Category Archives: Family

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Anniversary Milestone – 40 Years Married – a Walk with God and Each Other

August 2, 2024 admindeb 9 Comments

[Adapted from the Archives]

And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. – Colossians 3:15-20

On August 4, we will be 40 years married! Whew! Thanks be to God!

The flight of years shows in our bodies and minds, but for us, it is most apparent in the launch of adult children into their own lives, work, and marriages. Then…it comes back to just the two of us…and I am grateful for his company.

Our marriage has always been of a quiet steady sort . My husband and I married best friends. We were polar opposites in most ways, except our faith and being raised in Southern families, with Godly, praying mamas. He was “read and follow directions” marrying “fly by the seat of her pants.” It was definitely a match made in Heaven because we would need the God of Heaven to keep us on course as we figured marriage out…both without and, later, with children.

In fact, those of you who know us well know the struggles we have had figuring out parenting (both young children and then adult children). Also the challenges of having very different ideas and giftings on doing life. I’ve written so much about this in my journals over the years, wrestling with God and my own heart in these areas. Should our kids read those journals one day, I trust them to handle the pages of angst about our marriage with gentleness and understanding. Hopefully they have always seen us pull together more than pull apart.

I’ve often quoted Elisabeth Elliot on love and marriage. Two thoughts come to mind. She speaks of love as being “a laid-down life.” She also talks of marriage as being good for Christians to mature in their walk with God, because [in marriage] “there’s so much scope for sinning.” My husband has taught me a lot in both of these areas, and I, him – hopefully more on the lines of laying down our lives for each other, rather than the scope for sinning part…sigh.

2005 December - Christmas with Mills & Halls 089a (2)

Whatever these nearing forty years have produced with us together, the best of it has been 3 great young people (and the 2 beautiful extra children who’ve joined our family through them, so far)…and GRANDCHILDREN! Alongside those treasures is the unalterable way the Lord has knit us together, my husband and me, with each other and with Him.

I have some idea what is ahead, given our ages and the world around us (we’ve already been through a cancer diagnosis, big job changes, losses of dear parents, and sickness in our children and grandchildren). The hard is softened by what is promised (and proven) through God’s Word. Whatever is ahead, I am so grateful for what I’ve learned through this man who married me 40 years ago.

He has given me the face of a man who does not give up, of one who never leaves the room, of one who fights for what is right, of one who is tender toward the weak, of one who loves no matter what. I have been both the recipient of this and the one by his side as he extends himself to others.

Now, we are two again…as in the beginning of our relationship. Yet we are at a very different place. God has shown Himself to be ever-present in all these years of our lives. For many years I didn’t think marriage was to be mine…then Dave came into my life quite providentially. God gave me exactly what I needed in this husband of mine – a man as true as steel in his walk with God and with his family. We count on him; he counts on God. Whatever happens out there in front of us…I have peace, on this 40th anniversary, that God will be there for each of us, to show us how to live…as He has in all these years thus far.

Through the Years – YouTube video of Kenny Rogers Ballad

YouTube Video – Jesus and You – Matthew West

YouTube Video – You’re Still the One – Shania Twain [Twain’s “still the one” is no longer her one, but the song is beautiful. So I wanted to keep it in this list since Dave’s still my one.]

YouTube Video – Brandon Lake – NOTHING NEW (I DO) – Wedding Version ft. Brittany Lake

Sacred Marriage – What if God Designed Marriage to Make us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy – by Gary Thomas – Such a great book!

An example of Elisabeth Elliot’s counsel to one marrying – Always forgive.

Elisabeth Elliot Quotes

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Sunday Reflection – Father’s Day & Fathering

June 16, 2024 admindeb 6 Comments

https://debmillswriter.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/2007-Feb-Dave-Boys.jpg

[Adapted from the Archives]

We all have fathers – whether very present, present but distant, or long-time absent. Some of you may be fathers. Some of you may have wanted to be fathers but are not able to be…for whatever reasons.

This day of commemoration usually means a good meal and some sort of gifting or pampering for you dads. For all of you, with or without children, you can be influencers…and we need you. My biological father was absent long before my parents divorced.

Thankfully I have had a rich heritage of good fathers through the rest of my life – my step-dad, brothers, uncles, husband, father-in-law, son/son-in-law, brother-in-law, nephews, and loving, empowering male friends and colleagues. Most of these good fathers in my life were spiritual fathers…but fathers nonetheless.

The father of my own children used to travel with his work. He and I had a parting ritual. He runs through the “in case something happens” list [let me know if you want particulars of that – it is helpful to know]. Then, we did sort of a “Thanks for marrying me” farewell…and finally that wonderful, “If I don’t see you here, I’ll see you THERE.” When this man wasn’t present with us, he still was.

Fathering, like mothering, is not an easy job. So much dying to self. So much responsibility. What a delight for us when the men in our lives take fathering on their shoulders as they might a sleeping child. Surrendering themselves to the serving of those younger than them. I thank God for men who humble themselves in prayer for their children and who go to work every day to support their families. Working, studying, and life-long learning passed on to their children and others.

Photo Credit: Calvin & Hobbs from the blog of Kenneth Reeds

These dads are too-often taken for granted in the shadow of fathering that falls short. The absent, neglectful and downright abusive fathers cut wounds so deep that decent fathers are sometimes judged by the same measure. We watch for “the sins of the fathers to be revisited on their children” (Numbers 14:18).

Today, let’s reflect on the good fathers. Those who were present at our births, or those who came later in life to us, or those who father us out of their own great hearts. Imperfect, sure. All of us are. Yet, there are those men who go many more than second miles for us, and we are grateful. – Deb Mills

…and finally let’s live in hope that those fathers who struggle to be present or loving may one day gather themselves together, awaken to what was left behind, and reach out to the treasures they missed along the way…and may they find us within reach.

The Father I Never Knew on Father’s Day – Deb Mills Writer

Fathering – Celebrating Men Who Did It Well; Forgiving Men Who Didn’t – Deb Mills Writer

“As to my children, you are now to be left fatherless, which I hope will be an inducement to you all to seek a Father who will never fail you.” – Jonathan Edwards, his last words to his children, as he lay dying

Traveling Man – Somewhere Between Here, There, & Home – Deb Mills Writer

Photo Credit: B. C. Comics

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Worship Wednesday – Our Posture Before a Waiting & Loving Father – with Trevin Wax

May 8, 2024 admindeb 2 Comments

Photo Credit: Prodigal Son by Eugene Burnand, article by James Ross Kelly

And Jesus said, “There was a man who had two sons; and the younger of them said to his father, ‘Father, give me the share of property that falls to me.’ And he divided his living between them. Not many days later, the younger son gathered all he had and took his journey into a far country, and there he squandered his property in loose living. And when he had spent everything, a great famine arose in that country, and he began to be in want. So he went and joined himself to one of the citizens of that country, who sent him into his fields to feed swine. And he would gladly have fed on the pods that the swine ate; and no one gave him anything. But when he came to himself he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have bread enough and to spare, but I perish here with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you;I am no longer worthy to be called your son; treat me as one of your hired servants.”’ And he arose and came to his father. But while he was yet at a distance, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you; I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him; and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet; and bring the fatted calf and kill it, and let us eat and make merry; for this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.’ And they began to make merry.

“Now his elder son was in the field; and as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing. And he called one of the servants and asked what this meant. And he said to him, ‘Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fatted calf, because he has received him safe and sound.’ But he was angry and refused to go in. His father came out and entreated him, but he answered his father, ‘Lo, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command; yet you never gave me a kid, that I might make merry with my friends. But when this son of yours came, who has devoured your living with harlots, you killed for him the fatted calf!’ And he said to him, ‘Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. It was fitting to make merry and be glad, for this your brother was dead, and is alive; he was lost, and is found.’” – Luke 15:11-32

The following is a treasure by writer and researcher Trevin Wax, used with permission. We met only once, but I’ve been learning from him for several years. You are in for a treat – a life-giving infusion of truth, wisdom, and grace.

“Every now and then, a song brings me to tears.

Sometimes it’s an older song that stirs the heart in a new way. I’ve never been able to sing the last verse of Isaac Watts’s hymn, “There Is a Fountain,” because I’m too moved by that image of my “poor lisping, stammering tongue” lying “silent in the grave” before rising again to sing a “nobler, sweeter song” of Christ and his “power to save.”

Songs about the cross and resurrection strike that chord, such as the vision at the end of “O Praise the Name (Anástasi s)” of resurrection hope when our gaze will be fixated on the Savior. Andrew Peterson’s “Well Done, Good and Faithful” builds on a Watts hymn and imagines the Father affirming the Son’s sacrificial work; I blubber every Easter season when I hear it. Other songs do the trick too, even simple ones like Steven Curtis Chapman’s “My Redeemer is Faithful and True” or Fernando Ortega’s “Give Me Jesus.”

But for all the times when glorious gospel truth has me fumbling for a Kleenex, there many times when I sing about amazing grace with dry eyes and a lukewarm heart. This has me wondering, What dries up the heart and keeps us from feeling and experiencing the marvelous, matchless grace of God? What keeps the tear ducts blocked?

For starters, there’s the posture of the older brother in the parable of the prodigal son: the self-righteous, self-sufficient one who remains “close” to the father, at least in terms of proximity, while his heart is far from home. The consummate rule-follower believes deep down that the only possible reason God would love us is because we’ve done something to deserve salvation.

Photo Credit: Rembrandt’s Return of the Prodigal, Stanton Lanier

This assumption can manifest itself in many ways, even among those who talk about grace all the time. The self-justifying tendencies of the human heart can lead us to stand on a pedestal of Christian teaching about grace and then look down on others who’ve not arrived at our level of doctrinal understanding or theological precision.

But we cannot weep before the majestic grace of God if we’re still searching for scraps of self-sufficiency. Tears of gratitude will never fall from eyes looking down on others, only from eyes looking up to God’s grace.

But there’s a second posture that keeps us from marveling at the grace of God: the desire to validate ourselves by doing away with sin.

The New Testament’s insistence on our need for redemption humbles us. But redefining sin removes the need for humility, leaving us affirmed in our natural state.

For many today, the problem isn’t the disease of sin, but those who’d diagnose the disease. So, instead of a father running to us with a heart overflowing with forgiveness and healing mercy, we want a father who runs to affirm us and tell us all is well, that what we’ve done either wasn’t that bad or wasn’t bad at all. We want a God to provide a spiritual presence, a transcendent dimension for the life we’ve chosen to live. God becomes the approver of our own self-validation.

This second posture is also rooted in self-righteousness, but it masks itself in false mercy. For some, sin is not that big a deal because God is merciful and it’s his job to forgive. For others, our focus on brokenness and suffering outstrips any notion of sin as transgression or treason against God. God’s mercy and help are there to make us whole, but this “wholeness” must ultimately be defined by every individual.

The first and greatest commandment is “Be true to yourself.” The second is like it: “Affirm whatever self your neighbor decides to be true to.” In this way, we rid ourselves of vice, not through forgiveness, but through redefining vices as virtues, as part of our authentic selves.

And so, the father runs to the repentant son, not to shower him with undeserved grace, but to follow him to the pigsty, where he insists the son’s rebellion was a bold and courageous act of independence, and the diet of pig food is really a feast for the self-actualized.

This posture strips us of the power to weep at grace. Sin is waved, not washed, away. To deny or minimize your sinfulness is to sever the root of gratitude for undeserved favor. Make favor deserved, a reward that showcases your innate worth and value and goodness, and you’ve gutted grace of everything that makes it amazing.

In both cases, whether it’s the elder brother who won’t lower himself to join the feast, or the younger brother who won’t come to his senses because he wants to be “free” to choose the pigsty, self-righteousness blocks tears of gratitude.

Only Jesus gives us grace that meets us in our darkest hour, grace that plumbs the depths of our cavernous hearts, grace that transforms the heart of stone into a heart of flesh.

Undeserved favor strips us of self-righteousness and shows up our paltry attempts at self-validation. Submit to that humble stripping away of all our pride, and then we can bask in the grace that makes us sing louder, shout for joy, and weep with gratitude. That’s the grace we see in the running feet of the father.” – Trevin Wax, Facebook, May 5, 2024

[If you have time, and want to sing praise to God for His great grace, click on any of the song links – old or new.]

Rembrandt’s Prodigal – A Life Lesson – Stanton Lanier

The Story of the Loving Father – William Barclay – James Ross Kelly

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Monday Morning Moment – “What If You’re Wrong”

May 7, 2024 admindeb 4 Comments

What just happened? When you read the title “What If You’re Wrong”, was there a reaction in mind or body? If I had written “What If I’m Wrong”, it would have been far less provocative, right? Clearly, it’s possible for me to be wrong on many things. Not just possible but actual. I am most probably wrong on a number of things, either out of ignorance, preference, a lack of understanding, or neglect of the truth.

Is there a way we can talk about the stuff that matters to us with people who care about very different sorts of things? People who strongly disagree. People who are sure they are right, when we are also sure that we are…and they are wrong.

Below you’ll find an old video of a Richard Dawkins lecture at a Virginia university. He took questions from the floor, and one very brave, if not naive, student asked him “What if you’re wrong?” His answer, or non-answer but more repartee, was clearly one he had fashioned for just that question. Have a listen.

The lecture must have had to do with the existence of God, and Dr. Dawkins, though once a “Christian” is now an atheist. His response to the student was condescending, dismissive, and unkind. Oddly, his reasoning fell along the same lines as a 16y/o Muslim student in my World Religions class in Morocco. My student surmised that people followed the religion of their parents. Yet, here, Dr. Dawkins disproved what he said himself by leaving the Christian faith for atheism. In the video, maybe he considered disrespectful the student asking the question, therefore, he responded with mirrored disrespect. Who knows?

This is what I’m wanting to know. Can people engage each other with curiosity, care, and consideration (hope you don’t mind alliteration)…when they are at opposite ends of a worldview or belief system?

The key is those 3 c-words above. If I truly want to understand the position of another person, hopefully that can be communicated in such a way that engenders an openness. If that person knows I truly care about him/her, maybe they would be willing to trust me with such a conversation. If they knew my desire is to take into consideration how they came to their conclusions, maybe they would risk digging down into their reasoning. No judgment. On either side.

That would be amazing.

Writer, creator Adam Dachis posted a helpful piece for Lifehacker.

How to Know When You’re Wrong (and What You Can Do About It) – Adam Dachis

Common Denominator – Find It. What might the continuing point of contention between you? Find that “button” that always gets pushed and choose together to find a way for it not to be the confounding issue.
Considering What’s Right – Convictions & Outcomes When you analyze your positions (convictions), it is possible to consider which would lead to a better outcome. This is a growth point toward understanding if not change.
Changing Someone Else’s Behavior – Shouldn’t Be the Goal. – Trying to change the other person’s opinion or worldview can’t be the goal. They are in control there, but you can change something about your own behavior toward them or the situation. This approach is not about people-pleasing but about defusing and deescalating. The goal has to be relationship, or why bother?
Consult the Facts. We tend to focus on and be influenced by information that aligns with how we think, not even considering that the information might be wrong. If one of us considers the other wrong, the temptation is to attack (if I am the one feeling right or feeling wrong, the default is to become defensive and tempted to attack). Listen to the other side. Be tuned into what you are feeling as well. Stay in the conversation. Treat yourself and the other person with compassion. The goal is understanding.

Gustavo Razzetti, a work culture design consultant, writes about the difference between the soldier mindset and the scout mindset in dealing with conflicting worldviews:

“The soldier mindset is rooted in the need to defend ourselves. The pressure to be right elevates our adrenaline—we experience a fight-or-flight response.

A more curious mindset is that of the scout—this role is about understanding, not defending our beliefs. The scout goes out, maps the terrain, and identifies the real challenge—he wants to know what’s really there.

The mindset you choose affects your judgment, analysis, and decision-making.

The soldier mindset is rooted in emotions like aggression and tribalism. The scout mindset is rooted in curiosity—it’s about the pleasure of learning new things, being intrigued when new facts contradict our beliefs, and not feeling weak about changing our mind.

Above all, scouts are grounded—their self-worth isn’t tied to how right or wrong they are.” – Gustavo Razzetti, “What If You’re the One Who’s Wrong”

I lived for many years in countries where the majority religion was not my own. Local friends would at some point or other ask me the “right or wrong” sort of question… “Why wouldn’t I consider their religion?” I treated that question with the care I had for those friends. In fact, I have a document on my computer where I considered all their tenets of faith and what kept me from becoming a follower of their religion. What was right for them was wrong for me.

However, the most beautiful experience of those “What if you’re wrong” scenarios was what happened with my dearest local friends. Without knowing the concept at the time, we determined to make each other feel “seen, soothed, safe, and secure”. Although my own faith (especially my belief in Jesus as Savior and Lord) would not be altered, these friends mattered deeply to me. We reconciled our differences in faith through the depth of our friendship. If one had to be considered right and the other wrong, we would still love each other. Period. Full-stop.

One Small Step – StoryCorps

Winsomeness, Wisdom, and the Way of Jesus: A Few Reflections on Christ and Culture From John 6 – David S. Schrock

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Monday Morning Moment – Considering Others – the Wawa Experience

March 26, 2024 admindeb Leave a comment

Small acts of kindness aren’t really so small. They add up and can alter your day. Take stopping into Wawa – “the ultimate convenience store for food, drink, fuel, and more”. [If you don’t have Wawa in your town, it’s wherever you stop for gas and coffee.] Now, Wawa seems to be a working person’s stop-on-the-go place. Fueling the car and grabbing a quick beverage (plus food maybe). Customers are on the move. They have places to go.

What happens there, in seconds, is noteworthy. When folks go to and from the store, they almost without exception, hold the door for the next customer. Literally, I sometimes just stand and watch, while filling my gas tank. [It would have been creepy for me to video this activity although I was tempted. It’s a constant where the one opening the door waits for the oncoming person exiting or entering.

So considerate. So courteous. Now, I’m sure there are folks who run in to grab coffee and are lost in their thoughts. They enter and exit without thinking. Not noticing the person in front or behind them. This happens…just doesn’t seem to happen here.

I love that about Wawa. Working people who have jobs to do but take the seconds to hold the door. A small act of kindness. Do we do that intuitively? Or did we learn it from someone – at home, in the classroom? It’s definitely a work culture phenomenon as well. Check out the #1 element of work culture that matters in the SloanReview article:

*10 Things Your Corporate Culture Needs to Get Right* – Donald Sull and Charles Sull

We lived overseas for many years and were amazed at the courtesy extended toward us and others. If I was at tea with local ladies and children entered from school, without prompting, they would go around the circle of women and greet each one of us. No matter how old they were. That was just one example of the almost ceremonial expression of hospitality wherever we found ourselves. Now, every culture has its imperfect treatment of people, but I was struck but the impact of courtesy and consideration expressed even from small children, even from teens.

Photo Credit: *How to Know a Person*, David Brooks, GoodReads

A verse in the Bible comes to mind related to this: “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility consider one another as more important than yourselves.” (Philippians 2:3) In that moment, considering another more important than myself. A great exercise in life.

What does it take to teach, model, and reward/reenforce such qualities as consideration and courtesy such that they continue throughout life? I’d love to hear your take on this, in the Comments.

It was a sweet visit to Wawa for me. Consistent with every other visit. My favorite coffee (Hazelnut with vanilla creamer) even came free today and it’s not even Free Coffee Tuesday.

So…think about slowing down a bit and consider others just ahead of or behind you, and hold the door. If you read this far, you probably already make a habit of showing that level of care. Thank you.

Putting Others Before Yourself – 7 Great Tips – David Peach

The Power of Etiquette: How Practicing Good Manners Enhances Our Well-being

How to Teach Kids Good Manners: The True Meaning of Etiquette and Why It’s Important – Ashika Singh

The Importance of Courtesy: Lessons in Kindness and Respect – Naytik Sheth

Seven Activities for National Courtesy Month (September)

[Postscript: Below you’ll find another quote on being a friend or creating community. It goes beyond the scope of this Monday Morning Moment but is apropos to how we treat people, even in the moment, even strangers.]

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Saturday Short – Remembering Our Chad and the Legacy of Chadwick Boseman

March 16, 2024 admindeb 2 Comments

Photo Credit: L) Chadwick Boseman – Gage Skidmore, Flickr, R) Chad Stephens (pic taken by Deb Mills)

[This piece is adapted from the Archives on the 30th anniversary of my nephew Chad Stephens’ death. He was 23 when he died instantly in a car accident. After so many years, I’m not sure who all have the sweet memories of Chad that his family has. As to legacy…only God knows. I was reminded today in remembering Chad of another’s legacy – the actor/influencer Chadwick Boseman. His legacy is large and public. For both of them, Chad and Chadwick, dying sooner and harder than any of us imagined would have happened…who knows the extent of their legacy – either Chad, a young man with most of his promise still ahead of him, or the profoundly gifted Chadwick Boseman, dying in his 40s. Below you’ll find excerpts from a blog I wrote when Chadwick died, as I also remember Chad today.]

Shock waves covered our country and the world at the news of actor and Black Panther superhero ‘s death. He was/is a bigger-than-life figure in our culture. As we all know now, he had late-stage colon cancer since 2016 (four years prior to his death). That the public didn’t know he was ill isn’t a surprise, given Boseman’s private nature and also the incredible production of 10 of his films from 2016 until now (one of them Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom released after his death). Fighting his battle with cancer at the same time, what grace, focus, and courage he displayed through all the making of those films!

Chadwick Boseman, ‘Black Panther’ Star, Dies at 43

Boseman died on Jackie Robinson Day – August 28, 2020 – at the age of 43.

‘Black Panther’ Director Ryan Coogler Pens Emotional, Beautiful Tribute to Chadwick Boseman – Ryan Parker, Borys Kit

Boseman was very committed to raising the opportunity and quality of life for fellow black people. He used his work to reflect the dignity of humankind. He showed his own respect for others not only in the Marvel blockbuster Black Panther but in all his films. Several of which were biopics – two of my favorites being Marshall (on the life of Justice Thurgood Marshall) and “42” (on the life of baseball player Jackie Robinson). Both movies are timeless in their handling of justice for blacks in America.

After seeing the incredible film Black Panther some time ago, I was reminded of the relatively small part Boseman also played in Draft Day. Two very different films, but both where he played one who took his platform to champion others. This seemed to be true of Boseman’s public and private life.

After a weekend of trying to get hold of the life and character of this man from Anderson, South Carolina…this man who became a Christ follower as a boy and served in his church’s choir and youth group…I couldn’t get to sleep.

What Boseman accomplished in his relatively short life as a public figure will last as long as we watch the movies…and longer still.

What can a regular non-celebrity do in our world gone mad? What really can this older white woman in the suburbs of a small city? What can you do?

Last night, in the dark trying not to wake my husband, I grabbed my phone and wrote the following list. It came quickly. Hopefully it is understandable.

Listen hard with ears, mind and heart open.
Seek to understand.
Ask the question: “What are we hearing?”
Ask the question: “What are we not hearing?”
Ask the next layer of question without judging: “What sounds true? What sounds like deception motivated by something else? How can we know?
What is the source of what we are hearing? [Sidebar: Where we get our news is often where we get our attitudes. If we take in news at all, we need a mix of views or we won’t critically be able to sift for what is true…or hopefully true.]
Then…
Speak up on behalf of one another.
Stand up against evil and for the truth.
Act up? NO. Act in love.
Mobilize our resources, relationships, and influence to actually make a true, lasting difference for those most vulnerable in our country.
Who has the courage to say “Enough” to what is hurting more than healing, to what is destroying more than building up, to what is not really for change for those who most need the change?

Boseman once said: “The only difference between a hero and the villain is that the villain chooses to use that power in a way that is selfish and hurts other people.”

Boseman’s life reflected his faith in Jesus.

Therapist Kalee Vandergrift-Blackwell wrote a beautiful piece (below) on “a brown, immigrant, refugee, colonized Jesus”.

Did You Know Jesus Is Brown? – Kalee Vandergrift

Jesus died at the hands of the political and religious leaders of the day, but…He did not die a victim. He gave his life in all its beauty, courage, and truth – for our sakes…and He gave his life, even for the political and religious leaders of the day.

When He called out the wrong motives of religious leaders and turned over the tables of opportunists, everything He did, He did in love. He calls us, His followers, to do the same.

Jesus calls us to love our neighbors…and even to love our enemies. We aren’t allowed to just take sides…we are to full-bore, wide open love people – to recognize, respect, and validate in all we do the worth, dignity, and God-breathed humanity of all.

This is our legacy…this is what I want to have the courage and the depth of love to leave when my life is over.

Not complacency. Not comfort. Not smugness. Not arrogance. Not blaming another party or one president over another (if there’s blame it extends much farther…). Not violence. Not isolation.

So…that is the burn I got this weekend after taking in and grieving over the loss of Chadwick Boseman.

One last quote from Boseman that is especially poignant and inspiring right now is this: “When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything You gave me.”

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

In remembering Chad, also, I’m reminded of his legacy…not as publicized as a great actor who died too early…but of a young man who had also given his life to Christ. A young man with great heart and strong convictions. A young man who thought of others. A young man who lavished love and joy on all of us, just entering the room and then staying in the room. A young man who could flip the tension of a family dispute…just being present, by showing up over and over, even in the uncomfortable and imperfect.

Whatever our influence or audience – the world as with Chadwick Boseman, or a much smaller sphere as our Chad – we all leave a legacy. We learn from those who’ve gone before us. Because of what Jesus did for us, and knowing that both Chad and Chadwick received Jesus for themselves, we will see them again.

That makes today a little less hard and a whole lot more hopeful.

Chadwick Boseman – AZ Quotes

10 Inspiring Quotes From Chadwick Boseman That Could Change Your Life – A. R. Shaw

YouTube Video – Chadwick Boseman Tribute – Marvel

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Monday Morning Moment – On the Journey of Not Giving Up

March 11, 2024 admindeb 2 Comments

Photo Credit: Elbert Hubbard, Success.com

[Before jumping into this, let’s take a moment to give space for those who tried for a long, long time…and then felt there was no recourse but to give up. I have given up, too, in some situations, with some relationships…either because I lost hope, or heart, or strength, or opportunity, or time. We all have such stories. Today, let’s pause and consider the large and life-affirming possibility of just NOT giving up.]

Have you said any of these things recently? “I quit!” “I’m tired of trying.” “I give up.” “It’s not fair.” “It’s not worth it.” “Why do I have to do everything?” “It won’t last.” “There’s no use.” “I’m just not good at it.” “What difference does it make?”

Words matter. They can move us toward positive outcomes or negative ones. The negative affirmations above, spoken or just thought, sound true. Some may even be factual. They move us to action. The problem is when we are moved to act in ways that make things worse instead of better.

Negative Affirmations: Why You Should Avoid Them – Sanju Pradeepa

13 Reasons Why You Give Up So Easily (+ How Not To) – Natasha MacFarlane

Whether it is your job, a lifestyle change, or relationship…we choose whether to be proactive or reactive. Whether we give up or keep at it. Bit by bit. Day by day.

All of life is a journey. We move toward one another or away. Our temptation is to self-protect…or protect someone we love thinking it requires pulling away from someone else. We can give up without even realizing it. Just in the disappointment…the distancing. We pull away from possible solutions. They are just too hard. Or are they?

When we get to the point of giving up, it’s not just giving up on that person, but giving up on ourselves in relationship to that person. Maybe even giving up on God to help us repair the rupture, thus opening one between us and Him.

You may think I am philosophizing or making this too simple. Believe me, I totally get how complicated “not giving up” can be. And painful. And even isolating. However, giving up is more isolating…and potentially more painful. We can bury the pain, cover it over, but it’s still there.

Photo Credit: Ullie Kaye Poetry, Facebook

Now, we may not be able to restore the relationship…or heal a family wounded by rupture…but when we quit on them, the door to repair, from our side, closes.

Photo Credit: Danielle Bernock, Possibility Change, Instagram

The day will come, I am hoping and believing, with God’s help, that we will see good come through this hard place. For me, I am NOT giving up.

Stories of feeling the need or desire to quit abound. It may be your story as well. There is no blame here. No shaming whatsoever. It’s what we do with our stories that matters.

Attorney, writer, coach Marelisa Fabrega offers 8 strategies for not quitting. Her commentary is thought-provoking so don’t miss reading the article. I’m listing her strategies and adding my own quick thoughts.

Adopt an “I Won’t Quit” Mindset. Make that decision ahead of the situation. When Dave and I began talking about marriage together, we both stated pretty emphatically that, for us, divorce would be off the table. I grew up in a blended family and divorce impacted all my brothers’ adult lives. With Dave, it was extended family who experienced the pain of divorce, and his family felt that pain. Marriage has had its hard seasons for Dave and me, but we fought through together. [Not everyone gets that opportunity as the other spouse can ditch the marriage without your input. I get how painful that is.] Whether in marriage, friendships, work, or physical/mental health, an “I won’t quit” mindset gives you fortification in hard situations.
Watch Someone Else Persevere. It is a beautiful and poignant thing to watch when loved ones refuse to quit. I’m not saying to be a doormat or to continue to take terrible abuse. What I’m talking about is when people keep pressing forward in tough work or relationships when everything in their being and all those around are screaming, “Quit!” Two women come to mind here. One friend went though a struggle early in her marriage when her husband had an affair. All our friends (but me) advised her to divorce him and make him suffer for what he did to her. I asked her, “Do you still love him? Because if you do, and you could imagine being willing to take him back…wait.” She did love him and she decided to wait. He came back, wholeheartedly repentant. They went on to have a beautiful marriage, children, and now grandchildren. Another friend is in the furnace of a difficult relationship right now. I am watching her persevere. She has strong faith in God and a few deep friendships who are cheering her on. I believe she/they will make it.
Call Someone. This is huge! I’m thinking have more than one person you can trust to be with you (and for you) in this arena when quitting feels like all you want to do. If you’ve already decided up-front that you want to not give up, these friends and family can stand with you when the battle has exhausted you. They are for you. Hopefully they are also for your spouse and family member. It’s better to have folks who are fighting for you AND for your relationship. Not out of some scruple or moralistic platform, but because it’s your life and your battle. It’s what you want. [That may change at some point down the road, and if it does, these same people who love you will still be there.]
Go Back to Your “Why”. It’s extremely important to have a why for not giving up. A list of why’s, even better. I have loved ones very close to me who, if treated badly or served poorly, will determine not to trust an individual or business anymore. They just won’t go back. This is a much smaller situation than a deteriorating relationship. However, I’ve never understood the why and, after reading Fabrega’s piece, I plan to ask. These same people do not quit on family relationships, for which I’m grateful. So…we need to go back to our “why’s” of staying in relationship, or in a job for that matter.
Find a Different “How”. If a difficult boss is blocking the way for you to succeed at a job you once loved, figure out a respectful work-around. If the approach you have always used for managing conflict in your marriage isn’t working, think of a different way. If you continue to struggle with managing a healthy lifestyle or avoiding cycles of anxiety/depression, seek help (counseling, coaching/mentoring, medical advice, support groups). Find another way forward. Outlast the person or problem.
Succeed at Something Else. If you have been immersed in a painful situation, determining not to quit, you may just need a respite. A brief reprieve. A focus elsewhere for a few hours or days will be refreshing. Not seeing success in an area important to us colors how we feel about our self globally. Even when success isn’t visible to us, it may be coming, so we don’t give up. For that second wind, we might be refreshed by setting our sights on areas where we are seeing success (work, health, hobbies). Preferably, we do both – staying in the battle and interspersing life-giving activities.
Use Failure as a Stepping Stone. No retaliation. No victim mentality. You have already made the decision of what kind of character you want in life. Keep growing. Don’t let failure define you. It actually may not even be your failure at all. So, as much as you can yourself, live the life and be the person you want to be. It is a journey after all.
Keep Chipping Away. Like Fabrega has already said so well…keep going. Keep doing what you know is right. This is part of your story. Whatever happened in the relationship or work situation, you are making a future for yourself, and maybe for your children or family. Again, who you are is much more than what you’ve come through. – How to Not Give Up – 8 Strategies For Not Quitting – Marelisa Fabrega

Photo Credit: Danielle Bernock, Instagram

I’d like to add a 9th strategy:

9. Look for Beauty. It is there. Just outside. Or just there within reach. Just in all the reasons you are you.

I’ve read all of psychiatrist Curt Thompson‘s books and he has inspired me to look for the beauty in front of us even in situations where we feel like giving up. He inspired Bill Haley to write an essay on beauty. Here is an excerpt:

“Etty Hillesum, a young Jewish woman from Holland, wrote one of the most truly amazing things I’ve ever read. The context of her words makes all the difference. She wrote them while imprisoned at Westerbork transit camp waiting to be taken to Auschwitz, where she died in 1943 at age 29. Her diaries and letters were compiled into An Interrupted Life.

A very hard day. But I keep finding myself in prayer. And that is something I shall always be able to do, even in the smallest space: pray. And I know for certain that there will be a continuity between the life I have led and the life about to begin…

I often walk with a spring in my step along the barbed wire and then time and again it soars straight from my heart — I can’t help it, that’s just the way it is, like some elementary force — the feeling that life is glorious and magnificent, and that one day we shall be building a whole new world. Against every new outrage and every fresh horror we shall put up one more piece of love and goodness, drawing strength from within ourselves. We may suffer, but we must not succumb…

Once you have begun to walk with God, you need only keep walking with Him and all of life becomes one long stroll.” – Bill Haley, “Why Beauty Matters Right Now”

What kind of people do we choose to be? With all my heart, I want to be one who is not giving up. My family (immediate and extended) knows I am for them. Also, hopefully other folks as well – friends and neighbors. I’m not going anywhere. This is not just a commitment. This is an issue of character that goes way beyond any circle I’m a part of. It’s the kind of person I want to be. It’s not a small thing. I get it. Probably a God-sized endeavor. God is for all of us. He does not give up. He is not going anywhere. He is in the room…and He is staying.

You may say…well, you haven’t reached your breaking point, and you are right, of course. We can’t know what it will take for us to get to the place that we want to quit. Sometimes, we have no other option but to let go, because the other person is, or appears to be, already gone. My hope and resolve is to hold out as long as possible. Who knows what difference that could make? I’m holding onto that.

Photo Credit: Dale Carnegie, Success.com

117 Never Give Up Quotes (+ My 5 Favorite Tips to Help You Keep Going) – Henrik Edberg

Photo Credit: QuoteFancy, Chester Nimitz

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Monday Morning Moment – Grandma’s House

March 4, 2024 admindeb 10 Comments

A few nights ago, we had a houseful of company. I was nervous about it. Not because of the children coming; for sure, they would love being here. It was the parents. These folks are some of the loveliest people we know, but our houses were very different. These were all young people who somehow knew intuitively how to decorate homes that looked straight out of magazines.

Do trips to Ikea help?

Anyway, I was nervous that our home, our “style”, would seem tired to them. As they piled in that evening, with hugs and laughter, kids heading straight to our own grandchildren’s playroom, my fretting abated. These precious ones were all the ages of our children; we loved them, and they loved us.

Then, it happened. One of the girls, who is style personified, commented out loud, “This is a grandma’s house.” I’m pretty sure she meant it as a compliment, but it stirred a little chagrin in me… It’s true. No way around it. This IS a grandma’s house. Vintage. Family pictures everywhere. Memorabilia. A china cabinet full of antique glassware from my mama…my children’s grandma.

Home Decor that Screams “Granny Chic”

Then in a moment, my troubled thoughts cleared as fast as they had come.

I am a grandma and this is my house. It is comfortable and all are welcome. Countless long talks have been had on that old sofa and chair set. Tears shed and joys reclaimed. Family reminiscing at the dining room table. Stories. Stories. Stories. Children doing their best to out-silly each other, for their own and their grownups’ entertainment. Good food. Good times. Good memories made.

Our kids, all in their 30s now, have sweet memories of their grandparents’ homes. They still have one living, and MomMom’s home is definitely and beautifully a “grandma’s house” – a place that pulls us in with a big hug of welcome. With a bounty of baked goods, candy dishes full to overflowing, and the promise of coffee, iced tea, hot chocolate, or mulled cider – depending on the season. Picture albums that go back decades and decor that changes through the year, celebrating every holiday. A feast for the senses.

That recent evening with my young family friends marked a change in my sensibilities. I hope to embrace the fact that our parents felt the sting of the Great Depression and, because of that, it had a huge impact on my life as well. Our parents taught us to spend money carefully, hold onto things (“you might need it later”), fix what gets broken, and treasure keepsakes of past generations. And so it goes.

Maybe we’ll paint the oak cabinets, and maybe we won’t. Maybe, we will update our furniture, and maybe we won’t. Hard to say…but I’m not going to feel bad about it. That’s just foolish really.

Unlike our children and probably grandchildren coming up, I’m more a maximalist than minimalist, more vintage than modern, more cluttered than orderly (sigh), and preferential toward brighter colors than earth tones [Joanne Friedrich]. Our married children, like our young friends, have beautiful easy-on-the-eye homes…different than mine. We are different generations, and that’s completely okay.

David Marine, a marketing officer for a large real estate company, wrote the sweetest piece on “grandma’s house”:

“As a kid, it was a magical place with cabinets full of treats and a freezer that was apparently stocked year round with ice cream. Food tends to be a central theme when it comes to Grandma’s house. I remember my grandma would make me whatever I wanted for dinner, and she would always have a special treat that involved some kind of mixture of confectionery delights.

It’s a place full of love. It’s where getting spoiled rotten is a way of life. It’s where you look at those photos on the wall or on top of that coffee table that seem to cover the course of the better part of a century.

My kids love Grandma’s house. It has special toys and snacks that they don’t get a home. There are juice boxes and candies that are rare in other parts of the planet they have seen but seem to be plentiful in this small corner of the galaxy. On top of that my boys have the rare opportunity to also go to great-grandma’s house, the same place I visited at their age.

So what makes Grandma’s house so special? It’s simple. That’s where Grandma lives.” – David Marine

And with this house…you also get a sweet Papa in the bargain.

What Makes Grandma’s House So Special? – David Marine

11 Things That Instantly Remind You of Grandma’s House – Southern Living

How Each Generation Shops in 2023 [New Data from Our State of Consumer Trends Report] – Maxwell Iskiev

[This sweet book was chosen by our sweet daughter to read at her birthday lunch with me and all the grands. It is lovely and quite poignant for me because I, like Mama Seeton, had a whistle to summon the kids. My whistle also had just two notes, like in the story above, but used as in a bobwhite call. For the many years we lived in large, noisy cities, it came in handy. My adult kids will still look up to find me when I whistle softly at big family gatherings. Love this about them…and that they’ve passed this story onto our grands.]

From *Mama Seeton’s Whistle* by Jerry Spinelli, art by LeUyen Pham

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Monday Morning Moment – a Principled Life

February 27, 2024 admindeb Leave a comment

Recently a conversation with a young friend drew me to the idea of “a principled life”. She recalled a comment a friend of hers made about this friend’s life, something along the lines of how remarkably principled her life was. As if that was an odd thing. Unusual. Commendable but on an altogether different plane.

We were both surprised at this. Doesn’t reaching adulthood come with the establishing of certain principles for living? Those attitudes and actions that define us as people.

In our family, we often have conversations around the dinner table about how we engage with people, especially those who are challenging, demanding, and even uncaring. It makes sense, at some level, to distance ourselves from such folks, put walls between us and them, and not be drawn into their neediness or manipulation.

The question for me, however, in such situations, is “what kind of person do I want to be?” Is another’s behavior going to change the way I want to show up in relationships? Is another’s character going to move me to change my own?

Thus the thinking about a principled life. What does that look like for each of us? What does that look like to our children and grandchildren?

Now, we derive our principles from varied sources. Some from our parents. Some from teachers or mentors. Some from classical literature, history, or sacred texts. Some of our principles (whether we consciously acknowledge it or not) may even come from movie quotes and characters. Below you will see some examples of principles.

Ex-heroin addict and neuroscientist Brian Pennie PhD writes and speaks regularly on this topic:

“Principles are fundamental truths that are universal in nature.” – Brian Pennie

“Values are beliefs, attitudes and standards of behaviour about what’s important in life. They are also subjective and may change over time.” – Brian Pennie

“Unlike values which are subjective, principles are fundamental truths that are permanent, unchanging, and universal in nature.” – Brian Pennie

[Values and principles can often be seen used interchangeably, as in the graphic below.]

Photo Credit: Slideshare, Sean Covey

*Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens – Sean Covey – PowerPoint Presentation* – Slideshare

A principled life is one that demonstrates a foundation and follow-through of certain truths consistent with how a person thinks and behaves – living life with intention not in reaction.

Principles are action-oriented (see below as an example).

Principles form a life compass. Brian Pennie writes:
“Through my own suffering and aimless behavior [during those days as a young drug addict], I developed a technique based on values and principles. I call it my life compass, and use it whenever I feel anxious, overwhelmed, or frustrated; or any negative state for that matter. In other words, I use it when I’m not aligned with my values.

The aim is to develop a set of principles that will guide your actions when life gets tough. Note that values direct you towards what’s important in life, while principles are actionable and always result in outcomes.

Below is a list of my own values, and several of the principles I’ve developed to keep me on the path.”

Photo Credit: Thrive Global, Brian Pennie

For me, a principled life aligns with the life of Jesus. Albeit imperfectly, given my human tendency to serve self. The Apostle Paul writes in his letter to the Roman church about “the marks of a Christian life”:

^“Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” – Romans 12:9-21

That is a principled life.

[What are your thoughts as to the guiding principles of your life? What are you modeling for your family, friends, colleagues – just by showing up? What do people count on you for? What are you intentionally teaching to your children/grandchildren? Would love to hear about these in the Comments section. Thanks for stopping by.]

How to Live by Life Principles That Matter

30 Life Principles – Dr. Charles F. Stanley

10 Principles of Life

Seven Basic Principles That Govern our Personal Lives and Relationships – Vatican in Exile

How to Find Meaning and Direction in Life – Brian Pennie

YouTube Video – My talk from Pendulum 2024: How to Find Your True North – A Guidance System for Life – Brian Pennie Ph.D.

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Monday Morning Moment – Family of Origin – What’s Your Story?

February 20, 2024 admindeb 1 Comment

Memories of childhood can be sparse…difficult to pull forward into the present. It’s hard to accept that some of those memories, as we re-engage with them, are still colored by the fears of a 7y/o or the anger of a 15y/o. Even though we now, as adults, can reframe them. Those memories don’t have to keep us as victims. We are grown now. We can look at them again from a different viewpoint…and heal.

I’ve been immersed for a few years now in examining family of origin stuff, generational trauma, and how those experiences (both the bad and beautiful) are passed onto our children. Some close friends and family have said to me that exploring the past is not helpful. Being present in the present is the way to live. I agree for the most part, except the past is still with us in the present. I don’t want the past to mess with my present…or the future of my children and grandchildren.

A few weeks ago, I had the pleasure of attending an Allender Center conference on our family of origin story. What a treat to sit under the teaching of these wise therapists and hear how to engage the memories of our childhood. This is not at all about blaming parents for mistakes they made raising us. However, it is about confronting what we continue to carry with us from those days. We often say, “They did the best they could…or knew to do.” That may be true. As I look at my own parenting, I sometimes didn’t do the best I could or knew to do. Sometimes I did wrong to my children. It is part of life along with the beautiful, so we reckon with it and wrestle with it, for the sake of the good that is possible.

L to R – Adam Young, Cathy Loerzel, Dan Allender – Allender Center Conference

We can learn from our mistakes and our parents’ mistakes on a path to healing. In the conference I attended, Allender, Loerzel, and Young all called for three components necessary in engaging our family of origin stories:

Curiosity, Kindness, and Community – We don’t just leave the past “in the past”. It is always with us. However, to heal from the hard of our past, we must gaze into our memories with curiosity and kindness and within a trusted community. Sometimes memories seem few and spotty, but as we engage them, recalling them, they will come more to our consciousness. The adage, “If we don’t learn from the past, we’re bound to repeat it.”, is truer than we think.

I have appreciated taking a deeper look into my own family of origin (thanks to the helps and guidance of these therapists, Dr. Curt Thompson, and others).

Here’s part of my story. Consider examining your own. You might be surprised at the freedom that comes.

My parents grew up in the American South at the end of the Great Depression. They knew poverty. I know next to nothing about my paternal grandparents, but my mom’s parents were very much in our lives. That’s grandma in the picture below surrounded by some of her grandchildren. Grandpa rarely made it into a picture. He was a loner and alcoholic who clearly experienced terrible disappointment during those years of under-employment. 5 children, all boys except mom who was the middle child. Her role in the family was a buffer for her dad’s anger, and the boys all left home as soon as they could get into the military.

[My 3 brothers and me in the front of pic]

[Grandpa and Grandma Byrd, my mom’s parents]

My biological father didn’t work. He grew up on a farm, but when he and mom married, he just couldn’t quite hold down a job. Mom worked long days, but instead of my father caring for us, she had to hire babysitters. He didn’t want the responsibility. I don’t know much more. They divorced when I was 5 or 6. I saw him only once after that.

Abandonment and neglect were part of my mom’s childhood and part of mine. She loved us and did what she could to feed us and house us. While we were growing up, we didn’t feel particularly poor. I did somehow experience food insecurity and fear which led to a life-long struggle with food and fear that I hoped not to pass on to my children.

Generational trauma has become a fascination for me in recent years because of the therapists above and others and because of its frightfully common occurrence. It is a concept that winds its way through human history (“sins of the fathers revisited on their children to the third and fourth generation”). We know from personal experience that we learn habits and responses from our parents (and they learned from their parents). We have the capability, as parents ourselves, of continuing healthy expressions of care for our children. We also have it in us to stop the succession of wrongs we have endured in family relationships…if we are attuned to them in our own parenting and grand-parenting.

How God Visits Sins on the Third and Fourth Generation – John Piper

Therapist Adam Young podcasts on these processes regularly. I’ve learned much from him as well as Dr. Curt Thompson’s podcasts. Young talks about something he calls “The Big Six – What Every Child Needs From Their Parents”.

Attunement – our parents’ ability to read how we were doing/feeling
Responsiveness – our parents’ willingness to respond to our upset (whatever it might be)
Engagement – our parents’ desire to genuinely know us (at a heart level, whatever age)
Affect regulation – our parents’ ability and willingness to soothe us, whatever our emotional state was at the time – scared, angry, shut down, etc.
“Strong enough to handle your big emotions” – our parents’ ability to stay with us when our emotions were potentially uncomfortable for them; not taking these big emotions personally but welcoming them rather than shaming them.
Willingness to repair – our parents’ willingness to own and right any harm they may have done to us as children (whatever the age).

Attachment: What It Is and Why It Matters – Adam Young

Why Your Family of Origin Impacts Your Life More Than Anything Else – Adam Young Counseling [Podcast]

My siblings and I grew up much loved by our Mom. She did what she could to give us a safe and secure childhood. One of her struggles was having had a childhood that leveled its own share of hard. She brought that forward without knowing. She knew abandonment and didn’t want us to experience it. I believe this is one of the reasons, ironically, that she divorced my biological father. We wouldn’t have to experience up-close his own lack of care for us. Never knowing him or his family, I have wondered in recent years what affected his own neglect of us.

You can tell it’s all very curious for me. I hope you are curious as well. Not to blame a parent but to understand your experience growing up and the impact of attachment in your relationship to your parents and their relationship with theirs. With the hope of setting a foundation of deep love and care for your children and theirs. It doesn’t have to be the situation of where “hurt people hurt people”.

Would you consider journaling your family of origin story and processing it with trusted individuals? Curiosity, kindness, and community – Be curious about your family as far back as you can take it. Treat those memories…those family members…with kindness. It’s very possible those memories will have greater meaning as you explore them as an adult. Where they were painful, repair and healing are possible…if we don’t just try to stuff them somewhere out of sight, out of mind. In community, our stories help us to understand each other and ourselves…and find the beauty and freedom there in the discovery.

Even Hollywood gets it right sometimes. In the TV show FBI (S6, E2, “Remorse”), the last line of the episode is so pertinent. A father (who struggled with alcoholism) talking to his teenaged son (who had begun drinking and was repentant):

“Mistakes are just part of the game. What’s important is what we do next.” Owning your part. Asking forgiveness. Treating each other with kindness, not contempt. Repentance and repair.

I’ll come back to this another day…hoping to learn from your journey as well. Thanks for stopping by.