as well. The articles are linked below along with a couple of others that are also treasures.
Sometimes, we can be hard on our adult children. Too many demands or expectations. I’m sure I’m not alone with bringing my own vision into the present of what our family would look like, all grown-up with little ones. To be honest, they can also be hard on us (without even realizing it). However, what’s more important? The people in these relationships! Full-stop. Our kids have their own sharp learning curves of life without pressure from mom and dad to bend in our direction. It’s enough to see them when we can and cheer them on in their own new life configurations. If they make choices we would not make…it doesn’t change the love. Remember they also deal with the choices we make.
Read the articles. You’ll be glad you did.
“Life is a pilgrimage of learning, a voyage of discovery, in which our mistaken views are corrected, our distorted notions adjusted, our shallow opinions deepened and some of our vast ignorances diminished.” – John Stott
Alison Wright‘s The Death of the Family Gathering – We’re in a season when extended family gatherings are rare, happening over a funeral or wedding. My birth family never did reunions but they always looked so fun. We would, from time to time, gather at grandparents at the same time, but it was never planned. Wright’s article touched my heart. We work to make family dinners happen once a month and a family vacation each year. Worth the battle with busy schedules.
3) Welcome to Holland – This goes out to you who are parents, siblings, extended family or friends of children/adults with special needs or medical complexities. A friend introduced me this week to “Welcome to Holland”, a beautiful essay by Emily Perl Kingsley. My friend has a medically complex child, and so did I.
“Did” only because he is grown now. When he was little, he had major struggles and still has some of the aftermath of those struggles and always will.
When Dan came home to us through adoption, we knew he would have his challenges, but you’re never prepared for the twists and turns of that through childhood and into adulthood. With all the trips to doctors and therapists, meetings with teachers, and one-on-one times with him as the topic, there was still his joy that kept us marveling at this wonder.
He was an incredibly exuberant kid and seemed far less bothered by his struggles than we were.
A friend, years ago, asked us, regarding Dan, “What’s it like to have a ticker tape parade thrown for you, every time he sees you?”
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability – to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this……
When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The flight attendant comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”
“Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”
But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…. and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills….and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy… and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away… because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But… if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things … about Holland.
4) Food Fit for Memory-Making – Writing for the last two weeks has been on the back burner. We’ve been traveling, seeing friends, and enjoying great food as part of those experiences. Now that we’re back home, eating to live more than living to eat will have to be restored to the daily.
However, can I just celebrate great food for a moment. The images below take us back, just the last two weeks, to food shared with friends in beautiful spaces. An anniversary was celebrated and Dave got his Butterfinger Blizzard – a twice-a-year indulgence which never disappoints.
My mom’s cooking has settled deep in my memories since she’s been in Heaven for 20 years now. Nothing like her biscuits and gravy, Thanksgiving dinners, and vegetable soup and cornbread. Sweet memories of her and the food she prepared. Memories imprinted by food shared together.
The memories we’ve made recently, accompanied by food, will suffice for now. Bonappétit .
Shyndigz – a local desserterie. Their fresh fruit cake has always been my favorite UNTIL they’ve recently introduced a Tres Leches cake. Once a month it will tempt me for sure…so amazingly good!
5) Boundaries that Define Us – All my adult life, I have struggled with (and been known by) being fuzzy-boundaried. Easy-going, fairly amicable, not very demanding. Then recently, on more than one occasion, friends have asked me about my preferences and desires in life. What do you like to do? What do you want to accomplish these days? How do you fill your day? What are your goals? Hopes? Dreams?
I stuttered…trying to answer. It seems much of my life has been spent bending toward helping, serving, pleasing others…That is NOT a bad thing, but to not be able to come up with answers to the above questions really got me puzzling about my own self-awareness.
Presently I’m reading a book that may very well help me get to those answers. It is Dr. Henry Cloud‘s Changes That Heal. His chapter on Boundaries has me stopped in my tracks.
“Boundaries, in a broad sense, are lines or things that mark a limit, or border. In a psychological sense, boundaries are the realization of our own person apart from others. This sense of separateness forms the basis of personal identity. It says what we are and what we are not, what we will choose and what we will not choose, what we will endure and what we will not, what we feel and what we will not feel, what we like and what we do not like, and what we want and what we do not want. Boundaries, in short, define us.”
Being a fuzzy-boundaried sort, I’m not really sure about some of these things, but now I’m on a mission of determining who I am and who I’m not. This may seem a strange venture for someone as old as I am. Hear me out.
Dr. Cloud talks about the various boundaries that make up our identity: physical appearance/body; attitudes; feelings; behavior; thoughts; abilities; desires; choices; limits; and, lastly, negative assertions (who/what we are NOT).
If we don’t know these things about ourselves, then we are bound to bump into, step over, or be drawn into the boundaries of others.
Here’s an example of this: I AM a reconciler, and I AM NOT a grudge-holder. So when my extended family is struggling with a family rift, it’s somewhat confusing for me, and really hard personally. How boundaries come to play in this is that I can’t make this rift go away…my own limits, attitudes, feelings, and desires (among other things) keep me from crossing others’ boundaries…This leaves me feeling hopeless, and sometimes helpless. My alternatives (and they are good ones) are to love my family, encourage those also reeling from this, and praying for all of us.
I can NOT fix it. If my fuzzy-boundaried self insisted on somehow making things better, it would leave me worse for the wear…and the rift still unchanged. We all have boundaries at play in our relationships.
In fact, some boundaries we set up voluntarily by our attitudes and thoughts. When we feel harmed by someone, we impose boundaries to prevent getting hurt again. Are these actual or imagined? It seems the pain continues in the trauma of unforgiveness. I just don’t know. One thing I do know is that this sort of boundary is something I AM NOT willing to do…especially with family. Where does that leave us who disagree on this?
So…forgive all verbal processing on this. Just trying to figure some of this out, and I’m only beginning. Unless you know yourself well, Dr. Cloud’s lesson on boundaries might be an excellent one to consider. One very beautiful extra thought on this: although we are made in God’s image, this is one place we differ from Him. He is infinite, and we are finite. As we get to know ourselves better, we can appreciate Him all the more and depend on Him even more readily for what we need both inside and outside our boundaries.
And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. – Colossians 3:15-20
38 years today.
The flight of years shows in our bodies and minds, but for us, it is most apparent in the launch of adult children into their own lives, work, and marriages. Then…it comes back to just the two of us…and I am grateful for his company.
Our marriage has always been of a quiet steady sort . My husband and I married best friends. We were polar opposites in most ways, except our faith and being raised in Southern families. He was “read and follow directions” marrying “fly by the seat of her pants.” It was definitely a match made in Heaven because we would need the God of Heaven to keep us on course as we figured marriage out…both without and, later, with children.
In fact, those of you who know us well know the struggles we have had figuring out parenting (both young children and then adult children). Also the challenges of having very different ideas and giftings on doing life. I’ve written so much about this in my journals over the years, wrestling with God and my own heart in these areas. Our daughter already knows to handle with understanding the pages of angst about our marriage. She would probably be the only one who will read those journals. The best part is she has seen us pull together more than pull apart.
I’ve often quoted Elisabeth Elliot on love and marriage. Two thoughts come to mind. She speaks of love as being “a laid-down life.” She also talks of marriage as being good for Christians to mature in their walk with God, because [in marriage] “there’s so much scope for sinning.” My husband has taught me a lot in both of these areas, and I, him – hopefully more on the lines of laying down our lives for each other, rather than the scope for sinning part…sigh.
Whatever these nearing forty years have produced with us together, the best of it has been 3 great young people (and the 2 beautiful extra children who’ve joined our family through them, so far)…and GRANDCHILDREN! Alongside those treasures is the unalterable way the Lord has knit us together, my husband and me, with each other and with Him.
I have some idea what is ahead, given our ages and the world around us (we’ve already been through a cancer diagnosis, big job changes, losses of dear parents, and sickness in our children and grandchildren). The hard is softened by what is promised (and proven) through God’s Word. Whatever is ahead, I am so grateful for what I’ve learned through this man who married me 38 years ago.
He has given me a face of one who does not give up, of one who never leaves the room, of one who fights for what is right, of one who is tender toward the weak, of one who loves no matter what. I have been both the recipient of this and the one on his side as he extends himself to others.
Now, we are two again…as in the beginning of our relationship. Yet we are at a very different place. God has shown Himself to be ever-present in all these years of our lives. For many years I didn’t think marriage was to be mine…then Dave came into my life quite providentially. God gave me exactly what I needed in this husband of mine – a man as true as steel in his walk with God and with his family. We count on him; he counts on God. Whatever happens out there in front of us…I have peace, on this 38th anniversary, that God will be there for each of us, to show us how to live…as He has in all these years thus far.
The Chosen is an online TV series created and directed by Dallas Jenkins. The statement of faith posted by Jenkins includes the following: “The Chosen is a narrative show, which means it’s not a documentary…it’s absolutely not a replacement for Scripture. It is not focused on religious tradition, but on Jesus. It’s a show…but it’s a high calling for me.”
Dallas Jenkins and “The Chosen” production team developed a film project entitled “Unfiltered: Gen-Z Reacts to The Chosen”. It is a documentary where 9 strangers of Gen Z age were brought together to binge-watch “The Chosen” Season 1. They did not know what they would be watching. The documentary was just posted this week. It is below (starting 32 minutes in). You will love it!!
The Gen Z’ers (young people born after 1995) were really lovely. Different religious backgrounds. Very different social and family situations. More trauma and isolation than I would have imagined. Hard. Yet here they are grown, bright, their own people.
Binge-watching “The Chosen”. Their perspectives were fascinating – starting out, watching, and then processing afterward.
A little bit about “The Chosen” (from a previous blog I wrote):
I love the stories. They are reflective of Jesus and those closest to Him. They are plausible given what we know of Jesus in Scripture and what we know of the whole counsel of God in the Bible.
I have so many favorite scenes in this production (Season 1 and Season 2 also, and coming soon Season 3). One of the scenes is when Jesus calls Matthew as a disciple. Matthew…a Jewish tax collector – under the protection of the Romans – hated by his fellow Jews for the hardships he brings on them. In this treatment of this real person, Matthew is shown as one who could be on the Autism spectrum…brilliant and different. Watch the scene here.
Jesus’ line, “Get used to different”, although extra-Biblical, is so in character with the person of Christ. Winsome, loving, and right.
I appreciated their take on “The Chosen”. Thoughtful, analytical, emotional, and open. No arrogance or judging. They considered the stories and the message. Did they all convert to people who follow Jesus? I don’t think so and it isn’t fully disclosed in the documentary …and…that certainly did not seem like the producers’ ploy.
What did happen for these Gen Z’ers is that they saw Jesus differently. Hopefully more accurately… They left the room changed.Screenshot from “Unfiltered: Gen-Z Reacts to The Chosen”
This documentary was just really good. I wish I could say to each one, thanks for being willing to risk being a part of that project. Their vulnerability was something we could all benefit from.
I wonder if they watched Season 2 of The Chosen on their own. I’m certainly looking forward to Season 3. In a world as cynical and jaded as ours, to be immersed in the place and community of Jesus is a great refreshing of the soul. Jonathan Roumie, who plays Jesus, is an actor, of course…but his portrayal of Jesus is brilliant and true to the heart of Christ.
If you haven’t seen The Chosen yet, it is free to you, on YouTube and the app. Catch up…you’ll be glad you did.
1) The Exquisite Beauty of Classical Guitar – We need beauty in our lives. We are made to create beauty, in fact…we are meant to refresh and to rejoice in beauty. To discover our own hearts when arrested by it. To appreciate the beauty in others as we pause to see it…even in those so different from us. Beauty surrounds us. Here’s one significant example – the classical guitar creations of Nathan Mills at Beyond the Guitar.
While Nathan takes a brief hiatus from his usual YouTube channel to focus on his other work, only we Patreon subscribers get new content (subscribe). In this bit of time, I decided to highlight some of his arrangements already appreciated by his 500k-plus subscribers. These 5 (5 for Friday Faves) are just a sample of the beauty we can bring into our lives from the realm of classical guitar. Enjoy!
More to come. Any favorites of your own from his channel? Comment below.
2) Refugees and the English Language – [Obviously this relates to refugees whose host countries have English as the primary language, but this could relate to any country’s first language.]
For many years, we lived overseas. We had jobs already in English but worked hard to learn the local language. We knew we would need it to flourish in the home culture there, including being “good neighbors”. Language learning takes persistence but the rewards are incalculable.
Our church is a providing local resettlement support to an Afghan refugee family. The children came with some English language ability which helped them enormously in school and cultural understanding. In our relationship with them, we have met other Afghan refugees. Some with English and others with none. One family, in particular, has really captured my heart this week.
In this family of mom, dad, and four kids, they know Dari, Farsi, and Turkish. None know English yet. [That’s all the details I will offer.]
[Fortunately there are some similarities to English in the Turkish alphabet.]
How do families like this get jobs in our country? Pay bills? Shop in American stores? Learn in school? Meet their English- and other-speaking neighbors?
They get English as fast as they can.
Although teaching ESL was something I did for years, it was always with people who had some English. I didn’t have to start at the complete beginning. Thankfully English language helps abound online. So…we learn and we teach (or help learn maybe is a better way to describe this process).
Just yesterday, shopping with the Afghan family we are helping resettle, a small unsettling thing happened. In the shoe department, I caught the face of a lady who was trying to get around us with her cart. Her face was stern, and she was clearly impatient with us. I apologized to which she said nothing. It is possible she was having a really hard day. Or something darker related to foreigners could have been going on. I hope not…in fact, hopefully, her day got better all the way around.
For us as native English-speakers, we can be enormous help to refugees with little cost of time or money…as we welcome them with our language. Appreciating the courage and fortitude they must exert every day to even live here, far from home and all that was happily familiar there.
I will always remember, with gratitude, all the people who knew so little English, but used it to connect with us when we lived overseas. “Welcome in Egypt”. We felt the welcome.
I’m learning a little Dari, but more importantly, I’m hoping to communicate in English in ways that empower and encourage.
Something we can all do for these so far from home in a strange, new one.
3) Laughing Out Loud – Laughter is a balm to our minds and bodies. It is just plain good medicine. I had several experiences just this week that were so funny they made me laugh out loud. In fact, a couple of times, in the car with grandkids, I had to just pull over, laughing to capture the moment in a note so as not to forget it.
We were on an errand in a neighborhood they didn’t know. It’s one of the oldest residential areas in our city – tall, 3-story houses of a different era. Our grandson commented that it looked haunted. When I told them that, yes, some of the houses were old and tired, but many had been renovated and they were all beautiful. Then he said, “There are bad guys on my side of the road throwing doughnuts at the car.” Then he asked his sister what she saw on her side of the car. Without hesitation she said, “There are baby bunnies jumping on my side and they are throwing baby kittens at my window…and they’re soooooo sweet.”
Then on the car ride home, the little one always wants a treat to eat on the way. She said, “Gram, I want gummies.” Continuing to reinforce asking instead of telling in such matters, I said, “I don’t respond to that sort of request.” When she then asked, I told her she had had enough sweets. Then she asked, “What can I have then?” I replied, “You can have peace of mind”. Whereupon she immediately responded: “OK, then can I have a piece of yours?”
These may not seem as funny without their voices, but they made me laugh so much.
An unexpected “home for lunch” visit from Papa was another cause for laughter.
Any laughter out loud happening your way these days? Hope so. Books and movies can help with that if grandchildren aren’t around. Also some friends, like our dear Heba, have that great gift of just making us laugh at every occasion. Hope you have some of those as well.
4) Foodie Friends – Another kind of friend that makes life all the richer is one who not only brings laughter but also the great pleasure of food. We had a friend from the West Coast visit us this past week for a wedding. It was good times, deep conversations, friends gathered and a constant foodfest all week. Here is just a sampling…sometimes we just ate without pictures.
[I have to say the best part of a foodie adventure is the person across the table. They make the food all the more a joyful experience.]
5) The Treasure of Old Photos –In this age of minimalism, I have had to confront the bins of pictures and photo albums from a lifetime before the digital era. Including those given to my parents that are now back with me. Photography has always been my hobby as far back as the late Kodak Brownie camera days. [In fact, my first summer job beyond high school babysitting was at a Kodak film processing lab. It was so fascinating being a part of that work of turning film into treasured keepsakes.
I have gotten rid of most of the pictures only interesting to me. Including hundreds of film negatives and contact/proof sheets from my black-and-white days.
The sheet above had been stuck in a different storage bin so it avoided the purge for now. I took pictures of some of the images. They are not great quality but the emotion is still all there. Enjoy!
My beautiful Mom
Mom and Dad
My brother Dwane
Stephanie & her mom
Stephanie & Chad
…and capture the past even in this minimalist age. It is precious and it is still with us.
“Why do you call me ‘Lord, Lord,’ and not do what I tell you?Everyone who comes to me and hears my words and does them, I will show you what he is like:he is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. And when a flood arose, the stream broke against that house and could not shake it, because it had been well built.But the one who hears and does not do them is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. When the stream broke against it, immediately it fell, and the ruin of that house was great.”– Jesus – Luke 6:46-49
How shall we build our lives? Whether we are young or old, it matters the foundation.
When Jesus spoke of whether we truly know Him, he makes the distinction of whether or not we obey Him. Not in any silly, shallow legalistic way…no. He implores us to consider what we are paying attention to…what foundation we are building on.
If we say we love Him, we will obey Him, because He knows and loves us completely. It simply follows that we would obey Him. He knows what is best for us, and He has shown Himself consummately trustworthy.
Why wouldn’t we obey Him?
The world has become a difficult place and those of us who have been cushioned by affluence are no longer untouched. In the US, our culture is now considered post-Christian, and yet it is not completely so. Our government and courts are waging war to move us toward a secular worldview. The entertainment industry and business sector also use their financial power to influence our thinking…in a direction that moves us off foundation.
If Christ is truly our Lord, then He is the foundation on which we build. Then, and only then, we will prepare, preach, and practice lives of justice, mercy, and humility (Micah 6:8).
Dear God, we need You so right now. We need you to draw our eyes, our thoughts, away from that which would draw us away from You. We are not a people who hates. We are not a people who divides. We are not a people who excludes. We are Yours. Lord, may those around us see Jesus in our faces, in how we apply our hands, and what we do with our time…in all things. Oh Jesus…build our lives.
If Jesus is Lord, we don’t hold grudges. We don’t hate our neighbor. We don’t withhold mercy. We do love even our enemies; we pursue peace, and we point our lives to our Savior. He gives grace. He empowers. He sets us aright as we seek to follow Him.
Hallelujah! He is worthy. Remember He has given us all we need for life and Godliness (2 Peter 1:3). We can have confidence as we follow His lead. As we build our lives, His love is our firm foundation.
Eyes on Jesus – we build our lives.
Worship with me to Pat Barrett‘s “Build My Life”. Let’s also remember together to “build our lives on the things that last.”– Pat Barrett
Worthy of every song we could ever sing
Worthy of all the praise we could ever bring
Worthy of every breath we could ever breathe
We live for You, oh, we live for You
[Verse 2]
Jesus, the Name above every other name
Jesus, the only One who could ever save Worthy of every breath we could ever breathe
We live for You, we live for You
[Chorus]
Holy, there is no one like You, there is none beside You
Open up my eyes in wonder and Show me who You are and fill me with Your heart And lead me in Your love to those around me
[Verse 2]
Jesus, the name above every other name
Jesus, the only One who could ever save
You’re worthy of every breath we could ever breathe
We live for You, oh, we live for You
[Chorus]
Holy, there is no one like You, there is none beside You
Open up my eyes in wonder and
Show me who You are and fill me with Your heart
And lead me in Your love to those around me
[Bridge]
And I will build my life upon Your love, it is a firm foundation
And I will put my trust in You alone and I will not be shaken
And I will build my life upon Your love, it is a firm foundation
And I will put my trust in You alone and I will not be shaken
[Chorus] Holy, there is no one like You, there is none beside You Open up my eyes in wonder and Show me who You are and fill me with Your heart And lead me in Your love to those around me
[Outro]
And I will build my life upon Your love, it is a firm foundation
And I will put my trust in You alone and I will not be shaken.*
Photo Credit: Facebook, Frances Moon
Photo Credit: Nevin Martell, Open Table
Photo Credit: K-LOVE, Pinterest
Photo Credit: Pinterest, Sonoma
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